One of my best friends is crazy about a friend of hers who left the country a month ago and is now thousands of miles away.
Nothing ever happened between them and he never said anything/neither did she, but a couple of weeks ago she asked their mutual friend if something could have happened in her opinion and she said yeah, I think so! Since this my friend has been on cloud 9.
My friend is 30 and has been single for around 5 years; she has very low confidence and believes guys aren't into her, and I try often to boost her confidence.
The thing is, this guy is now thousands of miles away as I said and she is not likely to see him for almost a year. And even that isn't sure.
The problem is that my friend is obsessing over this guy to a point where it seems to be making her depressed, and I feel very bad for her as i've been there, and now I can see her acting like this, I realise how unhealthy it is.
Every time he doesn't respond to her message immediately, she messages me upset that he's stopped talking to her. She screenshots me all of his messages and wants me to help her to construct funny/interesting replies. I told her she should just be herself and not have to try too hard as he likes her for who she is, but she insists she needs to 'up her game' in order to 'maintain his interest'.
I have never even met this guy so can't really comment on his behaviour. He has never told her he likes her or done anything to suggest so, other than being friendly iwth her, but I'm really not sure.
She will message me in a panic because he either hasn't been online for a while, or was online at 4am or something, so she wonders if he's been with a girl.
the last straw was when she messaged me in a state telling me that she'd seen pictures of him and another girl (which dated from 3 months ago!!) saying how much prettier the girl was, that there had obviously been something between them; he liked this girl more than her, he didn't care about my friend etc. etc. and how absolutely heartbroken she was. The thing is, she has absolutely zero proof and is going off photos taken 3 months ago. A mutual friend told her she is right to be suspicious, which i really don't think is good advice.
As I said, I've been there before with other guys and I know it isn't nice. She also has such low self-confidence and I think it is a shame that she is torturing herself to this extent over a guy.
I decided to tell her in the nicest way possible that she needs to get a grip. I did not say these words; I said I completely understood how she felt; we'd all been there and I sympathised.
however, she is not likely to see this guy for a year. She has never even told him she likes him and he has said nothing to her either. She is not going to panic that every message is the last; spend every day panicking about his online status and convince herself that every picture means he's in love with this girl. I said she needed to find a way to distract herself, to stop placing this guy on a pedestal and while it was normal to have feelings, her behaviour was obsessive and not healthy and she could meet plenty of other guys.
I said the pictures surely meant absolutely nothing and that they were from 3 months ago; it was silly to jump to conclusions and overall to panic about stuff that we cannot change; that she should at least tell him so they could find a solution; she knew where she standed.
Unfortunately, she took this very badly and said I was crushing her feelings/ I didn't understand. I told her that I understood fully as I had been exactly in her place 2 years ago, and was just trying to stop her going through the same misery.
I thought being straight-talking would work, but it seems she just wants me to say everything she wants to hear. If they're not going to see each other for 1 year, I just don't see it working, and it's not even sure that he likes her. it's literally all she talks about, and another friend has even told her that she is being very annoying by constantly talking about him.
I dont at all mind talking about it, but I just don't see how she's going to be happy if she spends every day torturing herself. Did I say the rgiht thing or was I too harsh? Thanks
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How to help a friend who is obsessed with a guy watch
- 07-02-2018 20:18
- 07-02-2018 20:34
Also I should mention she's suddenly decided she'd love to move to his new country 'for other reasons'.. hmmm...
- 08-02-2018 00:19
I used to be hung up on a guy who obviously didn't like me as much as I liked him, although not to quite the same extent as your friend. But I'd obsess over his replies, what I said, any pictures of him, where he was on the Snapmap. What really helped me was a reality check. I realised this was very unhealthy, although he'd constantly give me hope which did not help my situation. I simply had to end it because I knew it was a dead end. I think it was around midnight one day when I realised he had ignored my message again that it obviously was never going to work and he just made me unhappy. It's hard to get someone else to realise that though, they have to realise it for themselves.
- 08-02-2018 00:28
- 08-02-2018 06:07
Thanks for the replies! Yeah, I don't know if there's any way of me getting through to her.. I thought that straight-talking would be the best approach ,as my other friend telling her 'she's right to be suspicious' isn't going to do her any favours at all. But yeah ,I hope she'll meet someone who is in the country, or maybe tell him how she feels, but she doesn't seem willing to ..