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Am I bi/straight/gay? Why I got erection underwater?

Hey guys, I have some problem, and it will be long, but im frustrated so lets dive in.

The story.

Im an 18 year old, secondary school boy, and in 2017 December I started to questioning my sexual orientation, but back to good old days.

In the kindergarden I have had a "crush" one of my kindergarten teacher. I kissed him on her legs every day before we had to sleep... :biggrin:. In the elementary school I had a benchmate, and I had a crush on her, I even remember I bought chocolate on Valentine's day to her, and i gave a kess to her cheek and I was so happy. :biggrin: But things have changed. A lot!

From class 3 to 8 I got bullied a lot! I was not fit into the class, and I hated them. In the 4th grade, i had a benchmate (boy), who I were in a really good friendship with. We did everything together, and once I started to daydreaming of him, like I would like to kiss him underwater and etc, and -years-later I realized I got an erection. (I dont remember whether I got an erection or not, when I kissed my crush in 2nd class... :biggrin: )

So I got bullied a lot, even physical bullying, so we almost had to go to hospital. On the other hand many of my girl classmates "used me" like give them rubber, sooo U got it! They were only talked to me when they were need something.

When I was in the 6-7th class my cousin's parents divorced, and I saw, how awful can a woman and a man be, and in those days, I also promised myself, I will never have a gf or anything.

I even remember I was so upset about something that I called my mother a "slut". So basically women made a bad impression in my life.

Im in late maturity so I "realized" how to "jack off yourself" at the age of 14.5. I remember, the first pic was a boy and a girl who kissed each other underwater, then I found the gay porn section, and instantly get turned on.

I started watching it, and I enjoyed a lot and I was like, porn can not determine your sexual orientation, but in the past few months (after watching only gay porn for 3.5-4 years) I started thinking what if I am gay, and fell into quiet serious depression.

I had down, and I remember I masturbated to gay porn 5-7 times a day! (!!!). I said lets try a normal porn but as soon as I saw vagina (for the first time) i got disgusted (after 4 secs) and turned it off.

So the depression has started. First of all, i was like, I can not be gay cause gay people go to hell, meanwhile my best friends go to heaven? It was such a bad thing, I collapsed mentally, and the suicidal thoughts were the next. On the other hand i started to thinking about life. Whats the aim of life? Whats the point of existing? Whats the point of living? Whats the point of being moral, and I got fall into depression more.

Somehow I love underwater stuff so I decided, I will drown myself into the sea in summer. I can hold my breath for 30-40 secs then suffering for a minute, and its over!

Since this year I have not watched porn in any way, in order to clear out my mind,

and I talked one of my friend about it, and he was like, "You can be whatever you want, I will accept you" and it was the best thing that I heard. Later i told this 2 of my closest friends, one of them was like "ooookey, maybe not fully but i try to accept you", and it hurt me a lot, cause he is my best friend. I think he thought if I say im gay, i will wear pink clothes, with rainbow colored hair, and etc, but I said him, that i will not do anything that can make him ashamed or make him feeling embarrassing and his face was like, "ooh ahhah!. Now I get it." So I am sure, that he will accept me one day, if he sees that nothing will change.

The other friend was like, "Dont worry, I accept you, my point is to be happy".

On the top of that, I am really slient in connection with my parents. Like when one of them is around my room (its close to the bathroom) I immediatly put down Instagram/messenger on the computer cause as soon as they see a girl, they asks: "Who is she? Is she your gf?" AND it makes me annoyed af!

Also when im in the city and i go with a girl (like I acompany her to somewhere) i am afraid of being seen by my parents, and continously check the area!

And I am not even brave enough to go to swimming cause they would be: "oooowww. He would like to get in shape for someone. Who is she?" U get it I think, and nowadays I am even afraid to go to my grandma, cause once in a year she asks about girls, which drives me crazy again.

And now I am here, being almost 19 year old, without a gf, without any physical contact with girls, and confused about my feelings!

I have to think about boys, to "pitch up the tent" in my boxer, but once it is up, and I imagine there is a girl in most cases it is enough to keep my boner and sometimes it makes me even harder (the last one works like once out of 15).

Sometimes when I have boner and wanna think about a girl, my brain says "U r gay, u would not be able to **** with her" and dooooom, the boner gone. Maybe I have self esteem problems? Cause I have seen a pic in an advertisement where a girl sat on the guy boner and I get aroused by bit.

On the other hand, when I think about gay porn I get an erection, and even If see myself in the mirror in boxer, after 10 sec there is a tent in my boxer!!! WTF?

I have a strange fetish, like seeing someone drowning underwater makes me horny and it does not matter if its a she or he.

And I remember, when I was at the sea and only wore a boxer as soon as I dived into water, blowed out all the air, sinked to the bottom of the sea, I get 120% boner!

In most cases as soon as I jerk it off, my brain gets back to normal, moreover I think I have a crush on a girl. I love her voice, her smile, her attitude and she is cute. Like... I am attracted to her but not sexually.

What the hell is goin' on? I have read Near Death Experiences about gays and basically all of them said, like he is gay, but he was dead for 4 mins, and he come back like. "If you are a good person u go to heaven, it doesnt matter if u are gay, cause u were made by god".

I get erection underwater in 8/12 cases, attracted to a girl but not sexually. :/

I have never been kissed by a girl, and I got only 4 (?) hugs from them in all my life, and they tend to say, that porn and real life is absolutely different + i have read, that someone is addicted to gay porn despite he is straight.

I have watched normal porn ( that 10-20 sec) and now I see its sexy as the boy pushed his **** into that vagina, and she enjoyed it, and now as I have wrote it down the picture flashed to my eyes and get a boner.

I think I will like the normal porn too (i wont watch porn in this year), and gay porn as well, but I dont think I would like to see lesbian porn, like I need to "something goes somwhere" thing, like penis to vagina... :/

I dont know what to do, and how to do? What to feel and how to feel?

The girl I had a crush on invited me ice skating and I refused cause I dont want to tell my parents about it + my knees are not in perfect condition.

Do you have any ideas what is goin' on? I had a tough childhood. :frown:
You're gay
Reply 2
It is really hard to say. Im not you so i'll never know how you feel, however life is about exploring so it is really up to you for the most part.All in all, sexual orientation is a spectrum so no one is 100% the sexuality they are.I hope you figured it out
I honestly don't think straight people put so much thought into if they are gay. You probably like both! That is totally fine, it is something you need to figure out for yourself though.

Go out there and try relationships with both. Jerking off isn't going to be what decides it, you need actual human connection.

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