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probably the best boyfriend i'll get but im worried we're not right... watch

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    so my boyfriend and i have been dating for about 15 months. i love him so, so much. he's fantastic - we're both nerds about superheroes and films, he's often very funny and is aligned with all my social standings, and he loves all of me and calls me beautiful, even the muffin top and the thick thighs. at the beginning of the relationship, i could imagine spending my life with him.

    but recently we've been growing apart, or at least i think so. we have less sex, message less (although i'll get onto why that is in a sec), and we get annoyed at each other for stuff a lot more often. i'm starting to think we're incompatible in a lot of ways - especially his work ethic. he's doing two btecs and will complain about coursework while playing overwatch, and i'll be sat there, with 3 coursework AND exam subjects AND an epq, listening to him.

    the main thing, though, i think, is that we're starting to like less similar things. we normally bond over films, but recently, he's been telling me all about the cloverfield films, which i havent even seen. (because i dont have the time, since i actually do my work!) he's also been telling me a lot about gta (and as a feminist, not totally pleased he enjoys it anyway), as well as fortnite, which i only play with him. i dont care about it though.
    whenever i message him, "oh, what are you up to?" it's always gta or fortnite, and so the conversation ends, because we have nothing to talk about. on the opposite end, i'm making an attempt to become more cultured; i'm reading more poetry and acclaimed literature (christopher isherwood, anyone?), seeing more shakespeare, learning to draw, starting to exercise, writing more, starting projects like making my own visual novel. often, i find that his messages just distract me or are annoying when i'm doing something without him.

    and finally, the crux. i'm going to uni this year. he is not. he says he'll apply for 2019, but i have serious doubts. i know that i'll become a different person in uni, and that i'll need to do work and socialising and i often wont have time for him anymore. but i love him! i really do. he's wonderful and sweet and kind and we want to get a dog called fish. but i just. don't know if he's the best thing for me, or if i'm too independent for him. (sometimes, i'll be out with a friend, and he'll know - if i dont reply to a message in an hour, he sends, "babe?" i think he also might be too reliant on me. i'm his first proper partner.)

    any advice here would be lovely. sorry for creating a new discussion for something that's been talked about so many times, i just wanted to get out the specifics.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    so my boyfriend and i have been dating for about 15 months. i love him so, so much. he's fantastic - we're both nerds about superheroes and films, he's often very funny and is aligned with all my social standings, and he loves all of me and calls me beautiful, even the muffin top and the thick thighs. at the beginning of the relationship, i could imagine spending my life with him.

    but recently we've been growing apart, or at least i think so. we have less sex, message less (although i'll get onto why that is in a sec), and we get annoyed at each other for stuff a lot more often. i'm starting to think we're incompatible in a lot of ways - especially his work ethic. he's doing two btecs and will complain about coursework while playing overwatch, and i'll be sat there, with 3 coursework AND exam subjects AND an epq, listening to him.

    the main thing, though, i think, is that we're starting to like less similar things. we normally bond over films, but recently, he's been telling me all about the cloverfield films, which i havent even seen. (because i dont have the time, since i actually do my work!) he's also been telling me a lot about gta (and as a feminist, not totally pleased he enjoys it anyway), as well as fortnite, which i only play with him. i dont care about it though.
    whenever i message him, "oh, what are you up to?" it's always gta or fortnite, and so the conversation ends, because we have nothing to talk about. on the opposite end, i'm making an attempt to become more cultured; i'm reading more poetry and acclaimed literature (christopher isherwood, anyone?), seeing more shakespeare, learning to draw, starting to exercise, writing more, starting projects like making my own visual novel. often, i find that his messages just distract me or are annoying when i'm doing something without him.

    and finally, the crux. i'm going to uni this year. he is not. he says he'll apply for 2019, but i have serious doubts. i know that i'll become a different person in uni, and that i'll need to do work and socialising and i often wont have time for him anymore. but i love him! i really do. he's wonderful and sweet and kind and we want to get a dog called fish. but i just. don't know if he's the best thing for me, or if i'm too independent for him. (sometimes, i'll be out with a friend, and he'll know - if i dont reply to a message in an hour, he sends, "babe?" i think he also might be too reliant on me. i'm his first proper partner.)

    any advice here would be lovely. sorry for creating a new discussion for something that's been talked about so many times, i just wanted to get out the specifics.
    Nothing wrong with making a new thread about this

    If you don't have time to watch a film, you are not managing your time well enough.

    There is a clear issue here, it's up to you whether you want to give it a shot by communicating it with him or just walking away from it.
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    If you “really love him” as you claim then make it work. You think it was going to be perfect, you didn’t think there would be arguments? You didn’t think things like this could happen in real life relationships? Cos it does. Sort it out. Speak to him about what’s bugging you... thats the most obvious answer. Work it out.
    • #2
    #2

    It's normal that you've started arguing now, it happens to every relationship once the honeymoon stage is over, sometimes its 1 year later, sometimes 3 years later.. but it ALWAYS happens and everyone ends up feeling like their not compatible but its for you two to work it out, have balance, have some compromises, you don't really need to do everything he does, so you don't need to play games just because he does, you don't need to talk about his games either, you two should still have your own friends to talk about your girl stuff and him with his guy stuff. If you both expect to be able to like everything about each other then it'll never work. So don't stress, just realise you should have different people for different things, not just your boyfriend for everything. He should have his guys time separate to you, not make your 'us' time his guy time.

    But ps, he doesn't really sound that perfect if he's 18/19 still playing games all day, over revising and going to uni, clearly doesn't have his priorities straight.
    • #3
    #3

    Find some time, maybe a weekend when you have less to do and put it aside for him. Make sure he knows when, and that he isn't somehow miraculously busy. At least a couple of hours, preferably more, so you have plenty of time for each other. Maybe pick out a movie or two, get takeaway or go to a restaurant. If you put in a little bit of time and effort to get the both of you alone, doing something you both enjoy, then you'll probably be much happier. Try it once, if you enjoyed yourself, arrange another couple of hours, maybe one or two weeks later, depending on how busy you are.
    Hope this helps
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    #4

    When I was with my ex I wish I had left him a long time ago. He didnt do his work either and would just play gta and ps4. U dont want someone who doesnt have any ambition (I could be wrong but it sounds like that's an issue) because lets say you're together for years, you're the one earning the money while he would be sat playing games at home. Do you have anything else in common? I found that with my ex only films were what we had in common and we were just together for the sake of wanting to have someone. It sounds like you would be better off without him so that you can focus on your hobbies and interests without having to be distracted by his messages. That's just my opinion.
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    When it comes to long term relationships and compatibility there are 3 categories:

    1 unimportant compatibilities. Taste in music, films, TV programmes, video games, clothes etc. All the shallow things.

    2 important - relationship breaking - compatibilities: attitude to money, number of children desired, sexual compatibilty. The deeper things.

    3 inbetween compatibilities. Areas that migh be deal breaking or might be OK, depending on exact circumstances. EG Religious & politcal views, drug taking. EG smoking dope a few times a year would probably be OK to the non drug taker. Heroin addiction probably wouldn't.


    It sounds as if attitude to careers / work / money might be the big issue here. If the OP is a go getter, wants to improve herself in the long term, is ambitious in wanting to earn a reasonable income after graduating, whilst the boyfriend is unmotivated, just wants to stay at home playing video games all day every day - then that is a 100% total show stopping relationship breaker. And the OP may as well move on sooner rather than later. If on the other hand, the boyfriend has a Road to Damascus revelation about how he's wasting his life and gets his mojo back, then he might be worth sticking with.
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    Only you can decide if it's too much! Lots of teen guys are unmotivated and play too much Xbox - most of them pull their socks up between the age of 18-20 and grow up. And whatever work you have will always feel like a lot! Whether ti's 2 btecs or 4 full a levels. It's all about your perspective. It sounds like you're very different people but what is it like when you';re together? Do you have fun and laugh and feel happy? Cos arguments are normal and it's healthy to have separate hobbies.
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    thank you all for your advice!! 💕💕 (side note: i'm not a girl! it's not a matter of girl time vs boy time. i love videogames (am literally going to study games design with creative writing), it's just i'm more generally academic and open than he is, i think!)

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Find some time, maybe a weekend when you have less to do and put it aside for him. Make sure he knows when, and that he isn't somehow miraculously busy. At least a couple of hours, preferably more, so you have plenty of time for each other. Maybe pick out a movie or two, get takeaway or go to a restaurant. If you put in a little bit of time and effort to get the both of you alone, doing something you both enjoy, then you'll probably be much happier. Try it once, if you enjoyed yourself, arrange another couple of hours, maybe one or two weeks later, depending on how busy you are.
    Hope this helps
    i do spend a fair amount of time with him - we go to the same school and sit together at lunch and break, i see him after school a lot, i see him after work on the weekends. we both finish early on wednesdays so he comes to mine essentially every week - but we always do stuff like sit and watch movies or play games, and generally it's games that he likes or chooses. to be fair, we are both pretty broke all the time, but we do try to have a little dinner date at least once a month, and we go see new films in cinemas sometimes. it just always ends up being stuff he's interested in and i'm very mildy interested in. for example, i bought him a young adult novel about superheroes that i knew he would love the plot of because i'd read it, but when i asked him to bring it to mine so we could sit and read together, he ended up asking to play games anyway. i've mentioned this before, that i often sit through things he likes because it's spending time together or it gives us something to talk about, and that he doesn't do the same for me, but he basically does for a day and then forgets again. i do understand what you're saying, though, and separating more time for something new that we both like could be great for us? it's just that he's quite stuck in what he likes (ie id be willing to do a pottery class for fun but he probably wouldn't). thank you for your advice !!

    (Original post by doodle_333)
    Only you can decide if it's too much! Lots of teen guys are unmotivated and play too much Xbox - most of them pull their socks up between the age of 18-20 and grow up. And whatever work you have will always feel like a lot! Whether ti's 2 btecs or 4 full a levels. It's all about your perspective. It sounds like you're very different people but what is it like when you';re together? Do you have fun and laugh and feel happy? Cos arguments are normal and it's healthy to have separate hobbies.
    i do know this, i think it's just the long term that's made me ask. it's less a "do i have fun with him when i can spend time with him" and more a "do i see us working when i'm off at uni developing my character while he sits at home doing the same thing", even if he does get it together in a few years, because i'm not sure i want to wait that long. and i do recognise that we should have separate hobbies, it just feels like those we have aren't really enough anymore, and he also often doesn't understand that i have my own time (ie. he'll know i'm out with a friend, being busy, and he'll message me, then an hour later ask "babe?" and again the hour after, or message while i'm in a lesson). i sometimes think that he thinks i'm more similar to him than i am? so maybe i think he's a little needy 😅 thank you for your advice, though! i do understand what you're getting at. i'm just not sure i want to wait for him to catch up to me!

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    When I was with my ex I wish I had left him a long time ago. He didnt do his work either and would just play gta and ps4. U dont want someone who doesnt have any ambition (I could be wrong but it sounds like that's an issue) because lets say you're together for years, you're the one earning the money while he would be sat playing games at home. Do you have anything else in common? I found that with my ex only films were what we had in common and we were just together for the sake of wanting to have someone. It sounds like you would be better off without him so that you can focus on your hobbies and interests without having to be distracted by his messages. That's just my opinion.
    honestly, this sounds a lot like what i've been thinking. we do share a love of superheroes, films and videogames, it's just that we like different kinds of videogames, and we can't really seem to talk about anything other than these or how donald trump is stupid whenever he does something newsworthy. i love being loved, and i always have, and i think that might be what's keeping me in this. certainty vs the unknown. will i ever find someone better than him, someone who i will love more and who will love me more? no idea. and there's the risk. i think you got at the core of what's dividing us, though - ambition. i think that's spot on and i hadn't even realised it. thank you for your advice!!

    (Original post by Dunnig Kruger)
    When it comes to long term relationships and compatibility there are 3 categories:

    1 unimportant compatibilities. Taste in music, films, TV programmes, video games, clothes etc. All the shallow things.

    2 important - relationship breaking - compatibilities: attitude to money, number of children desired, sexual compatibilty. The deeper things.

    3 inbetween compatibilities. Areas that migh be deal breaking or might be OK, depending on exact circumstances. EG Religious & politcal views, drug taking. EG smoking dope a few times a year would probably be OK to the non drug taker. Heroin addiction probably wouldn't.


    It sounds as if attitude to careers / work / money might be the big issue here. If the OP is a go getter, wants to improve herself in the long term, is ambitious in wanting to earn a reasonable income after graduating, whilst the boyfriend is unmotivated, just wants to stay at home playing video games all day every day - then that is a 100% total show stopping relationship breaker. And the OP may as well move on sooner rather than later. If on the other hand, the boyfriend has a Road to Damascus revelation about how he's wasting his life and gets his mojo back, then he might be worth sticking with.
    this is fantastic advice. i've never thought about relationships in the way you've laid it out. although we have similar political beliefs, which would normally be a deal breaker for me and therefore matters a lot, our relationship is largely based out of unimportant compatibilities, like our film and videogame similarities. you, like the previous reply, are totally right as well - i think it's the ambition that's making me reconsider everything. if he was going to get a revelation, i would have hoped he'd gotten it by now! he was strictly grounded for two months straight because his coursework was late last year, and his mom threatened to make him live with his dad (on the isle of wight, and though we're in surrey and not so far away, it's still a while away), so theoretically that should have done it, but here we are. i know that going to uni is going to change me as a person, and likely into someone more academic and more ambitious, and the fact that he's already less of those than me and isn't going to uni probably doesn't bode well. thank you so much for your advice, it's really helpful!!

    i think i'm going to talk to him about all of this and see what he thinks, then make a decision depending on whether things change or not. thank you again, wonderful people, for so sincerely helping me out 💕
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    #5

    It is a difficult situation to be in tbh, so don't worry about posting your problem.

    From an outside perspective, its seems to me that if you really, really wanted to spend more time with him, you'd prioritise him and do it. However, I'm guessing he's not doing the same with you. Being able to compromise and do what you BOTH like is important if you want to grow together whilst being in a relationship, especially if its his first one.

    Do you know if he is worrying about it as well? Maybe he has the same worries as you, and talking about it could potentially be the wake-up call you both need.

    So, you can do various things:

    -consider yourself first- I am very much in favour with spending time for yourself, especially before and during your first year at uni. You don't have to do it with anyone else.
    -Think about how far you are willing to prioritise him towards what you want and Need at the moment -remember, this is your life and if he's not willing to include what you need in his then that in itself is explanatory of what kind of mindset he has.
    -Really talk to him about what he needs. You obviously care about him, and giving him a little push towards realising his (apparent) unhealthy mindset towards studying sounds like something you should do, especially as a significant other. Remember- He should care about what you say! Don't push him too much though, you cannot be overbearing.

    Hope this was helpful!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    It is a difficult situation to be in tbh, so don't worry about posting your problem.

    From an outside perspective, its seems to me that if you really, really wanted to spend more time with him, you'd prioritise him and do it. However, I'm guessing he's not doing the same with you. Being able to compromise and do what you BOTH like is important if you want to grow together whilst being in a relationship, especially if its his first one.

    Do you know if he is worrying about it as well? Maybe he has the same worries as you, and talking about it could potentially be the wake-up call you both need.

    So, you can do various things:

    -consider yourself first- I am very much in favour with spending time for yourself, especially before and during your first year at uni. You don't have to do it with anyone else.
    -Think about how far you are willing to prioritise him towards what you want and Need at the moment -remember, this is your life and if he's not willing to include what you need in his then that in itself is explanatory of what kind of mindset he has.
    -Really talk to him about what he needs. You obviously care about him, and giving him a little push towards realising his (apparent) unhealthy mindset towards studying sounds like something you should do, especially as a significant other. Remember- He should care about what you say! Don't push him too much though, you cannot be overbearing.

    Hope this was helpful!
    thank you!! as i mentioned previously, he was grounded for a while due to late coursework. during this period, i attempted to help him work, and i almost always encourage doing work over video games if i know he has work to do (though he talks to me much less about his schoolwork, possibly because i mentioned it so often. i hate to see people squander their opportunities and time and he's a smart kid, so seeing him skip homework often made me disappointed). i have tried to get him to do work, gently, and he still hasn't. i have also voiced my fear that if i go to university and he does not, then we'll be in totally different places in our lives, and he still did not do anything. i think you're totally right. when i say i'm worried about being overbearing, he says i am not, and yet he does not listen to any of my advice. what you've said about how far i am willing to prioritise him is on point - currently, he's a big part in my life, but i don't think he will be as much later, and if it's only for messages like "what are you doing?" "studying, you?" "playing video games", i'm not sure it's worth it. thank you so much for your advice, your points are very helpful!
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