I'm 19, this is my first relationship and I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. He was my best friend first and I feel we really get each other the vast majority of the time. When he smiles at me it fills me with warmth and I just really want him to be happy bc he deserves that. I love him and see him as a wonderful person. He has a bad relationship with his parents and tackles mental health issues. If he and his parents talk, they fight and he feels very insecure about himself because they've torn him down a lot.
I went to university 5 months ago and he stayed in our hometown living with his parents (sticking his head in the sand, not being proactive about education/moving out and held back due to his depression/anxiety).
All he does 5 days a week is sit in his room playing video games and smoke weed with our friends at night (who he's told me he doesn't feel are really his true friends). He's not the best at communication, but has gotten slightly better in patches since I moved away, me now often being too busy with school/socialisation to talk often. However, I make time to talk to him (when he's free all day, before his parents get home as he doesn't want to video chat around them) but when it gets to that time (lunch break etc) he often doesn't want to video chat and doesn't say much if we do/he has to talk very loudly for it to transmit which he doesn't like to do. It's hard to sustain a relationship over rare (maybe once a week) videochatting, "i love you" messages and no visits at all (as he's worried about coming here to visit me because of other guys).
He expresses a want to get into uni but isn't arranging to take the courses that will get him the grades to apply for uni (as this would involve talking to this parents), so it looks like this will be a long-distance relationship for most of the year, for years to come.
I don't want a long distance relationship for the whole time i'm at uni, nor do I want to be in 1 relationship for years on end, as I want to explore myself. I've found myself fantasising about other guys much more since i've been here and although I wouldn't be unfaithful, I enjoy the new attention to a certain degree.
I used to (I think its in the past) have a problem where I couldn't tell if people were flirting/didn't want to assume they were so didn't reject them, so this has led to a worry in him that other guys are flirting with me. He's insecure of himself (and holds me on a pedestal I think) so has become very jealous in the past couple years and he sometimes sends me piles of messages all at once, often when im on my way out (about how he thinks i'm gonna cheat, why do i hang out with so many guys/can't make girl-friends, he bets i think about other guys, he bets I'd want to get with them, etc) and its utterly exhausting and going in circles. He read my phone notes last month and read that I found other guys attractive (a certain guy tbh) and he's been obsessing over it since so that hasn't helped his trust issue.
We haven't had consistently good sex for about a year and a half. I feel bad because I'm never in the mood, for HIM. He doesn't really turn me on even when we're in the middle of sex and he's convinced me/I've felt bad/that it'll help things. When I get horny, I think about someone else (especially that certain guy but can be any other guy who gives me attention) and if I try to think of him I lose interest. I don't know if i've just gotten comfortable or maybe even see him as a friend more than lover, but I used to fit him crazy hot and nowadays I see him in a very sober form; when he flirts with me sometimes I cringe a little bit. Although there's no truth to that I want to cheat on him or don't love him, I have found myself less attracted to him especially since being away. He's gotten clingy when I'm home (which used to be MY problem) and I've learnt to like my space more- he says i've become cold and actually quite annoys me when he questions me about it (like Jerry from Rick&Morty). He says i'm the only good thing in his life and I believe him tbh. He talks about how he feels worthless and would probably kill himself if he didn't have me (he's tried to before). He's not a dramatic person and wouldn't say that to be manipulative so I would be leaving him in such a depressing state. That's why I'm trying to get him to continue his education or get a full-time job, but he's just sticking his head in the sand. Im not saying i'd break up with him once he did that, but i'd like to feel like I had a choice??
My friendship group are actually mainly his friends. I would have a couple girl friends I've lost contact with (due to my relationships) and 1 mutual friend to fall back on, so I'd mostly be in a boring as f**k village on my own, with my own issues that come with boredom, and I don't want to be painfully alone but I don't want to continue this relationship out of convenience.
I'd like to be single right now, because I can't be bothered to deal with the temptation to hide it when i'm going out with guy friends/stepping on eggshells/leaving out details, the guilt from thinking about other guys, having to be away from him when he's not doing anything to make us be together with no end in sight, i'd feel like i'm meant to be mostly single in my youth but im worried im gonna stay like this for years more and marry him (which wouldn't be the worst thing as he is lovely) then realise I never experimented with different relationships.
Would greatly appreciate advice/someone making this decision for me (as I can't imagine not being with him but i've in a sense never not been with him..)?
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- Thread Starter
- 15-02-2018 08:46
- 15-02-2018 09:55
Reality is relationships are about growth, both of you need to be progressing. As it sounds only you are moving on with your life while he’s still sitting at home all day. You need to be straightforward with him that he needs to make a change if not you’ll leave. Even if a bit of you still loves him, it’s for you own good as well as his, don’t compromise your own happiness for his.
- 15-02-2018 23:13
Well you said it yourself, you want to be single and have experiences, I think you should break things off. You can't really be with someone if they are not moving forward with their life. You are not his mother to baby him around either and force him to get up and do something with his life. That kind of you but you don't need that burden and you don't have to be with him just out of convenience. I get that you have love for him because you have been with him for so long but just because you've been with him for so long doesn't mean you need to end up with him for the rest of your life. I can tell from your post that you crave that freedom to see other people, hangout with guys and experience Uni at its fullest. Do what you think is going to benefit you in the long run. Because this is YOUR life and not his life. Don't be afraid to cut people off from your life or cut off a relationship if you feel it is holding you back. You always have to do what is best for you because only you know what you need in your life and what you want for your future. Best of luck
- 06-03-2018 04:01
Thanks, these really helped. I broke it off with him tonight. It hurts to leave him in such a sad lonely state when I love him to pieces but it wasn't a full relationship and we weren't progressing together and couldn't. I think I just wasn't able to because he's my best friend too.