I can't explain what I'm feeling properly, but this is ruining my life. I am only 16, and I know people will blame this all on teen angst and hormones, but I want to say that it's not, I know it isn't. Things have been this way since I was around 11, but that all I can really remember, I don't know if it's been happening for longer.
I officially hate school. I love learning, and all the subjects, but the buildings and the people, the way people stand, the way the rooms are laid out, the format of things, the way people talk, the colours of the walls, the way the paint chips, the amount of people in the room, etc etc, is too much.
It leads to me having anxiety attacks, and thankfully my school provided me with a 'Time Out Card', a card I can show my teacher and be able to leave the classroom for the remainder of the class, or even the rest of the day if I need to.
Originally the card was supposed to be used to leave the classroom for 5 minutes or so, and then go back and join in the lesson but I got it changed as I argued that if I don't feel comfortable or safe in a certain environment, why would I leave for a few minutes only to return to a place where I don't feel safe?
By not feeling safe I mean, I don't feel like I can be somewhere without feeling like I'm about to be attacked, or about to hurt myself even.
What doesn't help is the teachers. I don't really talk that much to my teachers, it's almost like, when they talk to me about my anxiety issues (I have not been diagnosed - I will add to that later) I immediately turn mute or something. It's like I'm being forced to nod along. My mind will start racing and all these different thoughts will pop up.
My parents are the same, especially my mother. I know she means well, but whenever she talks about my behaviour, or my problems, she talks about them as if they ruin her life more than they do mine. Like they cause her a bigger problem when she isn't the one dealing with the issue.
My dad was diagnosed with GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) about a year ago, so I assumed he of all people would understand the problems I have, but he's the one telling me to 'snap out of it', and that's the last thing I want to hear.
Hearing things like that make it worse. They cause my mind to down spiral in a way. Things like,
'It'll get better'
'I know exactly how you feel.'
'You just need to look on the bright side'
'There are people worse than you'
'Stop being so selfish'
'Snap out of it'
'You should be focusing on the good things in life'.
I get frustrated, and get argumentative and irritated when told to 'snap out of it' because if I could, I most definitely would. It's not an on and off switch. It's not like I want this.
About a month ago I started applying for weekend jobs, just to get some spare money whilst I studied for my GCSEs, and all the ones I applied to, I either got blanked or told no, and even though they didn't know me, and had never met me, my first thought was 'It's because they don't like me. It's my hair, it's my weight, it's the way I dress, it's because I don't have enough work experience, it's my age, etc etc etc'. And it hasn't stopped.
Another thing that's been happening is my lack of want in situations. I turned 16 last year in December, and I didn't want to celebrate it at all. I didn't' want to know I was having my birthday, I didn't want cards or gifts, I didn't want to see anyone, I just wanted to curl up into a ball in my sweatpants and hoodie and sleep. And it's been like this for a while. I've definitely lost interest in playing piano, and painting. I've been able to do a few exhibitions, and sell paintings despite my age, and I know these are great achievements but I don't want to paint at all. It's gotten to the point where the smell of the paint revolts me and I don't want to go anywhere near it, yet I get irritated with myself because my parents built me a special quiet place to be able to paint and have all of my equipment out, and I feel bad because I never use it. I feel terrible because I don't
want to paint, and I feel like I'm wasting people's time.
What doesn't help is another problem I've been having; since around the age of 11, I began to see people. I don't generally hear voices telling me to do things, or that I'm making bad decision, or that I'm a bad person. I mostly smell things that aren't there, or feel things. In terms of seeing people, it's not like seeing an actual human being, who is there. It's always someone I've become attached to, and it's always someone I've never met in person. I don't have too many friends because I find it really hard to make and keep friends, but I talk to a lot of people over the internet from all over the world. These people who I've met over the internet are the people I usually 'see'.
The people that I do 'see', are always men, they always look at me, comfort me, touch my arms, my back, my neck. They look at me with concern, and sometimes if I know of the people they are close to, or their siblings or parents, I'll see them too, but they'll see me in a bad way. Like they're judging me. Which then makes me scared to be able to meet them in person because I'm worried they'll be the same.
When I hear things, it's usually alarms, or people talking about me or to me. Like I'll hear my parents call to me, and I'll go to them and ask them what they want, and then they'll say they never called me. And it'll happen a few times in a short time frame.
When I smell things, it's different. I get nightmares a lot, and there's usually always a smell involved, usually blood or the smell of rotting flesh, and after I wake up I'll feel nauseous and I'll continue to smell the same blood smell all day and it won't stop and it drives me mad.
Also when I feel things, I usually feel chains or ropes around my arms, to the point where I'll feel like I'll get friction burns or bruises.
I don't know why these things happen. Or what exactly is happening. After having hallucinations or things like that, I'll go into a depressive state and I won't be able to function properly. This state of depressive behaviour lasts for ages, and it's not a state of sadness, it's more an overwhelming amount of numbness, emptiness, hopelessness and shame. I'll overthink everything, questioning my sanity and whether or not this is an everyday thing for everyone, and I'm just being over dramatic.
I've been to multiple counselling sessions, I've seen clinical nurses, and I have now been referred to CAMHS (Child & Adolescent Mental Health Services). I know I should wait it out and see what they say, but the getting an appointment takes months, and I know everyone has to deal with that, but if anyone has an idea of whats going on with me, please let me know. It's ruining my school work, my home life, my social life and all of my relationships. I cannot keep living in the dark.
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I need answers! watch
- Thread Starter
- 05-02-2018 22:08