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Feel like I've been out of order with friend and expected too much watch

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    It's a friend and also a FWB, I've known him for more than 2 years and we speak every day or at least every 2 days or so, and have done since the beginning.

    We used to live in the same town so saw each other a bit more, then he went to Australia for a year so I didn't see him at all.

    He moved back in July, and since then I've seen him twice; the last time just for 2 hours. He lives 200 miles away from me atm.

    Anyway, it is strange as he doesn't seem to be that keen on meeting up even though as I said we speak all the time.

    Anyway, he was always flirty online and whatnot. He managed to find a free weekend in November, but then tried to cancel 3 days before as he had a party in the evening which apparently he could't invit eme to. I ended up going to visit him just for a coffee then went elsewhere after.

    I didn't mention anything else, then at the start of January I suggested meeting up sometime, so 2 months since the previous time. He told me he worked every weekend so it was very hard for him. Then he said he'd 'get his timetable in the week' which he never did tell me about.

    I knew it was hard for him as he worked all weekend, but 1 month later in Feb there was an exhibition an hour from his city, so I asked him if he fancied meeting up for a few drinks after work, as i'd not be far, and then it was a way to catch up. He told me that he never went out after work but that we could, and he'd let me know about his working hours.

    Anyway I asked him on the Wednesday and he said 'oh my boss will call me omorrow to let me know'.. Thursday 'oh I'm waiting for the call Friday'.. and then by Friday night I sent him 1 more msg as I still had no news.

    Anyway he ended up telling me he needed to relax after a day at work and had no money so we didn't see each other.

    I didn't mention anything again about meeting up till a couple of weeks later. I mean I've said stuff in passing but I didn't try to make any other concrete plans.

    He'd mentioned that he might be going to another town where my aunt lives during the holidays.. so I asked him this week if it was still the case, and he said he didn't know.. and I said not to worry, was he working during the holidays or not.. and then I said anyway I had a couple of free days in the week at the very end of March so maybe that could suit him. I said I understood that he couldn't confirm right away but that we could see later on (so this is about 6 weeks from now)

    Anyway he got very annoyed at me, saying that I was constantly asking him about meeting up and that he didn't know when he was free and would tell me. I said that he has been telling me that for 6 months and that I understand he's busy but that I was just a bit disappointed he had zero time for me; I wasn't asking him to travel anywhere or spend money; it was me doing that.

    The thing is that during this time he's had at least 4 friends who have come to visit him, and so I don't understand why he can confirm with them but not with me.

    He also insisted to me in the past there was no way I could stay over as it was too small, and then since then has said he's put up friends in his room. Obviously I caught him out lying and he admitted it at least.

    I told him that I completely understood that he worked and was busy, and so just tried to find some other possibilites outside of his working hours. It's just that he never tells me oh we should see each other, asks when i'm free etc.

    With other friends, even if they are busy they have always managed to find some time somewhere.. plus, he's going back to Australia for anther year so I will not see him again, and was just trying to see him a bit before he goes.

    He said that I ask him every weekend which is simply not true at all; I pointed out to him that I have about 1-2 free weekends per month myself but otherwise do other things/travel. He then started saying that he's got friends he's not seen in years etc. as he's so busy, he's hardly had time to go anywhere etc and that I was really ****ing annoying and pushy.

    I hadn't seen it this way before but I felt really bad and I apologised to him; saying he was right and that I would wait for him. it's just that I've waited for almost half a year and he has never told me..

    Maybe I am too demanding; I just don't think it is a lot to ask to try to see someone a few times a year/every few months. It's just that I've friends who I now only see yearly, and it's great when we meet but they're no longer close friends and we don't really speak online much etc.; it can be hard to maintain if you never see the person.

    It's true that maybe I did come across as pushy; I was mentioning meeting every couple of weeks, but I was only asking at times whe nit might be convenient; during the holidays, after work etc..

    Anyway, I've apologised and told him I know where he was coming from; I was annoying etc.. and he's stopped replying to me. He was saying he wants to see me etc. he just can't and he will tell me when he will.

    I said if he could try to find some time before Australia then i'd really appreciate it.

    He's not replied but I feel terrible. Does it sound like I was being over-the-top? I was just trying to make an effort to fit it in around him and I'd just like to see hima bit more as we speak all the time. Was I in the wrong? Thanks
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    He insists he wants to etc... I should mention in the past he has told me it wasn'tr a good idea etc. and so this is surely why I'm a little paranoid towards him..
    • #2
    #2

    He doesn't value you as much simply put. And that's what you're not seeing. And it looks like you've gotten attached to him. Other than that you seem like you're genuinely a really nice caring friend. It's a shame he doesn't see that. Invest your efforts elsewhere.
    • #3
    #3

    Hey, its time to move on. This guy isn't worth your time or feelings. He doesn't feel the same way you do and you've been trying to also find those feelings in him, but they aren't there. So cut yourself free from this toxicity and move on from this fella.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Thanks for the replies, they've helped me.. I feel so horrid and I thought I was gonna be told that I was really pushy and annoying etc.. It's just that he literally said to me 'Oh I've got a friend coming to stay on the 10th' and I said to him 'Why can you confirm for this friend but not for me?' and he said 'Well he planned it a while ago', and I said well I've also tried to plan things a while ago but you always tell me you don't know.

    The thing is he keeps insisting he wants to see me and gets angry; saying I'm paranoid and take him for a liar, then he tells me he hasn't seen any other friends this year that he's wanted to see as he's so busy etc... so I then feel really guilty.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    he is still ignoring me.. is it worth apologising again or just forgetting it?
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    I'd move on.

    If he was a true friend, he'd make time for you. Seems odd he can make time for everyone else but you.
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    Thanks.. you are right. But then he does say that he hasn't had time to go visit his friends in other cities. But the difference is I haven't asked him to come to my city, I've just asked him to meet in the evening after he's finished his work ,in his city, or if 2 days in the week suited him , and I even said " I know you cannot confirm right away and that's fine." I don't know why he even bothers speaking to me every day, but the fact that hr's not replying now makes me think he is extremely angry at me and that I've got it all wrong..
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    From the way he is messing you about and speaking to you, I would say that he's extremely manipulative and likes to play mind games with you. Although it's hard and uncomfortable to do, you need to stop letting him take up so much of your headspace. I have had manipulative people in my life and have felt as though a weight has been lifted when I'd started resisting them and making it plain that I am no longer going to let them push me around anymore. Attempts to reason with your friend over his behaviour won't be successful as people like him don't see what they're doing wrong. It's better if you just move on and don't use too much emotional energy worrying about your behaviour, as when you take a step back and think about your motives, you'll find that you're completely normal and that he's the one out of line.
    • #1
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    Thanks for the reply! I'm genuinely shocked; I thought everyone on here was going to tell me to stop being so pushy and annoying with him and that he was right.
    Another friend has told me before he's manipulative... it's just that he gets so worked up, swearing etc. and he's said 'Oh you're so desperate to see me/stay at mine aren't you.' I felt like he was taunting me so I told him.. but he literally never apologises or tries to see things from another point of view; he's always quick to defend himself and paint me as crazy and annoying..
    • #3
    #3

    Ignore his messages, block him if you have to. Cos he seems like a c*nt who is playing mind games. Girl, if you want the upperhand in this, do not reply to him and ignore his very existence. He thinks he's so special and thinks he can treat any girl like this but you need to show him he's nothing but tumbleweed. Ignore his existence. It will make him angry but who cares? Ignore him then as well.
    • #1
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    Thanks for the reply..the thing is, he just gets genuinely really angry and worked up, and couldn't stop saying how annoying I was being. If it is mind games, I really don't know what he gets out of it. I've just never had a friend who cannot give me a definite answer when I've asked about meeting, and all my other friends manage to make time for me.
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    Do you really want to be friends with someone like this? I wouldn't. As I said, he'd make time for you if he was a true friend.
    • #1
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    #1

    True.. hope I will start to feel better and forget about him soon. thanks
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
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    Just wanted to say that during our argument he told me " You've forced me to behave like this." and "Let me breathe a bit, for ****'s sake." and just frequent swearing, as well as taunting me " You only want to come to this town to see me/You're so eager to see me/Stay at mine.". I told him that at times I found him to be aggressive and a bit harsh during these reactions, which he took very badly and said 'Go on then say I'm nasty and whatever, I don't give a ****."

    Even if I am annoying, he is very rude to me every time. The thing is he has a ton of friends, and he even admits it himself. If he's so popular ,surely it's because he is a nice guy and well-liked, and that he's only like this with me because I've driven him to it? That's genuinely what I believe
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    OP, you have done nothing wrong.

    He has been making ridiculous, feeble excuses not to see you. I smell a rat.
    It's impossible to say for sure, but chances are, he's got someone else.
    His rudeness is the typical behaviour of someone covering up their lies.
    • #1
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    Thank you for reassuring me But the thing is he flirts with me online (even last week) and sends me explicit/sexual messages.. surely he can't be doing that if he has someone??
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you for reassuring me But the thing is he flirts with me online (even last week) and sends me explicit/sexual messages.. surely he can't be doing that if he has someone??
    Oh yes he can.

    Maybe he just wants his cake and to eat it.
    Maybe he likes the thrill of having 2 women on the go and keeping them secret from each other. With the one that lives closest to him being the one he sees most often.

    Maybe he realises that sex with you was better than sex with his current main girlfriend, and he likes to remember and fantasize about sex with you?

    I can think of no other logical reason that would better explain his rudeness and reluctance to see you and all the nonsense stupid excuses about it than him having someone else now.

    Edit: for example "Anyway he ended up telling me he needed to relax after a day at work and had no money so we didn't see each other" is complete bullE36-BMW-M3 (as they'd say on a petrol headed car forum). He needs no money for you come and visit him. And you'd help him relax with what you had in mind when you come. The "Oh I'm so busy / tired from work" is the oldest trick in the book when it comes to cheating on you wife / girlfriend.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    yeah I guess maybe that's it I'm not even going to bother confronting him again because as usual he'll paint me as a crazy paranoid pain in the backside while he's done absolutely nothing wrong.
 
 
 
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