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I don't know what is wrong with me watch

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    Okay I’m gonna try and break down whats happening because I have no ****ing idea what is happening inside my head.

    I don’t know how I feel, all I know is that it isn’t normal to feel how I feel. I have no direct cause to feel this way I just feel this way, I live in a really *****y situation but it doesnt make me sad, I’m already ‘sad’ and that just makes it worse.

    Im tired, I’m really really tired all the time, again there is no cause for tiredness, I don’t run 100 miles a day, but I feel like I’m just constantly tired, anything I have to do just seems like a mountain to climb, maybe I’m lazy, but I don’t get why I am so so tired.

    I thought maybe its depression, but there are so many god damn types, major depression is the ‘normal’ one, but I don’t go in and out of being depressed , I just am depressed. I don’t know a time when I felt different to this, its been that long I have no idea who I am anymore.

    Everything negative spirals. If something really small happens I will take that and spin it into something much worse, its like my ‘friends’ left me out of secret Santa thing at Christmas, then I spent days thinking about why I am such a bad person, why no one will like me, why I’m such a god damn weird kid, basically just hated myself, now anytime I feel like hating myself I will always go to events like to back up my ‘argument’, as if I argue with myself, I do but that **** is crazy.

    Everything I care about doing has to be perfect, for example I made a music video for a2 media, people have been complimenting me about it, but all I can do is focus on every negative thing about my music video, I have convinced myself I’m a complete failure who will never get anywhere in life. I have 2 extremes, either do something and it has to be perfect, or don’t care about it and fail. I will be a failure unless I get full marks, which seems crazy but thats how I think, I can’t change how I think, last year at AS I got 57/60 marks, but I again convinced myself I was a failure.

    If I’m happy about a piece of work I have done (which hardly ever happens), I can never give myself credit for it, for example I did a photoshoot with a friend and I liked the photos I took, for three seconds, until I convinced myself all I did is click a button on a camera, my model is the one that made the photos a success.

    A lot of the time I just feel numb, again I can’t explain it, I just don’t feel anything, even when something really bad happens I will continue to feel numb, then ill get upset about it, feel everything all at once, and go back to feeling numb.

    Its a cycle, im always feeling depressed, but its like I reach rock bottom, get really really depressed, bring myself back up again, hit rock bottom again. When I hit rock bottom I often think about su*ci*e, because I can’t take this cycle, nothing changes, its literally like being stuck in hell.

    Most of the time I end up comfort eating / overeating, I don’t know why I guess Its a way to self destruct

    Can’t concentrate most of the time, it takes me ages to complete tasks at school because I have to keep reading stuff in the text book over and over again until something goes into my head.

    I don’t act like a stereotypical depressed person would act, I can get out of bed in the morning is just difficult, I don’t go in and out of depression, I can’t just have major depression.

    I think the worst thing is is that nobody knows, I am unable to tell anyone about anything personal, I really hate the feeling of someone caring about me (idk why it just makes me really uncomfortable). Its so annoying, people have no idea about how isolated and depressed I’ve made myself, teachers have no idea about the reason why I can’t meet deadlines, i feel like I’m hanging on by a thread, I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me.

    So I’m stuck, I’m nervous about going to a GP because I think they’re allowed to tell my parents which will make everything worse (I don’t have a normal family at all), I looked up so many types of mental health issues, apparently theres a thing called high functioning depression, idk whether thats the same as persistent depression disorder, idk whats wrong with me. This is not an attention thing, I fricken hate attention, like I said it actually makes me physically uncomfortable.
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    see everything as a spectrum with you occupying a temporary place along it.
    black and white thinking is a habit that you need to get out of.
    have u tried online CBT?
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    (Original post by xylas)
    see everything as a spectrum with you occupying a temporary place along it.
    black and white thinking is a habit that you need to get out of.
    have u tried online CBT?
    nope, and idk because I can't actually remember a time when I didn't feel depressed so it doesn't feel temporary, I'm 17 and I've been feeling this way for years, just this year things have gone especially down hill.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    nope, and idk because I can't actually remember a time when I didn't feel depressed so it doesn't feel temporary, I'm 17 and I've been feeling this way for years, just this year things have gone especially down hill.
    I think it would be worth your GP and discussing how you feel. It can help to book a double appointment and take some written notes of what you want to talk about.
    Mental health is a pretty complex thing with all the different types of stuff, but the main thing is how you feel and a lot of the treatments revolve around the same stuff anyway so it doesn't matter if you don't know what's up (that's what doctors are for anyway).

    You might also like to bring it up with school so they can be a bit more understanding. You don't have to go into detail if you don't want to.
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