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Still Feeling **** After Break-up watch

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    We would message and call each other every day and night. She said she didn't feel safe without me there.

    Then out of the blue she calls me up, to tell me she got sexually assaulted by some bloke on a night out, and she was sorry. I was shocked. I told her to go to the police.
    I can see how you would feel guilty about the sexual assault incident (wondering stuff like "If I had been there, would it have happened?") however you have got to realize that you are really not responsible for what happened to her (and neither is she- its just a really awful incident).

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Our relationship continued, however, she started to believe I was only in it for the sex, whereas she meant so much more to me than that. She also claimed I didn't respond correctly to her telling me about the rape.
    Really, it sounds like she should have not only gone to the police about the assault, but also sought some counseling help (which a lot of Uni's provide) about what happened. She should still seek counseling help about it now.

    When going through a tough time, people often hurt those closest to them the most. That doesn't make it right though and she needs to start working through her issues in a way that doesn't involve her taking them out on you.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So we started to argue online about this, with her getting colder and colder. In the end, she went silent for like a week. I messaged her after I saw pics on fb of her with other men (turned out to be gay men) and questioned her about it. She said that me and her were never official and I had no right to ask her about her personal life.
    That's not fair of her. Unless you both agreed that this was going to be a no-strings attached relationship, then she has led you to believe that you were together.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Over the last few months it's been random snap chats from her, and occasional messages, which usually ended in me telling her I wanted her back (often pathetically). This went on until I spoke to her ex (my former mate) about the situation, and confessed we had been together. I just felt he had a right to know, I was also seeking answers as to what she was like. He informed me that he had been speaking to her himself, and she had been telling him she missed him and they were planning on meeting up. I felt sick. I had got in the way of their relationship, and ruined chances of them reconciling. She blamed me and told me she didn't want to speak to me again.
    How are you to blame in this? How have you ruined their chances of reconciling?

    She CHOSE to go out with you, she has been responding to your messages etc...Unless there's something that you're not telling us here (like she actually broke up with etc), then she needs to take some responsibility for her actions.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    She then turned around and messaged me to apologize for being horrible to me, and said she was going to do her best to get over her ex. She congratulated me on getting a new job. But then out of the blue, the following week again she gets nasty, tells me we are not friends and I should go and ruin someone else's life now.
    So she was aware that she wasn't treating you right. But despite apologizing, she has gone back to treating you even worse.

    You haven't ruined her life. Her life is chaotic, but the person who is most at blame for all this is the guy who assaulted her (who seems to have gotten off entirely free in this whole messy situation).


    (Original post by Anonymous)
    This brings me to today, where I've had some bereavement counselling for my mother, and am back at work. However, I really hate my life atm. I feel I have no friends, whereas before I was in contact with the girl and her bf constantly. I just wish my closest friends hadn't abandoned me in my hour of need. I don't seem to feel the motivation to do anything or care about anything anymore. Her ex told me that me and him were good, yet for whatever reason we don't talk anymore. I hate the fact that the pair of them are at uni, especially her, and surrounded by people, compared to a year ago when I was supporting her emotionally when she was feeling lonely in her relationship. I feel like I must be such a crap person to have ended up so lonely, despite being in my early 20s with so much to aim for.

    This is why you have got to be so careful about getting involved with people and their problems. You were going through an exceptionally tough time and when you needed help the most, you ended up getting dragged into a whole bunch of other people's drama's and emotional problems (which in turn, greatly amplified the amount of problems you were dealing with).

    There are only so many problems we can deal with before we stretch ourselves too thin and end up emotionally and mentally exhausted.

    It is really sad what has happened to this girl, but she is not alone in dealing with her problems. You, however, are. So you need to reign yourself back from getting involved in all these people with their problems until your life is on the right path again and you are feeling strong again (etc). Because if you keep on getting involved with these two people, then it will only come to the detriment of yourself.

    Opt out of the messy situation for a while. Focus on your own counseling, and on putting yourself first. Start fighting for your own happiness and best interests!
    Stop feeling so damn guilty about other people's life **** too- you're not to blame for all these events (and people have to take responsibility over their own lives).
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    Join the gym and use that as motivation to escape. Swimming helps too.
    Being single has it's advantages, but I do understand that desire of being with someone.
    I've been single for years (all through uni as well) and it does get to me a bit, but you have to remember that you have control of the remote, join a society to make friends, or travel to London (or major city) to get out the house.
    You mentioned you like gigging and playing instruments? Maybe see if your local college offers a course that would enable you to expand on this hobby? - meet more and new people.
    Join the societies on social media for the genre you like, connect with others, explain it'll be your first time attending events or whatever and someone may reach out to you and invite you in their circle.
    Hope this helps.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Adz2042)
    Join the gym and use that as motivation to escape. Swimming helps too.
    Being single has it's advantages, but I do understand that desire of being with someone.
    I've been single for years (all through uni as well) and it does get to me a bit, but you have to remember that you have control of the remote, join a society to make friends, or travel to London (or major city) to get out the house.
    You mentioned you like gigging and playing instruments? Maybe see if your local college offers a course that would enable you to expand on this hobby? - meet more and new people.
    Join the societies on social media for the genre you like, connect with others, explain it'll be your first time attending events or whatever and someone may reach out to you and invite you in their circle.
    Hope this helps.
    Thanks so much.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Feastful)
    I can see how you would feel guilty about the sexual assault incident (wondering stuff like "If I had been there, would it have happened?") however you have got to realize that you are really not responsible for what happened to her (and neither is she- its just a really awful incident).



    Really, it sounds like she should have not only gone to the police about the assault, but also sought some counseling help (which a lot of Uni's provide) about what happened. She should still seek counseling help about it now.

    When going through a tough time, people often hurt those closest to them the most. That doesn't make it right though and she needs to start working through her issues in a way that doesn't involve her taking them out on you.



    That's not fair of her. Unless you both agreed that this was going to be a no-strings attached relationship, then she has led you to believe that you were together.



    How are you to blame in this? How have you ruined their chances of reconciling?

    She CHOSE to go out with you, she has been responding to your messages etc...Unless there's something that you're not telling us here (like she actually broke up with etc), then she needs to take some responsibility for her actions.



    So she was aware that she wasn't treating you right. But despite apologizing, she has gone back to treating you even worse.

    You haven't ruined her life. Her life is chaotic, but the person who is most at blame for all this is the guy who assaulted her (who seems to have gotten off entirely free in this whole messy situation).





    This is why you have got to be so careful about getting involved with people and their problems. You were going through an exceptionally tough time and when you needed help the most, you ended up getting dragged into a whole bunch of other people's drama's and emotional problems (which in turn, greatly amplified the amount of problems you were dealing with).

    There are only so many problems we can deal with before we stretch ourselves too thin and end up emotionally and mentally exhausted.

    It is really sad what has happened to this girl, but she is not alone in dealing with her problems. You, however, are. So you need to reign yourself back from getting involved in all these people with their problems until your life is on the right path again and you are feeling strong again (etc). Because if you keep on getting involved with these two people, then it will only come to the detriment of yourself.

    Opt out of the messy situation for a while. Focus on your own counseling, and on putting yourself first. Start fighting for your own happiness and best interests!
    Stop feeling so damn guilty about other people's life **** too- you're not to blame for all these events (and people have to take responsibility over their own lives).
    Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and offer advice. All I can add is when I started seeing her, she made me promise not to tell her ex. By telling him, I have broken that promise, so she blames me and claims I've ruined her life. This is where the guilt comes from.
 
 
 
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