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    Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost two years and I love him with all my heart. He is my first love and everything. And I know that he loves me so much too, and he always reminds me and treats me like a queen. But during the last year we have fought so much, and somehow when we end one fight the other comes along which is always about the same thing, the fact that he hasn't told his parents we are together. And I did understand in the beginning, because he comes from an Arabic muslim family and he is afraid to tell them. He is afraid of being forbid too see me, to be sent to their country by his family or simply being cut out of his family.

    We have broken up over a dosen times because of this but we always find back to each other after only a few days because we can't be without each other, and it is not because were afraid of being alone or because its a habit, its because we love each other so much, I cant even describe how much I love him and he loves me. We had a future planned, he always said that he was waiting for the right time to tell his parents, he wants to be engaded to me and everyone says that they have never seen him so in love with anyone and that he is completely devoted to me (he is 24 i am 20, we met when I was 18 and he 22, so obviously he has been in love before). Friends of him and himself alwas tell me how I bring out the best in him and how he has become a better man because of me.

    We also always fight about stupid stuff, I am extremely stubborn and I don't settle easily if there is something I dont like (people say its because im latina but who knows). It just hurts me how we always fight about something, its not always me, 50% of the time it is his fault and 50% of the time its my fault. we fight and fight, even if we are fighting he always calls me or text me that he loves me and that he is all mine forever before he goes to sleep.

    What we have is real, it is so amazing in so many ways and my friends always get involved and says break up with him for good because so much fighting and "breaking up" is not healthy. But I just would so much rather fight about stupid things and still lay in his arms at the end of the day, than not fight and not have him at all.

    I know that he will never leave me for good, and if I leave him he will always come the second I call and he will always look after me.

    I know that I cant ask him to leave his family, he loves his family and he says that im family too, and I know he is protecting me from his parents prejudices.

    I don't know what to do. If I should try to be without him or stay and we will figure it out like he says we always will.

    Any advice?
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    (Original post by n_student2017)
    Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost two years and I love him with all my heart. He is my first love and everything. And I know that he loves me so much too, and he always reminds me and treats me like a queen. But during the last year we have fought so much, and somehow when we end one fight the other comes along which is always about the same thing, the fact that he hasn't told his parents we are together. And I did understand in the beginning, because he comes from an Arabic muslim family and he is afraid to tell them. He is afraid of being forbid too see me, to be sent to their country by his family or simply being cut out of his family.

    We have broken up over a dosen times because of this but we always find back to each other after only a few days because we can't be without each other, and it is not because were afraid of being alone or because its a habit, its because we love each other so much, I cant even describe how much I love him and he loves me. We had a future planned, he always said that he was waiting for the right time to tell his parents, he wants to be engaded to me and everyone says that they have never seen him so in love with anyone and that he is completely devoted to me (he is 24 i am 20, we met when I was 18 and he 22, so obviously he has been in love before). Friends of him and himself alwas tell me how I bring out the best in him and how he has become a better man because of me.

    We also always fight about stupid stuff, I am extremely stubborn and I don't settle easily if there is something I dont like (people say its because im latina but who knows). It just hurts me how we always fight about something, its not always me, 50% of the time it is his fault and 50% of the time its my fault. we fight and fight, even if we are fighting he always calls me or text me that he loves me and that he is all mine forever before he goes to sleep.

    What we have is real, it is so amazing in so many ways and my friends always get involved and says break up with him for good because so much fighting and "breaking up" is not healthy. But I just would so much rather fight about stupid things and still lay in his arms at the end of the day, than not fight and not have him at all.

    I know that he will never leave me for good, and if I leave him he will always come the second I call and he will always look after me.

    I know that I cant ask him to leave his family, he loves his family and he says that im family too, and I know he is protecting me from his parents prejudices.

    I don't know what to do. If I should try to be without him or stay and we will figure it out like he says we always will.

    Any advice?
    If he's not going to tell his family then having a healthy relationship in the future isn't going to happen, what if you want a family at some point or even to move in together he couldn't realistically hide that for long. As an adult his parents can't harm him without him letting them so it's his choice to make the decision whether to continue to let them control his life really.
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    (Original post by claireestelle)
    If he's not going to tell his family then having a healthy relationship in the future isn't going to happen, what if you want a family at some point or even to move in together he couldn't realistically hide that for long.
    He's always waiting for "the right time". I we get engaged, then it is acceptable for his family. But I'm only 20, I feel like it is too early
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    (Original post by n_student2017)
    He's always waiting for "the right time". I we get engaged, then it is acceptable for his family. But I'm only 20, I feel like it is too early
    Will there ever be a right time for him? At some point he ll have to disagree with his parents on something. You should get engaged when you re ready and there's no pressure to do so. Getting engaged at 21 has worked out brilliantly for me but it's not for everyone I suppose.
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    So...
    You say you love each other and yet you fight so much. Some people enjoy fighting. It sounds like that doesn't apply to the 2 of you as you break up for a few days after your fights.

    Your boyfriend is 24 years old. You love him and he loves you. And yet he hasn't told his parents yet? Is he a man or a mouse?


    He is your first love. You have no other references.

    Do you think that it will be impossible for you to meet a man who has all of the good features of your current boyfriend as well as having the additional good features of not fighting with you so much and in being open and honest with his parents?
    If he's keeping big secrets from his parents, then in due course he will keep big secrets from you. It's a basic behaviour pattern. Leopards don't change their spots.


    Can you give us specific examples of the last 3 things that you fought about? If it's stuff like music to play in the car then all that's needed is an adjustment in attitude. If it's stuff like number of children you will have together then the 2 of you are basically incompatible and there's nothing that can be done to fix this.
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    (Original post by Dunnig Kruger)
    So...
    You say you love each other and yet you fight so much. Some people enjoy fighting. It sounds like that doesn't apply to the 2 of you as you break up for a few days after your fights.

    Your boyfriend is 24 years old. You love him and he loves you. And yet he hasn't told his parents yet? Is he a man or a mouse?


    He is your first love. You have no other references.

    Do you think that it will be impossible for you to meet a man who has all of the good features of your current boyfriend as well as having the additional good features of not fighting with you so much and in being open and honest with his parents?
    If he's keeping big secrets from his parents, then in due course he will keep big secrets from you. It's a basic behaviour pattern. Leopards don't change their spots.


    Can you give us specific examples of the last 3 things that you fought about? If it's stuff like music to play in the car then all that's needed is an adjustment in attitude. If it's stuff like number of children you will have together then the 2 of you are basically incompatible and there's nothing that can be done to fix this.
    The last three things we fought about were : 1. he said he was going out with his buddy and I asked who, and he kept saying his buddy but I wanted a name as stubborn as I am, then he got mad because he felt like I was interrogating him and we started to fight. 2. He couldn't sleep over (he almost never can, he lives at home) because he has to be at home, if he stays out too long his parents will give him hell. So we fought because I find it ridicoulous that he is 24 and cant sleepover at his girlfriends (we went on a road trip through Germany to Prague and were away for 4 days, he got hell from his parents when he came home). 3. We had been staying in alot lately, like we haven't gone out to do stuff like take a walk or do something, and I was fed up with it.
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    Here is how it works:

    1.Your first love is the most intense and the most painful.
    2.Most first love relationships fail.
    3.You always meet someone better, and are more experienced to make it work.
    4.Arguing in relationships happens when both parties have not learned how to communicate effectively. Try talking calmly, apologising freely,anticipating needs, explaining why and understanding each other.
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    (Original post by n_student2017)
    The last three things we fought about were : 1. he said he was going out with his buddy and I asked who, and he kept saying his buddy but I wanted a name as stubborn as I am, then he got mad because he felt like I was interrogating him and we started to fight. 2. He couldn't sleep over (he almost never can, he lives at home) because he has to be at home, if he stays out too long his parents will give him hell. So we fought because I find it ridicoulous that he is 24 and cant sleepover at his girlfriends (we went on a road trip through Germany to Prague and were away for 4 days, he got hell from his parents when he came home). 3. We had been staying in alot lately, like we haven't gone out to do stuff like take a walk or do something, and I was fed up with it.
    Thanks for sharing that.

    1. He should have just said who he was meeting. You were in the right. He was in the wrong. This is another red flag that he will keep secrets from you.
    2. He's 24! You've been seeing each other for 2 years! You are in the right on this one. He is in the wrong.
    3. You are so right in wanting to do fun, exciting, interesting things with him.You are 22, he's 24. You have no children. You should be out of your home, enjoying yourselves a lot. He is in the wrong for wanting to stay in so much.


    I see a pattern emerging here. Do you?

    Edit: and AlbinoScarecrow, would you agree with me that in these 3 examples the root cause was not ineffective communication. They were down to fundamental things where the n_Student2017 is in the right and boyfriend is in the wrong? Fundamental things like being open and honest, not getting stuck in a rut and staying in too much?
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    (Original post by Dunnig Kruger)
    Thanks for sharing that.

    1. He should have just said who he was meeting. You were in the right. He was in the wrong. This is another red flag that he will keep secrets from you.
    2. He's 24! You've been seeing each other for 2 years! You are in the right on this one. He is in the wrong.
    3. You are so right in wanting to do fun, exciting, interesting things with him.You are 22, he's 24. You have no children. You should be out of your home, enjoying yourselves a lot. He is in the wrong for wanting to stay in so much.


    I see a pattern emerging here. Do you?

    Edit: and AlbinoScarecrow, would you agree with me that in these 3 examples the root cause was not ineffective communication. They were down to fundamental things where the n_Student2017 is in the right and boyfriend is in the wrong? Fundamental things like being open and honest, not getting stuck in a rut and staying in too much?
    Thankyou so much for answering me. Not only do we fight alot and stay in because he wants to, but before we used to fight because I went out with my friends to parties etc, because I was 18-19 and I like to have fun with my girlfriends, he didn't like it and he had jealousy problems, to a point where he forced me to delete my male friends from snapchat (male friends from my childhood and school). Through alot of work, we worked it out and he changed this. This just makes me believe that we will work out our problems, but it seems that he is the main problem. I love him with all my heart but he frustrates me everyday, I have never had anxiety in my life and the last 7 months all I feel is anxiety, and I hate that feeling. But I love him. I just feel so unstable with my emotions, and I have NEVER had any problems with my mental health and I am just so confused now. I have always been the strongest one, but I have become this mentally weak frustrated emotional wreck. But everytime I think I have managed to break up with him for good and start to heal myself, he always kind of know that we will get back together
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    There is no right or wrong , just a lack of understanding of the core issues. Many things could be happening in this. For example if I took a sensible approach to exploring the root issue it may look like this:

    Her issue: I want to know who he is going out with
    Why: I don’t trust him
    Why: I have low self esteem right now
    Why: I am lonely and am finding it hard to make friends

    In a mature, honest and open relationship she would go to the core issue. If it were my partner I would relate to this more and consider setting up a group outing with some other ladies present she can be friends with. By giving her back her freedom and esteem the other symptoms will subside.

    So I agree that these issues are complex, and honesty and openess is key. However it is a skill which has to be learned and requires emotional intelligence and awareness.
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    "I just would so much rather fight about stupid things and still lay in his arms at the end of the day, than not fight and not have him at all"

    This is a crucial point. The choice is not between him and not having anyone at all.

    The choice is between him and being single for a while. The duration of which is largely up to you and could be as short as 24 hours.
    Followed by you meeting a series of men. Some of whom will work out better than others. Before at some point - impossible to say when as no one can predict the future - you will meet someone who isn't perfect, but is good enough to be worthy of your long-term love and who will love you back. Someone that won't make you anxious.
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    Hmmm, why is it so important that he tell his parents? - what difference would it make to the relationship? - how would that contribute to the success of the relationship if you know they are going to cause you both grief?

    I've seen a lot of secret relationships during my time. Personally, I couldn't lie to my parents for that long. I think if you look at it from his perspective - that nothing good will be gained by telling them - you would understand a little better. That been said, there is no right time and I feel that he might 'stalling' you, in that he will never tell them for he knows how they will react.

    The arguments you have aren't healthy, it sounds like a troubled love, like there is a lot of friction between you two.
    I think you both need to learn how to communicate to each other in a way that both people's needs are heard and understood.

    Maybe you should have a break from him, like a calming down period. There seems to be a lot of pushing/pulling dynamics going on your relationship and that makes me possibly think its very unhealthy/verge on abusive in terms of manipulation.

    Think of the break as a way for you to become stronger in yourself and improving the relationship rather than the thinking 'rather fight and stay together' ...

    How long do you want the arguments to last?

    Some of the posts above I am agreement with, about what you are arguing about, the lack of trust and openness. etc.
 
 
 
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