Please could someone mark my English literature practice question?

I would really appreciate it if someone could mark this the English literature practice question I did on power and conflict. The question is;

Compare how poets present power and conflict in 'Exposure' and another poem from the 'Power and Conflict' cluster(30marks)

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Reply 1

Kiki._.

From what I've read (feel free to prove me wrong) I can't see much context whatsoever, apart from your comment that one of the poems is a "ballad".
If I was an examiner, I would not be able to give you more than 1-5 marks, because of your lack of context.

If I let your lack of context slide, it's probably maximum 10 marks.
The vocabulary within the essay is fairly poor.
"To make it sound harsh", "loads of bullets", "shows" and "use" are vocab you would not see in the 16-30 mark range.

Furthermore, you've made a conclusion in the middle of the essay. Conclusions are meant for the end of an essay (because when you say "In conclusion", you're concluding (ending) your essay). It adds to the "clunky" style of this piece, and would most certainly put off an examiner.

You have used subject terminology well, like "adjective", "noun" and "sibilance", which is good.
It's definitely not a terrible effort, but it can be improved drastically, especially if you want to pass your exam with a good grade.

By the way, if you think my marking is harsh, just remember that examiners will be worse.
They will not re-read the essay to look for context. They don't have the time.
They won't put in effort to read an essay with poor handwriting and poorly formed sentences. Again, they don't have the time.
Not to mention you're going against the country in the exam.
That's thousands of other students who may have added more context or had a better style, and got a better mark than you.
That's going to lower your grade further.

(edited 6 years ago)

Reply 2

daneel

Well I just had this marked this the other day and she said she would say it is worth 22/30 marks

Reply 3

adedlala

Original post by daneel

Well I just had this marked this the other day and she said she would say it is worth 22/30 marks

your teacher is a lier

Reply 4

TheRealAdam1

Original post by daneel

Well I just had this marked this the other day and she said she would say it is worth 22/30 marks

Welp, this just goes to show how messed up the marking system is.

One examiner will give you a fail, and another will give you an A*. Unlucky.

Reply 5

daneel

Also, A03 is worth only 6 marks while A02 and A03 are worth 12 marks. It is not just about the vocabulary you use, it is mainly about proving your points

Reply 6

Kiki._.

"Proving your points" is great and all, but considering you had little to no context, and that's needed for even 1-5 marks, you won't be getting 22/30 marks.

Please remember that when you do your exam, you're going against the whole country. There will be other students who do put in context, and will get a higher mark than you.
The average of the country is calculated and becomes the grade boundary for a pass. If you fall under that mark because you didn't add in context, then I'm afraid to say you're not going to be happy with your result.

It's important to not put yourself down, but also be realistic. You'd rather have harsh marking, that will be like the marking of an examiner, than kind marking.
Kind marking doesn't do anyone good, especially for students.

Reply 7

daneel

There wasn't much context relevant to what I was talking about

Reply 8

Kiki._.

There's always context you can mention. Always.
I don't mean to sound rude, and I'm sorry if I do, but that's not a good excuse.

To get a higher grade, you need to be able to mould context into whatever the question is asking you to do.

Even if you feel it wasn't relevant, you need to add it in.
Talk about the poets and their influences and upbringings.

I don't even do the Power and Conflict cluster, but looking online for 2 minutes I found this.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/education/guides/zwbxp39/revision/6

And that's me searching for 2-3 minutes.

Reply 9

daneel

I know I could have added More context but I think that you are supposed to mark A01, A02 and A03 separately. The picture you just showed of the mark scheme is just a brief guide in marking the exam.

Reply 10

Kiki._.

They all combine to make your final mark. If you have poor context, it will lower your overall mark.
Let's look over AO2, if you feel that context isn't too important, and you won't believe me that your work is not higher than level 1/2.
You haven't mentioned the effect on the reader. That is also key in getting a high mark.

As well as context, you needed to mention effect on the reader.
Your supposed 22/30 needed strong examination of that.

I don't want to waste any more time on this thread. I've given you my supported opinion, with clear links to the mark scheme.
I've tried to mark like an examiner, but I've been less harsh; in my first reply, I did say I would let the lack of context slide, and gave you 10 marks.

If you want to ignore my marking, then that's fine. Just know that I'm going off the mark scheme, and the examiner would too.
You did not mention context nor the reader, both needed in detail for your 22/30.
That's all I want to say.

(edited 6 years ago)

Reply 11

username3553182

Agreed with @Kiki._., but I'd just like to add some things.

First of all I presume you mean 'emphasise' rather than 'empathize'... :tongue:

Also, you need to compare the texts more closely. Pick an aspect that both texts have (a similarity) and then say how this is intended to create a different effect in the other poem or that this makes the tone different in the other poem, etc. I see how at the end of your first paragraph you mentioned the similar ways in which conflict is presented due to the use of weapons like cannons - this needs to be moved to the start of the paragraph. I didn't know what this paragraph was intending to do until I got to the end of it which is not what you want. Rather than making one paragraph for similarities and one for differences, try and pick a similarity and develop it into a difference- I can't tell you an example that you'll know as I don't do those poems. You'll want to do something like this: In the poems Exposure and Charge of the Light Brigade, *said structure* is used to present *something*. (analysis etc ) However, the effects that *said structure* have in each poem is largely different. (analysis etc) - and this should be all one paragraph.

You also may want to pick more examples as to achieve the top band you need (I quote) to show 'thoughtful, detailed and developed' analysis. You could say this means in depth analysis of a few points but in my exam board you need a varied range of points to gain top marks, meaning that you need to refer to more than two quotes from each poem.

You're aware that you require context to even get more than about 5 marks and I advise you to take note of this, as the examiner will not be 'nice'. They'll see the lack of context and won't care about success in other areas, and instantly give you a mark in bands 1 or 2.

I also think that your conclusion is redundant. It proves nothing and even I could write this not having seen the poems ever. Even if your conclusion was effective, you wouldn't need one anyway - all you need is a concluding statement at the end of each paragraph. This will not give you a lower mark as it's what you should do in a timed essay and it will waste less time. Cut the conclusion and focus on what you need to do to bring your marks up. Exact same goes for the introduction - you can cut that too. We already know that 'in this essay [you are] going to be exploring...', because that's what the question wants. Using phrases like 'in this essay, I...' also looks like a child's effort - at GCSE level you will not want to be using first person in an essay.

I realise my comments may have been harsh but you really will need to do all this stuff to get a high mark - it's imperative, not just optional. You should really take heed of Kiki's (dk your name sorry!) and my comments rather than being defensive as she is only trying to be helpful, and has clearly spent time giving you advice. Not following it isn't going to get you anywhere.

(edited 6 years ago)

Reply 12

Kiki._.

Thank you so so much! Yes, it did take me a while to find this stuff, not to mention I have mocks starting tomorrow.

I agree with your points too, thread starter used vocab such as "use", "show" etc.
Fairly poor if you ask me.

Kind marking doesn't help anyone, and it's a total disregard to those of us who spend precious time on finding context, vocab and analysing.
Also it, of course, gives you false hope.

Reply 13

username3553182

Original post by Kiki._.

Good luck! I had my English Literature mock last Monday :angry:

it was pretty horrible lol oh well
I think the vocabulary isn't really a problem, just the structure and lack of variety and context. You will want to use better vocab but it shouldn't really matter in this case - I don't believe it matters for Edexcel (the exam board I'm doing)
I agree with that - there's no point in nice marking as this means you'll not want to improve, become complacent, and then get to the exam, write that same essay style and walk out with a 4 wondering what you did wrong. This is counter-intuitive and, as you said, helps nobody.

Good luck for your mocks tomorrow! :biggrin:

A bit of advice: what really helped me was the structure PEEDAE (tbh I prefer PEEADE but whatevs) meaning point, evidence, explain, develop, analyse, evaluate. It's a strict structure and ideally you shouldn't be writing with acronyms any more but what I like about it is that it forces you to do all those things and this usually results in a more in depth answer.

Reply 14

daneel

Ye that is the same with my exam board aqa. Range of vocabulary costs 0 marks. I will try and add more context in and arrange my structure better by saying how they are simple Kat or different at the start of the paragraph.
Thanks for the advice

Reply 15

student322

Original post by daneel

what grade did u get in literature?

Reply 16

Kiki._.

This is an old thread that I took part in, but I’d just like to say reading it again two years later, I sounded overly harsh! It’s important to follow the mark scheme, but never be rude to yourself or beat yourself up!!
I’m more than happy to read anyone’s essay. I’m in my second year of A level English Literature c:

Reply 17

Dinda Academy

Original post by daneel

No offense but your essay sucks to be honest. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings but it just sounds very boring and not fun to read. You have a lack of context in this essay and you use words such as "shows", "loads of bullets" and "use" which can not even get you 16 marks out of 30. I'm sorry but I would give you 14/30 which is 47% maximum :frown:

Reply 18

Bc23

Could you please mark my work and tell me what I should improve. What grade would you give my work.
I chose Kamikaze as my second poem.

Compare how poets present the ways people are affected by difficult experiences in "Remains" and one other poem.

Both Remains and Kamikaze explores the reality of conflict and the long term impact this has on a person through the ways in which war strips away people's humanity, dehumanising them in order to turn them into weapons of war.

Both poems emphasise the reality of war through the soldier's challenging experiences.In the poem, Kamikaze, Garland examines the effect social pressures has on a person. When setting off on his mission the Kamikaze pilot is shown to have a "flask of water,a samurai sword…, a head full of incantations". The fact that the pilot had a "samurai sword" and a "shaven head" is used to indicate how deeply engraved samurai culture is with in the military which shows how he was expected to give up his life in order to fulfill his mission. The use of the word "incantations" suggests that the Kamikaze pilot is under a spell, which in this instance the "spell" that the pilot is under is the effects of psychological conditioning from patriotism and Japanese culture, this shows how the pilot is unable to make his own decisions. Garland uses the long listing sentence to reflect how immense social pressures were for the soldiers.Moreover, the listing sentence is presented in a matter of fact tone which shows the pilot's indifference to the assortment of cultural items. This implies that the pilot felt unwilling, and therefore was pressured, to join the military as the pilot doesn't seem to have a strong sense of patriotic duty for his country. The poet begins to expose the way in which people were coerced into joining the military and were expected to give up their identity and lives for the sake of their country. In a similar way, Remains demonstrates the effect of military expectations through the way soldiers lose their individuality. Armatige uses the image of the three soldiers to present the loss of soldiers individuality. The soldiers are never mentioned by name but are referred to as "three of a kind", this makes clear their loss of individuality and humanity as they have been stripped of the aspect of what makes them human - their names. Perhaps, Armatige could have also not given the soldiers a name to highlight how this one soldier affected by this but a collection of soldiers, especially as the poem was based on the experiences of real service men.The poet shows how war has made all soldiers to think the same way, suggesting that they become emotionless beings that suspect everyone being the enemy. Both poets expose the way in which soldiers are conditioned to serve the military with blind obedience and are treated as tools of war instead of human beings.

Both poems explore struggle through soldiers' life after conflict. Armatige portrays the way trauma affects an individual after war. In Remains the speaker states that "his blood-shadow stays on the street", after he returns home from war. The long vowel sounds in this line contrasts the short vowel sounds at the begin of the poem, which is used by the poet to reflect the way the imprint of the dead body lingers in the soldier's mind. The word "shadow" suggests that his experience at war is haunting, despite leaving Iraq and cleaning the literal blood shadow, the memory of him killing the dead looter has stayed with him. The word "shadow" could also be used to reference the darker part of the human psyche which suggests that the soldier has been completely changed by his experience. This idea is reinforced by the matter of fact tone which shows the speaker's lack of emotion and highlights how the soldier has been completely desensitised to the horrors of war. Armatige shows us how only after war, soldiers begin to consider the implications of their actions and the way soldiers are altered by PTSD they have suffered as a consequence of the conflict they fought in. This allows the reader to be aware of the impact of PTSD and allows the reader to begin to question the treatment of soldiers. Contrastingly to Remains, in which an individual is affected, in Kamikaze the poet presents the ways in which a family is affected by conflict.Garland presents this through the impact the Kamikaze pilot, by not completing his mission, had on the pilot's family as well as himself. Garland states that his family treated him as though he no longer existed". This quotation is used to highlight the theme of shame, the pilot brought shame and dishonour to him and his family as he didn't complete his mission. Garland shows us how the pilot's family has been completely destroyed by conflict as although the father is alive they can never acknowledge him. Garland has included four generations in the poem to emphasise the way this conflict will keep on affecting the family. The poet also demonstrates the impact of conflict has had on the pilot through the structure of the poem. Garland uses the third person omniscient narrator to emphasise how the pilot has been completely shunned by his family and society as the reader never gets to hear the story of the pilot through his own voice. Both poets explore the theme of shame-in Remains the soldier is seen as losing his sense of self and in Kamikaze the pilot has lost his family and place in society- to highlight that conflict has long lasting impacts on people, even through the initial conflict has passed it is still very difficult, and even impossible, for soldiers to adapt to normal life.

Both Remains and Kamikaze explore the intensity of guilt. Armatige clearly presents the soldier's guilt in the last line which states "his bloody life in my bloody hands". In this quotation, Armatige alludes to Shakespeare's character, Lady Macbeth. Lady Macbeth demonstrates guilt through the way she constantly sees blood on her hands. This image of Lady Macbeth is used to clearly convey the soldier's endless guilt as he too feels as though the possibly innocent looter's blood is constantly on his hands. The use of the possessive pronoun "my" is used to emphasise how the soldier feels completely responsible for the looter's death.This contrasts to the beginning of the poem where the collective noun "all" is used which suggests that the speaker is trying to shift the blame onto the other soldiers in order to reduce guilt and the painful memories that come with it.Armitage also uses the plosive "B" sound in "bloody", which functions almost like a physical punch to these painful memories as they pierce the conscience of the soldier and disrupt his every aspect of his life. This idea further alludes to the serious reality of soldiers suffering from PTSD and the huge impact this has on their life.This quotation coupled with the blood motif is used by the poet to demonstrate how the soldier can not remove the image of blood from his mind, and how the soldier's guilt will stain his soul forever; nothing, including substance abuse, can get rid of the metaphorical stain. Likewise, in Kamikaze, Garland clearly demonstrates the pilot's guilt in the last lines of the poem which states, "he must have wondered which had been the better way to die. ". By ending the poem with this quotation, Garland emphasises how the guilt from not carrying out his mission and dishonoring his family had an immense impact on the soldier. The use of the cesura at the end of the line could highlight the way in which the pilot feels trapped by his own guilt, as there isn't any enjambment which is sometimes used to signify freedom.The poet clearly demonstrates the way in which the pilot has been severely affected by guilt through how the pilot's guilt torments the pilot as he is left wishing that he had died as a Kamikaze instead of metaphorically dying.Both poems clearly highlight how guilt consumes a soldier as they are left to deal with conflicting emotions that haunt soldiers for the rest of their lives.

Both Armatige and Garland use structure to reflect an attempt to control conflicting emotions. In Kamikaze, Garland deliberately shifts from third person to first person in order to reflect the way the pilot's daughter tries to deal with her conflicting emotions about her father. This shift in narration from third person to first person acts as a volta and signifies a dramatic shift from external to internal, which shows how this is a personal memory for her.This suggests that the daughter is trying to empathise with her father, which allows some of the daughter's inner conflict to be eased.Where as, in Remains the soldier is less successful in controlling his conflicting emotions, this is shown by the couplet at the end of the poem.Armatige uses this irregular stanza at the end of the poem to perhaps reflect how the soldier is unable to control his PTSD, which suggests that the soldier has been permanently affected by his traumatic memories- he is unable to subdue his internal conflict and will continue to be tortured by his painful memories of war.

Overall, both poems clearly highlight guilt from war and the devastating ways in which people are affected by war.Kamikaze acts as a mouthpiece to ventriloquise and expose the reality for the Japanese soldiers through the consequences, on the individual as well as the community, behind not obliging to Japanese culture and expectations. While in Remains, Armatige warns society about the impact of war on the human psyche and the lasting effect it has on soldiers- as soon as the soldiers have finished serving their country they are discarded and left to deal with the devastating impacts on their own.