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Boyfriend doesn't understand "uni life." watch

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    I'm getting increasingly upset that my boyfriend judges me for being a student. I'm in my first year, so the first semester was a bit of a doss. I worked hard though and got good grades in my January exams. However, he works full time, and I guess in a way doesn't believe in going to University. He left school at 16 and has been working full time since then. He doesn't understand why my days are so short (2 lectures max a day) and is bitter because he has to work 7am - 5:30pm Monday to Friday. On my days off of Uni (I get every Friday off) I work, or at least try to get shifts but they don't need me much at the moment because they're not busy, but that's not my fault. I also try to work most Saturdays if they need me. His mum also has the same beliefs, making comments hinting I'm always in bed (which is not true, if i'm in my room i'm usually doing coursework).
    Has anyone else had this problem? It's making me feel really guilty every day just for being a student.
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    Their comments show that they are narrow-minded. University contact hours are short and people are expected to do the majority of the work on their own in their room or in the library. Why don’t you start studying in the library instead? This will keep you out of the house and will make you feel more like it is a job? What are you studying?
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    (Original post by aiezsedai)
    Their comments show that they are narrow-minded. University contact hours are short and people are expected to do the majority of the work on their own in their room or in the library. Why don’t you start studying in the library instead? This will keep you out of the house and will make you feel more like it is a job? What are you studying?
    That's a good idea actually, thank you. I live about an hour away from the library but I'm willing to make the journey if I can avoid snide comments. I'm studying Geography.
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    It's no good, gotta throw the whole boyfriend out :|
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    Yes, libraries are great, you can find study buddies from the course and this will really help with figuring assignments out and de-stressing at exam times. Having a group of friends from your own course will be so important later on when things get tougher and you will need to support each other.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    That's a good idea actually, thank you. I live about an hour away from the library but I'm willing to make the journey if I can avoid snide comments. I'm studying Geography.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm getting increasingly upset that my boyfriend judges me for being a student. I'm in my first year, so the first semester was a bit of a doss. I worked hard though and got good grades in my January exams. However, he works full time, and I guess in a way doesn't believe in going to University. He left school at 16 and has been working full time since then. He doesn't understand why my days are so short (2 lectures max a day) and is bitter because he has to work 7am - 5:30pm Monday to Friday. On my days off of Uni (I get every Friday off) I work, or at least try to get shifts but they don't need me much at the moment because they're not busy, but that's not my fault. I also try to work most Saturdays if they need me. His mum also has the same beliefs, making comments hinting I'm always in bed (which is not true, if i'm in my room i'm usually doing coursework).
    Has anyone else had this problem? It's making me feel really guilty every day just for being a student.
    When I was an undergraduate 6 years ago, I faced the same difficulties with my then girlfriend, and her family. She would pick at the fact that I barely had any timetabled contact hours, that it was a doss, because she worked full-time, albeit as a farm hand!

    Sure, agreeably, if you should compare the labour intensive work of being on a farm against that of a student, of course there are massive differences. But the point being, (in my case) she decided to do that, she made that choice and I made mine, and by no means was my choice the wrong one for me.

    This is what you have to think about. It's your choice, and if your happy, so be it. He should be happy for you too, and if he isn't then this is his problem. He cannot change you, or expect you to do something that makes you unhappy. What are his expectations? His ambitions?

    Perhaps, it might be worth sitting him down, and actually addressing things directly. Asking him, what is the problem? It may be dissatisfaction with his life or insecurity of his own.

    As for his family, screw them. That's what I say. My girlfriends parents at that time, did not like me anyhow, were unlikely to ever like me.

    It is a rarity for the girls parents to like you as a man, in my experience, so I was not surprised - because I didn't have any expectations.

    In my situation, her family were the traditionalist, and conservative farmer types. They believed in 'hard graft', 'pig muck' and the like. If you didn't have dirty hands you were not working hard enough. I always felt very lazy around them, because they made me feel that way.

    To them, as a liberal, highly educated individual likely to enter an office environment I was not the ideal person for their daughter.

    Anyhow, I thought I'd share my story with you to help you out a bit.

    In the end, we split. Too many differences between us. She didn't understand my mental health concerns, and thought it was just all in my head, and I was simply moody. So we split. I recognised we were just two very different people.

    Hope it all works out well for you, no matter the outcome. Good luck with your studies.
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    (Original post by royal1990)
    When I was an undergraduate 6 years ago, I faced the same difficulties with my then girlfriend, and her family. She would pick at the fact that I barely had any timetabled contact hours, that it was a doss, because she worked full-time, albeit as a farm hand!

    Sure, agreeably, if you should compare the labour intensive work of being on a farm against that of a student, of course there are massive differences. But the point being, (in my case) she decided to do that, she made that choice and I made mine, and by no means was my choice the wrong one for me.

    This is what you have to think about. It's your choice, and if your happy, so be it. He should be happy for you too, and if he isn't then this is his problem. He cannot change you, or expect you to do something that makes you unhappy. What are his expectations? His ambitions?

    Perhaps, it might be worth sitting him down, and actually addressing things directly. Asking him, what is the problem? It may be dissatisfaction with his life or insecurity of his own.

    As for his family, screw them. That's what I say. My girlfriends parents at that time, did not like me anyhow, were unlikely to ever like me.

    It is a rarity for the girls parents to like you as a man, in my experience, so I was not surprised - because I didn't have any expectations.

    In my situation, her family were the traditionalist, and conservative farmer types. They believed in 'hard graft', 'pig muck' and the like. If you didn't have dirty hands you were not working hard enough. I always felt very lazy around them, because they made me feel that way.

    To them, as a liberal, highly educated individual likely to enter an office environment I was not the ideal person for their daughter.

    Anyhow, I thought I'd share my story with you to help you out a bit.

    In the end, we split. Too many differences between us. She didn't understand my mental health concerns, and thought it was just all in my head, and I was simply moody. So we split. I recognised we were just two very different people.

    Hope it all works out well for you, no matter the outcome. Good luck with your studies.
    Thanks for your reply. I 100% understand where you're coming from with the "hard graft" thing, it's only ever been my boyfriend and his mum and I think he just learnt to follow in her foot steps with working long hours. They also have to support each other financially which I completely understand, but they were doing that long before I was with him so it shouldn't be taken out on me. I worked full time for two years so I know what it's like to get up and go to the same place every day and the job made me miserable and because I didn't have a degree I couldn't break out of retail, which is why I decided to go to Uni and I'm there now. I briefly spoke to him about it yesterday but he said he's only joking when he makes those comments (this morning, for example, he was leaving at 6:30 and I got up with him anyway because I was going to start coursework and he said "oh look I'm ____ and I get to go back to bed"). I know he's not joking and it's very frustrating. I'll just have to see if it gets any better.
    Thanks again x
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    This is what you get for fraternising with the proletariat.
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    (Original post by aiezsedai)
    Yes, libraries are great, you can find study buddies from the course and this will really help with figuring assignments out and de-stressing at exam times. Having a group of friends from your own course will be so important later on when things get tougher and you will need to support each other.
    Yes, that's true. I've also struggled with anxiety so at the beginning of the year I didn't integrate myself much with the people on my course. I also live at home still so I'm not meeting new people in that respect. But I have a couple of closer friends on my course now which I'm trying not to push myself away from, because I've been known to do that.
    Thanks for your reply x
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    (Original post by Notoriety)
    This is what you get for fraternising with the proletariat.
    :danceboy: Labour supporter always
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    Tell him that you are doing a lot of independent work. Something if he would have done in school he could also now be doing alongside you instead of his obviously so *****y job.
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    Sounds like he's jealous but is being a bit of a **** about it. He may be working full time but you're the one with coursework and deadlines and exams to revise for, it's not like you're not working at all. As others have said, it was his choice to leave school and start working straightaway and your choice to continue with education. He needs to respect that.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks for your reply. I 100% understand where you're coming from with the "hard graft" thing, it's only ever been my boyfriend and his mum and I think he just learnt to follow in her foot steps with working long hours. They also have to support each other financially which I completely understand, but they were doing that long before I was with him so it shouldn't be taken out on me. I worked full time for two years so I know what it's like to get up and go to the same place every day and the job made me miserable and because I didn't have a degree I couldn't break out of retail, which is why I decided to go to Uni and I'm there now. I briefly spoke to him about it yesterday but he said he's only joking when he makes those comments (this morning, for example, he was leaving at 6:30 and I got up with him anyway because I was going to start coursework and he said "oh look I'm ____ and I get to go back to bed". I know he's not joking and it's very frustrating. I'll just have to see if it gets any better.
    Thanks again x
    What he is doing is not really a joke though, I think he is unnecessarily taking out and projecting his insecurities onto you. This, isn't something you need to put up with.

    If it were me, I'd make it perfectly clear that he needs to stop making these remarks to you. Emphasise that you understand his financial situation with him and his Mother, but that this is your choice, and he needs to respect that as your partner.

    You might even recommend ways he can improve his life? It may then prevent this behaviour in the future.

    All the best
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    Sounds like the plot from Educating Rita.

    Perhaps they all feel that you will outgrow your bf sooner or later and that the relationship will end in tears.

    In my experience, people change substantially in both ambition and outlook through university and when they embark on a career. The classic drifting apart syndrome.

    Follow your own aspirations - you have to live the life you make or will end up living to regret your choices years down the line.
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    "He doesn't understand why my days are so short (2 lectures max a day) and is bitter because he has to work 7am - 5:30pm Monday to Friday"

    Why stick with this bitter young man when you can easily find someone sweet?
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    I had that problem with a guy I was dating. He seemed so bitter and like he had a chip on his shoulder just because he didn't have good enough A levels to get into uni. Neither did I and I resat. But he would just complain that his teachers were bad and it was their fault. Needless to say, his bitterness was a big turn off and we didn't date for very long.
 
 
 
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