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Is it normal for my mother to expect birthday and Christmas presents? watch

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    (Original post by usualsuspects)
    The problem is that she knows I could easily spend hundreds without worrying. However, it's not money I keep earning, but a fund that exists for my life and education expenses and which is unfortunately not infinite. Furthermore, the money was put by my other grandparents and divorced father (they hate each other). Legally mine, but still... As a teen, when I lived with her, I spent about £150. But now I have at times bought her something less expensive (but more special, from boutiques that exist in one or a few cities in the world) and she told me she was expecting another thing and then went on saying I don't get her nice gifts. If she was more grateful it would be a pleasure to get her gifts, but her behaviour makes me question whether her expectations are fair.
    If she's shunning gifts you've given her when you're have put in at least some thought them really she's just causing herself grief. Honestly I don't think money really comes into it even (although I imagine it does have some significance to you since it's that sign of support). You are getting her at and it seems they at least aren't terrible gifts. Quite the whole gift giving thing you kinda just get what you get and being all rude about it is... well rude.

    It's a bit unfortunate that things aren't perfect between you and yeah it would be nice if she really appreciated her gifts, you felt you were being more supported etc, but hey life is never perfect. I don't think you're being out of line here from what you've said.

    Oh and this isn't really my place and I don't know what you're doing with your fund, but I would make sure you've got a bit of a budget and try to save some stuff up. If you can leave uni with a bit of money left over it could come in really handy.
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    Oh wow.
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    This thread demonstrates why you shouldn't give kids too much money at a young age.

    You run the risk of creating entitled, feeble, emasculated man-boys who struggle to understand adult life.
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    You only have one mum treat her well !
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    (I have seen the edit) Even when she acts ungrateful, I would still feel to out of a sense of duty- I'd feel bad if I didn't, personally XD. If it is starting to cost you too much money, then there are loads of nice things out there that you can get for less. It would probably cause problems/ resentment if you stopped.
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    (Original post by Kindred)
    If she's shunning gifts you've given her when you're have put in at least some thought them really she's just causing herself grief. Honestly I don't think money really comes into it even (although I imagine it does have some significance to you since it's that sign of support). You are getting her at and it seems they at least aren't terrible gifts. Quite the whole gift giving thing you kinda just get what you get and being all rude about it is... well rude.

    It's a bit unfortunate that things aren't perfect between you and yeah it would be nice if she really appreciated her gifts, you felt you were being more supported etc, but hey life is never perfect. I don't think you're being out of line here from what you've said.

    Oh and this isn't really my place and I don't know what you're doing with your fund, but I would make sure you've got a bit of a budget and try to save some stuff up. If you can leave uni with a bit of money left over it could come in really handy.
    Yes, part is invested so I can't squander it at the moment.

    (Original post by HattieTheSwann)
    (I have seen the edit) Even when she acts ungrateful, I would still feel to out of a sense of duty- I'd feel bad if I didn't, personally XD. If it is starting to cost you too much money, then there are loads of nice things out there that you can get for less. It would probably cause problems/ resentment if you stopped.
    That's right, stopping isn't even an option because it would compromise our relationship.

    (Original post by Sulfolobus)
    This thread demonstrates why you shouldn't give kids too much money at a young age.

    You run the risk of creating entitled, feeble, emasculated man-boys who struggle to understand adult life.
    Hahahahah. Ego iam a principio in parsimonia atque in duritia atque in industria omnem adulescentiam meam abstinui, agro colendo, saxis sabinis, silicibus repastinandis atque conserendis. Indeed a certain liberality with money makes one soft.
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    (Original post by usualsuspects)
    I'm a 20 years old undergraduate. It feels wrong to me that she expects presents from her child, at this age, especially given that after I've turned 18 hers haven't been particularly special (usually worth a couple of hundreds) and this is basically all she contributes to my finances.

    Furthermore, it's unpleasant to give her presents because she is ungrateful and usually unsatisfied with my gifts. This is why I'd rather avoid it.

    EDIT for judgemental haters: I have always bought relatively expensive gifts for my mother, only recently I had a feeling it was wrong for her to expect it given she doesn't help me with uni costs at all. I know I am privileged and I appreciate I have been lucky to be born in my family (it could have gone much better, but I had a 99% chance of being poorer).
    A couple of hundred is a lot to spend on you.

    That out of the way, I don't buy presents for anyone except my boyfriend, and we just tell each other what we want to avoid disappointment. I don't buy any family gifts, including siblings and parents. There is no need.
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    (Original post by doodle_333)
    You have enough, so stop moaning.
    And I'm glad about that, what I meant is that it's certainly not thanks to my mother if I do.

    (Original post by Vikt0rija)
    I can’t even get myself to finish the rest of this thread cause the guy whose post it is made my blood boil. I genuinely hope I don’t EVER meet you because god id put your head through a wall. I come from an upper class family, and I refuse to take money that my parents may offer. I work and save all my money for university. Im going to uni in September and my accommodation fees are £8000 a year and guess what, I’m paying for it MYSELF with the money I saved up having 2 years off before going to uni. I’m so so grateful my mum makes me dinner and provides me a roof over my head. Because of her providing for me, I hoover the house, I cook for her, I buy her silly gifts just so she knows how thankful I am for her unconditional love and support for the last 20 years.

    I really hope you open your eyes and realise how absurd you’re sounding. It makes me feel sick your grandparents are funding your studies. You say you’re quite independent yet you fully rely on money your family gives you. What would happen if you got cut off? And if you’re so independent, why don’t you cut yourself off and try and live for yourself for a while? Get some perspective of REAL life. I’m actually so shocked and disgusted someone of your ages are still accepting money form elderly. I hope you wake up one day and realise you have to do things for yourself. And FIY, even though we come from the same background, I’d never dare to tell people how much I spend a month unlike you, ( not even your own earned money), and unlike you, I’m down to earth, and I’d give everything up for my family, because they gave me a privilege to be alive. Please re-evaluate yourself. P.s this is no judgement, it’s all based on all the answers you provided in this thread, you do not give a nice impression of yourself, maybe take it as a tip, try to better yourself, learn how to cook for yourself, or does someone have to wipe your butt for you too?
    It makes your blood boil? A person receiving support from his family while at university isn't such a huge issue, I'd worry more about people inheriting billions.

    It was your parents' precise duty to provide you with a roof and food. You probably have a very good relationship with them, good for you, mine is less perfect. Perhaps cooking, buying silly gifts and being pointlessly sentimental is easier and more natural for a girl?

    You sound absurd to me. I'll probably set up a fund for my grandchildren as well, it's a widespread practice.

    I'm not independent in that sense, never said that. I hope I won't be disowned, it doesn't seem likely at the moment. "What if" speculations have no place in my ethics of life.

    It's family money, it has been their grandparents in the past, it will be mine in the future.

    My saying how much I spend for the purpose of the discussion is as out of line as you saying you are upper class. It's an anonymous forum so it doesn't really matter. Anyway, maybe I shouldn't have said it.

    Being alive is not a privilege.
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    (Original post by usualsuspects)

    My saying how much I spend for the purpose of the discussion is as out of line as you saying you are upper class. It's an anonymous forum so it doesn't really matter. Anyway, maybe I shouldn't have said it.
    You’re the one who stated being upper middle class, so I stated what I’m classed as too. Long story short, you don’t choose your parents, so you have to make the most of what you have. If she doesn’t appreciate your presents, there’s not much you can do, telling her it hurts your feelings would be an idea.

    Else, explain to her that you ARE a student and she shouldn’t expect something fancy, something thoughtful should do, just as you shouldn’t expect something off her. Not much you can do about that, but personally speaking, if someone didn’t appreciate something I got them, I’d tell them to do one and take the present back, try to teach them some manners haha.
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    Because family or not, not appreciating something someone put thought and MONEY in to, is very disrespectful. Even if it’s a thank you that’s so kind of you ( you can dislike the present but I think it’s so hurtful to hear someone tell you they wanted something else instead)
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    (Original post by usualsuspects)
    I have no resentment, but the least she could do is not expect me to spend my father's money on her.
    You contradict yourself constantly. If you hold no resentment, then why is it an issue that you that you got a trust fund from one side of the family and not the other? Why do you refuse to spend money given to you on your mother?

    So much of what you say in your posts, suggests that you have a serious axe to grind with your mother. There have been no words of love towards her, only complaints and criticisms, and you blatantly hold her in very low esteem in general ("she has always been idle and never even thought about it").


    (Original post by usualsuspects)
    I have always bought relatively expensive gifts for my mother
    You just don't get it.

    What does the expense of the gifts matter, when the money you are using to buy the gift was given to you (A.K.A daddy's family trust fund)? Do you really believe that an expensive gift makes an inherently great gift?

    Expense of a gift is only an admirable factor if you either actually worked for the money, or it reflected sizeable chunk of your savings.

    If you're paying for things using money given to you (especially if comparatively speaking, you've only shaved off a tiny sliver of your riches to afford the gift), then why do you deserve any real kudos for that?

    Your mum can clearly detect the lack of sentiment in your gifts (and is unsurprisingly not particularly won over by the cost of them either). Tell me why she should be so grateful for gifts so begrudgingly given? She clearly knows exactly how you feel (she's not an idiot after all). Would you be delighted about receiving a gift from someone who would have rather given it to almost anyone else but you? No? Then why do you expect your mother to be?

    (Original post by usualsuspects)
    I'm a 20 years old undergraduate. It feels wrong to me that she expects presents from her child, at this age
    1. If anything, the older you are, the more relevant/significant giving gifts to a parent becomes.

    2. So you're happy to take gifts from her but not give back? You complain that she complains about your gifts, but how are you any better? You've complained a lot about her gifts here.

    (Original post by usualsuspects)
    I'm not grateful at all, a parent should help their children at university unless they can't
    Conversely most people would also argue that a son/daughter should get their parents gifts unless they can't.

    You have this very strong sense of entitlement to everything (money, education, assets etc) and you seem feel wronged by those who don't or haven't given you as much. Do you not realize how lucky you have been to get anything at all?
    Many would say that you have a very spoiled attitude.

    (Original post by usualsuspects)
    but the least she could do is not expect me to spend my father's money on her.
    Oh really? Like how you expected her family members to spend more of their money on you? Because you seem pretty sour about that.

    (Original post by usualsuspects)
    Can't cook. Cleaning is a bit absurd at my age.
    How exactly is cleaning absurd?

    It is more absurd that as a 20 year old man, you lack such vital life skills. You're not a child anymore!

    Such gifts (cooking a meal or offering to clean the house), even if shoddy, would show more sentiment and effort than anything you've bought her in years.

    (Original post by usualsuspects)
    She has lived off her parents her entire life, I'm more responsible and plan to work.
    Until you actually get a job, you have no ground to criticize her on.

    How are you more responsible than she is? You don't even know how to cook and won't tidy up after yourself!

    (Original post by usualsuspects)
    I don't need money
    You do need self-respect, you need need to learn the value of hard work & money, you need to learn more empathy and you do need to learn more sense of personal responsibility etc.

    Why on earth do you think billionaires like Bill Gates are refusing to pay for everything in their kids lives (being determined to ensure that their kids work hard for things etc)?
    Because they realize the toxic effect that large trust funds have on kids. There is so much more to be gained from work than simply money (but as you haven't ever had to work yet, those lessons/realizations have so far been completely lost on you).

    Right now you are a jobless man-child with no real life skills and whose entire existence/lifestyle so far has been entirely supported by other people's money.
    Maybe you have some good grades, maybe you're in University- but that doesn't make you significantly superior (than your mother or almost anyone else).

    Stop justifying doing less, and start justifying doing more. Make results not excuses. A respectful man is a responsible man. Stop feeling so entitled to other people's wealth and charity (and start actually earning your own money and aspiring to be more charitable).

    How you do you think your father behaved at your age? Do you think he treated his mother with such barely disguised contempt, complained about not being given enough riches and showed no interest in working unless he absolutely had to? Was your father not an admirable guy who people respected?
    Right now, what exactly are you doing to earn respect and admiration?
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    (Original post by usualsuspects)
    I'm not grateful at all, a parent should help their children at university unless they can't, while she has always been idle and never even thought about it. Her side of the family is much better off than my father's, yet I got no trust fund from them and instead it was the latter's parents who set up a fund when I was born. I'm not making a huge scene about it and I have no resentment, but the least she could do is not expect me to spend my father's money on her.
    this has me utterly perplexed. you get presents to show you care about someone. it doesn't matter at the content of the present, its the effort. You have a trust fund? that's something 90% of the population could only dream of- yes there's an issue of your mum being ungrateful but equally you complaining about having to buy her gifts "because she has been idle" and never contributed to your finances. That's a poor motivation for giving presents. you simply need to decide whether or not you love her enough to bother buying her a present. if your trust fund can afford to, show some affection if you feel inclined to do so.
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    I'm intrigued that you toiled over the rocks in the Sabine fields
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    You sound like an utter ****
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    (Original post by usualsuspects)
    I'm a 20 years old undergraduate. It feels wrong to me that she expects presents from her child, at this age, especially given that after I've turned 18 hers haven't been particularly special (usually worth a couple of hundreds) and this is basically all she contributes to my finances.

    Furthermore, it's unpleasant to give her presents because she is ungrateful and usually unsatisfied with my gifts. This is why I'd rather avoid it.

    EDIT for judgemental haters: I have always bought relatively expensive gifts for my mother, only recently I had a feeling it was wrong for her to expect it given she doesn't help me with uni costs at all. I know I am privileged and I appreciate I have been lucky to be born in my family (it could have gone much better, but I had a 99% chance of being poorer).
    Making a present to people is an unconditional and very kindful beavior to make those happy. This gesture should not be expected to special days, neither birthday nor christmas. You should make a present, if you are feeling a joy to give your lovely people a gift who you appreciate.
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    (Original post by gjd800)
    I'm intrigued that you toiled over the rocks in the Sabine fields
    It was referred to the person I quoted, and to the fact that the Censor would have called me “feeble” as he did 😂
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    (Original post by Feastful)
    You contradict yourself constantly. If you hold no resentment, then why is it an issue that you that you got a trust fund from one side of the family and not the other? Why do you refuse to spend money given to you on your mother?

    So much of what you say in your posts, suggests that you have a serious axe to grind with your mother. There have been no words of love towards her, only complaints and criticisms, and you blatantly hold her in very low esteem in general ("she has always been idle and never even thought about it").




    You just don't get it.

    What does the expense of the gifts matter, when the money you are using to buy the gift was given to you (A.K.A daddy's family trust fund)? Do you really believe that an expensive gift makes an inherently great gift?

    Expense of a gift is only an admirable factor if you either actually worked for the money, or it reflected sizeable chunk of your savings.

    If you're paying for things using money given to you (especially if comparatively speaking, you've only shaved off a tiny sliver of your riches to afford the gift), then why do you deserve any real kudos for that?

    Your mum can clearly detect the lack of sentiment in your gifts (and is unsurprisingly not particularly won over by the cost of them either). Tell me why she should be so grateful for gifts so begrudgingly given? She clearly knows exactly how you feel (she's not an idiot after all). Would you be delighted about receiving a gift from someone who would have rather given it to almost anyone else but you? No? Then why do you expect your mother to be?



    1. If anything, the older you are, the more relevant/significant giving gifts to a parent becomes.

    2. So you're happy to take gifts from her but not give back? You complain that she complains about your gifts, but how are you any better? You've complained a lot about her gifts here.



    Conversely most people would also argue that a son/daughter should get their parents gifts unless they can't.

    You have this very strong sense of entitlement to everything (money, education, assets etc) and you seem feel wronged by those who don't or haven't given you as much. Do you not realize how lucky you have been to get anything at all?
    Many would say that you have a very spoiled attitude.



    Oh really? Like how you expected her family members to spend more of their money on you? Because you seem pretty sour about that.



    How exactly is cleaning absurd?

    It is more absurd that as a 20 year old man, you lack such vital life skills. You're not a child anymore!

    Such gifts (cooking a meal or offering to clean the house), even if shoddy, would show more sentiment and effort than anything you've bought her in years.



    Until you actually get a job, you have no ground to criticize her on.

    How are you more responsible than she is? You don't even know how to cook and won't tidy up after yourself!

    You do need self-respect, you need need to learn the value of hard work & money, you need to learn more empathy and you do need to learn more sense of personal responsibility etc.

    Why on earth do you think billionaires like Bill Gates are refusing to pay for everything in their kids lives (being determined to ensure that their kids work hard for things etc)?
    Because they realize the toxic effect that large trust funds have on kids. There is so much more to be gained from work than simply money (but as you haven't ever had to work yet, those lessons/realizations have so far been completely lost on you).

    Right now you are a jobless man-child with no real life skills and whose entire existence/lifestyle so far has been entirely supported by other people's money.
    Maybe you have some good grades, maybe you're in University- but that doesn't make you significantly superior (than your mother or almost anyone else).

    Stop justifying doing less, and start justifying doing more. Make results not excuses. A respectful man is a responsible man. Stop feeling so entitled to other people's wealth and charity (and start actually earning your own money and aspiring to be more charitable).

    How you do you think your father behaved at your age? Do you think he treated his mother with such barely disguised contempt, complained about not being given enough riches and showed no interest in working unless he absolutely had to? Was your father not an admirable guy who people respected?
    Right now, what exactly are you doing to earn respect and admiration?
    I don't refuse to spend money on my mother. I've always bought her gifts. However, I have a sensation that her expectation that I spend my father's family (they hate each other) money on her is unfair.

    It's not a matter of low self-esteem, good for her if she had the chance to spend her life doing what she wanted instead of being trapped in a career. What I meant is that she never felt responsible for setting aside even a small amount of money for my uni studies.

    What you said about gifts actually reflects her point of view. However, it's not an element in her favour that she is ungrateful because she knows I get her presents more as an obligation than as a pleasure because I'm upset by her lack of support. Having said this, one should be grateful for a gift regardless of how big it is compared to the giver's financial assets, how the money to buy the gift was made, etc. Our relationship is not mutually equivalent, she is the parent and is expected to help me, as I'll help my children. I'd also add that I have no income, and it's quite different to spend capital that eventually ends, compared to spending a part of the money you earn every month. I have not complained about her gifts (she buys me what I ask for), I have complained about her financial support.

    Cleaning is absurd as a gift given my age. Apart from that, I do not clean because I can pay someone else to do it and save myself the bother. There are 100 things I'd rather do with that time and the prospect of cleaning doesn't appeal to me (nor to anyone really). I'm not going to do it for the mere sake of realising your communist utopia. I also help my cleaners make a living, so if anything society benefits from me.

    I have ground to criticise her because I have been responsible, done my duty, always got good grades and I am studying finance and "wasting" (her words) my summers in internships in the City to earn enough to maintain my lifestyle by own means, pay for the upkeep of our properties (something she certainly won't be able to do when she'll have to), and send my children to a good school and university. She, on the other hand, never felt responsible for any of this and only did what she considered more convenient for herself, without consideration for her family. This doesn't make me a better person than her, and it doesn't make her a bad person, but on this specific aspect I can say I am being more responsible than her.

    I'm going to work up to 100 hours a week after uni so you don't need to lecture me on "hard work". I definitely am a responsible person (see above).

    I don't think many sons of billionaires live like peasants and lack money to go to university. Regardless, they have a different outlook on life so I do not care about what they do with their children, and certainly don't consider them a model. I don't believe in the romanticisation of work and I suspect that if you worked in investment banking you'd be less idealistic as well.

    Yes, I'm 20 and my existence up to now has been financed by my family, and I don't have a job (university is enough), what's wrong with that?

    I'll earn my own money eventually, but I definitely won't be "charitable" towards people like you. I will be very generous with my family.

    My father's mother was different from mine.

    What am I doing to earn respect and admiration? Well, I don't exactly demand that people admire me for what I have done, that would be excessive at this early point, but I am being responsible with my academic career, developing a good professional CV and most importantly being an honest person with positive externalities on society and the people with whom I come into contact. I have also done some selfless work for others which I don't want to discuss, and it's been a great pleasure so I'm happy about it by myself even if I don't get covered in glory by people who were not involved.
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    (Original post by usualsuspects)
    Our relationship is not mutually equivalent, she is the parent and is expected to help me, as I'll help my children.
    You're at least 18. She's not responsible for you any more.
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    I used to work down the docks, romanticise THAT :laugh:
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    (Original post by usualsuspects)
    I'm a 20 years old undergraduate. It feels wrong to me that she expects presents from her child, at this age, especially given that after I've turned 18 hers haven't been particularly special (usually worth a couple of hundreds) and this is basically all she contributes to my finances.

    Furthermore, it's unpleasant to give her presents because she is ungrateful and usually unsatisfied with my gifts. This is why I'd rather avoid it.

    EDIT for judgemental haters: I have always bought relatively expensive gifts for my mother, only recently I had a feeling it was wrong for her to expect it given she doesn't help me with uni costs at all. I know I am privileged and I appreciate I have been lucky to be born in my family (it could have gone much better, but I had a 99% chance of being poorer).
    if you cannot afford expensive gifts just do something special for her. take her out to dinner.
 
 
 
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