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    There was a boy who went to my old secondary school and he also went my primary school, after I left that school 6 months later he added me on Snapchat and I found it really absurd because we've probably only communicated once or twice and that was to ask him to pass me a ruler or something..I asked him why he was texting me and if it was because he was bored or someone dared him to and he said
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    he said "no, just wanted to ask why you left" I told him there were personal reasons and he said it's okay I don't have to tell him but he was a good guesser, he figured out it had something to do with friends and anxiety and being tired of things, wanting change . We began talking frequently asking each other hypothetical questions or our preferences he learnt about my love for food and puppies and I learnt of his arachnophobia. A week or two of talking he told me he liked me and I was.. shocked surprised shocked in disbelief, i didn't believe him I told him he was pranking me or he had the wrong person because I, out of all my pretty and amazing friends never had guys like me. I was just the "quiet, awkward " one I asked him why he liked me and he said he could give me one out of the hundred other reasons. Conversations that took part after his 'confessions' were a little awkward because I hadn't told him how I felt because honestly, he was the nicest guys and he was so determined to get to know me like I was so special. I started getting butterflies when he'd say things about me I guess I realised I liked him too but I didnt want to tell him . I didnt want him to like me because Im insecure and a mess I have social anxiety I'm not that nice sweet girl he thinks I am Im not likeable I cant be happy let alone make anyone else happy Even though he thought I had a beautiful smile it was fake, Im pretty sure he would think wow what an ugly face if he saw me with my tear stained face and swollen eyes Im broken. After a week of him patiently(i must say) waiting for me to give him an answer, he said you can tell me you don't like me , we won't talk again or if you do then say . I think back and I think i felt pressured I thought he wouldn't want to talk to me If i said no but then another side of me said .. what if he breaks down your walls and learns about the darkest parts of you and doesnt like you anymore..but I thought he was different and he made me smile, my friends stopped messaging me after I left that school and he was the only person from my old school who wanted to talk to me . 9 months. We talked for 9 months almost every single day. we met 5 times. Everything was so perfect about our relationship despite it being long distance, After 3 months i didnt message him for a week I was having a terrible week I felt stupid and pathetic and thought I didnt deserve him or happiness and when I logged on he sent so many messages he was so worried and I began to trust him i told him about my whole life , just blurted it all out, my anxiety, my fear of losing people, my fear of getting too close, how he wont like after i told him about how broken i was , i coudlnt even look people in the eye.
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    He stuck by , even after gettign to know alsmost everythign about me .. it made him like me more because he said despite everything I go through I would always help others having a bad day and keep up a smile, even though behind that smile were eyes pleading for help. He was just perfect.. he felt he was stupid for telling me how he felt earlier and he felt stupid when he couldnt wipe my tears when i had bad days, When I first met him I was so nervous I changed te date , then I met him a few more times and I was able to talk to him like I talked to my best friend, i didnt feel judged, i didnt hold back. He would tell me how I was the only thing that made him be a nice person and have him hope , his life sucked . One day, one horrible day I was moody and I told him he was falling for me and he shouldnt because love . it doesnt last, and it only makes people vunerable , I was afraid of falling in love , ive never told anyone , not even my parents that i loved them and i was scared he would say it to me and i wouldnt be able to say it to him, besides i Told him he wasnt ready for love, we were too young. We met up and talked for hours , he bought me a book i really wanted and.. everytime I felt sad he was there for me always..but I couldnt have him forever, i wanted him to be happy, become what he wanted to , have a family one day , meet someone who made him happy ..not someone like me who could never make him happy , i couldnt give him what he deserved .He hated when I said things like that. Why did it end? In December , not a great month i started to not text anyone for days and weeks, he'd leave messages and calls but I hardly used my phone and when i would log on I felt nothing,numb i didnt feel like talking. One day i messaged him after 2 weeks of not talking.. if we could meet up . We met up and i didnt know how to tell him to his face so i didnt say anything, i just had a good last time with him. and a week after we talked over the phone, i told him i couldnt do it anymore i wanted to be alone i cant do anything i alaready essed things up twice . he wanted to meet up, he gave me a necklace that he said he was going to give me on my brithday but seeing as i was ending things he wanted me to have it..I didnt deserve him He said so much , how he wished i would stay how i made him want to get up everyday so he could talk to me in the evening.. But i left him..I pushed him away i wish i didnt . I needed him to be there with me when i needed him, even though he'd tell m everyhting was okay and hwne i talked to him id forget about what a bad day i had i ruined it all by pushing him away , i was one girl he liked for so many years , he saw something in me i didnt see. he got to know me like no one else did , he understood me (at time) even though when i was upset i was so confusing . I held his happiness and heart and i broke it .
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    that felt good to get off my chest but those 9 months so much happened and i told him to forget me ..I know it would be hard because feelings dont fade but i he didn't deserve someone stupid and undeserving as me he was amazing he was perfect,
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    Assuming you're school age, sounds like you need to talk to your parents/carers and get a therapist for your anxiety and state of mind.
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    (Original post by FerretPun)
    Assuming you're school age, sounds like you need to talk to your parents/carers and get a therapist for your anxiety and state of mind.
    i;ve talked to someone about seeing a therapist, and my parents don't believe i have anything wrong with my they think im moody and rude . when i was 14 and sui.ci.dal i considered seeing someone but i thought pf..who would take me to see a psychologist my parents have a lot more responsibilities
 
 
 
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