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How to deal with a toxic [narcisstic] parent watch

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    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Hi

    Anon because I don't want people to know who I am.
    (Sorry, this will probably be long)


    Please don't read/respond if (1) you have nothing supportive/helpful to say, (2) you are insensitive to MH issues, or (3) you're going to go Haram Police on me. There is no way I can explain the full extent of this situation on a thread - this is only to provide some context and I'd appreciate if you don't tell me what Islam says because (a) I know, (b) that's not the problem, and (c) you don't know the whole story.I guess I'm really just making this thread because I need to hear from people who've been in a similar situation as I'm in and I need to know how they coped/are coping.

    I'm a South Asian Muslim (don't attack that - that's not the issue at hand) girl. I'm currently living abroad with my mum & siblings (my dad is in the UK) I am doing A2 and have applied for university for 2018 entry. My siblings have 1 additional academic year to complete after I complete my A Levels, after which they'll move back to the UK.


    I started therapy approximately 3+ months ago for severe depression and anxiety which I assumed to be linked to different occurrences of Sexual Abuse in my childhood.
    Therapy has begun to make me see (as it does) that my relationship with my mum is unhealthy and quite toxic.I don't want to launch into detailed accounts of how it's toxic, many things are too subtle to understand their weight without a good deal of background knowledge, and I'm sure anyone who's had a similar experience will be able to pick up on what I'm trying to say, but I'll outline some things.

    --> She tends to use religion to get me to follow her rules - she'll talk in such a way that she's trying to make it seem as though that's what God wants but really it's what she wants. For instance,during a conversation between my sister and I about getting married, I say to my sister as a joke "Why, do you have someone in mind?", to which my mum launched into a rant about how "If you want to find yourselves someone to marry, then do us a favour as just send us a the wedding card" (bearing in mind that I'm Asian and this isn't how it happens in our culture - parents organise and host the wedding). She tried to make it out as though it's against Islam (which it isn't) and how dare we even suggest such a things, whereas the truth is that she fears what people will say if she accepts a partner of our choice.

    --> She places the value of our relationship on things and expectations that she knows I hate - she'll say to me that this is what I want from you, otherwise you'll be upsetting me and we won't get along even tough she knows fine well that I despise the things she's expecting from me.

    --> What poeple will think ALWAYS has priority. "Don't tell people about therapy". "I know you're struggling with depression and anxiety, but if you don't get good results after we've spent so much money on your education, what will people say? They'll think it all went to waste."

    --> Upon finding out that I'm talking to a boy I like (on multiple occasions), I've been hit, called a 'whore', threatened to get kicked out, been told they're going to marry me off, had my phone taken off me, been banned from the internet, been told "You could have at least had some respect for you dad's beard and mother's hijab", been told that the reason I actually do this is because I don't care about my parents at all.

    --> I undergo long periods of phone confiscation (we're talking months here), and my phone gets routinely and thoroughly checked (I've drifted away from/lost a lot of friends because of this). When I wasn't living with my mum (I was living with her sister), my phone was always with my aunt and she'd send screenshots of any messages I got (this caused a lot of problems as you can expect - I still have to answer questions about this time/certain people I know).

    -->Sometimes I feel like my mum's favourite pastime is putting me down. My MH has been a shambles this academic year, and she;s constantly putting me down by saying how she doesn't think I'll get into uni, how I'm not working enough, I should start considering other options for next year, I'm "zero".


    One major drawback is that at the moment, I'm completely financially dependant on my parents.My biggest problem is that, as it stands, I'm not allowed to move back to the UK for uni - she says she doesn't trust me enough to live there behind her.
    I'm terrified that I'll work to get into uni (applying was also a very difficult process for me) and she won't let me leave if I do get in. She already talks about what I can do in the year I spend here after A Levels (delaying uni by a year), but the truth is that I can't live like this for another year. I'm 20 years old and want to actually make my own decisions for once.
    I could go on, but I'm sure you get the point.




    What I'd like is to hear form anyone who experienced/experiences anything similar (especially in a desi household), how you coped, and what advice (if any) you can give me.

    If you read all of this, thank you
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi

    Anon because I don't want people to know who I am.
    (Sorry, this will probably be long)


    Please don't read/respond if (1) you have nothing supportive/helpful to say, (2) you are insensitive to MH issues, or (3) you're going to go Haram Police on me. There is no way I can explain the full extent of this situation on a thread - this is only to provide some context and I'd appreciate if you don't tell me what Islam says because (a) I know, (b) that's not the problem, and (c) you don't know the whole story.I guess I'm really just making this thread because I need to hear from people who've been in a similar situation as I'm in and I need to know how they coped/are coping.

    I'm a South Asian Muslim (don't attack that - that's not the issue at hand) girl. I'm currently living abroad with my mum & siblings (my dad is in the UK) I am doing A2 and have applied for university for 2018 entry. My siblings have 1 additional academic year to complete after I complete my A Levels, after which they'll move back to the UK.


    I started therapy approximately 3+ months ago for severe depression and anxiety which I assumed to be linked to different occurrences of Sexual Abuse in my childhood.
    Therapy has begun to make me see (as it does) that my relationship with my mum is unhealthy and quite toxic.I don't want to launch into detailed accounts of how it's toxic, many things are too subtle to understand their weight without a good deal of background knowledge, and I'm sure anyone who's had a similar experience will be able to pick up on what I'm trying to say, but I'll outline some things.

    --> She tends to use religion to get me to follow her rules - she'll talk in such a way that she's trying to make it seem as though that's what God wants but really it's what she wants. For instance,during a conversation between my sister and I about getting married, I say to my sister as a joke "Why, do you have someone in mind?", to which my mum launched into a rant about how "If you want to find yourselves someone to marry, then do us a favour as just send us a the wedding card" (bearing in mind that I'm Asian and this isn't how it happens in our culture - parents organise and host the wedding). She tried to make it out as though it's against Islam (which it isn't) and how dare we even suggest such a things, whereas the truth is that she fears what people will say if she accepts a partner of our choice.

    --> She places the value of our relationship on things and expectations that she knows I hate - she'll say to me that this is what I want from you, otherwise you'll be upsetting me and we won't get along even tough she knows fine well that I despise the things she's expecting from me.

    --> What poeple will think ALWAYS has priority. "Don't tell people about therapy". "I know you're struggling with depression and anxiety, but if you don't get good results after we've spent so much money on your education, what will people say? They'll think it all went to waste."

    --> Upon finding out that I'm talking to a boy I like (on multiple occasions), I've been hit, called a 'whore', threatened to get kicked out, been told they're going to marry me off, had my phone taken off me, been banned from the internet, been told "You could have at least had some respect for you dad's beard and mother's hijab", been told that the reason I actually do this is because I don't care about my parents at all.

    --> I undergo long periods of phone confiscation (we're talking months here), and my phone gets routinely and thoroughly checked (I've drifted away from/lost a lot of friends because of this). When I wasn't living with my mum (I was living with her sister), my phone was always with my aunt and she'd send screenshots of any messages I got (this caused a lot of problems as you can expect - I still have to answer questions about this time/certain people I know).

    -->Sometimes I feel like my mum's favourite pastime is putting me down. My MH has been a shambles this academic year, and she;s constantly putting me down by saying how she doesn't think I'll get into uni, how I'm not working enough, I should start considering other options for next year, I'm "zero".


    One major drawback is that at the moment, I'm completely financially dependant on my parents.My biggest problem is that, as it stands, I'm not allowed to move back to the UK for uni - she says she doesn't trust me enough to live there behind her.
    I'm terrified that I'll work to get into uni (applying was also a very difficult process for me) and she won't let me leave if I do get in. She already talks about what I can do in the year I spend here after A Levels (delaying uni by a year), but the truth is that I can't live like this for another year. I'm 20 years old and want to actually make my own decisions for once.
    I could go on, but I'm sure you get the point.




    What I'd like is to hear form anyone who experienced/experiences anything similar (especially in a desi household), how you coped, and what advice (if any) you can give me.

    If you read all of this, thank you
    I havent read it all.

    I have a few observations.

    1. I would try and make myself as solid as possible to reduce the impact her mental games have. You need to be calm and in control instead of letting her terrorise you.

    2. You can speak to the Muslims womens network and get as much advice as you can. they can listen and appreciate the cultural issues.
    http://www.mwnhelpline.co.uk/


    3. What about your gather cant he intervene? If she wont let you go then consider becoming an independent student nt although that would involve a break down and estrangement from the family.

    http://standalone.org.uk/students/


    I would just point out that stay away from the UK too long and you will lose your right temporarily for student funding. Part of the criteria is residence in the UK. Maybe you cna use that to let you go back as that involves £££.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by 999tigger)
    I havent read it all.

    I have a few observations.

    1. I would try and make myself as solid as possible to reduce the impact her mental games have. You need to be calm and in control instead of letting her terrorise you.

    2. You can speak to the Muslims womens network and get as much advice as you can. they can listen and appreciate the cultural issues.
    http://www.mwnhelpline.co.uk/


    3. What about your gather cant he intervene? If she wont let you go then consider becoming an independent student nt although that would involve a break down and estrangement from the family.

    http://standalone.org.uk/students/


    I would just point out that stay away from the UK too long and you will lose your right temporarily for student funding. Part of the criteria is residence in the UK. Maybe you cna use that to let you go back as that involves £££.
    Thank you so much.

    1. Therapy has made me realise this, but of course acting on it is much harder when you're in the moment

    2. Thank you for this - I'll definitely reach out to them :yep:

    3. Honestly, there is a slight chance of him understanding, but there is no way for me to make him understand without my mother becoming aware of it. As you know he's living away from us at the moment, and this is not a conversation I'd be able to have over the phone.

    I am aware of this, and technically I'll only be away from the UK for less than 2 years, but honestly there's not much I can do about being away from the UK


    Thank you, I'd rep you but that'd be giving away who I am
    • Very Important Poster
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    Very Important Poster
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you so much.

    1. Therapy has made me realise this, but of course acting on it is much harder when you're in the moment

    2. Thank you for this - I'll definitely reach out to them :yep:

    3. Honestly, there is a slight chance of him understanding, but there is no way for me to make him understand without my mother becoming aware of it. As you know he's living away from us at the moment, and this is not a conversation I'd be able to have over the phone.

    I am aware of this, and technically I'll only be away from the UK for less than 2 years, but honestly there's not much I can do about being away from the UK


    Thank you, I'd rep you but that'd be giving away who I am
    I suggest talking to the standalone people. At some stage the unis and sfe will not regard you as being a resident in the UK or your stay wherever you are as temporary. You would need to stay the right side of that or you will have too do another three uks residence before you become eligible for UK funding.

    There is nothing you can do you change your mums personality.

    You can change your strategy so it has less impact on you.

    At some stage if your culture and family become oppressive, then you have to look at whether you dare go your own way and the consequences of that. I understand it is not easy.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by 999tigger)
    I suggest talking to the standalone people. At some stage the unis and sfe will not regard you as being a resident in the UK or your stay wherever you are as temporary. You would need to stay the right side of that or you will have too do another three uks residence before you become eligible for UK funding.

    There is nothing you can do you change your mums personality.

    You can change your strategy so it has less impact on you.

    At some stage if your culture and family become oppressive, then you have to look at whether you dare go your own way and the consequences of that. I understand it is not easy.
    I'm a Scottish resident & applicant and standlone seem to only be linked to sfe?
    • Very Important Poster
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    Very Important Poster
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm a Scottish resident & applicant and standlone seem to only be linked to sfe?
    Just contact them, they may be able to advise and if not they may be able to suggest someone else. SAAS rules are similar but not identical to SFE. It is worth knowing where you stand so you can avoid making your position more difficult or losing your right.
 
 
 
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