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How is my short thriller/horror story? watch

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    I am writing this story for my English teacher about "The Gift" and im tried to make it a horror/thriller type. Would anyone mind reading it please and letting me know what they think of it it? Thank you for any feedback.

    The Gift


    Chapter 1

    A box, a notorious box, ineluctable to the unknown, ineluctable to the known. A box with silver bows and gaudy red ribbons, perfectly cuboidal in shape-not an edge out of place. Despite it’s devilishly minuscule essence, it deliberately accentuated the iridescent colours protruding from its surface. A lurid beam radiated from the box, shining down the door, the house, the lives of the innocent that it would consume within a matter of hours after its appearance. Courteous or rambunctious, it didn’t matter, arbitrary families fell victim to this supernatural ‘box’. Those unfortunate to be in the reckoning of the ungodly force were languished for the remainder of their abrupt lives. The most observant of people had perceived there to be an ever-changing number on the side of the box. Before the Jensen’s had been victimised, the number on the box read 76,023, but now it read 76,027. People were not quite sure what to make of this or how to interpret the meaning of it. However, there were some assumptions that could be made about the box in general. Delinquents couldn’t compare, God couldn’t compare; this box was special, and no-one knew; or wanted to know, where this apotheosis of a monster had derived from…

    Chapter 2

    The Silverton’s were the most incredulous people you could ever meet. A family that consisted of a trio-Randall Silverton, Emma Silverton and their precious child Juel Silverton. They weren’t religious in the slightest, in fact, it was only last week when Randall had published his article about his idea on the ‘Theory of Evolution’. There were many sceptics about this of course, but Randall didn’t seem to take much notice as he knew he was right, and completely disregarded any conflicting statements that had been expressed towards his ‘knowledge’ (or lack of as everyone else in the town thought).

    There wasn’t much splendiferous about Emma, she worked in a nursery just down the street from where they lived. Emma loved kids and always wanted some of her own one day. However, this dream eroded away from Emma after she was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome back in December of 2014. Juel was adopted but it was in Emma’s best interest to ensure that she would never find out they weren’t her biological parents.

    Juel was still in her childhood years and actually attended the same nursery that her mother, Emma, worked at. Juel loved this aspect as it meant she was always in the presence of her role model, she aspired to grow up to be like her mother, or so she thought. Juel had a stupendous amount of friends at nursery, she was always the one who people were wanting to make friends with because of her friendly and compassionate nature.


    Chapter 3

    It had gone two months now since the disappearance of the Jensen family. Such a superfluous act of the devil cried neighbours. One moment they were in their house, giving gratitude for their succulent sunday roast, when the next they were gone! Just gone. Completely vanished off the face of the earth at a moments notice. And no one knew the wiser! This was the fifth disappearing act in a little under two months. People were getting worried and began to search for clues and sharpen their awareness like the blade of a knife. Nobody knew who was next, or when that day of reckoning would come…

    Chapter 4

    It was here. It had a name. It had given itself a name. ‘The Gift’. It was inscribed on the front, back, sides, it was ubiquitous! It was almost as if it had been compromised and had given up with its discrete nature. All the talk of the town had geared towards the doorstep of house number 5 on Cessation Lane. There was nothing that could be done now. It was inevitable! The clock had started. 120 minutes remaining. 120 minutes of proclaiming goodbye. 120 minutes of an interminable stream of tears. 120 minutes of superfluous preparation. 120 minutes of torture. 120 minutes was not long enough. And neither was the life expectancy of the colonists living in Dissolution Drive.

    The oldest inhabitant was only 47 years of age and she had been living there since birth. She inherited the house from her deceased parents over 20 years ago and still to this day will never leave her house. Paranoia? Anxiety? People knew as much about her as they did about ‘The Gift’.

    Chapter 5

    Despite being in nursery, Juel was still allocated homework. It was much different to homework you would expect a teenager to be doing (like writing a story for their English class) in a secondary school. Juel’s homework was to explore the wilderness in her front garden and select one item that emerged from the landscape. In turn she would bring in her findings to show and tell everyone about it in her class.

    It was the middle of the night. Everyone in the town was sleeping; besides Juel. She had crawled out of her bed and meandered precautiously down the stairs and into the kitchen. It was just a drink. A drink of water. The last taste that she would ever have on this Earth. Tasteless! So full of potential. Such ambitious in her actions. No child her age should have to experience the tragedy she was about to endure in. She loved her biological mother, and she would never get to meet her real mother-little did she know she even had one. A flick of the tap, and a clunk at the doorstep. A turn of the head, and a luminous blend of colours scraping against the window of the door. A stroll to the door, and a knock on each side. A blast of air, and an ineluctable box. A box with silver bows and gaudy red ribbons, perfectly cuboidal in shape-not an edge out of place. It loomed.

    Juel embarked upon one knee, getting closer, closer, closer to the end of her-and her parents lives. She noticed a number. A number of what was once useless but now withheld great significance. 76,030. The faucet was still running, faster than it ever had before. The thundering sounds of water annihilating the basin had spiked the consciousness of Emma Silverton alive.

    Emma ejected from her bed, scraping the fronts of her feet against the bleak, wooden floorboards. The cracks in the wood gnawing at her feet as she descended down the stairs to hell…

    Emma urgently came to a halt. A soft, gentle tear slowly spiralled down her cheek as she witnessed Juel. The last words she heard were, “Mummy, come look at this gift I found”.

    With a streamful of tears bleeding from her eyes, Emma joined her baby perched on the doorstep; her arms constricting Emma as they lay on the doorstep-mixed emotions. The water from the tap began to sooth to a gentle tone as it sang lullabies to the victims of the Silverton’s house.

    As Emma rocked her child one last time, she closed her eyes and squeezed tighter, suffocating the life out of Juel. Tighter, tighter, tighter, until not a breath was felt upon the palm of Emma’s hand no more. Emma couldn’t let go of her baby. Slowly the blood circulation began to cut off from Emma’s arms as she drowned in a pool of tears. She closed her eyes and sank deeper, deeper, deeper into the abyss...
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    Anyone please?
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    Bump
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    Just read the first chapter. In the second sentence, "its" has no apostrophe. Jensens should also have no apostrophe. I might read the rest later but it's good so far. I would say "arbitrary" isn't really the best fitting word, and you maybe have a couple too many long words like "rambunctious".
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    amazing bruv well done
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    (Original post by alextheowl)
    Just read the first chapter, and in the second sentence, "its" has no apostrophe. Jensens should also have no apostrophe. I might read the rest later but it's good so far. I would say "arbitrary" isn't really the best fitting word, and you maybe have a couple too many long words like "rambunctious".
    Ok thank you
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    (Original post by Ilovemaths...)
    amazing bruv well done
    Thank you very much
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    This is amazing, however i think there may be too many long, overcomplicated words in the first chapter. Sometimes using basic words can convey the meaning of the sentence better that ones that look good. Also, love how there is only one moment of dialogue which really makes it enticing. But overall i think you have done an amazing job!
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    (Original post by StephSykes)
    This is amazing, however i think there may be too many long, overcomplicated words in the first chapter. Sometimes using basic words can convey the meaning of the sentence better that ones that look good. Also, love how there is only one moment of dialogue which really makes it enticing. But overall i think you have done an amazing job!
    I agree, I mean he's in year 11 (assuming from his name), and I'm in sixth form and I can tell you this is way beyond GCSE level, I'm honestly shocked
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    (Original post by Ilovemaths...)
    I agree, I mean he's in year 11 (assuming from his name), and I'm in sixth form and I can tell you this is way beyond GCSE level, I'm honestly shocked
    I agree, this is definitely at a higher level than GCSE and he/she should be proud of that!
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    (Original post by StephSykes)
    This is amazing, however i think there may be too many long, overcomplicated words in the first chapter. Sometimes using basic words can convey the meaning of the sentence better that ones that look good. Also, love how there is only one moment of dialogue which really makes it enticing. But overall i think you have done an amazing job!
    Ahhh thank you so much for this response! I admit I did get carried away in the first paragraph. I didn’t intend on making it into a full story at first (just a description) but thought I’d carry it on anyways because I liked it haha.
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    (Original post by Ilovemaths...)
    I agree, I mean he's in year 11 (assuming from his name), and I'm in sixth form and I can tell you this is way beyond GCSE level, I'm honestly shocked
    Yes I just turned 16 a couple weeks ago. And wow you really think so? Thanks man
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    (Original post by StephSykes)
    I agree, this is definitely at a higher level than GCSE and he/she should be proud of that!
    Omg thank you so much. I did not think I was capable of something like this.
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    wow i was excited to read it but i don’t understand half the words. Looks good tho
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    (Original post by Jheinexx)
    wow i was excited to read it but i don’t understand half the words. Looks good tho
    Thanks. I wanted to show off to my English teacher, I hope it works haha 🤞
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