This is my first time posting here on this forum, so I'm quite new to this stuff. It's about a girl I've been crushing on for a very long time now. Just to mention right in the beginning, we're both girls. One other important thing is that I'm currently doing an exchange year, but however I'm vacationing here every year because it's my parents home country. So let's get started. In advance, I just want to apologize, because this will be long.
There’s this one girl in my school that I really like, but she’s giving me mixed signals. We’ve only known each other for 4 months now because she’s not in my class (but I see her quite often though). I will start of by giving some background information. Our relation started off very good; we met at the gym that we both go to, and the first day we met each other, we were literally together all the time at the gym (and we talked and she laughed a lot about things I were saying). After we were finished she told me to add her on Instagram. When I asked her what her username was, I remembered that she had watched some of my past stories; and I didn’t know it was her because I didn’t know her name at that time.
I don’t really know what happened in my mind (because I’m usually very shy + being an INTJ female doesn’t exactly make you a champion in expressing feelings), but I started to become distant towards her. I did this because of the fact that I’m lesbian, and I have no idea if she’s one too, and all of a sudden I got embarrassed and didn’t want her to feel awkward if I showed even a little attraction... With distant, I mean that I started to ignore her (as if she wasn't there) and avoid all sorts of eye contact with her. One other reason why I did that is that when we went home after our first meeting at the gym, the way she said “bye” seemed kinda wrong (I know this is just stupid, but that’s just how I felt).
This was of course a veeery stupid idea of me. On the gym, there’s like a fitness group (or idk how to call it), and we attend it both of us. Now we’ve come to the point when we don’t communicate at all, but she always gets very close (or next to me) at the fitness groups. Sometimes even behind me, and I also caught her staring at me most of the times while doing the exercises - especially when she’s behind me. Sometimes we also arrange ourselves into groups of two, and we’re always together (she comes to me too - so she takes the initiative here too) - but we still don't talk.
All the times when we’re in these groups I catch her doing the exercises in exactly my tempo; doing push-ups, lifting one leg, sit-ups, everything! For example, when we have to lift legs, she always starts with the one I’m starting with too. And she gets awfully close too (she “accidentally” gets our workout mats closer). Even when we’re doing normal fitness class; last time she was almost so close to me that she could have literally touched me, and it’s not even a big class (there’s plenty of place). I always catch her staring at me in the breaks, usually when I’m not looking, but I can see her staring + plus there’s a mirror which I use lol. From the first time we met at the gym, I don’t even look at her anymore (only when she doesn’t see it though). So enough about the fitness.
Now I'm going to talk about something that happened on 8th (Friday) and 9th (Saturday) of December. We went on a school trip, but only a few of us were going. On Friday (as usual) I caught her staring at me; even some of my friends noticed and looked at her then me (as if we were actually flirting). One other thing that she did is when we had like a guide to guide us through the city; she held hands with another girl (I know they’re not together), but she only did that when I could have seen her (especially when I was right behind her). She actually caught me staring at her a couple of times while on the trip, but every single time, I was the one to look away first (because it kinda felt as if she was staring into my soul - she stares very long). BTW, I forgot to mention, on the bus ride I was sitting alone because I get nauseous from sitting further down the bus, and she asked me if I would sit with her. But I just said that I get nauseous, and thanked no.
On Saturday we went to some sort of museum and we were two groups. Since me and this girl were not in the same group; her best friend asked me if I would go with her through the city. So we did that, and we got along very well (which IMO is sorta strange because her friends seem to like me - while I’m still confused about her. I and her bestie went to the shops, and in one moment her bestie decided to call her to go eating (and she said idk), but then she said that I’m there with her - and she literally came to us in 5 min. That was the first time I had eye contact longer than 3 seconds with her since the first time at the gym. One thing I also noticed is that, every time she would walk in front of me, she would walk in a different way than usual - kinda like showing off.
Lastly (about this trip), there’s one other thing that I found really weird when we were on our way home. We were still on the bus, and I decided to post an Instagram story (a screenshot of a song that I really like - in order to make her know how I feel about her). Oddly enough, she was the first one to see my story (in less than 1 min). I want to post some of the lyrics here because it will maybe make more sense to what I’m gonna say later.
Parts of the lyrics goes like this:
C’mon and take me
I’ve got you on my mind
Everybody saying time
Take me, take me, take me to heaven.
Now I won’t post the whole lyrics (it’s written by a lesbian couple (BriaandChrissy)), and the song sings exactly how I feel about her. I also wrote, “This song got me in my feels”. And I think this girl listened to the song, because when we went out from the bus, I was the first one to get out, and she quickly hurried next to me. And when she had to get her baggage, she bumped really deeply into me (which is kinda weird because she stood next to me/a little behind), but not right behind me. Then I walked quickly to the boat, and she was right behind me (which is also quite strange because she also had to take her baggage - so she would literally have had to run to get to the place I was - I had my baggage with me in the bus). Then we came to the boat, but she had some problems with her bag (she couldn’t lift it), so I came first and I sat down on a place, and 3 min later she came in and she looked at me all the way because I was sitting on the side and she smiled a little all the way till she came to her friends. Here’s the strange thing; she and her best friend went away from her other friends, and to me, it looked like they were listening to sth (and this got me even more confused - because I think she showed her the song I posted). They were standing there for like ten minutes, and when they sat down, they were turning around to look at me - including her best friend (many times). The girl would also look sometimes, but her friends looked awfully many times at me. I don’t know how to describe her face (it’s positive), and it was really funny since her friends turned around so many times.
I had my birthday the 13th of December and I asked her if she would come to my bday party, and she replied that she would love to. She was actually the first to come (she didn't even have time to fully dry her hair after showering). Now comes the funny/weird/confusing part. I went out to see if someone was close, and then I saw her - she saw me, and she started running (almost spriting) towards me until she came to the part when she almost jumped on me. Then she hugged me really long, and she was just really cute - like a completely different person.
She was so happy, and we talked so much in those 20 mins we were alone, and she talked about things that I never ever told her. For example, she started mentioning me going on Karate (but how on earth would she know that if she didn’t ask someone). We basically talked non-stop, until the others came. Now I thought it would get even better, but no... It got worse. She didn’t say a word; maybe a few sentences here and there - but that’s it. I and she were the quietest people at the party. To be honest, she said more sentences while talking with me in those 20 mins, than to all of the other 8 combined. I could see on her face that she looked different - if I could judge, I would say maybe disappointed or “not belonging there”. She was laughing (but I could see it was fake) a couple of times when some of the others were saying sth funny, but she always had that sad energy look on her face.
Not only that, but she changed towards me; as if she didn’t know me. It just felt so different. However she was always the one sitting closest to me, and there was one moment when we also exchanged seats/positions. I noticed, that every time I would say sth (not to her), she would turn completely and look at me for a very long time - even if I was not talking to her. Like, there was this other girl asking if they could sleep over if the rain didn't stop, and then she turned at me and looked at me as if she were expecting me to say yes. She also touched a little of my hand when she asked me where that bathroom was, yet it felt so weird from how she was at the beginning. Btw, I forgot to mention, there was a point at the bday party where she asked if I lived here alone.
From the moment my other friends came, it felt like dementors had just sucked out her happiness - and that made me sad too... I have some theories of what could have happened and what I should do next, but I need your help
1. She knows that I like girls, and maybe she does too but is afraid to show the school. I’m an exchange student from Northern Europe, and since I’m currently in a Southern country she might don’t wanna show it. She’s 16 btw. She just wanted to do the easiest and less painful way, and since she did against her will, she started to feel sadder. So what I’m thinking about doing, is being straightforward. Maybe she was expecting sth else. Maybe she wanted us to stay alone. Who knows. But I know I should be honest about how I feel. I was always good at writing a long and touchy letter, but not so sure what I shall write here. Any tips?
After my bday party there was like another school party (9 days later), which she attended on too. But the party has given me more courage in 2018 because whole the time she was literally watching me. There was also a really nice moment when I was sitting on the table (don't ask why lol - there were no chairs ) and I was alone at the whole table, and then she just suddenly sat down right beside me (without talking) and she was literally squeezing up towards me and my hand was touching her butt :P We sat like that for 10 min, until one of her friends dragged her to dance with her. She asked me to hold her phone, and when I gave it back to her she literally grabbed my whole hand. Then she asked me to hold her phone again one more time, and then she did the same thing again. One more thing that happened is that she posted a picture of her and her friends she was posing with at the party. But I'm also in the picture. She could have cropped me out, as she did with two other people, but she decided to have me in the picture; 1/3 of the picture is me. She also wrote the capture *the only one* under the picture. IDK whether this is a hidden meaning or not.
2018 updates: 2018 started as 2017 ended. I haven't given her anything yet, and my behaviour towards her is still the same. I've been planning a trip to my home country, and I asked her if she is interested through messages. She said that she is, and thanked me for the offer, saying it was a "once in a lifetime" offer. I've created a group chat too, but she were never active on it; even though there were just two messages in total. It was almost as if she were waiting for the others to write for her. I had a presentation yesterday, and she couldn't come because she doesn't have classes at that time. Just to mention, I come from a much wealthier and expensive country all the way up in Northern Europe, while this is South Europe. Since that presentation, no one said a thing. IDK whether it's because of the price (because everyone got shocked), or sth else... And when I sent out one last message about who will come, no one replied, including that girl. But again, I don't know if it's because of financial problems, or lack of interest.
I have never really invited her to hang out with only me (1-1), but I'm thinking about doing it now. I just don't know if she likes me or not... I just wish there was a sign. What do you guys thinks? And also, sorry, this was waaay too long.
x Turn on thread page Beta
I'm confused... I think I need some help... watch
- Thread Starter
- 08-02-2018 00:04
- 08-02-2018 12:31
I think when you like someone you try pick up and analyze every little sign to convince yourself they feel the same, most the time they are things that don't mean what we want. So firstly, stop over analysing! It'll just make you more confused. Although everything you've said does sound pretty positive
(also INFP here) I think you do just need to be direct with her, it would save you from all of this confusion and guessing. Have you asked her about her sexuality? Maybe just ask "Are we friends or is there more?"
Good luck ^_^