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    I already posted this but this time I just change the question. I was 13 that time. I was laying on the bed reading in ebooks when I noticed that my cousin was behind me. I let it be then I realized he's spooning me. He's penis was at my butt. I didn't know what to do then. But since we were just lying on the bed I let it be thinking nothing will happen. That position happen again about 4 or 5? I can't remember but it did happen again. Then one of vacation my family and some cousins of mine went to a hotel to relax. I was sleeping on the bed and when I wake up I realized he's on my back again but since he's not that close I let it be. When I noticed that he's finger was touching my butt. Like again I didn't know what to do. And since my brother and other cousins were in there I thought nothing would happen. Before I realized it he's hands were in my shorts. I slowly move and pretended that I was just waking up. Then one time we were in my room watching a movie. My brother was there too and two cousins one girl and he's the boy. Since I didn't really like watching movie and I'm kinda sleepy I just read on my phone. Then I noticed that he's hands were again in my butt. Then again before I knew it he's finger was inside me.( I will be honest I was also curious how will it feel and thinking that I'm still a virgin cause it's just a finger I let it be. Not knowing how wrong it was.) It happened again. I just told to myself that there's nothing to worry its just a finger and I would still be a virgin and I just shouldn't let it happen again. But on another vacation I was 15 it happened again. I lay beside him that time. The reason why I'm still laying beside him is because I don't want him to think that I was aware of what he was doing. So I just acted as if nothing happened. We were watching some kdrama. And since the bed I was in was higher than he's on again I never thought it would happen again. My mom was also in there too. Like the first time I told myself it was nothing. My mom was an ofw worker so I grew up with just my brother and father. Maybe it's because I was never close to someone like my mom that no one told me how important virginity is. And on january this year still 15 turning 16. I realized how important virginity is. I realized that doesn't mean I wasn't penetrated means that I'm still a virgin. How bad what happened. And now I really regret it. For not fighting back. For letting it happen again. I hated how naive I was. Now I don't know what to do. It really hurts I already cried a lot about this when I realized how bad it was and I couldn't tell anyone about it. I even considered killing my self because I think I'm not worth it. I feel like a slut. I don't know if this is self pitying or what but it's really what I'm feeling right now. I really like reading book it's the reason why I'm going through with my life. But since I realized how bad what Happened everytime I'm reading a book I always remember what happened and ending up just crying. I just don't know what to do. Please give me some advice...

    And by the way to make things clear. My brother and cousins didn't know what was happening. They were engrossed on the movie and that cousin of mine is acting as if nothing happening.

    first of all it wasn't your fault, they should not have done that to you, second it's ok to be sad about it, you were violated what happened was wrong
    thirdly, you were young and it wasn't your fault you didn't stand up for yourself
    finally yes you are still a virgin don't worry that wasn't sex that was just cruel touching
    my advice is to talk to someone, maybe a counsellor or an online counseling service it can really help, I promise
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    • #2

    Why is virginity so important to you? It means nothing. I'd say losing your virginity is the actual act of having proper intercourse. Not just a finger or a penis hovering around your arse.
    No one would judge you for not fighting back, it's a tricky situation. Next time just try and distance yourself from him or tell him to stop.

    But virginity is kinda... a state of mind, really. Girls who ride horses often or when they do a lot of sports BEFORE their first intercourse, their hymen might break and that doesn't mean they are not virgin anymore. You stop becoming virgin when you really have sex and you're with another person and you know it's happening. I had my hymen removed surgically when I was a teenager, that didn't mean I wasn't a virgin anymore, right? It's what you feel.

    But on another note it was kinda... weird what he was doing. If you feel bad about it you should seek some help because it seems like he forced himself on you.
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