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boyfriend 'microcheating' watch

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    Recently I've found out my boyfriend has done a number of things I'm not keen on. From small things like drunk texting other girls when we're out together, to larger things like lying about meeting up with a girl (apparently so as not to freak me out?) or drunk spooning his female friends he's previously been involved with... He's not actually slept with anyone, and every time he gets caught out he gets upset and promises it's the last time etc etc

    For context, we're in our early 20s and graduating this year. Have booked lots of summer travel plans together, and were thinking about moving in together.

    How many chances am I supposed to be giving him to change? It's really hurting me to find out these things, and I feel like he doesn't respect me. He's insistent he was just drunk and immature and will change, but I'm not sure. He previously cheated on his ex gf (more than once) so maybe I was naive to think it would be different with me

    How can we move past this? We've talked about what we can do differently in our relationship to avoid this kind of thing happening again, but he says he was just panicking about the future and did that thing where people drunk-sabotage themselves.

    Any advice from people who might have been in similar situations?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Recently I've found out my boyfriend has done a number of things I'm not keen on. From small things like drunk texting other girls when we're out together, to larger things like lying about meeting up with a girl (apparently so as not to freak me out?) or drunk spooning his female friends he's previously been involved with... He's not actually slept with anyone, and every time he gets caught out he gets upset and promises it's the last time etc etc

    For context, we're in our early 20s and graduating this year. Have booked lots of summer travel plans together, and were thinking about moving in together.

    How many chances am I supposed to be giving him to change? It's really hurting me to find out these things, and I feel like he doesn't respect me. He's insistent he was just drunk and immature and will change, but I'm not sure. He previously cheated on his ex gf (more than once) so maybe I was naive to think it would be different with me

    How can we move past this? We've talked about what we can do differently in our relationship to avoid this kind of thing happening again, but he says he was just panicking about the future and did that thing where people drunk-sabotage themselves.

    Any advice from people who might have been in similar situations?
    If you're putting "micro-" in front of "cheating" then it looks like you're just trying to justify being pissed at him. If he's doing something you don't like, talk to him.
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    (Original post by Tootles)
    If you're putting "micro-" in front of "cheating" then it looks like you're just trying to justify being pissed at him. If he's doing something you don't like, talk to him.
    Whilst I understand why you might think that, that isn't the case at all. I genuinely thought we were doing really great, and then I found out he drunkenly went back with 2 girls after a night out and spooned them. I think that counts as cheating, as it's something we've explicitly talked about as breaking a boundary in our relationship before this event occurred, but I don't want to trivialise other people's experiences by suggesting it's like fully cheating as it's not like he slept with either of them

    I have spoken to him, and he's so insistent it won't happen again, but this is one of many times now and I'm not sure I can believe him any more
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    If it keeps happening, why are you with him?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Whilst I understand why you might think that, that isn't the case at all. I genuinely thought we were doing really great, and then I found out he drunkenly went back with 2 girls after a night out and spooned them. I think that counts as cheating, as it's something we've explicitly talked about as breaking a boundary in our relationship before this event occurred, but I don't want to trivialise other people's experiences by suggesting it's like fully cheating as it's not like he slept with either of them

    I have spoken to him, and he's so insistent it won't happen again, but this is one of many times now and I'm not sure I can believe him any more
    If he's cheating he's cheating. If he isn't he isn't. Behaving inappropriately isn't cheating, it's behaving inappropriately.

    He's insisted it won't happen again, but you don't believe him. This means you don't have any faith in him and therefore you should either break up with him or find some way to get over it, and stop holding it against him.
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    (Original post by Tiger Rag)
    If it keeps happening, why are you with him?
    Because when he tells me it won't happen again I believe him and we work through it
    And to be fair, he's never done the same thing twice (to my knowledge)
    It's just the lies I can't stand
    I never find out about these things because he's told me, instead it's like we're cuddling or something and a message pops up on his phone from someone like 'good to see you the other night' or something like that, despite him saying he was visiting his grandparents at that point...

    (Original post by Tootles)
    If he's cheating he's cheating. If he isn't he isn't. Behaving inappropriately isn't cheating, it's behaving inappropriately.

    He's insisted it won't happen again, but you don't believe him. This means you don't have any faith in him and therefore you should either break up with him or find some way to get over it, and stop holding it against him.

    I haven't held it against him at any point
    I've not been petty, or acted in any way to suggest I wasn't willing to move on from the previous times
    And when something new has happened, I've never brought up the previous times to try and 'win an argument' or something

    I'm trying to move on, but I don't know if I'm being naive, which is why I'm asking if anyone has had any similar experiences - I'm interested to know how they worked through it, or at what point they decided enough was enough
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Recently I've found out my boyfriend has done a number of things I'm not keen on. From small things like drunk texting other girls when we're out together, to larger things like lying about meeting up with a girl (apparently so as not to freak me out?) or drunk spooning his female friends he's previously been involved with... He's not actually slept with anyone, and every time he gets caught out he gets upset and promises it's the last time etc etc

    For context, we're in our early 20s and graduating this year. Have booked lots of summer travel plans together, and were thinking about moving in together.

    How many chances am I supposed to be giving him to change? It's really hurting me to find out these things, and I feel like he doesn't respect me. He's insistent he was just drunk and immature and will change, but I'm not sure. He previously cheated on his ex gf (more than once) so maybe I was naive to think it would be different with me

    How can we move past this? We've talked about what we can do differently in our relationship to avoid this kind of thing happening again, but he says he was just panicking about the future and did that thing where people drunk-sabotage themselves.

    Any advice from people who might have been in similar situations?
    It’s good that you’ve talked about it though and that he seems genuinely upset. We all do things we most definitely wouldn’t normally when drunk! Perhaps explain to him that you’re fine with him meeting up with other girls and that it’s actually him hiding it that makes you freak out. The most important question is do you trust him? Do you trust him not to do anything too serious? If not then I’d suggest you maybe reconsider your relationship. If you do then discuss what you can do to prevent this happening again.
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    (Original post by hms_)
    It’s good that you’ve talked about it though and that he seems genuinely upset. We all do things we most definitely wouldn’t normally when drunk! Perhaps explain to him that you’re fine with him meeting up with other girls and that it’s actually him hiding it that makes you freak out. The most important question is do you trust him? Do you trust him not to do anything too serious? If not then I’d suggest you maybe reconsider your relationship. If you do then discuss what you can do to prevent this happening again.
    Yeah I know this, and that's why I let the first couple of things go.

    When talking about it, I've been honest with him all along, it's not even necessarily doing these things which is upsetting me, it's lying about it. eg saying he's visiting grandparents but is with a girl, or saying he's at a mate's house but he's spooning 2 girls in bed...

    Relationships aren't perfect and they take work, I've always been willing to put the effort in, I know there will be low points. I'm just struggling to trust now that I know he keeps lying, and I'm not sure how to move on from that
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    Cheating is cheating, drop the prefix. Let's be honest here, it is cheating, you're just trying to downplay his behaviour.

    If he's doing something you're not happy with then tell him. He clearly is playing you like a fool if you always forgive him after he does something to upset you.

    He's got a past that involved cheating, that's a big red flag. It's an even bigger red flag if he's doing something that crosses boundaries. Talking can only go so far.

    He continuously breaks the trust, do you really see yourself staying with someone in the long-term who gives you this much insecurity?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yeah I know this, and that's why I let the first couple of things go.

    When talking about it, I've been honest with him all along, it's not even necessarily doing these things which is upsetting me, it's lying about it. eg saying he's visiting grandparents but is with a girl, or saying he's at a mate's house but he's spooning 2 girls in bed...

    Relationships aren't perfect and they take work, I've always been willing to put the effort in, I know there will be low points. I'm just struggling to trust now that I know he keeps lying, and I'm not sure how to move on from that
    You’re right relationships aren’t perfect and do take work but they also shouldn’t take this much work and he definitely should not be spooning other girls. Personally, I couldn’t stay with someone who couldn’t commit or at least be honest. From my perspective I’d say the best thing to do is to leave but as I said it’s my perspective. If you really believe you can make it work then who’s to stop you.
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    (Original post by UWS)
    He continuously breaks the trust, do you really see yourself staying with someone in the long-term who gives you this much insecurity?
    I definitely couldn't last longer term if he keeps lying. It's just stressful as I don't suspect anything at the time, like why would you think these things would be lies, but then I find out much later. And then it seems like I'm overreacting because it all happened weeks before

    (Original post by hms_)
    You’re right relationships aren’t perfect and do take work but they also shouldn’t take this much work and he definitely should not be spooning other girls. Personally, I couldn’t stay with someone who couldn’t commit or at least be honest. From my perspective I’d say the best thing to do is to leave but as I said it’s my perspective. If you really believe you can make it work then who’s to stop you.
    Thanks for giving your perspective. I'm just trying to figure out like how much is too much, and when it's best to just give up
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    shouldn't have used the term "micro cheating" imo

    first thing I thought upon seeing that title was: bunny boiler


    having read the post though, given his history and current actions, I think you are justified in being concerned...
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    The thing i don't do any of that crap the guy does and i'm still ****ing single **** this ****ing life for **** sake
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I definitely couldn't last longer term if he keeps lying. It's just stressful as I don't suspect anything at the time, like why would you think these things would be lies, but then I find out much later. And then it seems like I'm overreacting because it all happened weeks before



    Thanks for giving your perspective. I'm just trying to figure out like how much is too much, and when it's best to just give up
    It’s too much when you can no longer trust him or spend your night worrying whether he is going to end up drunk texting or spooning other girls. It’s too much when he cheats on you even if it’s not in the ‘physical’ sense even if it’s emotionally or not. And it wouldn’t be giving up, it would be breaking away.
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    (Original post by ANM775)
    shouldn't have used the term "micro cheating" imo

    first thing I thought upon seeing that title was: bunny boiler

    having read the post though, given his history and current actions, I think you are justified in being concerned...
    Thank you, I do feel like I've been very rational throughout this whole thing. I used the term because each individual thing is 'small', it's just they quickly add up when there are multiple examples, and that's what makes it difficult



    (Original post by TaintedLight)
    The thing i don't do any of that crap the guy does and i'm still ****ing single **** this ****ing life for **** sake
    lol it's just how life goes, but it's significantly better to be single than with the wrong person! Your time will come
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Whilst I understand why you might think that, that isn't the case at all. I genuinely thought we were doing really great, and then I found out he drunkenly went back with 2 girls after a night out and spooned them. I think that counts as cheating, as it's something we've explicitly talked about as breaking a boundary in our relationship before this event occurred, but I don't want to trivialise other people's experiences by suggesting it's like fully cheating as it's not like he slept with either of them

    I have spoken to him, and he's so insistent it won't happen again, but this is one of many times now and I'm not sure I can believe him any more
    You no longer trust him and it is very clear in how you write the situation. The relationship won't last much longer if he keeps doing this and he doesn't deserve the relationship anyway.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    It’s too much when you can no longer trust him or spend your night worrying whether he is going to end up drunk texting or spooning other girls. It’s too much when he cheats on you even if it’s not in the ‘physical’ sense even if it’s emotionally or not. And it wouldn’t be giving up, it would be breaking away.
    (Original post by Bio 7)
    You no longer trust him and it is very clear in how you write the situation. The relationship won't last much longer if he keeps doing this and he doesn't deserve the relationship anyway.
    Thank you for your input. You are both absolutely right tbh
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    I think it will cause a wedge over time if it hasn't already. He does need to understand that it hurts. You don't want to find yourself constantly wondering if hes done anything, thats not really a healthy relationship. I hope your ok ? xx
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    (Original post by EmilyLouiseR)
    I think it will cause a wedge over time if it hasn't already. He does need to understand that it hurts. You don't want to find yourself constantly wondering if hes done anything, thats not really a healthy relationship. I hope your ok ? xx
    Thank you :heart:
    It's got me feeling quite insecure, like why am i not enough for him/why does he not respect me enough to want only me etc
    But I'm gonna be okay yeah!
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    Don't stay with him, how much more are you going to let him get away with? Respect yourself, this is not normal behaviour. You will find someone who knows how to treat you right.
 
 
 
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