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Still have feelings for an ex yay watch

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    Hi all!

    So I'm looking for a bit of advice as I'm terrible with this sort of thing.

    Last year, I went on my year abroad and met someone who I felt something real with. I'd been a bit of a 'late bloomer' as it were and hadn't had a relationship up until this point, not even in my first two years of university. Anyway, we chatted for ages and went on dates and I'm honestly not lying when I say I had never felt this way before. I felt an instant connection, something I had waited so long to find. This 'relationship' continued for about 3 months, until out of nowhere he cut it off because he wanted to see other people and that he felt 'cramped'. He couldn't deal with commitment. Which is fair enough, obviously, but the fact is, we made loads of plans and I thought it was going to be a real 'thing'.

    Needless to say I was heartbroken and felt led on. He made me feel super needy and doubt myself. We didn't speak for about a month and I'd forgotten about him by then, or at least tried to. I went on dates with other people etc. But just as I thought I'd never hear from him again, he pops up and asks me how I am etc. I stupidly met up with him and it was weird, but I kind of felt a bit of closure knowing that I'd seen him and it was ok and that I didn't feel overwhelmed or anything.

    Fast forward 4 months, he starts talking to me again (but this time I am in a different country). I thought my feelings towards him had changed and that I could continue this platonic relationship with him. He only ever really spoke to me every three weeks or so, and then I'd reply and he wouldn't answer. This was OK until he started getting really flirty with me. The conversation started to get quite sexual, that's all I'll say for now. It would always be at a certain time in the evening, and he would always have to start the conversation. Everything had to be on his terms. This annoyed me quite a lot.

    Fast forward a few months, and the flirty conversations were pretty much every day and we were facetiming quite a lot, too. I had no idea what I was doing with myself, I felt like a loser. We weren't even together that long. But for some reason something kept pulling me back. I went on a trip back to the city where I met him, and we met up and stuff happened, after which I told him how I was feeling again.

    He then rejected me again, telling me quite brutally that it can never be a thing. I've respected this, even though it bloody hurt for a while. I tell him things are fine and that I can be friends with him, but this is so bittersweet and I'm not sure how much I can take. Even now I'm STILL talking to him pretty much every day, and it's still stopping me from going out and getting my own relationship.

    I feel so torn, I want him in my life but at the same time want to keep my distance because I feel like I'm going round in circles. We get on so well and it's not as simple as just cutting him out, but he's doing what he wants and I'm just sat here feeling tortured.

    How should I go about dealing with this? I realise that I sound quite naive/like a psycho in this entire post. But please bear in mind that this was my first 'thing' that came even close to a relationship.

    I appreciate it if you got this far!!

    Thank you muchos in advance
    x
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    I understand how you feel but you need to cut him out and tell him you want him to stop messaging you. Or simply stop replying. He is messing you around so much and you'll never truly get over him if you're in contact with him so much. Have some respect for yourself because right now he thinks he has you in the palm of his hand and you'll always be there. You talking to him all the time isn't going to make him like you any more. The best thing you can do is go no contact. He doesn't like you enough to be with you properly but he likes the familiarity of having you in his life and the ego boost and comfort you provide. But you should stop wasting your time on him, you can do a lot better. Spend some time on your own and then when the time is right, spend your energy and time on someone who does want to commit. Just please stop replying to him, it's making you look a bit pathetic and like a doormat.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I understand how you feel but you need to cut him out and tell him you want him to stop messaging you. Or simply stop replying. He is messing you around so much and you'll never truly get over him if you're in contact with him so much. Have some respect for yourself because right now he thinks he has you in the palm of his hand and you'll always be there. You talking to him all the time isn't going to make him like you any more. The best thing you can do is go no contact. He doesn't like you enough to be with you properly but he likes the familiarity of having you in his life and the ego boost and comfort you provide. But you should stop wasting your time on him, you can do a lot better. Spend some time on your own and then when the time is right, spend your energy and time on someone who does want to commit. Just please stop replying to him, it's making you look a bit pathetic and like a doormat.
    Hi, thanks for your reply

    I completely get where you're coming from, and I admit I do look rather pathetic but I can't help it. Every time I gather up the courage to just let him go, I give in. Everyone keeps telling me to cut him off but I feel like I'll be miserable either way. But I know that he gets a kick out of knowing that I'm just there whenever he needs me. He pretends he cares about me, but I don't think he does.

    The thing is, I've cut stuff off with other guys before and not had feelings for them etc, it's not like I get attached really easily. But he is different and he knows I think this way. I think I'm just going to have to grow a pair, aren't I
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    (Original post by buttercup1901)
    Hi, thanks for your reply

    I completely get where you're coming from, and I admit I do look rather pathetic but I can't help it. Every time I gather up the courage to just let him go, I give in. Everyone keeps telling me to cut him off but I feel like I'll be miserable either way. But I know that he gets a kick out of knowing that I'm just there whenever he needs me. He pretends he cares about me, but I don't think he does.

    The thing is, I've cut stuff off with other guys before and not had feelings for them etc, it's not like I get attached really easily. But he is different and he knows I think this way. I think I'm just going to have to grow a pair, aren't I
    Yeah you'll definitely feel a bit lonely when you cut him off and you won't have that person to turn to all the time. But for your own happiness you need to do it. If you meant so much to him he would want to be with you, not mess you around and keep your hopes up. It is tempting and it kind of addictive to keep messaging but it's not going to help you in the long term, it's just a short term fix. Go no contact and let him see what he's missing. Don't find excuses to talk to him either. He may change his mind, he may not, but you just need to move on properly and not have him in your life anymore. Right now for him you're just someone on the side he can turn to when he wants that female attention. But for you, he obviously means a lot still and he's stopping you living your life. If he doesn't want to date you then he doesn't deserve to have you on the back burner like this when it's clearly not just a platonic friendship for both of you.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yeah you'll definitely feel a bit lonely when you cut him off and you won't have that person to turn to all the time. But for your own happiness you need to do it. If you meant so much to him he would want to be with you, not mess you around and keep your hopes up. It is tempting and it kind of addictive to keep messaging but it's not going to help you in the long term, it's just a short term fix. Go no contact and let him see what he's missing. Don't find excuses to talk to him either. He may change his mind, he may not, but you just need to move on properly and not have him in your life anymore. Right now for him you're just someone on the side he can turn to when he wants that female attention. But for you, he obviously means a lot still and he's stopping you living your life. If he doesn't want to date you then he doesn't deserve to have you on the back burner like this when it's clearly not just a platonic friendship for both of you.
    Update: I told him that we can't speak as often and he basically just said 'ok' and we've been no contact for about 5 days now

    You give very good advice, thank you again
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    I have a really similiar situation and honestly, reading this has helped me get a better, objective perspective on the situation, so thanks to all the people in this thread and to the creator of the thread, don't worry you are definitely not the only one to be caught in a situation like this, I completely understand how you're feeling! Best wishes for the future and cutting this person out of your life xx
    • #1
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    (Original post by buttercup1901)
    Update: I told him that we can't speak as often and he basically just said 'ok' and we've been no contact for about 5 days now

    You give very good advice, thank you again
    That's great to hear! Please do stick with it, don't give in. It'll make you feel so much stronger when you realise how much willpower you have.
 
 
 
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