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Self-esteem basically only based on academic achievement watch

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    My counselor at my school gave me a face like when I said this lol

    So same as the title, my self-esteem is basically built on academic achievement. And it's not like I'm a thoughtless person that only studies like a robot, I listen to music, draw, dance, go out with my friends, etc. But to be honest it's just so hard to love myself when all I have been good at is studying and as my mother once yelled at me "I raised you to be good at studying you *swears horribly*". I've quitted my steady studying routines for a while now cuz 1 I'm very depressed 2 hate my school and my schoollife even though i want a future for myself. I just can't help it. My grades are dropping, and I actually feel dumber than before. I'm doing IB, and I feel like I was smarter in middle school than now. I know that bs, I've looked at my textbooks that I studied with back in Korea and omg aren't they so easy. But I just keep thinking to myself that I'm dumb afterall and that's why my grades are going down, when it's just the lack of my hardwork and concentration. I mean, it's hard to get your hands on work when you mother yells the heck out of you like you're her trashcan for all her angry and hysteric emotions. Like before, back in middle school, I used to say to people you are valuable as you are, just your existence in this world makes you beautiful. But that was only possible because my self-esteem was high as I was hitting those top grades at the time. Now, I feel like some rubbish on the street that nobody likes, and I know it's not supposed to be like this in my head, but I can't take it in with my heart. uh. Any thought on this would be appreciated.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    My counselor at my school gave me a face like when I said this lol

    So same as the title, my self-esteem is basically built on academic achievement. And it's not like I'm a thoughtless person that only studies like a robot, I listen to music, draw, dance, go out with my friends, etc. But to be honest it's just so hard to love myself when all I have been good at is studying and as my mother once yelled at me "I raised you to be good at studying you *swears horribly*". I've quitted my steady studying routines for a while now cuz 1 I'm very depressed 2 hate my school and my schoollife even though i want a future for myself. I just can't help it. My grades are dropping, and I actually feel dumber than before. I'm doing IB, and I feel like I was smarter in middle school than now. I know that bs, I've looked at my textbooks that I studied with back in Korea and omg aren't they so easy. But I just keep thinking to myself that I'm dumb afterall and that's why my grades are going down, when it's just the lack of my hardwork and concentration. I mean, it's hard to get your hands on work when you mother yells the heck out of you like you're her trashcan for all her angry and hysteric emotions. Like before, back in middle school, I used to say to people you are valuable as you are, just your existence in this world makes you beautiful. But that was only possible because my self-esteem was high as I was hitting those top grades at the time. Now, I feel like some rubbish on the street that nobody likes, and I know it's not supposed to be like this in my head, but I can't take it in with my heart. uh. Any thought on this would be appreciated.
    To distil from what you are saying; You have adopted your mother’s values as your own. She values only academic achievement so you do too. It’s normal to attach a great deal of importance to parental approval, to their expectations and demands, however unreasonable. We are born not knowing better than to love what we have as a parent, it’s what creates conflict as we grow older.

    It’s important to not attach more importance than is due to biology. You being born as You is extraordinary. The odds are incredible that out of all the millions of possible right circumstances aligning that it would result in you. You do not owe her your life - she did not choose you and you did not choose her. Family is whoever you decide it is, whoever ACTS with unconditional love and support. Maybe you haven’t actually found that yet for you?

    I’m curious to know what precipitated you to stop making the effort to study? It would seem that was the source of all of these feelings. I can only guess that it was potentially down to the pressure and weight of her expectations?

    There’s a saying, ‘The more you know who you are and what you want, the less you let things upset you’.

    It sounds like you don’t have any clear idea of who you really are, like most of us. You talk about the things you ENJOY doing as if they are trivial. Why? What is it YOU want from your life? A 9-5 job you don’t enjoy, that gives you enough money to buy a comfortable lifestyle and an average husband?

    You are the author of your own life. Do you value your own education? Would it make you proud of YOURSELF to achieve better grades, to make more effort? What about your hobbies, the things you enjoy doing, could you push as hard in those areas to be Great?

    What do you truly want in life? To be loved for who you are? To be a great person? What does that mean?

    If money was no object, what would you spend every day doing? You don’t seem the sort to laze around, you seem to need to be active, to be productive.

    Your mother is not going to be around forever, she put a roof over your head, fed you, worked to support you - and that is really great - maybe she THINKS she knows what is best for you. But you are becoming an adult now, you need to start making your own decisions, your own mistakes in the pursuit of what will make you fulfilled and happy in the long-run.

    ‘ I used to tell people they were valuable and beautiful as they are’.

    It’s easy to be magnanimous when things are going well, the true test of character is maintaining that through struggles and the darkest of times.

    What advice would you give to someone in your situation? Why are you unwilling to show yourself the same compassion and love?

    Hopefully this has inspired some thoughts, I would also suggest writing a list of all the things that make you who you are. Be honest and non-judgemental, that means including dance, music, drawing and being liked by your friends who value your company non-academically.

    Living with an abusive parent is tough. We can’t always change the circumstances around us, but we can choose how we deal with them. Wishing you well!

    ~ Alex
    Posted on the TSR App. Download from Apple or Google Play
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    (Original post by AlexPS)
    To distil from what you are saying; You have adopted your mother’s values as your own. She values only academic achievement so you do too. It’s normal to attach a great deal of importance to parental approval, to their expectations and demands, however unreasonable. We are born not knowing better than to love what we have as a parent, it’s what creates conflict as we grow older.

    It’s important to not attach more importance than is due to biology. You being born as You is extraordinary. The odds are incredible that out of all the millions of possible right circumstances aligning that it would result in you. You do not owe her your life - she did not choose you and you did not choose her. Family is whoever you decide it is, whoever ACTS with unconditional love and support. Maybe you haven’t actually found that yet for you?

    I’m curious to know what precipitated you to stop making the effort to study? It would seem that was the source of all of these feelings. I can only guess that it was potentially down to the pressure and weight of her expectations?

    There’s a saying, ‘The more you know who you are and what you want, the less you let things upset you’.

    It sounds like you don’t have any clear idea of who you really are, like most of us. You talk about the things you ENJOY doing as if they are trivial. Why? What is it YOU want from your life? A 9-5 job you don’t enjoy, that gives you enough money to buy a comfortable lifestyle and an average husband?

    You are the author of your own life. Do you value your own education? Would it make you proud of YOURSELF to achieve better grades, to make more effort? What about your hobbies, the things you enjoy doing, could you push as hard in those areas to be Great?

    What do you truly want in life? To be loved for who you are? To be a great person? What does that mean?

    If money was no object, what would you spend every day doing? You don’t seem the sort to laze around, you seem to need to be active, to be productive.

    Your mother is not going to be around forever, she put a roof over your head, fed you, worked to support you - and that is really great - maybe she THINKS she knows what is best for you. But you are becoming an adult now, you need to start making your own decisions, your own mistakes in the pursuit of what will make you fulfilled and happy in the long-run.

    ‘ I used to tell people they were valuable and beautiful as they are’.

    It’s easy to be magnanimous when things are going well, the true test of character is maintaining that through struggles and the darkest of times.

    What advice would you give to someone in your situation? Why are you unwilling to show yourself the same compassion and love?

    Hopefully this has inspired some thoughts, I would also suggest writing a list of all the things that make you who you are. Be honest and non-judgemental, that means including dance, music, drawing and being liked by your friends who value your company non-academically.

    Living with an abusive parent is tough. We can’t always change the circumstances around us, but we can choose how we deal with them. Wishing you well!

    ~ Alex
    Oh my god. Thank you for your reply. Yes, they make me think.
    Hmm as for why I stopped studying.. At the time I was in 10th grade(US system...so I guess Year 11 in the British system) and I had this massive fight with my bestie which another friend of mine caused. Basically, my bestie liked this guy that I thought was horrible as a boyfriend, so I tried to stop her by persuading her not to ask him out, and the other friend was defending her, saying I'm only stopping her from that because I like him, so I don't want her to be near him. *pure bs* Anyways, after that I've basically have been having no close friends that I can trust with my dark secrets and be comfortable around (we barely have 20 ppl in our grade, and the 10 girls in our grade talk on each other's back how grose is that), AND at the time, I broke up with my psycho boyfriend(you have the same first name so I freaked out for like two seconds after reading your reply lol) and I was quite scared that he might do something to me because he knew my house AND my mom was very VERY hysteric and disapproved of anything that I would do, yelling at me whatever small "mistake" I make. So I got addicted to the internet, sleepless nights, etc, you can see where this is going.
    I do study, it's just I can't concentrate. For example, if I want to study for 5 hours, I can only for 2.

    If you want to go back in time, I got a long history of being bullied(who'd love to hangout with a kid who can't even communicate if she wants to play with them) where I studied hard to "crush" the kids that I hated and stuided for my future, so I could again, "crush" them by getting into a good uni.

    I think one of the reasons I can't quite love myself for who I am aside from my upbringing would be the guilt I have towards my parents. Not because I feel like I couldn't fulfill their standards, but more as being a bad daughter. I can't persuade them logically about the things they disagree with me about, because they rule out any possiblity of me being right and just assert their decisions, expecting me to accept it. I've tried persuasion with words, but no they don't work. Trust me when I say I've tried for the last 6 years. For example, it took at least 10 fights(verbal, involving yelling, shouting, crying, and often physical fights because they don't care about the right to privacy - they always try to get into my room and blab out whatever they want to say) to persuade them to allow me to pursue architecture in uni, and about 5 more to let me take IB art, for the sake of my portfolio, because they couldn't understand that I HATE chemistry(which was the only other option) and they couldn't understand that I wanted to just be who I am, and that I was depressed for the past year. And many more afterwards because they can't keep their voice low and have to shout to me what they have to say with my room's door wide open when I want peace and silence. And I have said malicious things, have pushed them away from my door, have physically hit them, threatened them to kill them and myself, yelled and sweared to them, ignored them, and broke things, and I know that I shouldn't have done that, which is why I feel guilty and sorry about this, while I hate my parents simultaneously, because they are basically the ones that caused this and taught me this, although it doesn't mean I had to do it. And I really feel like I'm a a**h*** hating someone who's brought me up til this age. I should thank them, although they did mess me up mentally.
    This has ruined my dignity, and I'm shameful of who I am and what I have done, and the difference in my behavior towards my mom and that towards others.

    If I could do whatever I could do, I would go to a small Chinese village up in the mountains and have a good peaceful nap, without having to be disturbed by my crazy thoughts. And then for the rest of my life, I would first go to an art school - I actually didn't mention that I started drawing and painting, and I'm decent- in a big university, have a great uni life, learn to draw better, then go around the world making money off of drawing caricurtures or landscape paintings or singing on the street(yes I love singing) or translate for people for cheap prices, and travel like that for the rest of my life. Maybe learn architecture in my 30s, and become an architect around 40 as it would be wasteful of my talent in both math and art.

    But that's just in my dreams for now, and chances are that order will be flipped around so I'll study architecture first(I'm pretty sure my parents will not be willing to pay tuition for an art school because youd hardly get a job after your'e out of there) in a big university (because I'd love to be in classes in other majors like philosophy and psychology)and learn to draw(hopefully I have time to do so) slowly while I finish my schooling, do the internship, become an accredited architect, work as an architect, maybe open up my own firm, and sometime in the future travel around the world with the money I'd made plus the money I make during the travel.

    So I have dreams for myself because my goals for life is to do what I like(I enjoy designing things, it's hard but worth it) and be good at it, so I can return to the soceity what I got. I also want to be a benevolent person who knows how to give and love others, while in reality I'm just an anxious girl still in high school. But deep down, I wish I didn't have to do anything because I'm just so fed up with people telling me to do things.
    It's just that I'm mentally messed up and I don't want to do anything except uh..drawing or singing, so I'm probably not going anywhere before solving all this, and that I'm stuck with my parents til I graduate which is in June next year that's bugging me.
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    You mention 'dark' secrets, that's an interesting way to categorise them and something you might want to explore in therapy.

    2 hours of study is still a significant amount, although not as excessive as 5. Have you considered you may be suffering from depression? Again, something to consider mentioning to your doctor or a therapist. I'm not sure what exactly your school provides in terms of a counsellor, if they are fully accredited or not? If not you may want to look outside of school, I do feel it would benefit you but it is not the only way forward.

    If you are not paying significant rent then you do not have any right to privacy and only basic rights to food, hygiene, shelter. It is never okay to hit another person who is not directly threatening your physical well-being. From what you say, you struggle to put into words a convincing argument, or find they will not listen no matter what argument you give? Alternatives might be to write your grievances and argument down in a mature, polite manner and give the letter to them. If they still reject it or refuse to engage in polite dialogue, then there is nothing more to be gained from escalating the situation to such levels were you feel ashamed of your behaviour. That achieves nothing.

    What you can do instead is actively choose how you will live your life when you are old enough to support yourself. There are millions of teenagers worldwide with similar or worse situations. You can turn it into a 'woe is me, my life was too rough' story that weighs you down and corrupts your future, or you can choose to let it go.

    'I hate my parents simultaneously, because they are basically the ones that caused this and taught me this, although it doesn't mean I had to do it. '

    I wanted to draw your attention to this sentence as an example of some of the hypocrisy in your post. In the sentence above you are both blaming and exonerating your parents. As I said, we cannot always control what happens to us, but we can decide how we react to it. They didn't cause you to be this way. You chose this. If you never own your actions or take responsibility for YOU, then you cannot take responsibility for changing them.

    I'll give you an example, I grew up and had to raise myself around hatred and violence all around me. I chose to never be like that.

    Excuses sound best to the people that are making them. You are the reason you are the way you are, and only you can change the way you think about all this. Change your mind and it will change your life.

    Think of your life as a book. Use your age as the current chapter number, take 100 as the amount of chapters in the book. The most compelling and best stories start with adversity, with mistakes and turmoil, with plot twists and character development. You're at that stage. You are setting the scene for the best parts to come.

    I'd invest time into expressing your emotions through your creative pursuits, an outlet. Also, try to look for other social groups surrounding those activities if you can so you aren't doing them alone. We all have to do other things to support ourselves in pursuit of our goals. Look at WHAT people are telling you to do, not that people ARE telling you what to do. If you see value in it, then do it for your own benefit and not theirs.

    'I also want to be a benevolent person who knows how to give and love others, while in reality I'm just an anxious girl still in high school. '

    I'm not sure why you say 'just'. There are loads of incredibly successful people who started as 'just' anxious girls in high school. Do you know how long it takes on average of grinding hard to perfect your craft before you are noticed as successful? 10 years. Bruno Marz for example took 10 years of rejections to get signed and his first number 1.

    There's also no reason you cannot be giving and loving to those around you, or hold yourself to a higher standard personally. That will benefit you at any age.

    Remember pride is just a defender of fear. You can live in fear or live with love. One at least has the opportunity for happiness.

    'I'm stuck with my parents til I graduate which is in June next year that's bugging me' in the grand scheme of things this is no time at all. Use it to set your foundations so you are financially and mentally prepared for it.
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    (Original post by AlexPS)
    You mention 'dark' secrets, that's an interesting way to categorise them and something you might want to explore in therapy.

    2 hours of study is still a significant amount, although not as excessive as 5. Have you considered you may be suffering from depression? Again, something to consider mentioning to your doctor or a therapist. I'm not sure what exactly your school provides in terms of a counsellor, if they are fully accredited or not? If not you may want to look outside of school, I do feel it would benefit you but it is not the only way forward.

    If you are not paying significant rent then you do not have any right to privacy and only basic rights to food, hygiene, shelter. It is never okay to hit another person who is not directly threatening your physical well-being. From what you say, you struggle to put into words a convincing argument, or find they will not listen no matter what argument you give? Alternatives might be to write your grievances and argument down in a mature, polite manner and give the letter to them. If they still reject it or refuse to engage in polite dialogue, then there is nothing more to be gained from escalating the situation to such levels were you feel ashamed of your behaviour. That achieves nothing.

    What you can do instead is actively choose how you will live your life when you are old enough to support yourself. There are millions of teenagers worldwide with similar or worse situations. You can turn it into a 'woe is me, my life was too rough' story that weighs you down and corrupts your future, or you can choose to let it go.

    'I hate my parents simultaneously, because they are basically the ones that caused this and taught me this, although it doesn't mean I had to do it. '

    I wanted to draw your attention to this sentence as an example of some of the hypocrisy in your post. In the sentence above you are both blaming and exonerating your parents. As I said, we cannot always control what happens to us, but we can decide how we react to it. They didn't cause you to be this way. You chose this. If you never own your actions or take responsibility for YOU, then you cannot take responsibility for changing them.

    I'll give you an example, I grew up and had to raise myself around hatred and violence all around me. I chose to never be like that.

    Excuses sound best to the people that are making them. You are the reason you are the way you are, and only you can change the way you think about all this. Change your mind and it will change your life.

    Think of your life as a book. Use your age as the current chapter number, take 100 as the amount of chapters in the book. The most compelling and best stories start with adversity, with mistakes and turmoil, with plot twists and character development. You're at that stage. You are setting the scene for the best parts to come.

    I'd invest time into expressing your emotions through your creative pursuits, an outlet. Also, try to look for other social groups surrounding those activities if you can so you aren't doing them alone. We all have to do other things to support ourselves in pursuit of our goals. Look at WHAT people are telling you to do, not that people ARE telling you what to do. If you see value in it, then do it for your own benefit and not theirs.

    'I also want to be a benevolent person who knows how to give and love others, while in reality I'm just an anxious girl still in high school. '

    I'm not sure why you say 'just'. There are loads of incredibly successful people who started as 'just' anxious girls in high school. Do you know how long it takes on average of grinding hard to perfect your craft before you are noticed as successful? 10 years. Bruno Marz for example took 10 years of rejections to get signed and his first number 1.

    There's also no reason you cannot be giving and loving to those around you, or hold yourself to a higher standard personally. That will benefit you at any age.

    Remember pride is just a defender of fear. You can live in fear or live with love. One at least has the opportunity for happiness.

    'I'm stuck with my parents til I graduate which is in June next year that's bugging me' in the grand scheme of things this is no time at all. Use it to set your foundations so you are financially and mentally prepared for it.
    [I really do sound like a baby throwing a tantrum now that I've read over this reply, and I apologize for that. I wasn't really happy with the misconceptions you had. But bear with me, I'm not as shallow as you might have thought I was. And PS omg it's so long]

    Yeah, you kind of make me seem like an a****** in that first few paragraphs and I admit you're right about that, me not being civil. You don't have to reiterate that I was wrong, I feel guilty about it to the point where I hate myself. I thought I made that clear but apparently I hadn't.
    What I meant by how they were the ones that caused and taught me this is that it was them that started all the violence. It's probably both me and my parents in the process of fighting now that I think about it.
    And also you make me sound like I can't logically present my opinions, but I think I've written before that I've tried numerous times, and I've seen them for long enough and talked to my parents enough: they simply can't be persuaded with kind words. This is how it works: my dad usually follows my mom's decisions. My mom doesn't trust me with my decisions and rejects anything that she is ignorant about (ex. the arts). I try to persuade her with words, I talk through my logic, but she doesn't listen anyways due to confirmation bias.
    I once even wrote a longass report on why I wanted to go on a school-trip for 3 days and she literally didn't even read it.
    When I was starting IB art(start of 11th grade so Year 12), I explained to my mom that I need more support to improve my techniques with drawing and painting since I started drawing later than most students that take IB art. I told her it would be great if I could get a tutor to help me or go to an institution during winter break, maybe twice a week, so it would be 6 times, 8 times at max. She told me that she thinks art is all about creativity and so I have to do it on my own. So I also explained how technique doesn't come that easily, like I watch a lot of youtube videos and mimic them, practice a lot and sometimes it works sometimes not so much, but there's nothing better than a good teacher that helps improve you skills quickly. Also I told her in order to succeed in IB art I need to have good skills, it's part of the criterion. She argued that it costs a lot, and I told her from what I know it doesn't cost that much, and if I take it maybe once or twice a weekend it really isn't much money compared to what she's already put into my education. And then she kept rejecting my explanations, stubbornly sticking to her opinion, with a deep distrust against me and my pursuit in arts that was apparent on her facial expressions.
    You see that it's clearly not my lack of logical explanation. (My writing has a very weak structure right now but that's only due to depression which I think I've been having since 10th grade as I told you about what happened then; I can't think straight as much after I started becoming depressed. I've been wanting to see a doctor but I can't because of the circumstances of the country I'm living in right now. The counselor has a degree in counseling but I've heard she messed things up a few times because our school has a lot of Asian kids and she's lived in America for basically her whole life before coming here, so it's quite hard for her to understand the mentality. In my case, I'm Asian, I have a value system leaning towards the Asian standards, but I've been in Western-type schools long enough, while she's American, and she's still in her first few years out in Asia, so she does kind of understand. But anyways the whole violence started way back in middle school, so it's not because of my lack of logicality. and beside why would I have taken IB if I wasn't ready for the crazy writing assignments and the crazy math in Math HL)
    So that's why I take the other way, coercion. It's not like I went straight through with violence at first, as you can see. Yes I sound evil or I sound like a baby throwing a tantrum by the word coercion, but this is basically the only thing I can do if I want to do what I want to do. I'd rather do things like this to participate in things I really want to do and open up more opportunities for me than to give up my life to mundane meaningless choices that everybody else in Korean chooses.

    I'm not making an excuse. I'm explaining to you what has happened that led to this situation. Sometimes there are inevitables even if you try. And it doesn't help to say that I have power over my decisions and I should take responsibility, because I do, I try my best in school to do whatever I need to do get my grades so that I get into a good uni. But at the same time, I'm struggling with guilt and hatred about myself, because I'm a bad daughter, while I also hate my parents at the same time. And the fact that I hate my own parents make me hate myself even more. I'm stuck in this vicious circle, and you telling me that I have power over this doesn't really help with resolving this issue.

    And how could I give love to my surroundings when I am this unstable, when I can't even give my self love. It all feels fake when I act kind to others.

    And as for a growing teenager privacy IS important, especially if your parents don't know anything about what you want to do, and they take it as a threat or just a short-term defiance. I don't think you would want to share absolutely everything about yourself with your family, too, because you are afterall an independent person that has your own autonomy that should be trusted with whatever you do unless it's against morality. Now THAT doesn't happen in my house: because there's no trust in what I do, and because they didn't grow up in an environment where privacy was regarded as important(they also grew up in abusive households), they don't realize the need for privacy.
    And the obligation parents hold for a child is not the same as growing a plant. It's not okay to provide the kid with all the monetary support and mess him/her up mentally. Like a parent's duty includes raising a mentally stable kid, not just a well fed and dressed guinea pig. You said you know how horrible it is to be raised by abusive parents. Why don't you realize this.
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    'I'm not as shallow as you might have thought I was' - when did I say this?

    'I thought I made that clear but apparently I hadn't.' - I have my perspective, even if it isn't what you want to hear. You asked the question and put it out there, sometimes I agreed, other times disagreed. It isn't my concern if you like what you read.

    'What I meant by how they were the ones that caused and taught me this is that it was them that started all the violence ' - Still with the 'caused'. I was beaten on a daily basis from around the age of 3-16. I've never hit anyone for saying something I found offensive and I try not to even hurt flies/spiders. You blaming your parents for your own behaviour is simply an excuse and isn't true. The first step to solving a problem is taking responsibility for it; see my last post. You get annoyed with me for repeating that you shouldn't have hit anyone, yet dodge responsibility for your actions by blaming the victim of them. I'd also point out that you never mentioned they were violent towards you in your response originally. If your parents are hitting you, you may want to consider telling an adult you trust or contacting Child Protective Services.

    'It's probably both me and my parents in the process of fighting now that I think about it.'
    I'm glad I made you think about it then. It certainly sounds like a very dysfunctional relationship on all sides, but as I say, you cannot control their behaviour or expect them to change to your viewpoint; however unreasonable or unfair you deem their behaviour.

    My suggestion about a letter is it removes the immediate element of confrontation. It is difficult to hit someone whilst not in the same room. I never suggested you are incapable of being logical or explaining your point of view. Please don't be melodramatic.

    ' My mom doesn't trust me with my decisions and rejects anything that she is ignorant about '
    She doesn't HAVE to. You aren't entitled to get your own way if it is logical. You don't have a right to the education you want, to the money required for it. You are coming from a place of deep entitlement. The world doesn't owe you a dime. My adopters told me to go get a job in McDonalds. Now I'm final year at college paid for off my own hard work. I'd LOVE to have free money from ANYONE to support me. But I'm not owed it. I have had to delay my dreams, it has taken longer and been a hell of a lot more hard work, sacrifices. But so what? You have the power now to put together a plan for when you are able to stand on your own two feet and not rely on anyone.

    It's great you are making use of YouTube, it's an incredible free resource for learning, look for lectures on topics too, motivation, Ted talks, etc. You can put in a lot of work now.

    'And it doesn't help to say that I have power over my decisions and I should take responsibility, because I do, I try my best in school to do whatever I need to do get my grades so that I get into a good uni'
    You just told me you don't spend enough time studying and putting in effort, that you are distracted by other pursuits, and your grades are slipping. So that doesn't sound like someone who tries their best in school to do whatever they need to do to get the grades they need. And of course you are making excuses. It's natural and a defence mechanism, but it also talks you INTO depression. The important thing with depression is to remember it is determined to keep you down, to make you feel crap about yourself, to ruminate obsessively over the past that is OVER already. You should try to do the opposite of what your depressed thoughts make you feel like.

    For example, if they tell you that you are evil; combat it with all the positive sides of you. I suggested before making a list. Past mistakes, if we chose to reword this we can call them 'learning experiences'. If you know under stress you have an anger problem, that is something to work on. Or you can take that one aspect of your PAST behaviour and define yourself by it. You can use it to make yourself miserable and alone. Or you can change it. It's a decision. Making excuses or finding reasons why it wasn't so bad, reasons you don't really even believe yourself, that just repeats the cycle.

    The human mind is an incredibly plastic thing. You can think a single thought and make yourself deeply depressed or extremely happy. We often create a narrative and landscape in our own heads that reinforces how we think we SHOULD be feeling. Depression, which involves the temporary chemical imbalancing of the brain, makes this both more likely and more time consuming to get out of - that's all.

    ' And the fact that I hate my own parents make me hate myself even more.'
    As I've said, why? I'm not going to repeat my previous points, but adding to them, most teenagers don't see eye-to-eye and occasionally fall out with their parents. The relationship tends to mellow and sort itself out in late 20's. I suggest trying not to attach such strong emotional importance to this. Also, balance it out. Is hate even the right word? If someone killed your hypothetical child, you would hate them right? In that perspective would it not be more reasonable to say you currently disagree with and dislike them?

    'I'm stuck in this vicious circle, and you telling me that I have power over this doesn't really help with resolving this issue.'
    You are only as stuck as you choose to be. What would you prefer I say? Lie and tell you it is hopeless, that you have no power and should just not bother trying? It just doesn't hurt enough for you yet, you don't Want it enough yet to break down your own barriers.

    ' And how could I give love to my surroundings when I am this unstable, when I can't even give my self love. It all feels fake when I act kind to others.'
    Well that is down to who you are as a person. But neurologically we feel good when showing kindness to others, even strangers. If you are kind to others around you, genuinely kind, then you WILL feel better about yourself. Be negative or ignore those around you and guess how you will feel?

    'And as for a growing teenager privacy IS important,'
    Nobody said it wasn't. But you don't have a RIGHT to it. It would be lovely to have and you'd feel much more comfortable, but it isn't your house. If they want to be unreasonable then you don't have any recourse until you have your own place. So get the groundwork set now so you are financially and emotionally ready to live on your own/with flatmates. If your parents were creeping on you in the shower then you'd have a point. I also don't see how not having privacy in your bedroom has anything to do with the inner workings of your mind, or how your parents could be breaching that privacy.

    'And the obligation parents hold for a child is not the same as growing a plant. It's not okay to provide the kid with all the monetary support and mess him/her up mentally. Like a parent's duty includes raising a mentally stable kid, not just a well fed and dressed guinea pig. You said you know how horrible it is to be raised by abusive parents. Why don't you realize this.'

    In an ideal world, of course it isn't the same obligation. And I'm sure if you ever have children of your own that you will not treat them anything like this, that you will show them the love and support you feel has been lacking with your own parents. But there's no point arguing the hypothetical here. You have the parents you have, and since I cannot speak to them and they won't listen to you, that leaves you with two options. Carry all that bitterness and resentment, let it turn to hatred and poison your life. Or chose to focus on showing yourself the love and support, the compassion and understanding that they don't. The former keeps you trapped in the cycle, the latter makes you a stronger, healthier person.

    At every opportunity I chose to go for the 2nd option. I could have stayed consumed by hatred and all the feelings surrounding it. But I chose to focus on me as independent of all of it. What you will realise at some point is that your current mindset is what has you trapped, only by attacking, breaking down and reshaping it can you expect to change. Or grow up miserable, alone, angry and blame it all on them. Up to you.

    N.B. You'll notice that in the structure of my response this exact process in action. Breaking down your current perspective and reshaping. Your problem right now is your current perspective. Change that and you have the solution to any none brain damage mental illness you care to mention.
 
 
 
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