I have never been comfortable enough talking about myself to others, let alone a therapist or doctor so I think this might be the best format to get things off my chest.
I had been in a relationship with my best friend for the last 3 years. We had known eachother/been friends for a total of 9 years. We met online when we were young, started dating when we were 16 long distance and 6 months ago I moved to his country for university so we were still long distance but now only an hour train ride away rather than an 8 hour flight away. Everything was so great in the beginning when I first moved here and I was so in love with him since the beginning, I honestly thought he was going to be the man I marry one day. However since december he talked to me less and less, didn't want to come stay with me for the weekend, and he did not allow me to go to his house or see his family. I kept having talks with him that I was unhappy with how I was being treated, that I wanted more communication, blah blah blah and he would say hes sorry and be sweet for a week and then back to being distant and constantly ignoring me. I saw him in person on new years and that turned out to be the last time. I kept asking to see him almost every weekend but he kept coming up with excuses and by February I was so sick of him pushing me away and not caring about it when I told him it bothered me. I told him I wanted to break up if he didn't really care enough to try and be with me anymore. The next day I was practically begging him to come up to my place so we could talk and see if getting back together was even an option and he decided not to come. I was devistated to know he would just give up that easy after I said how much I was willing to work at our relationship. Over the following 3 weeks I would text him sometimes when I just really missed talking to him and we'd have short lived conversations. My birthday was last week and after the break up he said hed still like to come to my place to celebrate my birthday with me (after all we had been friends for 9 years) and I was really looking forward to that because of how much I missed him, but my birthday came and he told me the same excuse he normally gave me during our relationship. That gave me this, idk, closure in a way that this really is over and that hopefully one day I will find someone who will treat me better. But its officially been a month since we broke up now and it just sucks. I know its over and I have to move on but it really fking sucks. Hes my first love, and the only person Ive ever shared personal things with regarding depression and past abuse and he was so so special to me. Im sat here crying nearly every day and hes probably fine after all he is kind of the one to end the relationship. He really was the perfect guy for me despite a few things that lead to our break up and I guess I keep looking at it as yeah I might meet someone in the future who will be everything that he lacked but that future guy has a high ass standard to live up to. The future guy will probably lack in the things that my now-ex is perfect. Im just so angry at him for really throwing our relationship away. Idk. I keep switching between so many emotions over him, honestly I just wish I could be over him by now because moving on really sucks.
Anyone would probably suggest I hang out with friends to keep my mind off him but the problem is I have no friends. I have one in the country Im from, and I had him. I had another friend who lived in this country but he was friends with my now-ex too and ever since the break up hes shut me out. Im at an advantage of being from a different country so I know absolutely no one here, I dont even have family here, but on top of that I dont drink and I dont like parties. I have social anxiety so if I do socialize its very minimal and after a certain amount of time I am absolutely exhausted. Ive tried making friends at uni but then they all want to go out drinking most nights and I dont go because thats an EXTREMELY uncomfortable situation for me and then they come into class the next day and I always somehow get an invisible shield because I missed out on that bonding experience. A great part of my now-ex was he wasn't super social either so he didnt mind us not being in social situations together and he met me when I was so young, way before I became as sheltered as I am today and we had all those years to grow up together and learn about each other. I wish I could have a best friend to hang out with, especially during this time but I just havent been able to meet someone I really get along with especially given my limited social situations
I currently study architecture at uni. I came from a poor family (single mom and my siblings) and we always had to move into fixer upper homes and we had to fix it ourselves with as many scraps as we could get together so we could sell it to get the money we needed to pay the overdue bills. (Moving around so much I think took part in my social awkwardness - was never in one place long enough to really make a friend and only had my family to be with) I got experience in doing renovations and I drew designs of homes and my mom eventually got a job as a kitchen designer which shes had for nearly 10 years now and she'd let me help her and learn from her. I took a tech design course in high school and designed buildings and made models of my designs and presented them to the town council. I always felt so sure of becoming an architect, I always had a clear plan but now being here in university, I'm not so sure. I love traditional, 17th & 18th century architecture and I always said I want to become an architect to design for those who want that traditional style (since most firms now always seem to do contemporary/modern only) and to restore older buildings. But all the tutors have disaproved of any design that isnt a sleek white square with a lot of glass. It makes school so depressing when I used to love school work. I keep telling myself I just need to get my degree and I can do whatever I want after, but realistically I'll have to find work at those firms that only care of producing mass modern pieces. And I've seen tv shows and heard of people who have gone into the work of restoring older buildings without an architecture degree; which makes me think, do I really need to?
Now that my relationship is over I keep thinking maybe I should move back to my home country. I always told myself I moved to the UK for more than just him, but I dont know if I believe that anymore. The architecture here is exactly what I want, part of what I wanted to be in the UK for but is that really enough? Its not like there arent any older european influenced buildings back in my home country. I've also gone vegan since I moved to the UK and it is SOOOOO much easier being vegan in the UK, and its a reason to stay here. But my family are back in my home country, they arent ever moving here. But then I remember that I wanted to move away from them (definitely not a functional happy family) and to be honest I never really felt homesick until things started to go downhill in my relationship. I can always move my pets to the UK (though not for a few years from now) and I think that would really help me.
Back to the jobs things- I've applied to every part time job in my area that I am remotely applicable for. I have retail sales experience but that was from 2 years ago and then I did landscaping 3 years ago and a newspaper delivery route 4 years ago. Since my last job 2 years ago, I've only done volunteering but that was mainly tutoring math and french. Im not sure if its my experience thats putting employers off or what. I havent heard back from any of them. I have enough money to live off for the rest of this school year but there isnt really any extra for non essentials like if I want to buy a plant for my room or something. I also dont know if I have enough to continue uni next year honestly. Its so expense and on top of that theres living expenses and a plane ride here and paying for food and laundry and phone and so on. I could really use a job even though Id absolutely hate having one. My school work would probably lack if I got a job since I already spend like 10 hours a day working on projects for school and I work on them 7 days a week. But I'd be okay with lowering my grades for the money cause it would at least mean Id be making the money to guarantee my place in those classes. It really goes back to my social anxiety. When I was doing retail sales when I was 16, I would sneak off to the back room while at the job so I could cry. I absolutely hated it, I was very suicidal during that time and thinking that I might get that feeling back getting a job now is really not a fun thing to think about.
Not to sound like a total bummer with all these negative outlooks. I think Ive actually improved a lot in 2018 alone. I've been working out every day for 2 months so luckily I've got the butt I always wanted to have lol. Like I said before Ive gone vegan, and I eat way healthier now because of it since Im so much more aware of what it is that Im eating. I think both of those have led to my positivity. You could ask anyone who knew me a year ago and theyd say I am someone who is always depressed and always sleeping to avoid being conscious. I have had a significant decrease in emotional break downs since December despite the break up and Ive felt a lot more lucky honestly.
I guess thats the end of my rant. If anyone actually bothers to read this, even only part of this, then feel free to comment whether it be advice or a rant of your own.
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- Thread Starter
It sounds like it is best to move o. One day you will probably look back and wonder why you spent so long hurting. You deserve better and you will find it. To fix your heart, acknowledge the heart break and slowly heal, it gets easier
that sounds like such a terrible place to be in, im so sorry.
i would say you need more people in your life geographically near to you, or you might just need to take up a new hobby to distract you and remind you of ur worth (develop a new skill?)
sending u best wishes
1. You gotta stop viewing this guy as the perfect guy. He wasn't. Whatever happened between you two over the years, in the end he didn't even have the common decency to end things properly with you. Instead he trailed off into the distance like a coward (leaving you to deal with everything on your own).
You have so few people in your life, it looks like you not only became very dependent on thus guy for a huge amount of stuff that was lacking in your life (friendship, emotional support, social life etc), but that in turn, that also made you view him as being a lot more awesome individual than he actually was.
2. You need to address your social anxiety. Perhaps the boyfriend allowed you to ignore or bypass some of the numerous side effects of your social anxiety much easier, but that wasn't actually coping. Until you really start to face up to and fight this anxiety, you will only be living half a life (and that will be true no matter where you live).
3. Keep up with the architecture. You may not want to design any sleek modern buildings, but it's important to build up a diverse portfolio which shows all that you are capable of (and not just what you like doing). You're not doing this course just for fun, so you need to approach it with a professional attitude. Use your creativity to adapt to and overcome the courses challenges!
Trying to always avoid hardships, doesn't mean that life will get any easier. Anxieties, phobias etc- they CAN be overcome if you develop a genuine will to face up to them (but they will only get worse if you avoid them or carry around a self-defeatest attitude). Remember that without adversity, there can also be no strength.
I'm very sorry you're in this predicament. But like everyone else has said here, he was not perfect. Don't view him that way, and I know that tends to happen after a crush or a relationship but if you do that you won't find someone else because you will be too focused on finding someone like him. That is not what you want. Lower your standards as well. I know that you situation differs from mine but I had a deep infatuation with my best guy friend. I viewed him as perfect. And it continued like that for two years. And one day I just got tired of getting hurt because he could never return that "love" back. I than crossed paths with a guy who doesn't even live in my country when I was on winter break with my other best friend. I met her guy cousin and we just clicked. We don't have the same background but do speak the same language but grew up completely different. Now I'm happy and have been in a long distance relationship for over a year now and I couldn't be more happy. I found someone who was completely different to the person I thought was perfect. And I'm much happier now. I just let life do it's thing. Continue with your architecture and continue working hard for yourself and the right person will eventually cross paths with you. Get into hobbies as well, don't let yourself live inside the box. Enjoy your life because you deserve it. Eventually you will get over him, time heals everything. Some things are just not meant to be and that's okay. Best of wishes to you.