I'm struggling at the moment with the feeling that I'm not able to achieve anything in life that I think might make me happy. A large reason for this is my inability to function as a 'normal' human being.
For example, office jobs make me extremely depressed, I really struggle with that environment and end up either quitting or mutually parting ways, sometimes after a few weeks, sometimes after a few years.
So I think I'll get a job that's not office based, the problem with this is that I'm overweight, unfit and generally just too lazy to do anything manual or to get fit enough to even be capable of doing manual work. This is despite the fact that I actually really enjoy exercise (particularly at the gym). How's that for logic.
Anything non-office-based and non-physical generally requires some kind of skill that can either be achieved through formal education or self-taught. I have generally failed at formal education for the same reasons as office jobs and am too lazy and inconsistent to keep up with something self-taught. This is partly down to the fact that I have to keep down an office job to pay the bills which means I'm depressed the all of the time.
I fantasize about perhaps owning property and having a very light workload so that I can actually enjoy life, who doesn't want this, but you have to work for that which I seem incapable of doing.
I'm happily engaged and have a three year old daughter that I love dearly. I find I'm not particularly sexually attracted to my partner anymore but I do love her deeply and would never do anything to hurt her. These things should make me happy yet I have the most horrific fantasies where the common theme is that I don't have a family anymore and am free to do what I want. Feeling trapped is certainly an overriding theme in my life, but I also know that if I was 'free' I would almost certainly be feeling the same, just on my own.
If you've made it this far I truly thank you for reading my somewhat narcissistic self-pitying drivel. What I would like some views on is, if I truly can see no way to be happy, what am I to do?
I know this frame of mind is a symptom of depression, however I know that when I feel good it's a symptom of mania, and I'm never stable in the middle (note: I don't fully buy into the habit of labeling personality 'defects' but I have in the past been diagnosed with cyclothymia which is a bit like bipolar but not as severe and with a quicker cycle, for me typically 3-10 days depression with 1-2 days mania).
I wont settle for anything else!