Is it normal for my mother to expect birthday and Christmas presents?

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jkls92
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#61
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#61
(Original post by doodle_333)
You don't owe presents but only a very selfish person wouldn't WANT to give them
A very selfish person wouldn't feel responsible for supporting their child at university
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DrawTheLine
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#62
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#62
(Original post by usualsuspects)
I think that's madness since I believe in family money. This may be because of the way things work in my family.
What's so bad about spending money which you haven't earned personally? I spend about £3k/month (conservative estimate), excluding fees and a couple other things, and don't feel sorry at all.
Exactly my point. You have no value of money. You don't know what it's worth. My family will give me money if I need it. But you don't understand that someone has worked for that money. You treat it as something you are owed and entitled to and you expect it. If you ever find yourself in a tricky financial situation you will struggle so much because you don't know the value of money. My dad's money is not mine because he works 40-50 hours a week earning it. It is not right for me to spend it.
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paivann
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#63
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#63
(Original post by usualsuspects)
She usually gives cash or buys me something I like, that's not a problem.

Can't cook. Cleaning is a bit absurd at my age. Taking her out is a good idea, but potentially disastrous because being coeliac, hypochondriacal and chronically unsatisfied she'd probably claim she was poisoned by "gluten contamination" and reproach me for making her sick as a birthday present.

Family values? Her parents did it for her, I'll do it for my children. She has lived off her parents her entire life, I'm more responsible and plan to work. I don't need money. Why are people assuming things? I'm perfectly financed by my other grandparents' fund and don't need a job while I'm at university. She has no feel I "sponge off" of her (obviously, as she gives me nothing as I said), quite the contrary.
Cooking & Cleaning really isn't that difficult, haha :P They're life skills you really need to learn. You don't have to just take her to a restaurant, just try and look along those lines and think outside the box.
People are making assumptions, not because of the question you ask, but because your first and subsequent posts state how you feel it's unfair to spend money on her for christmas/birthday yet she spends hundreds on your birthday... And that you feel it's justified because she doesn't give you any extra financial support which: A - She's not even obligated to give, and B - That you've just confirmed you don't even need? Don't you realise how absurd that sounds?
Your life and all, but I'm just saying you shouldn't be so sure that you'll always be rich and always have money. It's dangerous to have that 'I don't need to do this cause money.' attitude. When I was younger my family was fairly well off, some might even say rich. Things happened and ever since my parents have been struggling financially. It was just a click of the finger that things spiraled out of control just like that, yet you think you're immune from such issues which is a dangerous attitude to have.
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Megajules
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#64
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#64
(Original post by usualsuspects)
That is excessive and you wouldn't express yourself in such manner off the internet.
Oh I absolutely would! I always treat excess with excess!

You don't even know my mother's faults, and these aren't the point. I was just asking if it's generally normal for parents to expect (quite expensive) gifts for Christmas and birthdays. I asked because, although I've always given her presents, I had a feeling it was wrong, given she is not doing much to support me at the moment, which I believe she should to a degree consider her responsibility as a parent, as my father does, as my grandparents did with her, and as I'll do with my children.
I don't need to know any of the above to answer the question you posed. Yes it is normal. Giving gifts is an expression of the love you feel for someone. Furthermore your original question did not state that your mother expected expensive gifts, nor what you mean by expensive given that you think a couple of hundred is loose change, or how you came to deduce that this is what your mother expected.

I don't need money, and I certainly don't want debt.
You clearly obviously do if you are quibbling about buying your mother gifts.

If you think I deserve death for this, you are an intolerant idiot.
There's only one idiot on this thread, and it isn't me.
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jkls92
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#65
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#65
(Original post by DrawTheLine)
Exactly my point. You have no value of money. You don't know what it's worth. My family will give me money if I need it. But you don't understand that someone has worked for that money. You treat it as something you are owed and entitled to and you expect it. If you ever find yourself in a tricky financial situation you will struggle so much because you don't know the value of money. My dad's money is not mine because he works 40-50 hours a week earning it. It is not right for me to spend it.
So I should struggle now to prepare myself for an unlikely lack of money in the future?

(Original post by paivann)
Cooking & Cleaning really isn't that difficult, haha :P They're life skills you really need to learn. You don't have to just take her to a restaurant, just try and look along those lines and think outside the box.
People are making assumptions, not because of the question you ask, but because your first and subsequent posts state how you feel it's unfair to spend money on her for christmas/birthday yet she spends hundreds on your birthday... And that you feel it's justified because she doesn't give you any extra financial support which: A - She's not even obligated to give, and B - That you've just confirmed you don't even need? Don't you realise how absurd that sounds?
Your life and all, but I'm just saying you shouldn't be so sure that you'll always be rich and always have money. It's dangerous to have that 'I don't need to do this cause money.' attitude. When I was younger my family was fairly well off, some might even say rich. Things happened and ever since my parents have been struggling financially. It was just a click of the finger that things spiraled out of control just like that, yet you think you're immune from such issues which is a dangerous attitude to have.
I don't need support because luckily the other side of my family has been much more caring and responsible. But she could help my father at least at some level, and her parents could have done something instead of leaving my other, poorer, grandparents to set aside the money for my education alone.

I am not totally immune from issues, but given the financial situation of my family, and what already happened to us (every disgrace one could conjure up), it's quite unlikely. Even if it wasn't, I'm not going to let the fear of future tragedies condition my present life. I've read Epicurus and his fellows. [...] quam minimum credula postero, you know?
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jkls92
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#66
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#66
(Original post by Megajules)
Oh I absolutely would! I always treat excess with excess!


I don't need to know any of the above to answer the question you posed. Yes it is normal. Giving gifts is an expression of the love you feel for someone. Furthermore your original question did not state that your mother expected expensive gifts, nor what you mean by expensive given that you think a couple of hundred is loose change, or how you came to deduce that this is what your mother expected.


You clearly obviously do if you are quibbling about buying your mother gifts.

There's only one idiot on this thread, and it isn't me.
It's not a matter of not having money to buy her a present, but of whether it is appropriate for her, who shamefully contributes nothing to my finances, which are totally dependent on family money (that of my father's side of the family, they are divorced), to expect me to buy her gifts.

The idiot is the one who calls for assassinations instead of having a civil discussion.
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Kindred
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#67
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#67
(Original post by usualsuspects)
I'm a 20 years old undergraduate. It feels wrong to me that she expects presents from her child, at this age, especially given that after I've turned 18 hers haven't been particularly special (usually worth a couple of hundreds) and this is basically all she contributes to my finances.

Furthermore, it's unpleasant to give her presents because she is ungrateful and usually unsatisfied with my gifts. This is why I'd rather avoid it.

EDIT for judgemental haters: I have always bought relatively expensive gifts for my mother, only recently I had a feeling it was wrong for her to expect it given she doesn't help me with uni costs at all. I know I am privileged and I appreciate I have been lucky to be born in my family (it could have gone much better, but I had a 99% chance of being poorer).
I think in a family is usually a reasonable assumption that they will get eachother gifts for Christmas or other meaningful celebrations. What's not so appropriate is expecting a certain quality of gift or being ungreatful of at least the thought behind it.
You're a student and that tends to mean not so much money so something small but thought about would be perfectly reasonable. If she is ungreatful for that then tough titties to her. But if it's you feeling you shouldn't have to get her a gift at all that's a bit mean.
Different families have different ways of working, but on the whole I think immediate family should get eachother some form of gift. That's reasonable to expect, but it's not reasonable to expect the perfect gift unless you accept you might need to help with it (either with cost or just making it clear what you want). You shouldn't be expected to provide a gift that is out of your budget or means to get.

So really how appropriate this all is depends on what the expectation is and how both of you treat the situation.
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Megajules
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#68
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#68
(Original post by usualsuspects)
It's not a matter of not having money to buy her a present, but of whether it is appropriate for her, who shamefully contributes nothing to my finances, which are totally dependent on family money (that of my father's side of the family, they are divorced), to expect me to buy her gifts.

The idiot is the one who calls for assassinations instead of having a civil discussion.
Sorry, but there was no call for your assassination, you intolerable drama queen. Further more, your mother has absolutely no need to feel shame that she has decided not to contribute finances to someone so overtly contemptible. Now...spit the dummy as much as you like, I've had my say. You are now boring me, so I am out of here.
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tootles44
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#69
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#69
People in this thread are talking absolute *******s, don't understand what planet everyone is one

My two pence:
A gift is a gift, if someone doesn't like their gift they can **** off and you'll save money in the future. Absolutely its nice to splash a couple of quid here and there to put a smile on peoples faces and it makes it all the more worthwhile if they receive it with a smile and gratitude. It's not ''"'selfish'"'' to not give a gift in return to receiving one, thats called a covert contract and if people are doing nice things for you with the expectation of getting something big in return then that's their problem. And for the people going on about how you should be eternally grateful to your parents bringing you up, it's your parents *job* to clothe and feed and raise you, why the **** else would you bring a child into this world if you wernt capable of that, they didn't ask to be born!!

As a side note some people like receiving gifts as their love language but that absolutely does not mean that expensive and lavish gifts are required.

Also I too would be pissed as **** if all my parents contributed to my student life, whilst i was still unable to work, was a few useless gifts worth a couple of hundred

I wouldn't take the advice of people on this thread, seems like there are major ideological differences and they dont share the same values so of course your viewpoint will be alien to them
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doodle_333
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#70
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#70
(Original post by usualsuspects)
A very selfish person wouldn't feel responsible for supporting their child at university
You get student finance. Unless your mum is living the high life while you starve and eat plain rice for dinner you should be looking after yourself.
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jkls92
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#71
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#71
(Original post by tootles44)
People in this thread are talking absolute *******s, don't understand what planet everyone is one

My two pence:
A gift is a gift, if someone doesn't like their gift they can **** off and you'll save money in the future. Absolutely its nice to splash a couple of quid here and there to put a smile on peoples faces and it makes it all the more worthwhile if they receive it with a smile and gratitude. It's not ''"'selfish'"'' to not give a gift in return to receiving one, thats called a covert contract and if people are doing nice things for you with the expectation of getting something big in return then that's their problem. And for the people going on about how you should be eternally grateful to your parents bringing you up, it's your parents *job* to clothe and feed and raise you, why the **** else would you bring a child into this world if you wernt capable of that, they didn't ask to be born!!

As a side note some people like receiving gifts as their love language but that absolutely does not mean that expensive and lavish gifts are required.

Also I too would be pissed as **** if all my parents contributed to my student life, whilst i was still unable to work, was a few useless gifts worth a couple of hundred

I wouldn't take the advice of people on this thread, seems like there are major ideological differences and they dont share the same values so of course your viewpoint will be alien to them
Thank you for being so understanding and reasonable!

(Original post by Kindred)
I think in a family is usually a reasonable assumption that they will get eachother gifts for Christmas or other meaningful celebrations. What's not so appropriate is expecting a certain quality of gift or being ungreatful of at least the thought behind it.
You're a student and that tends to mean not so much money so something small but thought about would be perfectly reasonable. If she is ungreatful for that then tough titties to her. But if it's you feeling you shouldn't have to get her a gift at all that's a bit mean.
Different families have different ways of working, but on the whole I think immediate family should get eachother some form of gift. That's reasonable to expect, but it's not reasonable to expect the perfect gift unless you accept you might need to help with it (either with cost or just making it clear what you want). You shouldn't be expected to provide a gift that is out of your budget or means to get.

So really how appropriate this all is depends on what the expectation is and how both of you treat the situation.
The problem is that she knows I could easily spend hundreds without worrying. However, it's not money I keep earning, but a fund that exists for my life and education expenses and which is unfortunately not infinite. Furthermore, the money was put by my other grandparents and divorced father (they hate each other). Legally mine, but still... As a teen, when I lived with her, I spent about £150. But now I have at times bought her something less expensive (but more special, from boutiques that exist in one or a few cities in the world) and she told me she was expecting another thing and then went on saying I don't get her nice gifts. If she was more grateful it would be a pleasure to get her gifts, but her behaviour makes me question whether her expectations are fair.
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doodle_333
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#72
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#72
(Original post by tootles44)
Also I too would be pissed as **** if all my parents contributed to my student life, whilst i was still unable to work, was a few useless gifts worth a couple of hundred
Students are perfectly ABLE to work. The majority just choose not to. It's very possible to get a good degree while working 10-20 hours a week if you plan your time and go out partying less and plenty of people do it.
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jkls92
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#73
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#73
(Original post by doodle_333)
You get student finance. Unless your mum is living the high life while you starve and eat plain rice for dinner you should be looking after yourself.
I have ample resources from the other side of the family. She is living very well considering she doesn't work.
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swirlybits
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#74
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#74
In my country (Philippines), Christmas is usually for the young. Only rich and middle class tend to buy older people presents. I don't buy my parents presents for Christmas and they seem to be fine with it.
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doodle_333
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#75
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#75
(Original post by usualsuspects)
I have ample resources from the other side of the family. She is living very well considering she doesn't work.
You have enough, so stop moaning.
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DrSocSciences
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#76
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#76
Yes, it's normal for any mother to hope that her birthday and also Christmas will be acknowledged by her offspring, and gift-giving is the usual practice.
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Vikt0rija
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#77
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#77
I can’t even get myself to finish the rest of this thread cause the guy whose post it is made my blood boil. I genuinely hope I don’t EVER meet you because god id put your head through a wall. I come from an upper class family, and I refuse to take money that my parents may offer. I work and save all my money for university. Im going to uni in September and my accommodation fees are £8000 a year and guess what, I’m paying for it MYSELF with the money I saved up having 2 years off before going to uni. I’m so so grateful my mum makes me dinner and provides me a roof over my head. Because of her providing for me, I hoover the house, I cook for her, I buy her silly gifts just so she knows how thankful I am for her unconditional love and support for the last 20 years.

I really hope you open your eyes and realise how absurd you’re sounding. It makes me feel sick your grandparents are funding your studies. You say you’re quite independent yet you fully rely on money your family gives you. What would happen if you got cut off? And if you’re so independent, why don’t you cut yourself off and try and live for yourself for a while? Get some perspective of REAL life. I’m actually so shocked and disgusted someone of your ages are still accepting money form elderly. I hope you wake up one day and realise you have to do things for yourself. And FIY, even though we come from the same background, I’d never dare to tell people how much I spend a month unlike you, ( not even your own earned money), and unlike you, I’m down to earth, and I’d give everything up for my family, because they gave me a privilege to be alive. Please re-evaluate yourself. P.s this is no judgement, it’s all based on all the answers you provided in this thread, you do not give a nice impression of yourself, maybe take it as a tip, try to better yourself, learn how to cook for yourself, or does someone have to wipe your butt for you too?
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Vikt0rija
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#78
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#78
P.s don’t get me wrong if your mum is an utter b**ch who expects presents off you, that’s not right either. She should be grateful with whatever you bought her. So if she isn’t grateful, don’t get her anything but don’t accept anything she gets you, simple! I’m honestly not trying to have a go at you, just try to be independent, and if she’s honestly so rude about the presents you bought her, don’t get her anything, but do NOT expect for her to buy you anything either, you’re an adult now who CHOSE to go to university.
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Kindred
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#79
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#79
(Original post by usualsuspects)
The problem is that she knows I could easily spend hundreds without worrying. However, it's not money I keep earning, but a fund that exists for my life and education expenses and which is unfortunately not infinite. Furthermore, the money was put by my other grandparents and divorced father (they hate each other). Legally mine, but still... As a teen, when I lived with her, I spent about £150. But now I have at times bought her something less expensive (but more special, from boutiques that exist in one or a few cities in the world) and she told me she was expecting another thing and then went on saying I don't get her nice gifts. If she was more grateful it would be a pleasure to get her gifts, but her behaviour makes me question whether her expectations are fair.
If she's shunning gifts you've given her when you're have put in at least some thought them really she's just causing herself grief. Honestly I don't think money really comes into it even (although I imagine it does have some significance to you since it's that sign of support). You are getting her at and it seems they at least aren't terrible gifts. Quite the whole gift giving thing you kinda just get what you get and being all rude about it is... well rude.

It's a bit unfortunate that things aren't perfect between you and yeah it would be nice if she really appreciated her gifts, you felt you were being more supported etc, but hey life is never perfect. I don't think you're being out of line here from what you've said.

Oh and this isn't really my place and I don't know what you're doing with your fund, but I would make sure you've got a bit of a budget and try to save some stuff up. If you can leave uni with a bit of money left over it could come in really handy.
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Elizabeth II
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#80
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#80
Oh wow.
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