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Am i In the wrong or my gf watch

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    Will keep as short as I can.

    My gf lives about an hour and a half from me. She's at uni and I work. We don't text much as we're both busy but we've still made it work.

    On thurs eve about 7.30pm I watsapped her and she replied the next day. We often send about 5 messages each a day so it's not unusual if I didn't hear back until maybe 11pm. But since I didn't hear back at all that eve I assumed she'd fallen asleep or gone out (she barely replies when out). Not a problem but did set some alarm bells as if she'd gone to bed she'd usually look at her phone just before she sleeps.

    I then made my "last seen" on watsapp public so I could see hers. She'd turned hers off. She never turns hers off so this was also a little weird but still nothing to make me panic much. I'm quite chill and don't worry over petty things like that. However I'm not naive. It did seem a bit odd but nothing for me to lose sleep over.

    I then went to hers at the weekend. I was making convo with her housemate just asking how her week was, what she got up to, making general chit chat/friendly small talk. She said "I went out on Thurs... I mean Tuesday". The fact she was about to say Thursday (the night my gf went out) and then changed to Tuesday was a further alarm. I still wasn't completely worried but it did start to get me thinking. All these things added together seemed a bit odd. One by itself was ok but 3 strange things like this. Also after her housemate said this, there was an awk feel in the room. Her housemate and my gf almost wanted to change the convo. Well it felt like that anyway. I wasn't sure if I was getting the wrong end of the stick. But after all of that I felt I needed to question her.

    An hour later we went to bed. When 1 to 1 I tried to innocently ask her (in my head it was innocent - I don't know if it actually came across as more of an accusation). She couldn't believe I asked her and took offence and said nothing happened she was telling the truth. She was annoyed I would even think that as she never would. I do believe her but It's more me not being naive. Imo there's nothing wrong questioning something. It's better said than lingering in much head not knowing if she has something to admit. She's pissed i even questioned her though.

    What do u think?
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    (Original post by dylantombides)
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    I don’t know her personality but it seems a bit iffy to me that she was offended at you asking; if my bf asked me I’d be so apologetic for making him think that and try to make it up to him if he felt ignored!

    I don’t think you’re in the wrong for asking. However she might also not be in the wrong if she’s usually easily offended.

    Perhaps what you need to ask yourself is where the relationship is going and whether you’re comfortable with being with someone who reacts like that to a simple question.
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    Get rid of the dead weight!

    I think she’s straight up lying about some **** maybe? Her getting all like that and pissy just makes it sound like she’s desperately hiding something. When people get angry generally it’s something to hide.

    As above, need to ask yourself where the relationship is going as 1 hour half away and 5 messages a day etc...
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    Why would she lie to you about a night out? Is she not allowed to go or something? Nothing there sounds dodgy to me. Whether she should have been upset depends how you asked.
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    (Original post by IrishSmirf)
    Get rid of the dead weight!

    I think she’s straight up lying about some **** maybe? Her getting all like that and pissy just makes it sound like she’s desperately hiding something. When people get angry generally it’s something to hide.

    As above, need to ask yourself where the relationship is going as 1 hour half away and 5 messages a day etc...
    I'm not going to get rid as you put it just because of this mini argument. I still don't know if anything happened or not but i believe her and giving the benefit of the doubt.

    And in terms of messaging, she's the person I message most by far. My best mate I'll probably message about 5 times a week so 5 messages a day to her is loads to me. I'm not one of those people that send 50 messages forward and back a day. I don't really sit on my phone. I mean I'm at work 9-6 so won't really use my phone then, I then go to the gym till about 8, I then have dinner and watch a bit of TV (which is "me" time and don't really want to talk to people so I zone out). That's why I don't text much and we've got it working and she's fine with that. It's not an intense relationship which is what I like even though she is in my thoughts a lot. I couldn't deal with messaging someone 30 times a day... it would feel like more of a duty and a requirement to be on my phone a lot more to keep her happy as opposed to being natural.
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    (Original post by doodle_333)
    Why would she lie to you about a night out? Is she not allowed to go or something? Nothing there sounds dodgy to me. Whether she should have been upset depends how you asked.
    She shouldn't. I don't mind her going on nights out at all. It's up to her. But it's the fact she never told me when usually we talk about most things (what she got up to today etc), that her watsapp last seen was off, and the way her mate responded when I talked to her.

    When I asked her i definitely didn't get angry or raise my voice or anythnG, but idk maybe she saw it as me accusing her still. Which wasn't my intention
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    When you believe something is up, your brain will look for evidence to support that theory. You might misinterpret things as well.

    You couldn't have known that your girlfriend turned off her "last seen" just before that night. Since your last seen was turned off, there is no way to tell when she switched the setting off. This is of course unless it was on but then turned off.

    You would think that it's unlikely that your girlfriend and her housemate are in on the same "lie". It doesn't make sense as to why the housemate switching her day to Tuesday would raise a red flag for you. Why would it? Maybe your girlfriend didn't go out with the housemate that night?

    I do think it could well come down to how you asked her as well. If you came across as pushy or accusing then that's why she reacted like that.

    In any case though, if this is the first time that it's happened perhaps brush it off. Do monitor the situation but don't get so worked up about it right now.
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    (Original post by dylantombides)
    She shouldn't. I don't mind her going on nights out at all. It's up to her. But it's the fact she never told me when usually we talk about most things (what she got up to today etc), that her watsapp last seen was off, and the way her mate responded when I talked to her.

    When I asked her i definitely didn't get angry or raise my voice or anythnG, but idk maybe she saw it as me accusing her still. Which wasn't my intention
    If she'd usually tell you then there's really no reason to think she's lying right now. Why would she? Even if she cheated or something she could still tell you about the night out. There would be no reason at all to lie.

    Every piece of 'evidence' you have can be easily explained:

    People get mixed up between Thursday and Tuesday all the time.
    Her friend could have gone out without her anyway so there would be no reason to lie about it.
    your last read notifications were off so you have no right to complain about hers and have no idea when she switched them off

    I would personally be upset if my BF accused me of lying about going somewhere.
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    (Original post by UWS)
    When you believe something is up, your brain will look for evidence to support that theory. You might misinterpret things as well.

    You couldn't have known that your girlfriend turned off her "last seen" just before that night. Since your last seen was turned off, there is no way to tell when she switched the setting off. This is of course unless it was on but then turned off.

    You would think that it's unlikely that your girlfriend and her housemate are in on the same "lie". It doesn't make sense as to why the housemate switching her day to Tuesday would raise a red flag for you. Why would it? Maybe your girlfriend didn't go out with the housemate that night?

    I do think it could well come down to how you asked her as well. If you came across as pushy or accusing then that's why she reacted like that.

    In any case though, if this is the first time that it's happened perhaps brush it off. Do monitor the situation but don't get so worked up about it right now.
    My watsapp was on private. Hers used to be on public. I changed mine to public meaning I could see when she was last online but when I did this she had turned hers onto private so i couldn't see.

    My gf told me before who she'd gone out with and none were housemates. So when her housemate was about to say Thursday and corrected herself to Tuesday, it suggested to me that she may have been out for whatever reason something strange happened that night and they'd agreed that she would say she wasn't out that night.

    I know for certain I never intended to come across as pushy or accusing her, but that doesn't mean she thought the same.

    if I'm honest I've already brushed the argument off and it's not bothering me but it's still bothering her and I'm just curious whether other people thought I was in the wrong here.
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    Pro-tip: the gf is never wrong.
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    You got some serious detective skills my man
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    I don’t see why she’d lie about the day unless there was something to hide or she was scared of how you’d react. I think you need to have another sit down with your gf and explain what’s going on in your mind and see how she reacts. If it ain’t good, maybe it’s best you leave it at that.
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    You are (probably) both "in wrong" - although very mildly so.

    Chances are she did something during the week that her housemate knows about that they don't want you to know about. Her angry reaction is the typical one that people do when caught out in a lie.

    But you should have bitten your lip. There's no point asking her about it as she's only going to lie if she doesn't want to tell you about it.
    In your situation I'd be fully expecting my girlfriend to find a new boyfriend at Uni.
    You then have a chioce. You can either move on, or you can let her have her fling if you're confident she won't find anyone better than you and will therefore come back to you once she's satisfied her curiosity.


    I also find it mildly ironic that you say that you don't have the time to text each other a lot and yet you often send 5 messages per day to each other!
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    Telll the housemate when you're alone with him, "I know you went out with ****** on thursday" see what he says back.
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    sounds dodgy to me but obviously that's because i only know your interpretation of events. she's acting shady though and now turning it on you making it seem like you're the one acting up.
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    (Original post by dylantombides)
    Will keep as short as I can.

    My gf lives about an hour and a half from me. She's at uni and I work. We don't text much as we're both busy but we've still made it work.

    On thurs eve about 7.30pm I watsapped her and she replied the next day. We often send about 5 messages each a day so it's not unusual if I didn't hear back until maybe 11pm. But since I didn't hear back at all that eve I assumed she'd fallen asleep or gone out (she barely replies when out). Not a problem but did set some alarm bells as if she'd gone to bed she'd usually look at her phone just before she sleeps.

    I then made my "last seen" on watsapp public so I could see hers. She'd turned hers off. She never turns hers off so this was also a little weird but still nothing to make me panic much. I'm quite chill and don't worry over petty things like that. However I'm not naive. It did seem a bit odd but nothing for me to lose sleep over.

    I then went to hers at the weekend. I was making convo with her housemate just asking how her week was, what she got up to, making general chit chat/friendly small talk. She said "I went out on Thurs... I mean Tuesday". The fact she was about to say Thursday (the night my gf went out) and then changed to Tuesday was a further alarm. I still wasn't completely worried but it did start to get me thinking. All these things added together seemed a bit odd. One by itself was ok but 3 strange things like this. Also after her housemate said this, there was an awk feel in the room. Her housemate and my gf almost wanted to change the convo. Well it felt like that anyway. I wasn't sure if I was getting the wrong end of the stick. But after all of that I felt I needed to question her.

    An hour later we went to bed. When 1 to 1 I tried to innocently ask her (in my head it was innocent - I don't know if it actually came across as more of an accusation). She couldn't believe I asked her and took offence and said nothing happened she was telling the truth. She was annoyed I would even think that as she never would. I do believe her but It's more me not being naive. Imo there's nothing wrong questioning something. It's better said than lingering in much head not knowing if she has something to admit. She's pissed i even questioned her though.

    What do u think?
    Asked her what?
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    (Original post by dylantombides)
    Will keep as short as I can.

    My gf lives about an hour and a half from me. She's at uni and I work. We don't text much as we're both busy but we've still made it work.

    On thurs eve about 7.30pm I watsapped her and she replied the next day. We often send about 5 messages each a day so it's not unusual if I didn't hear back until maybe 11pm. But since I didn't hear back at all that eve I assumed she'd fallen asleep or gone out (she barely replies when out). Not a problem but did set some alarm bells as if she'd gone to bed she'd usually look at her phone just before she sleeps.

    I then made my "last seen" on watsapp public so I could see hers. She'd turned hers off. She never turns hers off so this was also a little weird but still nothing to make me panic much. I'm quite chill and don't worry over petty things like that. However I'm not naive. It did seem a bit odd but nothing for me to lose sleep over.

    I then went to hers at the weekend. I was making convo with her housemate just asking how her week was, what she got up to, making general chit chat/friendly small talk. She said "I went out on Thurs... I mean Tuesday". The fact she was about to say Thursday (the night my gf went out) and then changed to Tuesday was a further alarm. I still wasn't completely worried but it did start to get me thinking. All these things added together seemed a bit odd. One by itself was ok but 3 strange things like this. Also after her housemate said this, there was an awk feel in the room. Her housemate and my gf almost wanted to change the convo. Well it felt like that anyway. I wasn't sure if I was getting the wrong end of the stick. But after all of that I felt I needed to question her.

    An hour later we went to bed. When 1 to 1 I tried to innocently ask her (in my head it was innocent - I don't know if it actually came across as more of an accusation). She couldn't believe I asked her and took offence and said nothing happened she was telling the truth. She was annoyed I would even think that as she never would. I do believe her but It's more me not being naive. Imo there's nothing wrong questioning something. It's better said than lingering in much head not knowing if she has something to admit. She's pissed i even questioned her though.

    What do u think?

    I think that these fears and worries of yours are ultimately almost entirely the consequence of having a relationship with someone whom you hardly ever actually get to see.

    The problem is that the relationships security hangs on the thread of you messaging each other through WhatsApp, and when the messaging system goes wrong, everything else goes wrong.

    While you say you are quite a chilled out person, it seems pretty obvious that the lack of real contact in this relationship has made the perfect breeding grounds for insecurity. You may not want to be that guy, but there's also no doubting that just 1 or 2 errors in messaging triggered an avalanche of doubt in you over the very character of the person you were dating. Very little has actually happened (and yet now you are fearing the worst).

    It also seems that there are communication issues between you and your girlfriend. You don't know how to read her, you struggled to approach the issue, and when the attempt to address it failed, it was left unresolved with sour brooding feelings.

    What matters is not who was right, but how you can resolve this dispute and communication issues. She may never be able to prove to you anything (the housemates day mistake, the WhatsApp situation etc), so you need to think about what you can both do to improve this relationship and restore trust despite this (where to take things from here on in general).

    Personally I have seen almost no long distance relationships last, because too much distance always creates too many problems. Distance does not improve relationships, it strains them; it hampers people's ability to get to know and understand each other, it strains bonds and it creates perfect breeding grounds for doubt and insecurity (because important elements of the relationship are not being fulfilled as much as either of you would prefer).

    I would recommend spending more actual time with your girlfriend. Consult less with her housemates (and other irrelevant people in your relationship!) and more with actually her. Get to know her better (you don't know each other that well yet) and communicate with each more (not via messaging, but in real life). Spend some much needed time just doing normal fun couple stuff.

    (For the record) I think that it was fundamentally fine to ask her what happened with the WhatsApp message etc, however as you put it across in a manner basically accusing her of being dishonest with you (no simple accident, you instead were basically wanting to know if she had being partying with other guys in a way that warranted being covered up), she has a right to feel pretty upset about that too.
    You've both made mistakes (and hers didn't warrant that level of accusation). You could have approached this situation differently. You may say that you are not naive, but that doesn't mean that you should judge and suspect her based on others that you have known. There is also ultimately no way you can prove at this point that anything bad did or did not happen (and trying to do so could very well wreck the relationship and punish an innocent girl over nothing). Until something conclusive actually happens (and nothing has), you need to live and treat each other without suspicion.

    It doesn't mean that you ignore any potential discrepancies, but it also doesn't mean that you only ask when doubts have been breeding for a while. But because you did not sort things out earlier, that's exactly what happened (and so a simple question quickly turned into an accusation against your girlfriend).

    But either way, unless you bridge the distance in this relationship, other small mundane things are bound to happen which will likewise create big doubts (and next time it could be her doubting/accusing you). So think hard on what the realistic long-term future of this relationship actually is.
 
 
 
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