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    I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year now and initially he lied to me about cheating on his ex and taking drugs now I'm having a really hard time getting over it and being able to trust him, he's also done sexual things with a lot more people before me (7) but says he hasn't slept with anyone before me and I find this really weird and hard to believe, and every time we get intimate I start thinking of all the other girls that have been doing it to him before and I end up stopping, he says he's being honest and that I'm ruining the relationship by dwelling on the past but how can I get over it and start to trust him and forget about the other girls?
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    1. Only you can decide if you are ok with his history or not. And if you're ultimately not ok with it, then there is little point with being with him.

    So the real question needs to be: "If you could trust him again, would you be Ok with his history?".

    If the answer to that question is "Yes", then move onto point two.

    2. How maturely does he behave now when talking of his past transgressions- is he genuinely remorseful when (openly) talking about his past behaviour (totally acknowledging how wrong he was), or does he still try to justify what he did?

    People do make mistakes, and people do make dumb decisions out of immaturity. But people can also likewise grow up and change for the better.

    I would say that someone who has cheated but who still tries to justify their behaviour (blaming their actions on someone else etc), is not to be trusted. Because even if there were factors involved in the cheating occurring (and cheating never occurs in a happy relationship!), the one who cheats is still ultimately in the wrong (but unless the individual acknowledges how wrong their actions were, they could likely justify cheating again in the future).

    To have trust in a cheater, it is not simply enough that you are satisfied with them being completely upfront about what happened. Instead, you also need to be convinced that a fundamental shift in mindset has occurred since that point of them cheating in the past (with the individual maturing from someone who once justified cheating, to one who views it as a wholeheartedly wrong thing to do that is never excusable etc).

    Do you detect that shift in mindset in your boyfriend, or is he someone who still doesn't take responsibility for his past bad decisions?
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    (Original post by Feastful)
    1. Only you can decide if you are ok with his history or not. And if you're ultimately not ok with it, then there is little point with being with him.

    So the real question needs to be: "If you could trust him again, would you be Ok with his history?".

    If the answer to that question is "Yes", then move onto point two.

    2. How maturely does he behave now when talking of his past transgressions- is he genuinely remorseful when (openly) talking about his past behaviour (totally acknowledging how wrong he was), or does he still try to justify what he did?

    People do make mistakes, and people do make dumb decisions out of immaturity. But people can also likewise grow up and change for the better.

    I would say that someone who has cheated but who still tries to justify their behaviour (blaming their actions on someone else etc), is not to be trusted. Because even if there were factors involved in the cheating occurring (and cheating never occurs in a happy relationship!), the one who cheats is still ultimately in the wrong (but unless the individual acknowledges how wrong their actions were, they could likely justify cheating again in the future).

    To have trust in a cheater, it is not simply enough that you are satisfied with them being completely upfront about what happened. Instead, you also need to be convinced that a fundamental shift in mindset has occurred since that point of them cheating in the past (with the individual maturing from someone who once justified cheating, to one who views it as a wholeheartedly wrong thing to do that is never excusable etc).

    Do you detect that shift in mindset in your boyfriend, or is he someone who still doesn't take responsibility for his past bad decisions?
    He says he hates what he did and he regrets it completely and I believe him, I've seen him cry over how sorry he was and how much he regrets it and he promises to never do it again, he admits he was wrong but always says the relationship was already ruined when he cheated so I don't know if that's him trying to justify it or not? I think the hardest part is that he told me he'd never cheated then months in admitted to cheating he says he hid it at first because was scared of losing me
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    He lied to you about cheating on his ex and taking drugs.

    The problem isn't him sleeping with seven other girls before you because you're simply being insecure, though he does sound like he's lying about not being fully intimate with them and only saying it to get into your pants, which is one red flag. The problem is that he lied to you about cheating on his ex and taking drugs - this is what you should be concerned - a huge red flag is being waved right in front of your face. If I was in your position, I'd run.

    You want to trust a cheat, who lied to you about cheating? Go ahead but don't come on TSR crying about him cheating on you too. This would be different if he was fully honest, showed 100% responsibility and sincere regret - he clearly has not.

    You want to trust someone, who lies to you about doing drugs? Go ahead but there's clear underlying trust issues here and he is probably one of those druggies - the kind that are addicted to drugs and end up stealing from you to get that hit.
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    (Original post by num.7)
    He lied to you about cheating on his ex and taking drugs.

    The problem isn't him sleeping with seven other girls before you because you're simply being insecure, though he does sound like he's lying about not being fully intimate with them and only saying it to get into your pants, which is one red flag. The problem is that he lied to you about cheating on his ex and taking drugs - this is what you should be concerned - a huge red flag is being waved right in front of your face. If I was in your position, I'd run.

    You want to trust a cheat, who lied to you about cheating? Go ahead but don't come on TSR crying about him cheating on you too. This would be different if he was fully honest, showed 100% responsibility and sincere regret - he clearly has not.
    He cheated on his ex when he was a lot younger about 5 years ago and I know it shouldn't bother me but im a very insecure person, he didn't sleep with the girls before him just everything but and he says he hasn't slept with anyone before me, although it causes problems when you love someone and they're a massive part of your life and you see your future with them it's not that easy to just "run", hence the reason I'm trying to learn to deal with it
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    (Original post by Sahara040700)
    He says he hates what he did and he regrets it completely and I believe him, I've seen him cry over how sorry he was and how much he regrets it and he promises to never do it again, he admits he was wrong but always says the relationship was already ruined when he cheated so I don't know if that's him trying to justify it or not? I think the hardest part is that he told me he'd never cheated then months in admitted to cheating he says he hid it at first because was scared of losing me

    Personally I think that it's entirely natural & reasonable for you to have your doubts, and I don't think it is fair of him to accuse of you of "Ruining the relationship" when this entire situation only came about because he wasn't upfront about things more a lot earlier on etc.
    What sets some major alarm bells ringing is the crying behaviour combined with the fact that he still justifies the cheating. The crying is quite an extreme reaction from a fully grown man- who is he crying for (and what about exactly)?

    Crying can be quite a manipulative behaviour; some people really know how to turn on the water works when trying to gain sympathy from others! Do you think he is crying to guilt trip you (out of doubting him etc) or because he feels genuine remorse?
    Behaviour like this can be learned from childhood.

    Because I would argue that if he is genuinely remorseful, then him adding that "the relationship was virtually dead anyway", flies in the face of those tears (because that statement is an attempt to justify the cheating). I wonder how much his ex thought the relationship was over when he cheated on her (and whether he too cried when she confronted him about stuff he had done wrong).

    (This relationship is your call to make), but if it were me, I would not trust him and I would decide that I could spend my youth better than stuck in a relationship with someone that is plagued by so many doubts, tears and dishonesty. I would leave the guy; IMO his behaviour doesn't speak clearly of a reformed character (he covers up the truth, then he claims to be remorseful, then he tries to justify his past behaviour and then he accuses you of ruining things!)- that and the past history, it's just too much to overlook.
    He sounds proactively manipulative.

    I think you can do better than this guy.
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    (Original post by Feastful)
    Personally I think that it's entirely natural & reasonable for you to have your doubts, and I don't think it is fair of him to accuse of you of "Ruining the relationship" when this entire situation only came about because he wasn't upfront about things more a lot earlier on etc.
    What sets some major alarm bells ringing is the crying behaviour combined with the fact that he still justifies the cheating. The crying is quite an extreme reaction from a fully grown man- who is he crying for (and what about exactly)?

    Crying can be quite a manipulative behaviour; some people really know how to turn on the water works when trying to gain sympathy from others! Do you think he is crying to guilt trip you (out of doubting him etc) or because he feels genuine remorse?
    Behaviour like this can be learned from childhood.

    Because I would argue that if he is genuinely remorseful, then him adding that "the relationship was virtually dead anyway", flies in the face of those tears (because that statement is an attempt to justify the cheating). I wonder how much his ex thought the relationship was over when he cheated on her (and whether he too cried when she confronted him about stuff he had done wrong).

    (This relationship is your call to make), but if it were me, I would not trust him and I would decide that I could spend my youth better than stuck in a relationship with someone that is plagued by so many doubts, tears and dishonesty. I would leave the guy; IMO his behaviour doesn't speak clearly of a reformed character (he covers up the truth, then he claims to be remorseful, then he tries to justify his past behaviour and then he accuses you of ruining things!)- that and the past history, it's just too much to overlook.
    He sounds proactively manipulative.

    I think you can do better than this guy.
    Ever since we first started dating he's always been quite an emotional guy and will always cry over quite a lot of things initially I thought it was quite manipulative myself and confronted him about this but he said it wasn't and may people around me including my family think he genuinely loves me but I worry I am causing problems because of my insecurities? I've considered leaving him or taking a break but I can't because I am in love with him, this is why it's so hard to just let it go for me because the fact he did that to himself and took drugs hurt me a lot because someone that amazing shouldn't risk themselves by doing things like that, it's just a very complex situation
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    (Original post by Sahara040700)
    Ever since we first started dating he's always been quite an emotional guy and will always cry over quite a lot of things initially I thought it was quite manipulative myself and confronted him about this but he said it wasn't and may people around me including my family think he genuinely loves me but I worry I am causing problems because of my insecurities? I've considered leaving him or taking a break but I can't because I am in love with him, this is why it's so hard to just let it go for me because the fact he did that to himself and took drugs hurt me a lot because someone that amazing shouldn't risk themselves by doing things like that, it's just a very complex situation

    It is possible for someone to be loving and manipulative at the same time. It is also possible to fall in love with someone who you are not well suited to. A lot of things in life aren't that clear cut (and strong emotional attachments can foggy truths).

    There are insecurities, and there are genuine doubts. I think it's completely normal and expected for you to feel the way you do. The issue is where you both take things from here.

    The emotional environment of this relationship also sounds very suffocating/cloying to be in. If you can't have a conversation with the guy without him bursting into tears or trying to undermine your feelings etc, then it doesn't bode well for the future of the relationship. Good communication is a big part of having a good relationship!

    You two need to have a good serious talk, a final ultimatum talk about the situation, and draw a line in the sand somewhere about what's gone on in the past and decide to move on.

    Personally I would not stick with the guy. But if you do decide to (and who knows, it could be the right decision for you both), then you need to agree to make a concerted effort to make no more mention of the past. It's not fair to say "Yes I forgive you and will be with you" and then to regularly punish and doubt him over the past. You either decide stay and relish the present and future together, or you leave and move on.

    This decision isn't going to be answered here though. Only you two can decide what is best for your relationship. But to do this you need to both sit down and talk through all your honest feelings (with no crying, raised voices or exaggerated accusations etc) and work out compromises/solutions on how better to move forward in the relationship (and then give things your best shot). If after this concerted effort, you still find yourself back at the table with the same problems, then you should both strongly consider that despite whatever love there is, that you are not very compatible (and should move on from each other).
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    (Original post by Feastful)
    It is possible for someone to be loving and manipulative at the same time. It is also possible to fall in love with someone who you are not well suited to. A lot of things in life aren't that clear cut (and strong emotional attachments can foggy truths).

    There are insecurities, and there are genuine doubts. I think it's completely normal and expected for you to feel the way you do. The issue is where you both take things from here.

    The emotional environment of this relationship also sounds very suffocating/cloying to be in. If you can't have a conversation with the guy without him bursting into tears or trying to undermine your feelings etc, then it doesn't bode well for the future of the relationship. Good communication is a big part of having a good relationship!

    You two need to have a good serious talk, a final ultimatum talk about the situation, and draw a line in the sand somewhere about what's gone on in the past and decide to move on.

    Personally I would not stick with the guy. But if you do decide to (and who knows, it could be the right decision for you both), then you need to agree to make a concerted effort to make no more mention of the past. It's not fair to say "Yes I forgive you and will be with you" and then to regularly punish and doubt him over the past. You either decide stay and relish the present and future together, or you leave and move on.

    This decision isn't going to be answered here though. Only you two can decide what is best for your relationship. But to do this you need to both sit down and talk through all your honest feelings (with no crying, raised voices or exaggerated accusations etc) and work out compromises/solutions on how better to move forward in the relationship (and then give things your best shot). If after this concerted effort, you still find yourself back at the table with the same problems, then you should both strongly consider that despite whatever love there is, that you are not very compatible (and should move on from each other).
    Thank you so much for your help! I hope we work things out
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    He cheated another girl because their relationships were not good enough. If a boy is satisfied with everything, he won't look for "adventures" somewhere else. The fact that he cheated his ex doesn't make him a cheater for the entire living. If you build your relationship in a way that you are both happy, then why would he or you need cheating or something?

    Actually, I don't see a problem in the fact that he lied you because you were not dating for a long time and he exaplained you that he thought it would negatively influence your relationships. I think his motivation is clear.
    Concerning drugs, you must be careful. It depends on how much he takes but anyway it's not good.
 
 
 
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