19 year old with autism with no friends? How can I start making friends? Watch

Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 10 months ago
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Hi everyone, this might be a bit long but if you have time to read and can offer some advice I really thank you!

Throughout my years at school I found it so hard to make friends because I was so shy and struggled so bad with my social skills because of my autism. And even when I got close to making a ‘friend’ I would always struggle maintaining that friend because I would start to become a bit controlling of that friend because I didn’t want that friend to make new friends. I wanted to be that person’s best friend and I couldn’t mentally deal with the fact that when I had a friend that that person would want to go and make other friends on top of me because it made me feel insignificant. So really all of my ‘friendships’ have turned sour because it’s always ended in arguments and I’m left with none.

Now I’m at the point where I’ve finished sixth form and I’m on a year out, about to go to uni this year. One of the things I’ve done on this year out is use friend making / dating apps to try to connect with people, find common interests and make a friend. Every time I mention the words ‘I don’t have any friends’ to someone then all of a sudden they don’t want to be my friend. There seems to be this stigma about having no friends and I find it really upsetting! I do pretty much everything on my own, I eat out at restaurants on my own, I go to the cinema on my own, I go to gigs on my own, I go to the pub on my own when I fancy a drink and everyone always gives me dirty looks for being by myself or says I’m weird if I end up in a conversation because it’s seen as unacceptable to have no friends.

It doesn’t matter how many interests I have in common with people, it seems no one wants to be my friend because of the fact I don’t have any friends right now! They think it must suggest I’m a really bad person.

I’m probably going to concede that I won’t make any friends on my year out. But I really am so desperate to make new friends at uni, I feel that socially I’ve improved to the point where I can talk to new people (but I’m still below average). I have lots of interests so I really hope I should be able to connect with people at uni, but as I said above it worries me that if I say to someone at uni ‘I don’t have any friends at the moment and I want to make friends at uni’ then they will turn against me for not being the social norm. I really want friends I can do stuff with, hang about with, go out with, I’d love to go to festivals but since I’ve no friends that impossible too.

What do you think about my situation? How will I be able to make friends when it seems everyone has this stigma against me for being a loner? Do things get easier at uni or will people still look down on me for arriving with no friends? It’s sad that so many people have this judgemental stigma. And also if I get to the position where I do make a friend how can I prevent myself from making past mistakes and getting upset when they start expanding their social network (it’s so hard for me because it feels people crowd me out when they do this)?

Thank you so much again!
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Azraall
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That sounds hard , my brother has autism and he struggles to make friends himself but that's usually because he can be very standoffish without realising it. Anyway I would suggest not mentioning you have no friends but if it comes up don't just be like heh I have no friends explain the reasoning without coming across as intimidating I imagine that would be hard but if I were in your shoes I would probably say Yea I have no friends because I'm not very social adept due to the autism or something like that unless of course you feel like that doesn't accurately sum up why you don't have any friends my main point is don't just tell them you have no friends explain why and yea 7/8 people out of 10 might decide not to be your friends based on that but the 3/2 other people will actually be able to appreciate your well quirks ? I guess thats a nice way of putting it. I think you probably need to work on the whole controlling issue a way that might help to look at it is that people can have a variety of best friends it doesn't necessarily need to be one best friend.

I don't know if any of this is actually helpful but I hope it helps.
TL;DR : Explain why you don't have friends so they can better understand , probably want to make them aware of your autism kinda depends on how comfortable with it and work on the controlling issue
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Azraall)
That sounds hard , my brother has autism and he struggles to make friends himself but that's usually because he can be very standoffish without realising it. Anyway I would suggest not mentioning you have no friends but if it comes up don't just be like heh I have no friends explain the reasoning without coming across as intimidating I imagine that would be hard but if I were in your shoes I would probably say Yea I have no friends because I'm not very social adept due to the autism or something like that unless of course you feel like that doesn't accurately sum up why you don't have any friends my main point is don't just tell them you have no friends explain why and yea 7/8 people out of 10 might decide not to be your friends based on that but the 3/2 other people will actually be able to appreciate your well quirks ? I guess thats a nice way of putting it. I think you probably need to work on the whole controlling issue a way that might help to look at it is that people can have a variety of best friends it doesn't necessarily need to be one best friend.

I don't know if any of this is actually helpful but I hope it helps.
TL;DR : Explain why you don't have friends so they can better understand , probably want to make them aware of your autism kinda depends on how comfortable with it and work on the controlling issue
Thank you for your help. It is tough because I’ve tried to explain to people before that my autism has meant I’ve struggled making friends over the years. Sadly it seems once I mention that I’m autistic too then it turns them against me even more because there’s a greater stigma with being friends with an autistic person. It’s a tough situation and I just wish there were so many nicer friendlier people on this world than there are
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Azraall
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Yea its a toughie I guess you just gotta keep trucking as it were eventually you'll get a small group of friends who appreciate who you are understand you and enjoy being your friend until then don't worry about it man it isn't the be all and end all
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Anonymous #2
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There is a simple solution. Don't look for 1 friend look for a group of friends it will probably allow you to be less jealous about other friends and hey going to a pub as a lads day out is better then going in twos. Oh and dont mention that you have no friends if you have to say you just moved to this location and are looking for new friends if its a lie its still better than saying i am lonely as **** plz be my friend.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
There is a simple solution. Don't look for 1 friend look for a group of friends it will probably allow you to be less jealous about other friends and hey going to a pub as a lads day out is better then going in twos. Oh and dont mention that you have no friends if you have to say you just moved to this location and are looking for new friends if its a lie its still better than saying i am lonely as **** plz be my friend.
I don’f necessarily look to be friends with one person, I obviously want to be in a group of friends however to join a very tight knit group would be near on impossible so that’s what I fear at uni - everyone being tight knit already
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Anonymous #1
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Has anyone else got any advice? Is anyone in a similar situation to me?
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IDOZ
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Hi everyone, this might be a bit long but if you have time to read and can offer some advice I really thank you!

Throughout my years at school I found it so hard to make friends because I was so shy and struggled so bad with my social skills because of my autism. And even when I got close to making a ‘friend’ I would always struggle maintaining that friend because I would start to become a bit controlling of that friend because I didn’t want that friend to make new friends. I wanted to be that person’s best friend and I couldn’t mentally deal with the fact that when I had a friend that that person would want to go and make other friends on top of me because it made me feel insignificant. So really all of my ‘friendships’ have turned sour because it’s always ended in arguments and I’m left with none.

Now I’m at the point where I’ve finished sixth form and I’m on a year out, about to go to uni this year. One of the things I’ve done on this year out is use friend making / dating apps to try to connect with people, find common interests and make a friend. Every time I mention the words ‘I don’t have any friends’ to someone then all of a sudden they don’t want to be my friend. There seems to be this stigma about having no friends and I find it really upsetting! I do pretty much everything on my own, I eat out at restaurants on my own, I go to the cinema on my own, I go to gigs on my own, I go to the pub on my own when I fancy a drink and everyone always gives me dirty looks for being by myself or says I’m weird if I end up in a conversation because it’s seen as unacceptable to have no friends.

It doesn’t matter how many interests I have in common with people, it seems no one wants to be my friend because of the fact I don’t have any friends right now! They think it must suggest I’m a really bad person.

I’m probably going to concede that I won’t make any friends on my year out. But I really am so desperate to make new friends at uni, I feel that socially I’ve improved to the point where I can talk to new people (but I’m still below average). I have lots of interests so I really hope I should be able to connect with people at uni, but as I said above it worries me that if I say to someone at uni ‘I don’t have any friends at the moment and I want to make friends at uni’ then they will turn against me for not being the social norm. I really want friends I can do stuff with, hang about with, go out with, I’d love to go to festivals but since I’ve no friends that impossible too.

What do you think about my situation? How will I be able to make friends when it seems everyone has this stigma against me for being a loner? Do things get easier at uni or will people still look down on me for arriving with no friends? It’s sad that so many people have this judgemental stigma. And also if I get to the position where I do make a friend how can I prevent myself from making past mistakes and getting upset when they start expanding their social network (it’s so hard for me because it feels people crowd me out when they do this)?

Thank you so much again!
Your not alone
I also find it hard to make friends - the only friends I have are in younger years so I can’t go through my homework with them
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Anonymous #1
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I guess I better ask would any of you be friends with someone who said to you ‘I don’t really have friends I’m just looking to make new ones’?

And also (I might create a separate thread for this) but why is there such a stigma against people who have no true friends and people that do everything alone?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I guess I better ask would any of you be friends with someone who said to you ‘I don’t really have friends I’m just looking to make new ones’?

And also (I might create a separate thread for this) but why is there such a stigma against people who have no true friends and people that do everything alone?
I guess I’m going to have to accept I’ll be a loner forever and I’ll never have friends... it’s such a hard situation to be in
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sxhxl
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I guess I’m going to have to accept I’ll be a loner forever and I’ll never have friends... it’s such a hard situation to be in
I'd be friends with you
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by sxhxl)
I'd be friends with you
Thank you, shall I message you?
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Chucke1992
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Who told you that you have autism? Inability to make friends has nothing to do with autism.

And why should you tell that you don't have any friends? Is it some welcome message or something?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Chucke1992)
Who told you that you have autism? Inability to make friends has nothing to do with autism.
Correct but it is a label for someone with a less socially developed brain than most people.

Diagnosed by a doctor when I was a baby
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Anonymous #3
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francesco?
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Chucke1992
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Correct but it is a label for someone with a less socially developed brain than most people.

Diagnosed by a doctor when I was a baby
I see. Though I wonder what can change if you couldn't make friends at school.
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sxhxl
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thank you, shall I message you?
Feel free to
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Zantedeschia
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I agree with what someone said here. Instead of saying you don't have any friends, simply say you're looking to make new friends. It's not a lie and it focusses on the positive which is good for both you and the potential friends Don't view it as something you lack but rather as something you could gain!
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Simbasoul
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I don't have autism, (but we have it in our family) but I would never go up to a group of people and lead with either I don't have any firends, or I am looking to make firends...it's not natural and comes across as a bit creepy - it may be that that is putting people off! Just go and talk to them - it will be easier at Uni as you are meeting new people with no preconceptions - you have something in common with them already - most people in the first year are not in a close knit groups of people - uni students may well be given a bad press as millenium snowflakes, but they are a lot more alert to things like autism and more understanding about it - you could make a joke and say, I'm sorry if I come across as a bit awkward or odd but my autism means I don't always understand everything, when you have started talking to them. Anne Hegerty has done a lot to raise awareness of autism and, one of the things that is very obvious is that autism does mean that you are a very loyal friend - this is the "needy" side (that you describe as controlling) - the fact that you are aware you do it is a real positive - keep that awareness and then you will know when it starts to happen.

Try and get out of the "woe is me, I'm destined to be alone for ever and ever" mentality. That is not an attractive vive in anyone - autistic or not.
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1hpremaining
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You seem so sweet!! I don't know why anyone wouldn't want to be your friend Huge loss for them IMO!
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