I have 2 goals;
1. Stop being a mess of a human and get organised
2. Finally watch Game of Thrones (yes I know, I'm that person)
I will explain these goals in due course, however there is a bit of backstory needed.
I'm not going to lie or sugar coat it, A levels took everything out of me. At the time I was aspiring to get into Medicine, putting huge amounts of pressure on myself to reach goals that, frankly, I was not going to achieve. Don't get me wrong, I worked so hard for my A levels, however as my AS results where (to put it lightly) not ideal... I only got 1 interview, and that was due to me being a "disadvantaged student". That interview was horrific. When I did finally get all my rejections from the 4 uni's I'd applied to for medicine, it sort of was a relief. That was when I decided to aim for lower grades and try to get into my back up choice for uni.
Some people may see that as a failure on my part, I certainly did. That was the beginning of my "problems" with mental health. Although I didn't realise it, the pressure I put on myself to perform was making me ill. The insomnia that I had struggled with for a few years got worse, by the time exams started, I was on sleeping tablets so I could rest the night before exams. My Dad would then give me a lift to school, stopping at the garage so I could buy a red bull to try and wake me from the grogginess I felt. It definitely was not healthy but it was the only way I got through those exams. When they where finally over, I could finally rest for the first time in over 2 years.
Results day that year was a bit mad, UCAS Track opened 15 minutes early and I was in the shower. I opened my phone to messages from everyone talking about whether they had got into uni or not already, even though we weren't due our results for another hour! So, shaking I opened my track page. I had got in! My only option for uni had decided I was good enough for them! At that point, still wrapped in my towel with my wet hair dripping down my back, I cried. I cried out of relief, out of exhaustion, I cried over the fact that the stress I had been feeling for so long was finally over. My Dad thought I was crying because I hadn't got in, because I couldn't speak because I was crying that much! 2 years and god knows how many exams later, I was left with 3 B's and a place at uni. And that felt good.
Like I said, A levels wiped me out, so I decided to have a gap year, in order to work, save, and maybe travel a little bit (I'm basic, sue me). The plan was to save so I can maybe survive a little bit once I got to uni (even though I'm now living in one of the cheaper places, I still can't afford much). At first it was great, however with most of my friends at uni, I started to feel lonely. And that feeling didn't go away. I felt pressures from my job and family that I shouldn't have. I kept getting into these slumps and not knowing what to do with myself. My insomnia got worse, and I started to get awful thoughts. I'm useless, I'm a waste of space, look at you, you won't ever achieve your dreams because you're stupid. This got worse, and I got worse. At least during A levels I knew what was causing these feelings, at least I had an excuse.
One day, one of these thoughts told me to kill myself. That was a week before I decided to get help. March 2017 I had to jump through hoops in order to get referred to therapy. That was me trying to get better. And for a while, It seemed to work. Once every 2 weeks I'd go to talk, we would sometimes talk about coping strategies, and see if I was getting better. I had to fill out a questionnaire and all my answers would be scores. If the scores went down, wow, that means I was getting better! But I wasn't, I was just coping better. Therapy finished in September of 2017, just in time to start uni.
I moved to uni on the 16th of September ready to begin freshers week. (Sorry, not going to tell you which uni, you'll just have to guess.) I felt confident that I could manage my mental health by myself now, begin new chapter of my life, have my life sorted out and be better. It began that way, I managed to make friends, speak to people on my course, join clubs (finally getting back into all the sport I had neglected to do during A levels! I even competed in my first BUCS event for snow sports.) so things where going quite well. My course is a medical sciences course, and most people opt to do the foundation year, whereas I did not. Being surrounded by people who (seem) to know what's going on and what they need to do is a bit daunting. I felt like an underdog, having to work everything out about the uni by myself.
With my first assignment, we had to hand in a draft copy which was expected to be completed as if it was the final product. I 100% left it to the last minute to complete. I started it 2 weeks before it was due, but I was still working on it till the night before. I then had my first exam, a practical in which we where given 2 microscope slides and be expected to identify the cells and answer questions on them. I actually felt pretty confident about that exam. And then I got my draft assignment feedback. Given it was my first essay since GCSE English, I actually did pretty well. I didn't have to improve too much, and got it sorted relatively easily.
My biggest concern for semester 1 was a module call IMS. A module only taught in the first semester, it is a mammoth 30 credits with 90% of the module being based on 1 exam in January. No matter how much I tried to learn it never seemed enough. So before Christmas, my mental health was getting much worse again. Trying to balance everything started to get too much. I couldn't enjoy Christmas because I had this overwhelming sense of dread that I was a failure, that its all futile, whats the point in trying because you are going to fail. So revising for January exams was a bit of a struggle.
I had 2 exams, ethics and the dreaded IMS exam. From then, my mental health has got worse. I have lost all motivation even though my course is really interesting. Half of it is because of my anticipation for the results, but then I am feeling bad all the time again and its getting too much once again. So yesterday I took the first step in trying to sort my life out (WOOHOO!). I finally registered at the student health centre so I can try to get help for my anxiety and depression. It needs to be done, because I have worked too hard to get here to throw it away now.
That's one reason why I'm a mess at the moment. Because of this ongoing problem with mental health, its affecting my studies. I want to be organised, I need to be organised. I need to be on top of my work and get prepared for the May exams. And that brings us to the first blog post. I am going to document this time, let's see if I can get my life sorted out.
Oh and I haven't watched Game of thrones yet, but I'm reading the books first, so I will at some point be informed like most of the human population is.
Thanks for reading, these 2 exam results are due in the next week, so I'll update you then, and also go over the feedback I've had for the other exams and assignments I've done over semester 1, and also how far I've got with the health service.
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You know nothing, viriani. watch
- Thread Starter
- 06-02-2018 18:13
- 08-02-2018 10:49