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    Hi! So I have written an email regarding work experience and I'm asking for some feedback on it. Is this okay? How can I improve it? Is this too much? Please let me know x

    Dear Sir/Madam,
    Hello. My name is Sophia D*** and I am a Year 10 student currently attending ***********. I would like to enquire about a potential work experience placement at ******* which I would be available to carry out for one week, from 2nd July to 7th July.
    Currently, I am working towards my GCSEs. I am especially interested in maths, specifically finance which is the reason why I am interested in undertaking work experience with you. I believe I am a dedicated hard-worker and I am keen to learn more about the finance industry, therefore, I am certain that this organisation can help me expand my knowledge, gain valuable skills and experiences that would help me in the future.
    I would be extremely grateful to be given this incredible opportunity. Please find attached my CV. If you have any questions or inquired please feel free to email me or call me at 07*******
    Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
    Yours faithfully,
    Sophia D***


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    (Original post by sophia_d.x1)
    Hi! So I have written an email regarding work experience and I'm asking for some feedback on it. Is this okay? How can I improve it? Is this too much? Please let me know x

    Dear Sir/Madam,
    Hello. My name is Sophia D*** and I am a Year 10 student currently attending ***********. I would like to enquire about a potential work experience placement at ******* which I would be available to carry out for one week, from 2nd July to 7th July.
    Currently, I am working towards my GCSEs. I am especially interested in maths, specifically finance which is the reason why I am interested in undertaking work experience with you. I believe I am a dedicated hard-worker and I am keen to learn more about the finance industry, therefore, I am certain that this organisation can help me expand my knowledge, gain valuable skills and experiences that would help me in the future.
    I would be extremely grateful to be given this incredible opportunity. Please find attached my CV. If you have any questions or inquired please feel free to email me or call me at 07*******
    Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
    Yours faithfully,
    Sophia D***


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    You don't need that first sentence, it's a business letter and the convention is to read the persons name at the bottom of the letter. Your CV will indicate you are still at school etc.

    Also, mention the organisation, otherwise your enquiry sounds too generic. You should tailor every application you make to the specific organisation you are applying to.
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    Agreed with threeportdrift, eliminate the "Hello" and ambiguity. Example:
    "...I am certain that this organisation can help..." (generic)
    "...I am certain [organisation's name] can help..." (specific)

    There are a couple run-on sentences which need to be corrected.

    Phrases such as "if you have" and "feel free" show a lack of confidence as though you're not expecting them to contact you back.

    "I" is used quite frequently compared with "We". This will hopefully be a positive experience for you both, so why not share that?

    Does this help?
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    (Original post by threeportdrift)
    You don't need that first sentence, it's a business letter and the convention is to read the persons name at the bottom of the letter. Your CV will indicate you are still at school etc.

    Also, mention the organisation, otherwise your enquiry sounds too generic. You should tailor every application you make to the specific organisation you are applying to.
    Enquiries not inquired.
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    this is very helpful! thanks!
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    (Original post by sophia_d.x1)
    Hi! So I have written an email regarding work experience and I'm asking for some feedback on it. Is this okay? How can I improve it? Is this too much? Please let me know x

    Dear Sir/Madam,
    Hello. My name is Sophia D*** and I am a Year 10 student currently attending ***********. I would like to enquire about a potential work experience placement at ******* which I would be available to carry out for one week, from 2nd July to 7th July.
    Currently, I am working towards my GCSEs. I am especially interested in maths, specifically finance which is the reason why I am interested in undertaking work experience with you. I believe I am a dedicated hard-worker and I am keen to learn more about the finance industry, therefore, I am certain that this organisation can help me expand my knowledge, gain valuable skills and experiences that would help me in the future.
    I would be extremely grateful to be given this incredible opportunity. Please find attached my CV. If you have any questions or inquired please feel free to email me or call me at 07*******
    Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
    Yours faithfully,
    Sophia D***


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    As others have said, chop the first sentence.

    I’d take the potential our of the “I would like to enquire about a work experience placement” not necessary to say “at *******” they know who they are!
    “I would like to enquire about a week long work experience placement from 2nd - 7th July” sums it up much more professionally.

    Instead of the maths interest, start with your interest in finance.
    This part you should specialise a bit more, instead of “I am certain that this organisation can help me” why that company? What makes you think that?

    Maybe take out the “I would be extremely grateful to be given this incredible opportunity” it’s a bit much.

    Remember to paragraph and not just send it as a wall of text, even though it isn’t a lot of writing. Year 10 work experience is rarely exciting or much of an insight into specifics, but it’s good to see how an office works and get a feel for the job.

    Good luck!
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    (Original post by cat_mac)
    As others have said, chop the first sentence.

    I’d take the potential our of the “I would like to enquire about a work experience placement” not necessary to say “at *******” they know who they are!
    “I would like to enquire about a week long work experience placement from 2nd - 7th July” sums it up much more professionally.

    Instead of the maths interest, start with your interest in finance.
    This part you should specialise a bit more, instead of “I am certain that this organisation can help me” why that company? What makes you think that?

    Maybe take out the “I would be extremely grateful to be given this incredible opportunity” it’s a bit much.

    Remember to paragraph and not just send it as a wall of text, even though it isn’t a lot of writing. Year 10 work experience is rarely exciting or much of an insight into specifics, but it’s good to see how an office works and get a feel for the job.

    Good luck!
    thank you so much!
 
 
 
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