The Student Room Group

An emotional plea for help

I am so so sorry you all must be so bored of people like me but I have always believed that everyone is allowed one cry for help in life one act of desperation and this is mine. I need an objective person to help me - tell me what to do because I am so so so lost and I don't know what to do.

Last year I developed an ed and after going through the whole denial period I was made to see that I was ill and despite being let down by every single doctor I saw I managed to find the strength to fight it to get better to achieve my dream of going to my perfect uni.

But then 2 weeks into uni I went home and was involved in a car crash with my best friend. I somehow survived but she died. I still don't understand the mentality but some aspect of hating myself and blaming myself for her death brought back sentiments of hating my body - feeling grotesque and with a lack of will to fight it I let it take me over once again - this time much worse so much so that I will make myself sick even after eating previous safe foods. Please don't lecture me I am aware of what I am doing but I can't help it I don't have the will or ability to fight it any more - last time I got better because I needed to - wanted to realise my dream but now that has happened - I have tried crying for help to doctors and am sick of hearing how they can't do anything because they don't have the resources - so they weigh me lecture me and send me away expecting the numbers to leap out at me and magically make me better. I mean is this fate screaming at me saying that I am not meant to get better that the only way left is down?

I am sure some of you will lecture me but I know and believe me I really want to turn around but it is always one step forward two steps back and I know that part of the problem is that - I am expected to give evidence in the trial of the driver who killed my friend. I know that I am not strong enough to do that - even without the other problems I wouldn't have the strength to face that man and relive that night that has haunted me ever since. I can't do it - the thought of standing there haunts me - I am not ready to see him get away with it. The stress of seeing my friends memory being so disrespected by that monster being set free haunts me - my last memory of her being the smile on his face as the jury say not guilty. The idea haunts me and removes any will to fight or get better.

So what can I do - how can I get help when both private and nhs doctors have let me down and won't help me - I want to get better I really do but I can't do it alone - how can I continue to fight and find strength in the grief when 12 strangers decide that my friends life wasn't important enough to warrant that man going to prison - I don't know what I am expecting from you but when you are already lost there is no room to loose yourself more.
Reply 1
To me, you seem immensely strong. You've fought your disorder once, so just hold on, and don't be afraid to lean on your family and friends. Just keep going and make your best friend proud of you.
Reply 2
You know you can do it, because you've already done it once. :smile: You need to be strong for your best friend. From what you've said, i don't understand how anyone would say that the driver was not guilty. I know it's really hard, but do it for her. You will get through this, sometimes it seems like the hardest thing in the world to keep going, but when you make it you'll feel so good. I know you can do it :smile:
I've lost a best friend and it's more than hard. Your circumstances sound so much worse than mine though. All I'd like to do is give you a big hug.
How long is it since your friend died? It does get better with time, I still think of my friend pretty much every day but it does get better, it doesn't control my life it it shouldn't control yours. Stay strong, if you are ready talk to you parents or someone you trust. Or maybe try ringing Cruise or some other bereavement helpline, I've heard they're good (it could also possible be some sort of practise for court, just to get you used to talking about it). But if you aren't ready to talk that's fine too, it takes time.

Having to give evidence in court sounds awful, a huge worry. But I'm pretty sure you will feel better after it's over. Try not to think so negatively about it. Your freind wouldn't want you to be unhappy on account of her.
Sometime you will have to face what has happened. And it's not going to be perfect and happy after that but thats life. I have no idea what you believe but if you do ever get the chance to meet her again you may as well have some good stories to tell her. Keep living.

I don't know much about eating disorders but I do know I wouldn't have eaten for a few weeks after had my parents not been giving me food. I certainly didn't feel much like eating and I'm quite happy with my body (well, more of a don't really care anymore). I don't blame you for getting an ed. Maybe try looking someplace other than the NHS for help? I don't know of anywhere but a google might just come up with something. Good luck.
You've been through so much it's really not surprising that you're feeling this way. I'm not sure I have much advice I can offer except just keep holding on - take things on a day by day basis instead of fretting about everything. Two of my best friends have been affected by eating disorders and both of them were hospitalised- one of them got better, one didn't. I can imagine how hard it is for you but as one of the others said- grief becomes easier to deal with over time and you just need to give yourself time to heal all these emotional wounds you've sustained. Keep going mate xx
Reply 5
You have gotten through it and beaten it before be strong and do it again i know that you can never get over an ed sadly its something that you must always fight but do it for you best friend if anyone make her proud and live a good happy life. Go and see your doctor let me help you through it there are people out there to help you.
Seeing as the OP hasn't been on TSR for about 2 years I think this advice, well meaning, is probably a bit late to be noticed!
If doctors can't do anything, I suggest you see a psychologist, because eating disorders are psychological disorders after all.

Your last memory should be of happy times with your friend, and you can make it that way xx