English Creative Writing Opening

Hey guys,

I would like to know what is your opinion and what grade would you give based on this opening to my story:

"Dashed through the violent, frozen rains.

Panting with determination and heavily limping- only intensifying his purpose.

Grizzled grand master, had his destiny in front of him, yet shadowy rains did not resist his vision of his own son.

With each step he left a pressed crater in mire, reflecting his failed past abandoned behind him. Luke only perceived a darkish cloak flowing along with the vicious symphony of wind and storm but not the face of a boy he disheartened. His heart took colossal beats, begging to ferociously escape its owner but with no result. His temper had run out.

Abruptly he paused, gradually reaching his hand forward, Luke cried, "Stop- my child!"

The roar of his voice, breathy yet so fearsome, echoed in his son's ear as if it was an agony from past times. The mystical energy hurled by Luke, made Ben stand still- no motion, no expression, no voice and no emotions within him. Soaked trees, grass, and colossal rocks abnormally repulsed; nothing could withstand his dominant power.

There were only two left- a father and a son."