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    I just want to write down everything I'm going through right now before I forget, it'll be really long and even harder for me to express everything but... here goes.


    Lately I've been feeling like I'm going insane.
    I'm a Year 13 student, and I just realised that I feel more lonely than I've ever been before in my life.
    In Year 7, I went through a phase that I still, to this day, struggle to find words to describe. Every day I had this immense fear of going off to school, I would feel physically sick and get incredibly sweaty and shaky. In winter, I would leave the house shaking in the cold, but the second I stepped in school, I would be drenched in sweat and my mind would race. I didn't have any friends, nobody that would ask me how I was doing or talk to me outside of school. I was by myself all of the time, so basically I was a loner.

    I remember the emotion building up to the point where I ran out of the classroom during Maths and burst into tears; unfortunately I can't remember everything that happened afterwards.
    (I had no idea what I was going through 6 years ago. Last year after Googling all of my experiences, is it safe to assume that I've had a social anxiety disorder since Year 7?)

    I had a crush on someone at the time, and I made the absolutely TERRIBLE ****ing mistake, of telling their friends how I felt.
    Shortly afterwards, I was eating alone in the canteen, already ****ed up from being in the middle of crowds of other kids, when she approached me, looked me dead in the eyes and said,

    "I DON'T like you."

    That event ****ed me up for the rest of my years in secondary school.

    Fast forward to 2018, I still do everything by myself, I've made efforts to get to know people but everybody else seems to have their cliques already. I still struggle in social settings - my mind races, my heart pounds like it's about to ****ing explode.

    But there's still something that complicates my situation.
    I've lowkey been a pervert since Year 7, my issue that I 'manspread' on purpose. I know that it's wrong and I've taken measures to stop it completely but it's like a new vice that's absolutely destroying me from the inside out.

    I used to be alright with some of the people I've touched but the majority of them are now completely ignoring me, which is completely rational. But lately I can't tell why people aren't talking to me - does everybody know what I've done and are they getting revenge by punishing me psychologically and driving me insane, or am I overly anxious and blowing **** out if proportion.

    I've been so ****ed up in the head. I feel like I've lost touch with the world.
    I've noticed behaviours of mine that might not be normal - when I was younger, I would sharpen my pencils to oblivion and my mum would notice and joke about it, asking me if I had OCD.
    But now, I find that I'm highly self conscious about my appearance due to people's opinions, I always straighten my shirt and pull it down when I'm in public, but most alarmingly of all, I've been having weird, occasional thoughts of randomly harming people or doing socially unacceptable things e.g. randomly screaming '**** you' to a teacher in the middle of class, pushing a loved one down the stairs, or slapping someone while they're speaking directly to me. Although I can control these thoughts and I can quiet my mind as soon as they come, I'm now scared for my sanity.

    I used to be a smart guy with a lot going for him, but I'm doubting it after ****ing up my AS.
    I see all my peers succeeding and getting on with life, but they all seem to have such easier lives, they aren't financially unstable like my family, and they likely have no reason to feel the way I do.


    Long story short, I feel like I'm losing my ****ing mind, and it's probably worse considering I'm a young black man living in a prejudiced world where everybody has preconceptions of what I am and what I'm not allowed to be.


    Please help me.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I just want to write down everything I'm going through right now before I forget, it'll be really long and even harder for me to express everything but... here goes.


    Lately I've been feeling like I'm going insane.
    I'm a Year 13 student, and I just realised that I feel more lonely than I've ever been before in my life.
    In Year 7, I went through a phase that I still, to this day, struggle to find words to describe. Every day I had this immense fear of going off to school, I would feel physically sick and get incredibly sweaty and shaky. In winter, I would leave the house shaking in the cold, but the second I stepped in school, I would be drenched in sweat and my mind would race. I didn't have any friends, nobody that would ask me how I was doing or talk to me outside of school. I was by myself all of the time, so basically I was a loner.

    I remember the emotion building up to the point where I ran out of the classroom during Maths and burst into tears; unfortunately I can't remember everything that happened afterwards.
    (I had no idea what I was going through 6 years ago. Last year after Googling all of my experiences, is it safe to assume that I've had a social anxiety disorder since Year 7?)

    I had a crush on someone at the time, and I made the absolutely TERRIBLE ****ing mistake, of telling their friends how I felt.
    Shortly afterwards, I was eating alone in the canteen, already ****ed up from being in the middle of crowds of other kids, when she approached me, looked me dead in the eyes and said,

    "I DON'T like you."

    That event ****ed me up for the rest of my years in secondary school.

    Fast forward to 2018, I still do everything by myself, I've made efforts to get to know people but everybody else seems to have their cliques already. I still struggle in social settings - my mind races, my heart pounds like it's about to ****ing explode.

    But there's still something that complicates my situation.
    I've lowkey been a pervert since Year 7, my issue that I 'manspread' on purpose. I know that it's wrong and I've taken measures to stop it completely but it's like a new vice that's absolutely destroying me from the inside out.

    I used to be alright with some of the people I've touched but the majority of them are now completely ignoring me, which is completely rational. But lately I can't tell why people aren't talking to me - does everybody know what I've done and are they getting revenge by punishing me psychologically and driving me insane, or am I overly anxious and blowing **** out if proportion.

    I've been so ****ed up in the head. I feel like I've lost touch with the world.
    I've noticed behaviours of mine that might not be normal - when I was younger, I would sharpen my pencils to oblivion and my mum would notice and joke about it, asking me if I had OCD.
    But now, I find that I'm highly self conscious about my appearance due to people's opinions, I always straighten my shirt and pull it down when I'm in public, but most alarmingly of all, I've been having weird, occasional thoughts of randomly harming people or doing socially unacceptable things e.g. randomly screaming '**** you' to a teacher in the middle of class, pushing a loved one down the stairs, or slapping someone while they're speaking directly to me. Although I can control these thoughts and I can quiet my mind as soon as they come, I'm now scared for my sanity.

    I used to be a smart guy with a lot going for him, but I'm doubting it after ****ing up my AS.
    I see all my peers succeeding and getting on with life, but they all seem to have such easier lives, they aren't financially unstable like my family, and they likely have no reason to feel the way I do.


    Long story short, I feel like I'm losing my ****ing mind, and it's probably worse considering I'm a young black man living in a prejudiced world where everybody has preconceptions of what I am and what I'm not allowed to be.



    Please help me.

    Okay, first of all, I had the exact same thing, I was (and am still) suicidal, I have severe anxiety and depression. When you say you feel like randomly harming people and shouting things, those are called intrusive thoughts and there are many helplines and websites you can look to for advice.

    For me what I did was hang around with three people about 6 months ago because I was so depressed after GCSE's (I didn't do as well as I thought I could) that I have attempted suicide twice, via overdose. Now those three people are what keep me going and while I still feel anxious they don't like me every now and then, they say they care about me. In fact, I'v even recently developed a bisexual crush on one of them, and told him as a professional courtesy, where he just said its fine. Looking back, I know most of my fears about people not liking me were in my head and people didn't ignore me, I just wasn't good enough friends with them for them to seek conversation with me.

    My advice to you is to not give up trying to make a friend, even if it's juts one person, they could be the think that keeps you going like me one day. Also, don't every judge yourself based on financial matters, it really doesn't matter to people if I'm honest.

    I think you should see a member of a mental health team or ring this number:
    08444 775 774
    This is the anxiety help team UK so just describe what you feel to them and they will give you unbiased help and will be able to tell you what you're currently experiencing

    No one is punishing you psychologically and try not to get anxious about people (trust me I know its hard), find a good hobby that serves as a coping mechanism, from there do everything in small steps and start to revise. At the end of the day school is about YOU doing well, and I know its hard (I was too depressed to revise during study leave for GCSE's) but you can do well in school and improve.

    My last advice is if you haven't already tell your parents. I was too afraid to tell mine for 5 years and I wish I had done it sooner. Trust me. They won't get angry and they love you so they will support you no matter what.

    Promise me, and yourself this now. When you go into school. Talk to the person you feel closest to, even if they don't talk to you just hang around them, develop a bond with them. People will like you and talk to you if you give them a reason to do so; I know this from experience.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Pyrogenic)
    Okay, first of all, I had the exact same thing, I was (and am still) suicidal, I have severe anxiety and depression. When you say you feel like randomly harming people and shouting things, those are called intrusive thoughts and there are many helplines and websites you can look to for advice.

    For me what I did was hang around with three people about 6 months ago because I was so depressed after GCSE's (I didn't do as well as I thought I could) that I have attempted suicide twice, via overdose. Now those three people are what keep me going and while I still feel anxious they don't like me every now and then, they say they care about me. In fact, I'v even recently developed a bisexual crush on one of them, and told him as a professional courtesy, where he just said its fine. Looking back, I know most of my fears about people not liking me were in my head and people didn't ignore me, I just wasn't good enough friends with them for them to seek conversation with me.

    My advice to you is to not give up trying to make a friend, even if it's juts one person, they could be the think that keeps you going like me one day. Also, don't every judge yourself based on financial matters, it really doesn't matter to people if I'm honest.

    I think you should see a member of a mental health team or ring this number:
    08444 775 774
    This is the anxiety help team UK so just describe what you feel to them and they will give you unbiased help and will be able to tell you what you're currently experiencing

    No one is punishing you psychologically and try not to get anxious about people (trust me I know its hard), find a good hobby that serves as a coping mechanism, from there do everything in small steps and start to revise. At the end of the day school is about YOU doing well, and I know its hard (I was too depressed to revise during study leave for GCSE's) but you can do well in school and improve.

    My last advice is if you haven't already tell your parents. I was too afraid to tell mine for 5 years and I wish I had done it sooner. Trust me. They won't get angry and they love you so they will support you no matter what.

    Promise me, and yourself this now. When you go into school. Talk to the person you feel closest to, even if they don't talk to you just hang around them, develop a bond with them. People will like you and talk to you if you give them a reason to do so; I know this from experience.

    Thank you so much for the advice
    I'll try to act on it tomorrow.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you so much for the advice
    I'll try to act on it tomorrow.
    Hey I gave you that advice a few days ago, so how are you feeling now and did you implement it?
 
 
 
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