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Boyfriend slept with someone else while we were on a break? watch

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    Okay so this is A LONG STORY. Me and my boyfriend had been together for about 3 years, we moved in together in the September and everything was wonderful and I loved every second of it. Just before Christmas however I caught him flirting with a girl (a few years below him at uni). Now, flirting isn’t too scandalous, but the way he was talking to her made me uneasy, he also apparently went to a party and spent a lot of time with her (nothing happened). I confronted him about it and he apologised and said it was a stupid mistake and he didn’t mean it, he also said he’d cut her off because he only wanted me. Everything was great until about January. He flat out told me he might break up with me. I asked him why and he said because he was worried we’d been together for so long and he hadn’t got to experience “single life” and he needed space. Obviously I was heartbroken but I understood where he was coming from, we’d been together since he was 18 and I was 16. So, we mutually decided to go on a break. Anyway, a few days later I caught him talking to the same girl before Christmas, I asked him about it and he replied “yeah, we’re just talking like friends”, so I shrugged it off. BUT, I saw one of her messages pop up on his phone and they definitely were not talking like “friends”, which was fine since we were single but he still lied to me. After that though, we realised how miserable we both were, still living together but not being in a relationship so we decided to give it another go. Long story short I caught him talking to the same girl again, in MORE than a friendly way, even though we agreed we’d work on our relationship. I confronted him about it and ended the relationship officially. I moved out about a week after that, but we kept messaging as friends on facebook. Everything was going great again and we almost felt like a couple, until on Valentine’s Day he told me he had slept with that girl a couple of days after I moved out. He said he hated it and it only made him realise how much he wanted me, etc. He has now blocked her from Facebook and he seems to really be remorseful and he says he loves me and would marry me tomorrow if he could but I’m just not sure. I love him very much, but this whole thing has given me a different outlook on our relationship, on him as a person too. The girl he slept with also really really likes him, I know he doesn’t like her back but her friends seem to think that they could have been a good couple if he had wanted more. I KNOW that he loves me, but he has been hesitant to ask me to be his girlfriend again because he’s at drama school and he’s under a lot of pressure and “doesn’t want to the pressures of a relationship on top of that”??? It’s almost as if he’s convinced himself that relationships are doomed to be hard work. I know that I’d be happier if I was his girlfriend again, we are committed to each other atm but we don’t have that label and that makes me almost nervous. This whole thing has made me feel very insecure so I worry that someone (i.e the girl he slept with etc) might take advantage of that? It’s just strange. Because I really don’t know what I am to him at this moment in time. It’s almost as if we’re right back where we were in the beginning, in the talking stage before you ask someone out? But I just worry that the only reason he came back is because I was the safe option. He loves the idea of me but doesn’t actually want to be with me. But who knows? Am I crazy for taking him back? I’m a very forgiving person, and I’ve practically already forgiven him for everything he did but I can’t seem to forget, and it definitely isn’t helping my mental health by thinking about them together. I do absolutely love him and I can picture myself still having a future with him, but I just worry that we rushed back into things, but we still aren’t actually together so are we rushing at all? It’s all just very confusing? I’m just VERY CONFUSED!! I absolutely adore him but I just can’t stop thinking about this girl. He graduates in June, and I know for a fact everything will be great after that because he won’t have any contract with the girl at uni, and he won’t have the pressures of school, but I’m just worried we won’t last until then. I struggle with depression and anxiety and I get down quite a lot, I’m actively trying to help myself but he’s always been my go to source for support, but lately I know it’s been taking a toll on him and I worry he’ll end it completely because I’m too much of a liability, lmao! I am just very worried. We both love each other immensely but is loving each other enough?
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    He didn't cheat on you. He went to have sex with somebody else and had been thinking about it for a while, which is probably why he broke up with you.

    My guess? You aren't on a break. You're no longer together - At least in his mind - But he's telling you you're on a break because he doesn't want to deal with the drama of a break up and wants you around in case this doesn't work out.

    Harsh, but true.
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    (Original post by lpaigek)
    Okay so this is A LONG STORY. *snippety-blah*
    It isn't a long story at all. You were on a break. He did nothing wrong. Simple as that.
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    This is why "taking a break" is a stupid idea. He just wanted an excuse to see other people without officially breaking up with you. Who even says "I want to experience single life" and is being sincere about it?

    Then after breaking up, he wants to marry you. I don't even think he knows what he wants from this, things didn't work out with that girl and you were the Plan B. You have doubts about getting back, I think it says a lot about how the relationship could turn out if you were to get back with him. I think it's obvious here what to do, time to find someone else.
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    tbh what i think is that he only considers you as a safe choice. As he already "tasted" that girl, and she could not meet his standards then he turns to you as an alternative. i think this 3 years relationship isnt worth it. Eventho u guys broke up in short time but that he slept with that girl immediately is unacceptable. I think what he thinks is that you are quite easy to sympathise and forgive him so you guys easily back together. I am not in your shoes so cant know what u think. However, what I think is the best for you is to forget him and find someone else, who truly considers you at first place
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    Ending the relationship would be the best thing for your mental health honestly.
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    (Original post by ThatOldGuy)
    He didn't cheat on you. He went to have sex with somebody else and had been thinking about it for a while, which is probably why he broke up with you.

    My guess? You aren't on a break. You're no longer together - At least in his mind - But he's telling you you're on a break because he doesn't want to deal with the drama of a break up and wants you around in case this doesn't work out.

    Harsh, but true.
    Yeah, no, definitely he didn’t cheat. That makes sense, although I’m the one that broke up with him because I didn’t trust him! He actually didn’t even want to break up at all. We’re trying to work it out again right now, we tell each other we love each other and I’ve been staying at our house for about a week now and everything is fine I just can’t get rid of this little niggling feeling like everything is going to blow up in my face!
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    (Original post by lpaigek)
    Yeah, no, definitely he didn’t cheat. That makes sense, although I’m the one that broke up with him because I didn’t trust him! He actually didn’t even want to break up at all. We’re trying to work it out again right now, we tell each other we love each other and I’ve been staying at our house for about a week now and everything is fine I just can’t get rid of this little niggling feeling like everything is going to blow up in my face!
    You've already seen how things are going to go. Everything will be fine until he finds somebody else he's attracted to who is attracted to him. If you can live with that, great! If you can't, don't.
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    (Original post by ThatOldGuy)
    You've already seen how things are going to go. Everything will be fine until he finds somebody else he's attracted to who is attracted to him. If you can live with that, great! If you can't, don't.
    yeah, you’re definitely right. I’ll try and stick it out I guess. I want to talk to him about this kind of stuff but I feel like I just keep bringing up the past and that isn’t fair on him! Things are going okay at the moment, so I guess we’ll play it by ear! Thank you
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    (Original post by lpaigek)
    Okay so this is A LONG STORY. Me and my boyfriend had been together for about 3 years, we moved in together in the September and everything was wonderful and I loved every second of it. Just before Christmas however I caught him flirting with a girl (a few years below him at uni). Now, flirting isn’t too scandalous, but the way he was talking to her made me uneasy, he also apparently went to a party and spent a lot of time with her (nothing happened). I confronted him about it and he apologised and said it was a stupid mistake and he didn’t mean it, he also said he’d cut her off because he only wanted me. Everything was great until about January. He flat out told me he might break up with me. I asked him why and he said because he was worried we’d been together for so long and he hadn’t got to experience “single life” and he needed space. Obviously I was heartbroken but I understood where he was coming from, we’d been together since he was 18 and I was 16. So, we mutually decided to go on a break. Anyway, a few days later I caught him talking to the same girl before Christmas, I asked him about it and he replied “yeah, we’re just talking like friends”, so I shrugged it off. BUT, I saw one of her messages pop up on his phone and they definitely were not talking like “friends”, which was fine since we were single but he still lied to me. After that though, we realised how miserable we both were, still living together but not being in a relationship so we decided to give it another go. Long story short I caught him talking to the same girl again, in MORE than a friendly way, even though we agreed we’d work on our relationship. I confronted him about it and ended the relationship officially. I moved out about a week after that, but we kept messaging as friends on facebook. Everything was going great again and we almost felt like a couple, until on Valentine’s Day he told me he had slept with that girl a couple of days after I moved out. He said he hated it and it only made him realise how much he wanted me, etc. He has now blocked her from Facebook and he seems to really be remorseful and he says he loves me and would marry me tomorrow if he could but I’m just not sure. I love him very much, but this whole thing has given me a different outlook on our relationship, on him as a person too. The girl he slept with also really really likes him, I know he doesn’t like her back but her friends seem to think that they could have been a good couple if he had wanted more. I KNOW that he loves me, but he has been hesitant to ask me to be his girlfriend again because he’s at drama school and he’s under a lot of pressure and “doesn’t want to the pressures of a relationship on top of that”??? It’s almost as if he’s convinced himself that relationships are doomed to be hard work. I know that I’d be happier if I was his girlfriend again, we are committed to each other atm but we don’t have that label and that makes me almost nervous. This whole thing has made me feel very insecure so I worry that someone (i.e the girl he slept with etc) might take advantage of that? It’s just strange. Because I really don’t know what I am to him at this moment in time. It’s almost as if we’re right back where we were in the beginning, in the talking stage before you ask someone out? But I just worry that the only reason he came back is because I was the safe option. He loves the idea of me but doesn’t actually want to be with me. But who knows? Am I crazy for taking him back? I’m a very forgiving person, and I’ve practically already forgiven him for everything he did but I can’t seem to forget, and it definitely isn’t helping my mental health by thinking about them together. I do absolutely love him and I can picture myself still having a future with him, but I just worry that we rushed back into things, but we still aren’t actually together so are we rushing at all? It’s all just very confusing? I’m just VERY CONFUSED!! I absolutely adore him but I just can’t stop thinking about this girl. He graduates in June, and I know for a fact everything will be great after that because he won’t have any contract with the girl at uni, and he won’t have the pressures of school, but I’m just worried we won’t last until then. I struggle with depression and anxiety and I get down quite a lot, I’m actively trying to help myself but he’s always been my go to source for support, but lately I know it’s been taking a toll on him and I worry he’ll end it completely because I’m too much of a liability, lmao! I am just very worried. We both love each other immensely but is loving each other enough?

    Take it from me this is stupid, you two don’t belong with each other if this is how events transpired. Don’t fret, **** happens, move on and don’t hate anyone - life is easier this way. Just appreciate you’re likely to go through a few people who’re incompatible with you before you find someone who makes you realise what it means to be with someone who holds mutual love and respect for you. Then you will realise you could’ve/should’ve severed relationships which weren’t right for you sooner with literally no remorse.

    Ps, (and sorry if this doesn’t reflect your personality but I see a lot of people making this mistake) as a rule of thumb don’t engage in negative behaviours (drugs, drink, etc) when you’re feeling down as in the long run it makes you feel worse about yourself and will make you vulnerable. Engage in new hobbies (gym, walks, art, reading, running outdoors, painting, etc). I’m not anti drugs/drink etc - I believe these can amplify a good time - just not when you’re feeling like crap.

    I’m sorry if this reads as insensitive, I really am. My heart is with you and I do wish you all the best - have faith things will work out.
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    Don't ever, ever, ever go back to him tbh.
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    (Original post by XoloTopr)
    Take it from me this is stupid, you two don’t belong with each other if this is how events transpired. Don’t fret, **** happens, move on and don’t hate anyone - life is easier this way. Just appreciate you’re likely to go through a few people who’re incompatible with you before you find someone who makes you realise what it means to be with someone who holds mutual love and respect for you. Then you will realise you could’ve/should’ve severed relationships which weren’t right for you sooner with literally no remorse.

    Ps, (and sorry if this doesn’t reflect your personality but I see a lot of people making this mistake) as a rule of thumb don’t engage in negative behaviours (drugs, drink, etc) when you’re feeling down as in the long run it makes you feel worse about yourself and will make you vulnerable. Engage in new hobbies (gym, walks, art, reading, running outdoors, painting, etc). I’m not anti drugs/drink etc - I believe these can amplify a good time - just not when you’re feeling like crap.

    I’m sorry if this reads as insensitive, I really am. My heart is with you and I do wish you all the best - have faith things will work out.
    Ahh thank you. Yeah, it is really tough, a part of me knows we’d both be better off without each other but I still pay rent for our place that he lives in (he wouldn’t have been able to afford it without me), so I can’t even just drop contact lmao, it sucks. It’s hard because we really do love each other but a part of me definitely feels like we’re fighting a losing battle. Thank you for this! Yeah, I’m trying to still take care of myself despite my MI and everything, thank you! I appreciate all of this so so much
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    tbh what i think is that he only considers you as a safe choice. As he already "tasted" that girl, and she could not meet his standards then he turns to you as an alternative. i think this 3 years relationship isnt worth it. Eventho u guys broke up in short time but that he slept with that girl immediately is unacceptable. I think what he thinks is that you are quite easy to sympathise and forgive him so you guys easily back together. I am not in your shoes so cant know what u think. However, what I think is the best for you is to forget him and find someone else, who truly considers you at first place
    Thank you, yeah. I know I deserve so so much better than this, but he’s almost convinced me that he can give me the better that I deserve, but I’m scared it’s a little bit too late for that. Thank you
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    (Original post by TheUKAmerican)
    Don't ever, ever, ever go back to him tbh.
    I’d love to do that I’m just so insecure lmao, it’s dreadful!! I know it’ll all pass but he’s been my everything for a long time and it’s awful having to get used to being alone again, maybe that’s why I went back in the first place I guess? But thank you hahah, blunt and to the point, I dig it! Thank you
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    (Original post by lpaigek)
    I’d love to do that I’m just so insecure lmao, it’s dreadful!! I know it’ll all pass but he’s been my everything for a long time and it’s awful having to get used to being alone again, maybe that’s why I went back in the first place I guess? But thank you hahah, blunt and to the point, I dig it! Thank you
    It's not about being alone, it's about being free.
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    (Original post by UWS)
    This is why "taking a break" is a stupid idea. He just wanted an excuse to see other people without officially breaking up with you. Who even says "I want to experience single life" and is being sincere about it?

    Then after breaking up, he wants to marry you. I don't even think he knows what he wants from this, things didn't work out with that girl and you were the Plan B. You have doubts about getting back, I think it says a lot about how the relationship could turn out if you were to get back with him. I think it's obvious here what to do, time to find someone else.
    Yeah, I know he’d never do anything like this again but I do worry that I’m just his “safe option”. Thank you
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    (Original post by lpaigek)
    Yeah, I know he’d never do anything like this again but I do worry that I’m just his “safe option”. Thank you
    No, you don't. Getting back at this point could end in the same way like before.
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    (Original post by lpaigek)
    Yeah, I know he’d never do anything like this
    I bet you thought that before, too
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    (Original post by UWS)
    No, you don't. Getting back at this point could end in the same way like before.
    I suppose so.
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    Taking a break is usually an implicit way of saying you don't want to be together anymore...
 
 
 
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