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I pushed my boyfriend away and now it is too late... watch

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    I know what you're thinking "another break-up post", but I would really appreciate anyone who is willing to read my story.

    I was with my ex-boyfriend for 2.5 years. We met at university and lived together in halls for 2 years (which put a lot of pressure on the relationship anyway). Even from the start, we were faced with stress: a few mutual friends didn't approve of us and went out of their way to try and break us up. My boyfriend and I were strong and ended up cutting contact with the people that weren't willing to give us a chance which did isolate us a lot, but we fell in love quickly so this didn’t bother us at first. Our first year and a half together was pretty incredible: we hardly argued and became the best of friends. However, I had previously been diagnosed with depression (before the relationship) and had voiced to my boyfriend that I was struggling with my emotions (struggling to find purpose in life/unhappy for no reason/crying randomly). I had also put on 2 stone from binge eating. I had recognised that I was eating to help improve my mood (high sugar/high salt food) and had made my boyfriend aware of this. At this point, I didn't think it was out of control and that I could sort it.

    However, from the beginning of 2017, my emotions were even more all over the place. In February 2017, we decided to take away the title of "boyfriend and girlfriend" because I started to believe that it was just too much to handle on top of trying to deal with my mental health. He agreed, but we continued to be just as close and it was as if that conversation hadn't even happened. Our relationship was the same, we just weren't classing ourselves as boyfriend/girlfriend.

    Throughout 2017, I had put on a further 2 stone from binge eating and I was really, really worried about my own mental health. My boyfriend had tried his absolute hardest to be supportive and to help me, but I was lashing out at him a ridiculous amount because he was the closest person to me and we were living together. I didn’t understand what was going on in my head and I was all over the place. I’m not making excuses for this, and take full responsibility. It got to a point where I was aware that he was feeling low and when I would try and talk to him about it, he denied it and told me everything was fine. After we graduated, we were both stuck in jobs where we were working silly hours (he was working nights and I was working days and we were doing this 5/6 days a week). We both hated our jobs and it was just another stress that didn't help the relationship. I eventually got myself a graduate job, working sociable hours, but he was stuck in the same job.

    It also didn’t help that once we had moved home, we were living a one hour drive away from each other, but still seeing each other all of the time. Because of this, neither of us had time to focus on ourselves and this caused more arguments. The problem was, I was always the one doing the arguing and he would just sit there and would defend our relationship, reassuring me that this would all work out. The arguments never lasted long, and we always agreed that things would eventually get easier once our lives were on track.

    I told him that I would help him get a job and he appeared to love the idea of that. He came to my house the Sunday before Christmas, and we had arranged to go to a coffee shop together so that I could help him put his CV together. However, I ended up lashing out at him again, saying things that were hurtful. It was stressing me out that I felt like he was not motivated to do anything, but when I asked him if he was struggling with anything, he would say that he was doing ok. I told him that he needed to put more effort into trying to do job applications because no one could do them for him and the job he was doing was making him feel awful. He got upset by this, told me that it was clear that I didn’t want him and he left my house. I thought he just needed time to calm down. But that was it.

    He ignored my texts and calls, and the more he ignored me, the more desperate I became (I really regret that). He promised to come and see me on the Thursday, but text me on the Thursday to say that “everything was just too fresh and that he didn’t want to say something that he didn’t mean” and then he didn’t turn up. I desperately tried to apologise to him for everything, but he had already made his decision. He text me to tell me that:
    - He needs some serious time to sort his head and his life out.
    - He almost needs to start his life again.
    - Who he is and the state his life is in at the moment makes him very unhappy.
    - We have been trying to make things work since February and in reality they have just got worse.
    - He needs to get his life on track before he can even think about anyone else.
    - Things between us have been awful to the point where I have been noticing how much happier I am when I’m at work or home.
    - I’m sorry if this hurts you but I’ve been hurting and keeping it to myself for a long time.

    The was the last time that I heard from him. A couple of weeks later, I then sent another apology message to him. He then blocked my phone number and blocked me on Facebook so that I could no longer get in contact with him. That was two months ago now.

    I know that I need to focus on myself, that I need to work on my mental health and improve my own overall happiness, and I am fully committed to that. But I just don’t want to give up on a future with him. Do you think I have pushed it too far? Do you think that he will ever forgive me for all of this? It breaks my heart to think of him with someone else in the future when I know that I can make him happy once I have sorted myself out. I would be really grateful for a little advice or some personal experiences in a similar situation. Please, no negative/judgemental comments, I am already feeling low enough. I have literally cried my eyes out whilst typing this.

    Sorry it is a long read, and thank you in advance for any help.

    I'm really sorry to hear this. I hope things get better for you in the future. I personally don't think he will come back. But my opinion is based upon what you mention and my personal experience with pushing people away.

    Mental health is a tricky one, I don't think you meant to push him away just that he was close to lash out on, unfortunately, he just couldn't take it anymore and decided to call it time.
    I doubt he will come back now that he's stopped all forms of communication with you.
    But you need to focus on sorting yourself out first, do what makes you happy. Make a plan, talk to professionals or even family and friends, all these things help.
    And maybe in the future, something could come along, it may be him or it may be someone new.
    Keep your chin up and you'll get there.
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