Boyfriend wants to move in but I'm not sure.

The thing about abusers is they never see their own behaviour as being abusive- in their heads, you've wronged them because you didn't give them what they wanted. They won't ever change. That's why you gotta leave asap. He might not harm you physically but emotionally, he's hurting you and making you think it's your fault. Tell someone close to you what's going on, Woman's Aid are a great service, check out their website. If he threatens to come to your home, tell him you're telling the police (which you may actually have to do.) He might act childish and twist your words, make things up, tell you you're at fault. Rise above it, you're strong. Cut him off, block him everywhere if it comes to that, just protect yourself and dont give in to his promises. Take screenshot evidence and try to keep all communication written so you can prove what he's said (my ex only sent his abuse to me via phone calls so i couldnt show it to anyone else).

I don't know, is this abuse? I'm not sure..

Hello,

My boyfriend currently lives in Holland and has lived there for three years, but he takes vacations in England. He has to move out in three months (the friend he lives with wants to sell the house) and so wants to move back to England.

However. He wants to move back in with me or very close to me. We've been dating since December and I really don't feel ready to move in with him. However, I don't want to just leave him all alone. He doesn't have a good relationship with his family and so it is unlikely he can move back in with them.

Over the past month we have been a bit rocky. If I'm honest, we always have been. He has a bit of an anger problem, but he always made me feel safe and made me smile at times so I fell for him.

I don't know how to tell him that I am not ready for this. I have told him before that this is worrying me and I am not sure and he didn't really say anything. It makes him angry when I bring up these topics, he questions me if I really love him and asks why I am so stubborn. I just really feel like if we did move in, I don't know if I'd always be happy. I think this is too soon in a relationship to move in with someone.

Any advice at all is welcomed. Thank you.

Hello,

My boyfriend currently lives in Holland and has lived there for three years, but he takes vacations in England. He has to move out in three months (the friend he lives with wants to sell the house) and so wants to move back to England.

However. He wants to move back in with me or very close to me. We've been dating since December and I really don't feel ready to move in with him. However, I don't want to just leave him all alone. He doesn't have a good relationship with his family and so it is unlikely he can move back in with them.

Over the past month we have been a bit rocky. If I'm honest, we always have been. He has a bit of an anger problem, but he always made me feel safe and made me smile at times so I fell for him.

I don't know how to tell him that I am not ready for this. I have told him before that this is worrying me and I am not sure and he didn't really say anything. It makes him angry when I bring up these topics, he questions me if I really love him and asks why I am so stubborn. I just really feel like if we did move in, I don't know if I'd always be happy. I think this is too soon in a relationship to move in with someone.

Any advice at all is welcomed. Thank you.

I've just read all your posts and what you're describing is definitely emotional abuse. He's attempting to manipulate you, control you, pressure you, make you feel guilty, push you into things you don't want to do. Every new post made me more and more dismayed at the way he behaves. And that's on top of the clear potential for physical abuse that comes with his anger problems. It's bad now, and he lives in a different country. Imagine what it'll be like if he lived nearby.

You sound like you're fully aware that this relationship is totally wrong for you, but your kindness is stopping you ending it. It's good to be a caring person, but even the nicest of us need to draw a line somewhere, and in this instance it sounds very much like your kindness is leaving you in a potentially dangerous situation.

What would being kind to yourself look like?

I don't want to make this come across as pathetic but it feels like I am still in love with this man but my life would be easier and happier without him.

What scares me, if I'm honest, is what life would be like if he wasn't around. I haven't known him very long but he showed an interest in me like no one has before.

But I know what I need to do. I don't want to be insensitive though, I have to do it in the right way.

He told me yesterday that I was the only person who he thinks is still beside him. Honestly, that broke my heart. I don't know how I can leave him. I don't know what to say. I have told him I am not ready but he ignores it. I need to do something soon though or it will be too late and too far down the line to change anything.

He is only 21, he doesn't have a good relationship with his mother, his father passed away when he was young, his sister doesn't like him because of his relationship with his mother. He only really has his friends, who he talks to a lot but they've all moved on a bit.

I don't know how I should do this.

Also. This isn't related but I made a facebook the other day and I searched him up and he has three accounts.

At first, I thought he was cheating on me. But one of them seems like his main account. One of them he only has two friends and the other all I can see is his profile picture. I'd thought I would share because I didn't know what to think.

I don't know if this is abuse. I don't know

It seems like

He cares a lot. I don't know whether it is that I like my independence a lot or is he being a bit controlling?

When I did first mention this, he said that I didn't love him like he loved me and that I didn't appreciate him.

When I mentioned it recently, he said that all he wants to do is build a life for us and that I'm coming in the middle of our dreams. And that, he doesn't have time to worry about things like I do and that it doesn't help the situation.

He always checks up on how I'm doing and he gets sad if I don't reply soon. He doesn't like it if I go out late, I don't go clubbing or anything but just to the library.

He said I'm not trusting him enough.

What I don't like is that he rushes me into some things. He always that in life we need to try new things to know what we like and that if we don't try, we won't know. It hurts me because it feels like he isn't thinking of my feelings.

I don't know, is this abuse? I'm not sure.

I've been thinking about this so much that I haven't been focusing on my exams. I don't know if I'm just whining and that I should be grateful. I just. I don't feel ready. Not yet.

I don't want to make this come across as pathetic but it feels like I am still in love with this man but my life would be easier and happier without him.

What scares me, if I'm honest, is what life would be like if he wasn't around. I haven't known him very long but he showed an interest in me like no one has before.

He is only 21, he doesn't have a good relationship with his mother, his father passed away when he was young, his sister doesn't like him because of his relationship with his mother. He only really has his friends, who he talks to a lot but they've all moved on a bit.

I don't know how I should do this.

It's common behaviour for an abuser to tell you you're the only one for him that he needs you, that he can't live without you. He'll try to make you think YOU can't live without him. He'll be nice when he wants something then make you feel so bad about yourself that you will start to feel no one else will want you like 'nice version' of him does. It's manipulation! Three accounts is suspicious, maybe he uses them to spy on people who may have blocked him in the past.
Please trust me, you're not the first girl he'll have treated this way and you won't be the last. He's textbook example of an abuser. Look up "Gas lighting", a term used to describe the behaviour when an abuser tells you you're crazy and makes you question your reality

I have looked up that term and I found something called ‘co-dependents’ and I feel like that sounds like me.

Not everything about it describes me but looking at a list on the CODA UK website – I saw a lot of myself in that list.

Am I a bad person?

I picked out the characteristics I think sound like me. And that scares me.

In terms of Denial Patters:

I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I mask my pain in various ways such as isolation.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:

I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behaviour over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve.
I have difficulty admitting that I made a mistake.
I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and will even lie to look good.
I look to others to provide my sense of safety.

Compliance Patterns:

I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.
I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
I accept sexual attention when I want love.
I make decisions without regard to the consequences.
I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.

I don’t know what to do. I didn’t think I was hurting anyone, but I do show signs of these characteristics. Should I try and get some help?
Am I overthinking?

Please don't doubt yourself and your feelings! I think you've come looking for help with this situation because you know something about him isn't right. I used to post online and talk and talk to my friends over and over again about things my ex did to me, things I knew he was lying about, his insane behaviour of twisting everything and getting angry over nothing, how he'd say and do things just to hut me! I kept wanting there to be a solution, something I could do better, to stop "*****ing" at him and do what he wants but that won't make the situation right. You need to put yourself first.

You could make a list of what you want in life, what character traits in a partner you want and ones you absolutely don't want (if he makes you cry and feel anxious, doubting yourself, that's a big danger). You're still so young and there will be loads of better relationships, just because this one man has said he will spend his life with you and makes you feel like he won't ever leave, doesn't mean that's a good thing. I think he sees you as being someone he can walk all over, rather than live as an equal to you. I'm recognising loads of bad traits in him from what you've said, others on the site can see that too. Abusers don't usually show their nasty side right away, it's normally approx half a year in, or when things get serious and you feel trapped, that they really flip.

We talked about everything yesterday. I brought up this again and he got upset with me. We have talked about this a lot now. He said he doesn’t know why I am worrying anymore, because we have decided that he isn’t moving in with me. He is planning to move to the area, but I still feel like. I don’t want that to happen yet. He said that I don’t have anything to worry about now, because he won’t be living with me. He said not to bring up this worry again, and that I should be more positive about things.

The only thing I don’t like about him is that he gets angry quite quickly. And it seems like he doesn’t listen to everything I say.

I do wish I could have someone nicer in my life sometimes.

After yesterday, I don’t know if I’m just whining over little things and that I should just deal with this?

I wish this would disappear sometimes. He makes me happy sometimes, but I don’t like this constant anxiety and worry.
I know that he can smooth me over with what he says.

We talked about everything yesterday...