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    So I'm revising for my English language GCSE and I've written my first paragraph of my answer to Q5 and was wondering if continued at the same level what grade would this be set at, what I've done well and what to improve. Cheers
    "Write the opening of a crime or mystery story (24 marks for content and organization, 16 marks for technical accuracy "
    This is it. This is what it has come down to. Weeks of preparing. Months of locating the stranded hostage. Years of hard training. Time to wipe out these terrorists once and for all. As we approach the building, butterflies race around my stomach, struggling to withstand the winds that battle them. Suddenly, I hear a mighty crash on the rusty metal door. I soon realize that this is where it all begins. One, we scan the entrance of the building for terrorists like an eagle scouts it's prey. Two, a flashbang is launched into the building and hits a bruised wall. Three, we follow our routines, storming into the building regretfully as a barrage of bullets strike the triplet of shields on the front line and bite like a bitter winter wind. My mission has just begun, but is this where it ends?
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    (Original post by oli.briggs)
    So I'm revising for my English language GCSE and I've written my first paragraph of my answer to Q5 and was wondering if continued at the same level what grade would this be set at, what I've done well and what to improve. Cheers
    "Write the opening of a crime or mystery story (24 marks for content and organization, 16 marks for technical accuracy "
    This is it. This is what it has come down to. Weeks of preparing. Months of locating the stranded hostage. Years of hard training. Time to wipe out these terrorists once and for all. As we approach the building, butterflies race around my stomach, struggling to withstand the winds that battle them. Suddenly, I hear a mighty crash on the rusty metal door. I soon realize that this is where it all begins. One, we scan the entrance of the building for terrorists like an eagle scouts it's prey. Two, a flashbang is launched into the building and hits a bruised wall. Three, we follow our routines, storming into the building regretfully as a barrage of bullets strike the triplet of shields on the front line and bite like a bitter winter wind. My mission has just begun, but is this where it ends?
    Good style, and a high level of accuracy (but look at 'it's prey'!)

    You have chosen to write in the present tense, which is a valid option but it does restrict where you can go with this. What happens if you want to develop the story to explain what happens a week later? I've marked a lot of stories which start in the present but end in the past tense, which is a major error.

    The use of numbers is effective, as are the different sentence lengths. The simile comparing bullets to the wind is maybe less successful. Are the two really similar? One example I've seen from AQA penalised a student for describing a boy as having a neck like a giraffe. Something like 'hammer blows' would convey the impact of bullets hitting a shield.

    If I had to grade this so far I would guess at a '7', but so much depends on the overall structure. If you develop the story and bring it to an effective and clear point the grade would increase. If it just fizzles out, or seems to move randomly between characters and events the grade would drop.
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    (Original post by Lit teacher)
    Good style, and a high level of accuracy (but look at 'it's prey'!)

    You have chosen to write in the present tense, which is a valid option but it does restrict where you can go with this. What happens if you want to develop the story to explain what happens a week later? I've marked a lot of stories which start in the present but end in the past tense, which is a major error.

    The use of numbers is effective, as are the different sentence lengths. The simile comparing bullets to the wind is maybe less successful. Are the two really similar? One example I've seen from AQA penalised a student for describing a boy as having a neck like a giraffe. Something like 'hammer blows' would convey the impact of bullets hitting a shield.

    If I had to grade this so far I would guess at a '7', but so much depends on the overall structure. If you develop the story and bring it to an effective and clear point the grade would increase. If it just fizzles out, or seems to move randomly between characters and events the grade would drop.
    Thanks this really helps
 
 
 
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