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    'Not a good fit'
    'Should just hang around with groups of friends'
    'for good measure, I've rejected all the guys who've confessed to me'

    Now, I thought she might've liked me before and things did really indicate that, I'd rather not go through it all but just bare that in mind.

    I didn't really 'confess', I asked if she was happy as just friends.

    Is there any way I can ask why she thinks we are not ' compatible', it just seems strange. Also, she seems to just not want to hang around as just us as friends (I haven't suggested anything after that), but she emphasised being around in groups and never really liked the idea of watching something with just me, when we did arrange to watch a film she asked if her friend could come.

    I met her at badminton when she was with friends and from then on (even that day her friends went up to leave us as just us two whilst watching) it was just us, she would only go to if I was there and we'd just be hanging out. She initiated contact and always seemed cheery so it's not like she was uncomfortable around me?

    I want to just move past it and I'm not trying to 'win her over' or whatever, her position is clear. I just want too know why!
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    She doesn't want to hang around you alone because now she knows your feelings for her, she doesn't want to do anything to encourage them (for they will go unrequited) nor give you any false signals of hope (for she really does jusy want to be friends).

    Not compatible? Could mean all manner of things, but it ultimately means that she isn't fundamentally attracted to you in that way or doesn't see that sort of future with you.

    How good people are as friends, does not necessarily directly reflect how well you will likewise get along in other area's of life (as lovers, as roommate's, as business partners or teammates etc).
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    But there could be many reasons on a personal level as to why she doesn't want to be with you.

    Maybe she doesn't find you attractive, that's pretty important. Or maybe your futures don't align. Would you really want to know why?
    • #2
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    Honestly probably just isn't attracted to you. I was friends with a guy and he kept bringing up his feelings every few months and I would tell him I didn't feel the same and I think he thought I would change my mind. Eventually I had to just cut him out completely because I was obviously somehow leading him on.
    For me, I just wasn't attracted to him. It wasn't really to do with looks as I can find most people attractive, it was his lack of confidence and neediness. He had quite a nervous nasally voice as well and since he was only a 5/10, his lack of confidence brought him down to a 4/10 and I would never fancy him. Had he been a bit more confident and less of a "nice guy" (sorry about it), he could have pushed himself up to a 7/10.
    He has since changed but I'll always see him in that light and I'll never fancy him.
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    (Original post by Feastful)
    She doesn't want to hang around you alone because now she knows your feelings for her, she doesn't want to do anything to encourage them (for they will go unrequited) nor give you any false signals of hope (for she really does jusy want to be friends).

    Not compatible? Could mean all manner of things, but it ultimately means that she isn't fundamentally attracted to you in that way or doesn't see that sort of future with you.

    How good people are as friends, does not necessarily directly reflect how well you will likewise get along in other area's of life (as lovers, as roommate's, as business partners or teammates etc).
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Honestly probably just isn't attracted to you. I was friends with a guy and he kept bringing up his feelings every few months and I would tell him I didn't feel the same and I think he thought I would change my mind. Eventually I had to just cut him out completely because I was obviously somehow leading him on.
    For me, I just wasn't attracted to him. It wasn't really to do with looks as I can find most people attractive, it was his lack of confidence and neediness. He had quite a nervous nasally voice as well and since he was only a 5/10, his lack of confidence brought him down to a 4/10 and I would never fancy him. Had he been a bit more confident and less of a "nice guy" (sorry about it), he could have pushed himself up to a 7/10.
    He has since changed but I'll always see him in that light and I'll never fancy him.
    (Original post by UWS)
    But there could be many reasons on a personal level as to why she doesn't want to be with you.

    Maybe she doesn't find you attractive, that's pretty important. Or maybe your futures don't align. Would you really want to know why?
    I would ideally want to know why haha, if she just isn't attracted to me then obviously it's not great but I understand that not everyone is attracted to everyone, far from it.

    I'm not a knock out but (and ik I am on the relationship forum of tsr here) I am a pretty confident guy. Although she has said on numerous occasions how sweet I am so maybe it is a nice guy thing but equally she talked about me teasing her etc. She also said I was a a 'natural flirt' when I said it'll make all the difference when she said gl for a tournament I had last night, although she didn't say it in a bad way I don't think as she said it's cute just after.

    Her feelings are clear, I am not going to latch on or something for what isn't there, at first I thought she was just saying it bc I was on a date the other day and she found out through a friend but I knew really that she wasn't into me by then and I just thought about her on the date which ik is bad but I didn't feel it.

    Overall she emphasised how much she has liked hanging around with me and how I'm great etc. so presumably she wants to be friends, I am okay with that and am not awkward about it, but, every time we speak I can't help but think 'why', I don't want to be the guy who bolts and can't be friends just bc she did not feel the same
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I would ideally want to know why haha, if she just isn't attracted to me then obviously it's not great but I understand that not everyone is attracted to everyone, far from it.

    I'm not a knock out but (and ik I am on the relationship forum of tsr here) I am a pretty confident guy. Although she has said on numerous occasions how sweet I am so maybe it is a nice guy thing but equally she talked about me teasing her etc. She also said I was a a 'natural flirt' when I said it'll make all the difference when she said gl for a tournament I had last night, although she didn't say it in a bad way I don't think as she said it's cute just after.

    Her feelings are clear, I am not going to latch on or something for what isn't there, at first I thought she was just saying it bc I was on a date the other day and she found out through a friend but I knew really that she wasn't into me by then and I just thought about her on the date which ik is bad but I didn't feel it.

    Overall she emphasised how much she has liked hanging around with me and how I'm great etc. so presumably she wants to be friends, I am okay with that and am not awkward about it, but, every time we speak I can't help but think 'why', I don't want to be the guy who bolts and can't be friends just bc she did not feel the same
    There were times where I got rejected and wanted to know why, but it was for the best that I didn't. Let's face it, what's a deal breaker for one girl won't be for another girl. So while she could tell you that you have a bad personality (if that is her reason), other girls won't think the same as her.

    I just feel it's pointless information and it might just hurt your confidence by knowing.
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    Maybe it's for the best that you don't know, if it really bothers you than ask her upfront, you won't get the response you want here because we don't know what she's thinking ya know.
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    (Original post by UWS)
    There were times where I got rejected and wanted to know why, but it was for the best that I didn't. Let's face it, what's a deal breaker for one girl won't be for another girl. So while she could tell you that you have a bad personality (if that is her reason), other girls won't think the same as her.

    I just feel it's pointless information and it might just hurt your confidence by knowing.
    Okay, I see your reasoning.

    If we are to be 'really good friends' as she said, other than it being us playing badminton alone, how can we never really just be us when hanging out? Is it worth asking her about why she seems opposed to it being just us when hanging out?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Okay, I see your reasoning.

    If we are to be 'really good friends' as she said, other than it being us playing badminton alone, how can we never really just be us when hanging out? Is it worth asking her about why she seems opposed to it being just us when hanging out?
    She doesn't want to give you the wrong impression by doing things which just involve you two. Girls do this a lot when they want to keep things platonic, so they invite friends along to keep it that way. It's probably for your own good, just in case you get too attached to her.
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    (Original post by UWS)
    She doesn't want to give you the wrong impression by doing things which just involve you two. Girls do this a lot when they want to keep things platonic, so they invite friends along to keep it that way. It's probably for your own good, just in case you get too attached to her.
    Yeah but, I'd much rather be with just her. I know the score now and how she feels so, can I not just say I understand what she said and not hangout as just friends together? I mean what kind of friends can't do that, I've had plenty of friends in the past who you can just cuddle and watch films or whatever it may he
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yeah but, I'd much rather be with just her. I know the score now and how she feels so, can I not just say I understand what she said and not hangout as just friends together? I mean what kind of friends can't do that, I've had plenty of friends in the past who you can just cuddle and watch films or whatever it may he
    She might need some time for her to feel comfortable with that though. She was nice enough to remain friends after telling her you like her, some girls don't even do that. There's no harm in asking if you can do things as friends (just you two) but you should understand that she might not feel comfortable with that after you confessed your feelings to her. The difference is that the friends you hang out with didn't ask you out. That's a game changer for some.
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    (Original post by UWS)
    She might need some time for her to feel comfortable with that though. She was nice enough to remain friends after telling her you like her, some girls don't even do that. There's no harm in asking if you can do things as friends (just you two) but you should understand that she might not feel comfortable with that after you confessed your feelings to her. The difference is that the friends you hang out with didn't ask you out. That's a game changer for some.
    Nice enough to remain friends? I'm trying to not be one of those guys who changes after her not feeling the same as she said she didn't want this to change things.

    So it would be bad if I said something like I understand how you feel now, is there a reason why you don't want it to just be us like when we talked a film before or watching the show? (she brought up seeing a film together before and a show I recommended that she said she's always wanted to watch)

    Ty for your time so far btw
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I would ideally want to know why haha, if she just isn't attracted to me then obviously it's not great but I understand that not everyone is attracted to everyone, far from it.

    I'm not a knock out but (and ik I am on the relationship forum of tsr here) I am a pretty confident guy. Although she has said on numerous occasions how sweet I am so maybe it is a nice guy thing but equally she talked about me teasing her etc. She also said I was a a 'natural flirt' when I said it'll make all the difference when she said gl for a tournament I had last night, although she didn't say it in a bad way I don't think as she said it's cute just after.

    Her feelings are clear, I am not going to latch on or something for what isn't there, at first I thought she was just saying it bc I was on a date the other day and she found out through a friend but I knew really that she wasn't into me by then and I just thought about her on the date which ik is bad but I didn't feel it.

    Overall she emphasised how much she has liked hanging around with me and how I'm great etc. so presumably she wants to be friends, I am okay with that and am not awkward about it, but, every time we speak I can't help but think 'why', I don't want to be the guy who bolts and can't be friends just bc she did not feel the same
    1. Friendship VS male feelings: I have to say that us girls have to be very careful when dealing with guys who we are aware have affections for us, because if we do anything that could be seen to knowingly unfairly encourage unwanted & serious feelings/affections from a guy, not only can the situation quickly become very messy/difficult to deal with, but in the end, often it is us who are ultimately blamed (for leading the other party on, being a tease or heart player etc) for the situation that has developed. And either way whether we get blamed or not, it's little consolation for us (because once too many lines in a friendship have been crossed, there is no simply going back to the ways before; if feelings aren't successfully managed in a friendship, beyond a certain point it can spell certain doom for a friendship).

    Honestly, for a girl, it can be such a difficult balancing act expressing warmth towards guys while also keeping them at arms distance enough (the fine line of projecting friendship and nothing more, etc), that many girls end up preferring to not allow guys to get close to thdm at all (because it's simply much easier to just act cold than allow guys to come close to you).

    Although it has not been your intention, developing & expressing feelings for this girl who is your friend, may have knocked her confidence in her ability to project & manage the right level of feelings in guys so much, that she has decided to create a distance between you two until she feels more confident in her abilities to better deal with the situation. Also, she may have created distance between you two because she has come to the conclusion that you must have developed feelings for her because she allowed you to get too close (and so now she hopes that if she creates enough distance, your feelings in turn will likewise weaken/lessen).

    So my main advice, is to just be very mindful of the predicament that your feelings confession has now inadvertently put her in. If you want to be close friends with her again, then you have to do a very convincing job of showing her (over time) that you can manage your feelings towards her (while keep any feelings towards her to yourself). Because if she ever feels like she is unwittingly encouraging unwanted affections from you again, she'll be certain to reinforce the distance (and this time for good).

    But you also have to be honest with yourself too about these matters of the heart (like whether you can actually be as close to this girl as you were before and successively manage your feelings towards her? That's something only you can know). There is no point in getting close to her if you only grow to loathe the friendzone that you've knowingly entered.

    2. Vague incompatibility: She may simply be reluctant to go into detail about how exactly you aren't compatible because she's worried that if its anything you could mistakenly perceive to be changeable, it will give you false hope that if you change yourself enough, you will stand a good chance with her (and she doesn't want that). Being incompatible generally means it's a more fundamental issue that makes you unsuited for each other, and being fundamental, it can't simply be changed with a makeover or something like that (because its a personality or fundamental sexual attraction issue etc).

    If this girl simply did not find you sexually attractive enough, it does not mean that you are an unattractive person though. Though there are many people who can be described as being generally aesthetically appealing/hot, but when it comes to raw sexual chemistry, there needs to be a "clicking" on a more fundamental genetic/hormonal level (and simple cosmetic hotness cannot overcome that). But this also likewise means that although this particular girl does not feel this way about you, it's also no fault of your own (and on the bright side, there will be other girls out there who will feel this sexual chemistry for you).

    Don't sweat incompatibility too much- it simply means that what is lacking, is fundamental (and is not a fault you can simply fix by effort). But also take it as a clear message that she simply see's no genuine future with you (and so there really is no point in trying). Save the friendship, respect her feelings (it seems like she is trying to deal with the situation as best she can) and save your good looks and kind heart for a top catch girl who feels that chemistry back for you.
    • #1
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    (Original post by Feastful)
    1. Friendship VS male feelings: I have to say that us girls have to be very careful when dealing with guys who we are aware have affections for us, because if we do anything that could be seen to knowingly unfairly encourage unwanted & serious feelings/affections from a guy, not only can the situation quickly become very messy/difficult to deal with, but in the end, often it is us who are ultimately blamed (for leading the other party on, being a tease or heart player etc) for the situation that has developed. And either way whether we get blamed or not, it's little consolation for us (because once too many lines in a friendship have been crossed, there is no simply going back to the ways before; if feelings aren't successfully managed in a friendship, beyond a certain point it can spell certain doom for a friendship).

    Honestly, for a girl, it can be such a difficult balancing act expressing warmth towards guys while also keeping them at arms distance enough (the fine line of projecting friendship and nothing more, etc), that many girls end up preferring to not allow guys to get close to thdm at all (because it's simply much easier to just act cold than allow guys to come close to you).

    Although it has not been your intention, developing & expressing feelings for this girl who is your friend, may have knocked her confidence in her ability to project & manage the right level of feelings in guys so much, that she has decided to create a distance between you two until she feels more confident in her abilities to better deal with the situation. Also, she may have created distance between you two because she has come to the conclusion that you must have developed feelings for her because she allowed you to get too close (and so now she hopes that if she creates enough distance, your feelings in turn will likewise weaken/lessen).

    So my main advice, is to just be very mindful of the predicament that your feelings confession has now inadvertently put her in. If you want to be close friends with her again, then you have to do a very convincing job of showing her (over time) that you can manage your feelings towards her (while keep any feelings towards her to yourself). Because if she ever feels like she is unwittingly encouraging unwanted affections from you again, she'll be certain to reinforce the distance (and this time for good).

    But you also have to be honest with yourself too about these matters of the heart (like whether you can actually be as close to this girl as you were before and successively manage your feelings towards her? That's something only you can know). There is no point in getting close to her if you only grow to loathe the friendzone that you've knowingly entered.

    2. Vague incompatibility: She may simply be reluctant to go into detail about how exactly you aren't compatible because she's worried that if its anything you could mistakenly perceive to be changeable, it will give you false hope that if you change yourself enough, you will stand a good chance with her (and she doesn't want that). Being incompatible generally means it's a more fundamental issue that makes you unsuited for each other, and being fundamental, it can't simply be changed with a makeover or something like that (because its a personality or fundamental sexual attraction issue etc).

    If this girl simply did not find you sexually attractive enough, it does not mean that you are an unattractive person though. Though there are many people who can be described as being generally aesthetically appealing/hot, but when it comes to raw sexual chemistry, there needs to be a "clicking" on a more fundamental genetic/hormonal level (and simple cosmetic hotness cannot overcome that). But this also likewise means that although this particular girl does not feel this way about you, it's also no fault of your own (and on the bright side, there will be other girls out there who will feel this sexual chemistry for you).

    Don't sweat incompatibility too much- it simply means that what is lacking, is fundamental (and is not a fault you can simply fix by effort). But also take it as a clear message that she simply see's no genuine future with you (and so there really is no point in trying). Save the friendship, respect her feelings (it seems like she is trying to deal with the situation as best she can) and save your good looks and kind heart for a top catch girl who feels that chemistry back for you.
    Okay, thank you for all that, truly.

    So it's best to just lay off a bit and not expressly say something along the lines of 'I fully take on board all that you said before. Know that when we do hang out next or ever do something away from badminton that you've made yourself clear, I wouldn't read anything the wrong way haha. If that was your reservations before '
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