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Was this sexual assault? watch

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    Rape these days is so focused on men raping women that there really isn't many resources regarding the reverse, so I figured I'd ask here.

    A month or so back me and a girl I was casual dating were having sex. It was getting really late at night, I was exhausted and wasn't feeling it so tried to stop. She wrapped her legs around me, grabbed me and kept going. I told her I didn't want to carry on and she just ignored me. Eventually after being more forceful and pretty much prising her off me she stopped.

    Should I be reporting this. I was forced to continue in an activity I didn't want to, but at the best of times this seems to be a bit of a grey area with regards to withdrawing consent partway though. Things get even less informed when it's a guy trying to stop and a girl forcing him.
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    This is a hard one. I think the questions you need to be asking at the moment is: Do you want to press charges? Do you mind being humiliated or belittled by the police? Do you mind some people thinking of you as 'less of a man'? If you do want to press charges and dont mind the two latter questions then I'd say you should report it and I would recommend it. Good luck!!!
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    Legally, consent is a continuing thing and just because you were ok with something starting doesn't mean you can't withdraw consent in the middle of it.

    So, yes, it would be sexual assault, even if it's not 'rape'.

    Is reporting it going to make your life happier and if so, how?
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    I figured it can't be rape, as in UK law that still requires a penis.

    I just laughed it off at the time, but looking back it wasn't ok and I've ended up feeling rather harassed and used over the whole thing. It's preying on my mind massively atm, to the point it's getting in the way of me living my life. I was bullied a lot at school, and I guess since then have never been able to stand by when someone does something bad and "gets away with it". Equally though I don't want to ruin this persons life. Once an accusation is made do I have any say in what happens. If they admit to it can I request that they're just given a caution, or will the police have to investigate and take it all the way so to speak?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Rape these days is so focused on men raping women that there really isn't many resources regarding the reverse, so I figured I'd ask here.

    A month or so back me and a girl I was casual dating were having sex. It was getting really late at night, I was exhausted and wasn't feeling it so tried to stop. She wrapped her legs around me, grabbed me and kept going. I told her I didn't want to carry on and she just ignored me. Eventually after being more forceful and pretty much prising her off me she stopped.

    Should I be reporting this. I was forced to continue in an activity I didn't want to, but at the best of times this seems to be a bit of a grey area with regards to withdrawing consent partway though. Things get even less informed when it's a guy trying to stop and a girl forcing him.
    Unfortunately you're right about it currently not being classed as rape because she didn't insert a penis into you (I think that's silly). It seems clear to me that it was sexual assault though. Consent can be withdrawn at any time and of you had to force her off you sure clearly didn't take notice of your withdrawal of consent.

    It is absolutely okay for you to be feeling bad about this. Somebody did something to you against your will and that is a very nasty thing to happen. What you need to remember is it was not your fault and it does not change you. Somebody did a nasty thing to you. That's on them.
    I would suggest that you consider some counseling or therapy to help you with your feelings about it. They can help you work through it and also some of your issues from bullying.

    It's up to you if you want to report it or not, but I do think it could end up being an embarrassing experience that doesn't achieve much. If you are willing to go through that potential embarrassment just don't get your hopes up about anything substantial happening over it. It may help to talk to a helpline about it because they should be able to give you better advice than me. I do not want to discourage you from reporting it if that is what you want to do, but unfortunately the whole system around sexual assault isn't brilliant.

    I hope that helps. Sorry that happened to you and best wishes.
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    If you are still in contact with her, have you told her how you feel about what happened?

    If her reaction to being told is 'OMG, I am so sorry I was so selfish and will never do it again' then that's probably as good an outcome as you can hope for.

    If it's 'LOL, so what' then that would be useful if you do decide to report it.
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    (Original post by dilarasmyth)
    This is a hard one. I think the questions you need to be asking at the moment is: Do you want to press charges? Do you mind being humiliated or belittled by the police? Do you mind some people thinking of you as 'less of a man'? If you do want to press charges and dont mind the two latter questions then I'd say you should report it and I would recommend it. Good luck!!!
    It’s not a hard decision to make at all because you have clearly stated that he is going to be humiliated or belittled by the police. It’s attitudes like that which prevent people reporting sexual assaults. If people believe your tripe then it’s basically game over - who on earth would want to put themselves through that? I think you have watched too many 1970s movies: believe it or not the police are actually trained to deal with sexual assaults and in no way would any decent police officer belittle a victim. Sure; you might find one or two, but your generalisation is ridiculous. Being a cynic is not helpful. The guy is hurting.
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    There is the world that there is, and there is the world that we would like it to be. There is an element of a postcode lottery to it, but I would hope and expect that he would not get any crap from police.

    At the moment, he has control over who knows about this. Going to the police would end this, especially if they interview her because it's hard to keep that quiet.

    So realistically, when it became more widely known that he has made this complaint, what do you think the reaction of his peer group is going to be? Much that I wish it would be otherwise, I do think it is very likely that it's not going to be sympathetic.

    This is one of my reasons for saying that, if possible, contacting her via email / text would be better.
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    (Original post by Canterbury bloke)
    It’s not a hard decision to make at all because you have clearly stated that he is going to be humiliated or belittled by the police. It’s attitudes like that which prevent people reporting sexual assaults. If people believe your tripe then it’s basically game over - who on earth would want to put themselves through that? I think you have watched too many 1970s movies: believe it or not the police are actually trained to deal with sexual assaults and in no way would any decent police officer belittle a victim. Sure; you might find one or two, but your generalisation is ridiculous. Being a cynic is not helpful. The guy is hurting.
    I didn't mean at all to suggest that he would definitely be belittled or whatever, but you cannot deny that sometimes it happens and it can have such a negative consequence on your overall mental health that sometimes it can be better to not report. However, of course, it is usually better to report and do what makes you feel safe and happy as you can possibly be.
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    What she did was sexual assault and was totally out of order.

    Having said that, she sounds like my kind of woman. If my partner did the same to me I'd be totally fine about it. In fact I'd love her even more.


    However it is horses for courses. And I can feel for the OP, as this was not a nice experience from his point of view.
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    (Original post by unprinted)
    There is the world that there is, and there is the world that we would like it to be. There is an element of a postcode lottery to it, but I would hope and expect that he would not get any crap from police.

    At the moment, he has control over who knows about this. Going to the police would end this, especially if they interview her because it's hard to keep that quiet.

    So realistically, when it became more widely known that he has made this complaint, what do you think the reaction of his peer group is going to be? Much that I wish it would be otherwise, I do think it is very likely that it's not going to be sympathetic.

    This is one of my reasons for saying that, if possible, contacting her via email / text would be better.
    Fortunately we don't share a friendship group at all, so there's little to no chance of anyone else I know ever finding out about it.
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    (Original post by Dunnig Kruger)
    What she did was sexual assault and was totally out of order.

    Having said that, she sounds like my kind of woman. If my partner did the same to me I'd be totally fine about it. In fact I'd love her even more.


    However it is horses for courses. And I can feel for the OP, as this was not a nice experience from his point of view.
    Like I say, at the time I just laughed it off. I'm not sure whether due to the situation or because as a guy that's what I've been conditioned to do, after all I'm always gagging for it right? Since then I've seen her more spiteful, vindicative side and it's reinforced it, moving from playful fun to abusive control, and it's something I can't shake.
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    Yes, when it's all part of a jig-saw that added up to her not being worthy of your affection, you were so right for moving on.

    I think you've handled the whole thing very well.
 
 
 
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