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It feels like my boyfriend isn't making enough effort, any advice? watch

    • Thread Starter

    I've been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. We're really far apart; I'm in the UK and he's in the US. We normally make it work by trying to facetime and message as much as we can and squeeze in as much time for each other as possible. We both have hobbies; he's really into climbing and I'm big on running and hiking. Recently it just feels like he hasn't been making an effort.

    He's been terrible at talking. Being in a long distance relationship means that you need to rely on talking rather than just being around each other. He's always struggled with making conversation, but it's becoming really common for me to mention a new show I'm watching or a new book I'm reading and he just says okay and doesn't make any attempt at showing interest or making conversation about it. He's not even having to come up with the things to talk about! It's just really difficult because it feels like he just isn't interested. I've asked him why he can't just ask me questions and he tells me it never comes into his mind.

    I was over visiting him for Christmas and we decided that I would go back over for Spring Break because my university Easter holidays are longer so I don't necessarily need to rush back to make it to class. We had talked about making it two weeks because I have to work over the summer in order to afford to keep this relationship going (his parents are providing him with complete financial support) and thus we're only going to see each other for about 6 weeks of the whole year. This means staying for a week while he has classes, but I've already said I'm totally happy to fit in around his schedule. Just being able to sleep beside each other would make it worthwhile to me. He said he didn't want me to because he wouldn't have as much time to go climbing. I was really hurt by that as he's taking two climbing classes at his college for credit (two 3 hour classes on different days) and he'd have the whole summer to go climbing as much as he liked but he literally only has that extra week to see me. I pointed this out and he agreed he was being an ass and that I should come for the two weeks but it's bothered me ever since that it was the first thing to come into his head rather than jumping at the chance to see me.

    Even when I ask what he wishes he could be doing right now in an ideal world, he says he doesn't know. Like he doesn't dream of finally being with me. When I push him for an answer, he just says he would like to be with me and be able to climb a lot. Like that's it. I just think it's ridiculous that he's in college and in a pretty serious relationship and doesn't have any real goals.

    I just feel at my wits end with it all. I just paid £700 for a ticket to see him for Spring Break and he just doesn't seem all that interested or excited to see me. He doesn't really give a damn about college either - he's only there because his parents are funding his degree for him. He never seems excited to talk to me anymore. I just feel in the way all the time. It's like he needs to grow up and sort out his priorities instead of moping around and climbing all the time.

    Does anyone have any advice?

    To be honest I would just talk to him and lay it all out there. Tell him you're making all this effort (and spending money) to spend time with him and make this relationship work. Any relationship, especially long distance relationships, require tons of work. Im a bit of an extremest and my overall attitude to relationships is "If you dont show interest and I'm busting my ass off to make this work, why should I waste my time and effort in a one sided relationship?" I dont wanna sound harsh, but if you're at the point where you're questioning the relationship you should straight up tell him, If you're not going to try to make this work or show any interest.. why would I want to be in this relationship when I can find someone here in the UK who would actually try? Hopefully this wakes him up and makes him realise how much you two love each other and that this relationship is worth it. If not... I'm really sorry and should spend some time on yourself, becoming the best person you can for you and the right man will come to you.

    Why aren't you going halves or why isn't he coming to see you sometimes?

    This sounds really one sided. You need to be really clear about what you need and if he can't provide it... well it's not that good of a relationship.

    I can imagine being so far apart can be hard. It does sound like your making a lot of effort, and i no its frustrating when you dont get that type of effort back. I would talk to him about how you feel before you go over. You don't want too get there and still feel like this. I sometimes feel its like getting blood out of a stone asking my bf to tell me how he feels. Being so far away from your bf would be hard though, im sorry about that. If he doesn't show any enthusiasm about seeing you though then it is going to make you think hes not interested anymore. Maybe him not enjoying college is the reason he seems like he does ? You should tell him how you feel, tell him how much you care and want to be with him but he needs to talk to you more and show more interest because its making you feel rubbish. As hard as it is to bring it up. Sometimes its more trouble than its worth but i no from experience that keeping how you feel to yourself can just make its all seem worse. I hope you figure it out. xx
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