Hey guys, I’ve never done anything like this before, but I have no one around me who will care to understand. And half of what I say may not sound relevant but is a huge part of it. I need help, so I hope someone will read and understand.
I’ve known I was gay since I was 13. At the time I wasn’t happy with it just based on everyone bullying me for ages about it before I knew I was, so I naturally felt ashamed about it when I realised they were right. I was bullied so much I hid myself away whenever I could in the music room, where I discovered classical piano. I always felt too embarrassed to tell anyone what was happening to me, and I found that playing piano allowed me to express how I feel, even if it was just to myself.
When I was 14 I fell in love for the first and only time to a guy I didn’t expect to, seeing as he was already able to express his “gayness” with huge confidence. Anyway I thought he liked me too, I was too confused and unusually happy, so after a couple of months I told him, afterwards he apologised for leading me on and said it was nothing to do with what I looked like, but he could only ever see me as a friend. We became best friends, for many years, but that was just the excuse I used to be close to him, even though I knew I could never have him. I was in love with him for 5 years, in which I had used all the dating apps to try and move on, with no success, seeing as apparently to every guy I was either fat, ugly or frigid. In this time my piano was developing at a huge rate, where I was being put under a lot of pressure to be better than everyone else, along with the added pressure of GCSE’s and A levels.
In these 5 years I was diagnosed with depression and aspergers, had a huge breakdown that nearly had me hospitalised and had me missing 6 months of school, and nearly commit suicide.
I’m 20 now, and after 7 years of piano have now been given a 20K scholarship at a Conservatoire to study classical piano, my future career is looking huge based on how short a time I’ve been playing, which I suppose I’m glad of. But i don’t feel any happier, I only ever did that well because it was the only thing that filtered my pain.
I think because I’ve been so successful on the surface in my life, no one seems to notice or even care to question about how I’m feeling or what I’m going through. I feel so lonely and ugly, I’m in so much pain, I find it a huge struggle to function, I can’t sleep. I even make myself sick because I’m so stressed and heartbroken. I’ve never had anything from anyone to show that someone has ever felt love for me. So in my mind to be gay and happy you have to be attractive, slim/buff, or want sex.
All I’ve wanted, for a long time now, is for someone to just love me and make happy, because I feel like for what ever reason, I’m being punished and I don’t know why. All I’ve ever tried to do is please other people and try to get them to like me, that goes for my piano, friends, parents and guys I talk to online.
I feel disgusting and trapped because of how I feel and how everyone expects me to be.
What brought me to writing this was bumping into my “friend” who I’m luckily not in love with anymore, with his new boyfriend, who after getting to know him I realised that except for the fact he was beautiful and slim, was exactly like me. Even our interests and weird quirky habits, which given what my friend said about me at the start of this story, was just a huge punch in the stomach.
I’m at a point know where I don’t know what to do because suicide seems to be the only stable backup solution to escaping how I feel. I want to know how to be happy because I’m unable to love myself, can anyone help?
But did you bother to watch?