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What sexuality does this make me // how can this be explained? watch

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    I’m a guy, 18 years old and I’ve always been attracted to women. I’ve had crushes on girls before and I’ve also had sex with girls before and enjoyed it but in the summer I met this guy, we went to school together for years but never really spoke until summer, anyway at first I didn’t think much of him apart from wow he dresses pretty cool and has good hair… we started talking at a party and I just clicked with him.. we had deep conversations, loved the same music and the stuff I hadn’t heard before I still ended up liking.

    So I started talking to him more, I began taking fashion advice from him, talking to him made me want to get back into photography, art, playing the piano and the guitar (he also did it and was GREAT at it)... at this point I realised I was attracted to him in some sense because I loved being around him and talking to him, I couldn’t wait till I next saw him and I was always waiting impatiently for him to text back... and I guess he looks really good too but it was never in a sexual sense.

    Anyway fast forward to the end of summer and we only just became good friends but he had to go off to uni, so I tried keeping in contact and we spoke a bit over text and met up a few times. At this point, I was thinking about him A LOT and had to figure out why so I told him how I felt… he wasn’t gay but said he was alright making out with me and we did, I enjoyed it but I didnt feel aroused I just loved the idea that I was kissing someone I really admired. In some ways I feel like I’m attracted to him because I’m envious of how good he looks, how he talks to people, how he’s popular and smart, good at the hobbies I love, and just his whole personality.

    It’s been a few months since we made out and we still talk, I still think about him quite a lot but it doesnt consume my thoughts as much as it used to. I still love talking to him and often wish I could just see him and do something cool, I do sometimes think about making out again but not so much, sometimes I also get an urge/wish to just hug him and talk for ages.

    Tl;dr — I’ve always been into women, had crushes on girls and I’ve enjoyed sex with a women before. But recently I’ve had a HUGE crush on a guy but its never been about sex, I love his personality, the way he dressed and the things we spoke about, I just love being around him, talking to him and doing fun stuff with him, although I guess I also do really like his hair and his eyes. I told him how i felt and he isnt gay but we made out and I enjoyed it but I wasn’t aroused and didnt feel it going anywhere… Why do I feel this way about a guy when I’m not gay and wouldn’t have sex with another guy? Surely if it was a crush the thought of his penis or having sex with him would excite yet I actually find it a turn off. What does this make my sexuality? And why do i feel this way?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I’m a guy, 18 years old and I’ve always been attracted to women. I’ve had crushes on girls before and I’ve also had sex with girls before and enjoyed it but in the summer I met this guy, we went to school together for years but never really spoke until summer, anyway at first I didn’t think much of him apart from wow he dresses pretty cool and has good hair… we started talking at a party and I just clicked with him.. we had deep conversations, loved the same music and the stuff I hadn’t heard before I still ended up liking.

    So I started talking to him more, I began taking fashion advice from him, talking to him made me want to get back into photography, art, playing the piano and the guitar (he also did it and was GREAT at it)... at this point I realised I was attracted to him in some sense because I loved being around him and talking to him, I couldn’t wait till I next saw him and I was always waiting impatiently for him to text back... and I guess he looks really good too but it was never in a sexual sense.

    Anyway fast forward to the end of summer and we only just became good friends but he had to go off to uni, so I tried keeping in contact and we spoke a bit over text and met up a few times. At this point, I was thinking about him A LOT and had to figure out why so I told him how I felt… he wasn’t gay but said he was alright making out with me and we did, I enjoyed it but I didnt feel aroused I just loved the idea that I was kissing someone I really admired. In some ways I feel like I’m attracted to him because I’m envious of how good he looks, how he talks to people, how he’s popular and smart, good at the hobbies I love, and just his whole personality.

    It’s been a few months since we made out and we still talk, I still think about him quite a lot but it doesnt consume my thoughts as much as it used to. I still love talking to him and often wish I could just see him and do something cool, I do sometimes think about making out again but not so much, sometimes I also get an urge/wish to just hug him and talk for ages.

    Tl;dr — I’ve always been into women, had crushes on girls and I’ve enjoyed sex with a women before. But recently I’ve had a HUGE crush on a guy but its never been about sex, I love his personality, the way he dressed and the things we spoke about, I just love being around him, talking to him and doing fun stuff with him, although I guess I also do really like his hair and his eyes. I told him how i felt and he isnt gay but we made out and I enjoyed it but I wasn’t aroused and didnt feel it going anywhere… Why do I feel this way about a guy when I’m not gay and wouldn’t have sex with another guy? Surely if it was a crush the thought of his penis or having sex with him would excite yet I actually find it a turn off. What does this make my sexuality? And why do i feel this way?
    Does it matter what it makes your sexuality? You're you, not the name you give your interests. You're probably straight but might be bi. Does it matter aside from that?
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    If you want a label, biromantic heterosexual sounds like it describes you.
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    The short answer: You're bisexual and your friend is too.

    The long answer: You're only 18 and just discovering your sexuality so there's no need to put labels on these early relationships. I've been where you are (I am a guy) and it sounds like you're attracted to guys but not ready to admit which is fine and I'm not calling you out for it but you'll grow into your sexuality. Your friend (although he says is not gay) is obviously attracted to guys too and just like you he is not ready to admit to this which is also fine as people take time to come to terms with their own sexuality.

    Your phobia to anal sex and penises is normal as it is all new to you. I just want to remind you that the idea that all gay men enjoy anal intercourse is a myth. Many gay couples don't have anal sex. If it's not for you, stop thinking that without complying you won't find partners. Most importantly, learn to recognise predators – and never allow yourself to be coerced into something you don't enjoy.
    There are plenty of men out there who feel exactly the way you do and in time you'll meet some.
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    (Original post by Tootles)
    Does it matter what it makes your sexuality? You're you, not the name you give your interests. You're probably straight but might be bi. Does it matter aside from that?
    It matters because if I’m bisexual it kind of explains everything and I can move on knowing why I feel this way. But right now, its confusing and almost making me depressed, sure I really like him but I just want to be friends so why cant I stop thinking about him and just get on with my life? I’m open minded to having sex and being with a guy if I ever felt it but I’ve explored and I just dont feel that way, I dont even think I would kiss another guy but I can appreciate a good body, nice hair and nice eyes, etc although its nothing more than appreciation. And by most definitions they’d probably say I’m describing being love with this guy until I mention the key component of sexual attraction is missing. It’s annoying because my feelings are getting in the way of our friendship - like i know he agreed to make out after I shared my feelings but I can tell its had an impact on our friendship and maybe even ruined things… and I’m not sure if i should try fixing things only to end up having my feelings get in the way too. I want to talk to him and make sure we’re on the same page but I guess I need to understand how I feel first
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    (Original post by Haviland-Tuf)
    The short answer: You're bisexual and your friend is too.

    The long answer: You're only 18 and just discovering your sexuality so there's no need to put labels on these early relationships. I've been where you are (I am a guy) and it sounds like you're attracted to guys but not ready to admit which is fine and I'm not calling you out for it but you'll grow into your sexuality. Your friend (although he says is not gay) is obviously attracted to guys too and just like you he is not ready to admit to this which is also fine as people take time to come to terms with their own sexuality.

    Your phobia to anal sex and penises is normal as it is all new to you. I just want to remind you that the idea that all gay men enjoy anal intercourse is a myth. Many gay couples don't have anal sex. If it's not for you, stop thinking that without complying you won't find partners. Most importantly, learn to recognise predators – and never allow yourself to be coerced into something you don't enjoy.
    There are plenty of men out there who feel exactly the way you do and in time you'll meet some.
    He’s not bisexual, I did get ‘gay vibes’ from him and so do a few other people but he too has had sex with women and he seems to know what he wants, I think he just felt bad that I was confused and wanted to help me realise if I felt that way about guys or not... I’m honestly really open minded, I dont have a phobia to penises, it just doesn’t turn me on, and neither does the idea of being physically intimate with a guy. I even briefly came out as bisexual to my sister, a few friends and my gay cousin, i was even ready to tell my mum but upon ‘embracing it’, meeting others with the label and hearing them describe how they feel and stuff, I just knew it wasn’t me, I just know I dont and cant feel that way.

    I’ll keep open minded and maybe what you’ve said is true but I also know my feelings to this guy aren’t enough to satisfy/suppress my sexual feelings to women so if we did end up in a relationship we’d be having no sex and I’d still be wanting to be physically intimate with a women? That wouldn’t work out well
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    (Original post by FerretPun)
    If you want a label, biromantic heterosexual sounds like it describes you.
    Hmmm… i did find some comfort and identification in reading up on that label. But there isnt really a way to embrace it… It just seems like something thats always going to get in the way since there’s no reasltic outcomes except forming intimate friendships I guess
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    He’s not bisexual, I did get ‘gay vibes’ from him and so do a few other people but he too has had sex with women and he seems to know what he wants, I think he just felt bad that I was confused and wanted to help me realise if I felt that way about guys or not... I’m honestly really open minded, I dont have a phobia to penises, it just doesn’t turn me on, and neither does the idea of being physically intimate with a guy. I even briefly came out as bisexual to my sister, a few friends and my gay cousin, i was even ready to tell my mum but upon ‘embracing it’, meeting others with the label and hearing them describe how they feel and stuff, I just knew it wasn’t me, I just know I dont and cant feel that way.

    I’ll keep open minded and maybe what you’ve said is true but I also know my feelings to this guy aren’t enough to satisfy/suppress my sexual feelings to women so if we did end up in a relationship we’d be having no sex and I’d still be wanting to be physically intimate with a women? That wouldn’t work out well
    I never said your friend was gay so I'm not sure where you got the 'gay vibes' comment from. I said he is bisexual at the very minimum which he is if he is kissing a dude. There's really no way of dressing up two guys making out (repeatedly) as 'straight'.

    I can see the dilemma with wanting his emotional company but not wanting to get sexually intimate but as I said in my previous post these things can develop and you might come around as this was certainly the case for me.

    Ok so now you need practical advice:
    Talk to him and explain how you feel and impress on him how fond of him you are to try and see if he likes you back. If he reciprocates your feelings you've got your answer but if he tells you that he doesn't want to be your bf move on and cut all ties with him. This relationship has the recipe of being something special or becoming a toxic one-sided crush which might put you in a depression.
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    (Original post by Haviland-Tuf)
    I never said your friend was gay so I'm not sure where you got the 'gay vibes' comment from. I said he is bisexual at the very minimum which he is if he is kissing a dude. There's really no way of dressing up two guys making out (repeatedly) as 'straight'.

    I can see the dilemma with wanting his emotional company but not wanting to get sexually intimate but as I said in my previous post these things can develop and you might come around as this was certainly the case for me.

    Ok so now you need practical advice:
    Talk to him and explain how you feel and impress on him how fond of him you are to try and see if he likes you back. If he reciprocates your feelings you've got your answer but if he tells you that he doesn't want to be your bf move on and cut all ties with him. This relationship has the recipe of being something special or becoming a toxic one-sided crush which might put you in a depression.
    I just said that because some people get the impression he might be gay, I know you said bi though. And he’s kissed another guy before and said he felt indifferent about it which is why I went on to ask if he’d kiss me so I can make sense of it all and move on, and its only happened once and I dont see myself making out with another guy again, not even him although the thought has crossed my mind, It’s not an urge or desire more of just ‘I guess that’d be fun to do again.’, also straight girls kiss each other all the time and its alright, if a gay guy kisses a girl does that also make him bisexual?.. when I spoke to a girl about how i felt she just said its like a girl-crush but for a boy which seemed pretty relatable.

    I’ve already told him and he said he isn’t into guys like that (I didn’t get to explain it was never about sex, it was just feelings), he said he still wanted to be friends although I’ve felt him becoming a little more distant. I’m torn between cutting all ties and just giving it a shot again at being good friends, right now I’m pretty sure I’m not bisexual and I feel like I should just accept I like things about him just because I do and it doesnt mean anything deeper, but by being friends and accepting the way I feel I can realise over time if thats true or if I maybe do end up developing deeper feelings which will be harder to move on from but at least I’ll learn something about myself. If I do cut all ties, I still think I should clarify how I felt first and see if he’s okay with that… maybe I just have a weird desire to be best friends with him or something.

    Thanks for your advice, I hope i didnt come across as argumentative or anything, its just some of the stuff you said I feel like I’ve dealt with and know its not the case. Sorry, I do have one last question, a huge difference I’ve found during this whole ‘crush’ compared to a crush on a girl, apart from the whole sexual thing, is that I feel really really envious of him, like sometimes I get upset asking myself why cant I look that good or why cant i be that popular or talented or just seeing him wear something and thinking wow I wish I had that. In your experience, is that a normal thing in same-sex crushes?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks for your advice, I hope i didnt come across as argumentative or anything, its just some of the stuff you said I feel like I’ve dealt with and know its not the case. Sorry, I do have one last question, a huge difference I’ve found during this whole ‘crush’ compared to a crush on a girl, apart from the whole sexual thing, is that I feel really really envious of him, like sometimes I get upset asking myself why cant I look that good or why cant i be that popular or talented or just seeing him wear something and thinking wow I wish I had that. In your experience, is that a normal thing in same-sex crushes?
    I know you're not gay but according to some prominent research psychologists I follow jealousy in gay men might be explained as some sort of pseudo-heterosexual mindset simulating straight men's hypervigilance to being cuckolded by their female partners. Of course, this might sound quite alien to you and you might even find it funny but without resorting to half-baked evolutionary theories of prehistoric cuckolding. Envy is a normal part of any relationship. We all feel envy from time to time, no matter how much we want to believe we’re above it. Envy is a complex cluster of feelings that stems from a very basic desire: You want what you believe someone else has. And this stems from your own unhappiness so you need to work on that. This combined with the fact that in same sex relationships it is much easier to fall into the trap of comparing yourself to your partner or in your case 'crush' because you're both guys whereas in opposite sex relationships its much more difficult to compare across genders.

    I hope this helps. My biggest advice to you was to talk to him about it but you said that he made it clear that he's not into kissing you again. I say give friendship another go but don't be depressed if you get attached to him again. If you want to avoid being hurt just let it go and if he really likes you he'll pursue you instead.


    Edit:

    I would also recommend watching the oscar nominated movie "Call me by your name" (I'm sure you can find it online through streaming websites) because the plot is very similar to your dilemma and there's a great life lesson in there for you. If you do this let me know what you think.

    All the best.
 
 
 
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