So, me and this guy (we will call him James for these purposes) had been best friends for 4 years. We were basically inseperable, and then decided to get together, in a relationship which lasted a year and a half. We had bascially flirted for a long time before, and had mini breakups that he took worse, even though we weren't together. However, this time we were in an actual relationship.
I broke up with him because of many reasons. My mental health was getting me down, his new found friends were manipulating us both, he was losing himself in a way and I didn't like his mother (but I could put up with her I guess). This obviously left us in an awkward position, but we always said being friends was our priority. We were friends for 5 months afterwards.
However, within the last month he has got a new girlfriend. At first I was upset, because I saw his friends pushing this girl with him for months and she genuinely seems like the opposite to what he needs, but that's not my problem now. After telling me about her, he told me he didn't love or care about me, never will and suggested he never had. He then said that he couldn't be my friend, and did a sort of friend breakup (it was strange). I don't know if this new girlfriend told him to do this, he said she hasn't and I'd like to believe that but God knows. We now are not speaking at all.
This would be fine, and I'd get through it but in school he now does things that are purposely to upset me. For example, I made a joke about how everybody hates this one girl (lets call her Catherine) and now he spends his whole time hugging her and being so playful with her (this isn't his new gf btw). He gets upset when I don't pay attention to him and is only happy when I'm upset, yet says that he only wants me to be happy.
James' only friend in school now is Catherine. All of her friends are lads, but they're all so friendly and flirty with me, and I don't think they would act like that if they were on his side. Now in several lessons, I've had to move next to two of them because of how James acts with me. I know from the past that the two of them don't get on, and I've had added insight because I've been so close with them both.
His 'new found friends' go to this acting school in my town, which is notoriously known for messed up, horrible kids. Unless you go there, you hate the kids who go there. His new girlfriend also goes there, but I don't know her. They have made him believe that he is far into music then he is (I have an analogy about this if you want more detail). I don't believe he hates it, but I go to a musical school, where we all play instruments and still he is now acting as if he is the only special one, and as if none of us understand music (we all do though...) and as if these friends are the most amazing musicians ever (they're not...). Luckily the sort of ring leader is going to university soon, so shouldn't be a problem then, but he wants to go to the same university to do almost the same course. He never wanted to do music, he always wanted to do other things.
People have told me to leave him to make his own mistakes, and that this is just a normal part of a breakup but it's different. As I said, we've had mini breakups before and it's been almost the same, the difference being I don't think I worried as much about him because he never cut himself off from all his friends. This is also going to sound weird, but from the day I met him, I hated him, but I knew that he would be important in my life forever. I didn't want that, and I was in no way attracted to him or anything, but it was this overwhelming feeling I'd never felt, yet he is cutting himself off.
I've spoken to several people, being upset about this. This includes teachers who loved us both, friends of both of ours (they aren't friends with him anymore because he has pushed himself away), my parents and now you guys. They all say I should just leave him, but I know he is making mistakes (I don't particularly mind being hurt by him, it's more him abandonning his decent friends and going down a path that isn't right for him). All the responses never seem to satisfy me and I can't get why I'm not satisfied, given I could easily hate him now if I wanted to.
All my teachers noticed James cutting himself off, and recognise the lack of good friendship between him and Catherine. I think they're going to try and look out for him and maybe speak to him but he's stubburn, and probably would do the opposite.
I believe the best and most loving thing I can do right now is leave him alone, but I'm worried he wouldn't speak to me. Everybody around me says he would definitely speak to me.
I don't know what to do because he obviously won't listen to me, but he ignores his true interests, and has cut off all his true friends (in school and ones from the country he used to live in) for these people who take advantage of him. I want to make sure he doesn't make huge mistakes which could mess up next year for him (U6), but I don't know how to do that. Please help!
in short: my best friend/ex boyfriend is making wrong decisions and I don't know how to let him do this/not care.
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- Thread Starter
- 11-03-2018 10:56
- 11-03-2018 11:45
The first thing you have to do it accept that youre not over him. from the things that you wrote at the beginning i'm guessing that hes slyly obsessed with you and is very reckless. maybe hes trying out new techniques to try and get over you. at that point i thought it would be best to wait it out and wait for him to come back, however as i read on i realised he wouldnt make you happy in the long term and he doesn't sound like a good person whos worth your time. the reason you're not satisfied is because the only thing atm that would satisfy you is hearing someone say 'hell change wait for him'. but at the end of the day we all know that may satisfy you but its not true.
you need to let yourself get over him. you should accept that youre still in lust with him and start the process of getting over him. distract yourself when you can. maybe block him social media. cut him off. once youre over him youll be able to think clearly - only then.
last thing is never say never - but atm you should do what i have said above. it doesnt mean this is going to be like this forever.
- 11-03-2018 11:53
This is way too long to read but I’ll be your friend