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Girl rejected me cos of my weight but now wants me watch

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    This is a longish story so please bear with me. Basically, a girl I was infatuated with rejected me 2 years ago when I told her I had feelings for her (we knew other 1 year or so before I told her I liked her). She told me she thought I was fat and wasn't attracted to me but she also told me she thought I was a great guy and wanted to be friends with me.

    Yes, I know. But listen to me. I am not mad at her for telling me that. On the contrary, I was sort of grateful. Both for her honesty (which I prefer to giving me a generic and vague excuse which I'd have known was a lie) and because it was clear, from her tone and her general demeanour, that she wasn't trying to hurt me or ridicule me. She genuinely liked me as a person but was honest enough to let me know how she thought of me as a potential bf. Those things are separate and tbh, I myself had a terrible self-image, I knew I looked like ****, it wasn't like I thought I was an Adonis. I wasn't surprised that she rejected me.

    Now, 2 years later, I've lost over 100 pounds. In the meantime, I had cut contact with her because I wanted some distance. She's quite popular with guys so I don't think I would've enjoyed seeing her with other men.

    We started talking again recently after I received a few likes from her on some of my pics. She asked me if I wanted to get coffee with her so we did. A few days after that, I invited her over to watch a film and we sort of fooled around but I felt uncomfortable and we stopped. She told me she liked me and wanted to take things further but I am not sure I want it anymore. Despite what I said above, I think my ego was hurt and that's why I feel uncomfortable with her. I haven't told her that yet but I might. I still don't know why I don't feel okay with it but as I said, I think it's 'cos she made me feel ...undesirable or smth.

    I don't know what to do about it. It was a good thing she told me I had to lose weight. I genuinely wasn't mad at her. But maybe I was mad at myself and still am.

    Should I take the wait and see approach (maybe I will feel comfortable after a while) or see a therapist now to talk about it with them? should I let her know I am not ready yet or man up and try again??

    Thx
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    i think this doesnt require any outside help

    IT's a situation where you do what your mind says. If u feel being with her would work out, then do so.
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    You don't want to be in a relationship with her so done be in one.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    This is a longish story so please bear with me. Basically, a girl I was infatuated with rejected me 2 years ago when I told her I had feelings for her (we knew other 1 year or so before I told her I liked her). She told me she thought I was fat and wasn't attracted to me but she also told me she thought I was a great guy and wanted to be friends with me.

    Yes, I know. But listen to me. I am not mad at her for telling me that. On the contrary, I was sort of grateful. Both for her honesty (which I prefer to giving me a generic and vague excuse which I'd have known was a lie) and because it was clear, from her tone and her general demeanour, that she wasn't trying to hurt me or ridicule me. She genuinely liked me as a person but was honest enough to let me know how she thought of me as a potential bf. Those things are separate and tbh, I myself had a terrible self-image, I knew I looked like ****, it wasn't like I thought I was an Adonis. I wasn't surprised that she rejected me.

    Now, 2 years later, I've lost over 100 pounds. In the meantime, I had cut contact with her because I wanted some distance. She's quite popular with guys so I don't think I would've enjoyed seeing her with other men.

    We started talking again recently after I received a few likes from her on some of my pics. She asked me if I wanted to get coffee with her so we did. A few days after that, I invited her over to watch a film and we sort of fooled around but I felt uncomfortable and we stopped. She told me she liked me and wanted to take things further but I am not sure I want it anymore. Despite what I said above, I think my ego was hurt and that's why I feel uncomfortable with her. I haven't told her that yet but I might. I still don't know why I don't feel okay with it but as I said, I think it's 'cos she made me feel ...undesirable or smth.

    I don't know what to do about it. It was a good thing she told me I had to lose weight. I genuinely wasn't mad at her. But maybe I was mad at myself and still am.

    Should I take the wait and see approach (maybe I will feel comfortable after a while) or see a therapist now to talk about it with them? should I let her know I am not ready yet or man up and try again??

    Thx
    Your choice in the end but i would man up and try again. You've won! You're the one making the decisions now! You say you weren't upset with what she said, but yet you are reluctant to be with her because of it. It affected you in a good way and personally i would want to be with someone that tells me it how it is, instead of lies to me so i feel better (if she hadn't had told you, maybe you'd still be fat now and even worse, you may have diabetes). But hay ho it's your choice, just don't make the wrong one and regret it afterwards. However, if you were distant from her because you felt you would be jealous seeing her with other guys, then you like her and should get with her now so only you have her, or you may regret it in the long term. Just see how it goes. Good luck!!
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    It's up to you but she sounds kinda...
    Idk if it was me i'd have too much pride cause if my personality isn't good enough, then get lost.
    It's like that saying, if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    This is a longish story so please bear with me. Basically, a girl I was infatuated with rejected me 2 years ago when I told her I had feelings for her (we knew other 1 year or so before I told her I liked her). She told me she thought I was fat and wasn't attracted to me but she also told me she thought I was a great guy and wanted to be friends with me.

    Yes, I know. But listen to me. I am not mad at her for telling me that. On the contrary, I was sort of grateful. Both for her honesty (which I prefer to giving me a generic and vague excuse which I'd have known was a lie) and because it was clear, from her tone and her general demeanour, that she wasn't trying to hurt me or ridicule me. She genuinely liked me as a person but was honest enough to let me know how she thought of me as a potential bf. Those things are separate and tbh, I myself had a terrible self-image, I knew I looked like ****, it wasn't like I thought I was an Adonis. I wasn't surprised that she rejected me.

    Now, 2 years later, I've lost over 100 pounds. In the meantime, I had cut contact with her because I wanted some distance. She's quite popular with guys so I don't think I would've enjoyed seeing her with other men.

    We started talking again recently after I received a few likes from her on some of my pics. She asked me if I wanted to get coffee with her so we did. A few days after that, I invited her over to watch a film and we sort of fooled around but I felt uncomfortable and we stopped. She told me she liked me and wanted to take things further but I am not sure I want it anymore. Despite what I said above, I think my ego was hurt and that's why I feel uncomfortable with her. I haven't told her that yet but I might. I still don't know why I don't feel okay with it but as I said, I think it's 'cos she made me feel ...undesirable or smth.

    I don't know what to do about it. It was a good thing she told me I had to lose weight. I genuinely wasn't mad at her. But maybe I was mad at myself and still am.

    Should I take the wait and see approach (maybe I will feel comfortable after a while) or see a therapist now to talk about it with them? should I let her know I am not ready yet or man up and try again??

    Thx


    If a girl rejected me for my appearance in the past but wanted to date me in the future after it had improved, i'm sorry but i'm like an elephant .. I never forget .....and would feel somewhat salty about that and it would always be in the back of my mind
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    (Original post by ANM775)
    If a girl rejected me for my appearance in the past but wanted to date me in the future after it had improved, i'm sorry but i'm like an elephant .. I never forget .....and would feel somewhat salty about that and it would always be in the back of my mind
    I do not forget either, I remember every word we exchanged that day. But she wasn't mean about it, in fact, she asked me to be her friend and maybe try some things together to help me move more/get out/not be so inactive as I was. She wasn't just rejecting me and saying we should be friends only to get rid of me. She asked me to do things together which does show she cared about me at least a little.

    I'm the one who distanced myself from her 'cos I knew I'd be jealous if I was close to her and saw her with other guys.

    Nonetheless, I'm thinking it's either too early for me to be with someone (despite losing weight, self-acceptance is difficult for fat guys - even former fat guys) or she really did make me feel unattractive/gross/"untouchable" and my libido is still affected by it...
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I do not forget either, I remember every word we exchanged that day. But she wasn't mean about it, in fact, she asked me to be her friend and maybe try some things together to help me move more/get out/not be so inactive as I was. She wasn't just rejecting me and saying we should be friends only to get rid of me. She asked me to do things together which does show she cared about me at least a little.

    I'm the one who distanced myself from her 'cos I knew I'd be jealous if I was close to her and saw her with other guys.

    Nonetheless, I'm thinking it's either too early for me to be with someone (despite losing weight, self-acceptance is difficult for fat guys - even former fat guys) or she really did make me feel unattractive/gross/"untouchable" and my libido is still affected by it...


    tbh she probably helped you, as lets face it, if you lost 100 pounds and are not anorexic you were probably well into the obese category and wouldn't have done too well with most other ladies either.

    still though, i don't know if i could get over that earlier rejection if it were me, i'd be paranoid that if i put on a little weight or something that she'd dump me ...and also a bit salty that she didn't want me back then, even if it was perfectly justified as in your case due to obesity
    • #3
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    why is everyone having a go at the girl

    men have been doing this shiz to girls for centuries, rejecting them when fat and then wanting them when slim
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    Did she actually call you fat? Bit of a **** move.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    why is everyone having a go at the girl
    men have been doing this shiz to girls for centuries, rejecting them when fat and then wanting them when slim


    when girls reject a guy because of his height [something he can't change] no one says anything

    when a guy rejects a girl for her weight [something she can change] he tends to get a lot of stick for it [especially from other women]
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    (Original post by angelike1)
    Did she actually call you fat? Bit of a **** move.


    some people prefer big-boned ...innit
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    Get your own back! As that was a *****y move!

    Invite her round, rag the living **** out of her then tell her she has a fanny like a canoe!

    You can thank me later!
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    (Original post by angelike1)
    Did she actually call you fat? Bit of a **** move.
    Yes, she did. I was though so, idk, I appreciate her honesty...

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    why is everyone having a go at the girl

    men have been doing this shiz to girls for centuries, rejecting them when fat and then wanting them when slim
    I don't personally know anyone who has done this. But I don't particularly think it's a bad thing. We want people we're attracted to. It'd be impossible to be in a relationship with someone you found physically repulsive. I accept that. But I guess it has shaken my self-esteem quite a bit even if I understand how attraction works...
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    why is everyone having a go at the girl

    men have been doing this shiz to girls for centuries, rejecting them when fat and then wanting them when slim
    would never call a girl fat - that's just low
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    (Original post by angelike1)
    would never call a girl fat - that's just low
    I'm a guy.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm a guy.
    lol i know

    the other poster said guys do it to girls all the time

    you shouldnt call anyone fat - massive confidence destroyer
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    (Original post by angelike1)
    lol i know

    the other poster said guys do it to girls all the time
    He/she meant, guys don't date fat girls, they only want them when they're slim. Not that guys call girls fat all the time in their face and then want them when they're slim.

    I assume that's what she meant.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    He/she meant, guys don't date fat girls, they only want them when they're slim. Not that guys call girls fat all the time in their face and then want them when they're slim.

    I assume that's what she meant.
    yeah thats fine -
    they were asking why the girl was getting hate though - im just hating on her for body shaming
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    so she likes you mainly for your looks...relationships based on that will not last long. You are better off being friends for a while. Clearly she puts appearance over personality. Let her like you for what you are then she'd be able to respect you more. You might be infatuated with her but don't let that blind you. You did say she was popular, so make sure you're not one of those fill-in guys for her. It'll hurt you more than it'll hurt her.
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