The Student Room Group

I’m a secret from my boyfriend’s Muslim family.

Hello,

I have been with my boyfriend, a Muslim, for 3 years - I have no religion.

I have been a secret the entire time, although his mother has found presents or cards that I have given him, and questioned his siblings (who are lovely and are aware of our relationship) about him having a girlfriend. He’s round mine very often, as all my family are aware (even my rather old fashioned grandparents) and adore him!

I have changed many aspects of my life to be more suitable, I have stopped eating pork, try to eat halal, and have done lots of reading about Islam both online and from books. I’ve also spoken to Muslim friends who have been really helpful and brutally honest that it won’t be easy at all.

I know our relationship is wrong, but I love him so much and we have planned a future together; to get married and raise (Muslim) children.

It hurts that the only bad thing about me is the cultural difference. I’m Head Girl at my school, targeted AAB, do volunteering and have a part time job. I’m not a very bad person so it’s upsetting to know that I will be pushed out despite this.

Since his father is not around (his parent’s arranged marriage failed, they’re divorced) I also fear the repercussions on his family as they are already not looked highly upon - they don’t deserve that, but I don’t want to lose him.

I suppose all I really want is to have a good relationship with his mother, but I know this is unlikely. How long would you wait for him to tell her, and what else can I except apart from the obvious?
Are you White?
Id say wait and focus on getting your place at your uni etc... As thats whats gonna matter/effect your life the most imo
that dude must look like zayn malik to get a non muslim girl to stop eating pork and look into islam
Original post by Anonymous
Hello,

I have been with my boyfriend, a Muslim, for 3 years - I have no religion.

I have been a secret the entire time, although his mother has found presents or cards that I have given him, and questioned his siblings (who are lovely and are aware of our relationship) about him having a girlfriend. He’s round mine very often, as all my family are aware (even my rather old fashioned grandparents) and adore him!

I have changed many aspects of my life to be more suitable, I have stopped eating pork, try to eat halal, and have done lots of reading about Islam both online and from books. I’ve also spoken to Muslim friends who have been really helpful and brutally honest that it won’t be easy at all.

I know our relationship is wrong, but I love him so much and we have planned a future together; to get married and raise (Muslim) children.

It hurts that the only bad thing about me is the cultural difference. I’m Head Girl at my school, targeted AAB, do volunteering and have a part time job. I’m not a very bad person so it’s upsetting to know that I will be pushed out despite this.

Since his father is not around (his parent’s arranged marriage failed, they’re divorced) I also fear the repercussions on his family as they are already not looked highly upon - they don’t deserve that, but I don’t want to lose him.

I suppose all I really want is to have a good relationship with his mother, but I know this is unlikely. How long would you wait for him to tell her, and what else can I except apart from the obvious?


If he's really serious about the relationship then he would be willing to let his mum/family about you, despite the differences.
Original post by Anonymous
Hello,

I have been with my boyfriend, a Muslim, for 3 years - I have no religion.

I have been a secret the entire time, although his mother has found presents or cards that I have given him, and questioned his siblings (who are lovely and are aware of our relationship) about him having a girlfriend. He’s round mine very often, as all my family are aware (even my rather old fashioned grandparents) and adore him!

I have changed many aspects of my life to be more suitable, I have stopped eating pork, try to eat halal, and have done lots of reading about Islam both online and from books. I’ve also spoken to Muslim friends who have been really helpful and brutally honest that it won’t be easy at all.

I know our relationship is wrong, but I love him so much and we have planned a future together; to get married and raise (Muslim) children.

It hurts that the only bad thing about me is the cultural difference. I’m Head Girl at my school, targeted AAB, do volunteering and have a part time job. I’m not a very bad person so it’s upsetting to know that I will be pushed out despite this.

Since his father is not around (his parent’s arranged marriage failed, they’re divorced) I also fear the repercussions on his family as they are already not looked highly upon - they don’t deserve that, but I don’t want to lose him.

I suppose all I really want is to have a good relationship with his mother, but I know this is unlikely. How long would you wait for him to tell her, and what else can I except apart from the obvious?


I understand your frustrations but as a guy with Muslim family myself I know first hand how difficult these sort of things are with a Muslim family because of the very very different cultures. You sound like you have a really good relationship but I know that this guy will be feeling hurt that he can't be honest with his parents about something so personal because I and many other people face similar problems. I can't really say what will happen in the future but it will be difficult for him because of the nature of Muslim families.
There might be a chance his mum could approve. Maybe because of how her marriage failed with his dad, she might not want her son to go through an arranged marriage since it didn't work out well with her. And so she could be more inclined to let her son marry whoever he wants. And his siblings could work together to persuade her also. idk though. And you seem like the type of girl any woman would want as their daughter in law. But he does need to speak to his mum and let her know how he feels.
Reply 7
Hi guys, thanks for the reply. To answer questions, yes I am white haha. I have a place at the University I wanted to go to, for teaching.

And I know it hurts him not to tell his family, he gets really stressed out as he does want to be honest, but I feel bad pushing him about it. I assume (and hope) his siblings will try to help out if/when he tells her. I believe she isn’t pushing arranged marriage on him due to her own failed one, yes.

I just get really upset about it all and am wondering what the future holds I guess!
Honestly I know where you are coming from, I am a 24 year old muslim man and had been with my partner for 3 years (She's 25), and she is a white athiest with two kids. It presented a huge hurdle for me and I did not tell my mother for atleast the majority of the relationship. It was only when she found pictures on facebook of us (she doesn't have either of us as friends) that I came clean and explained that I wanted to marry her. However, because of the relationship circumstances ( she had cheated on me a few times) and her background (she was not employed or educated) and the fact that she had two kids from previous relationships, my family were reluctant. However instead of telling me what to do, my mother and I sat down and discussed long term prospects of the relationship, how our kids would be brought up etc and I realised that the relationship would have bigger problems down the line which in my 3 year period with her we did not sit and discuss in detail. I understand being kept a secret it hard but it does not mean that your partner isn't proud of being with you, but let him work out the best way to break it to his family as every muslim family is different (some being more conservative whilst others are relaxed). Just stick by him and evidence all the reading/learning you have been doing towards Islam and what things you have given up, as this will show his mother that you are serious and committed to him, your future as a couple and the religion. It's a big plus that his siblings know and that if they like you it is a bonus for when your boyfriend tells his mother. Best of luck with it and I hope it works out for you two!
Reply 9
girl look i am a muslim myself
and look this is how it works
a muslim boy can marry a non muslim but it doesnt work that way if it was a girl. i am sure you already know this from the muslim friends you talked about

and from what you said i can see that he has a very good inbact on you so that you are trying to cjange ( for the good )

so just try to iuntroduce yourself to his mother a little by little
and i am sure she will like you




god pless you two :smile:
Original post by haaris.butt
Honestly I know where you are coming from, I am a 24 year old muslim man and had been with my partner for 3 years (She's 25), and she is a white athiest with two kids. It presented a huge hurdle for me and I did not tell my mother for atleast the majority of the relationship. It was only when she found pictures on facebook of us (she doesn't have either of us as friends) that I came clean and explained that I wanted to marry her. However, because of the relationship circumstances ( she had cheated on me a few times) and her background (she was not employed or educated) and the fact that she had two kids from previous relationships, my family were reluctant. However instead of telling me what to do, my mother and I sat down and discussed long term prospects of the relationship, how our kids would be brought up etc and I realised that the relationship would have bigger problems down the line which in my 3 year period with her we did not sit and discuss in detail. I understand being kept a secret it hard but it does not mean that your partner isn't proud of being with you, but let him work out the best way to break it to his family as every muslim family is different (some being more conservative whilst others are relaxed). Just stick by him and evidence all the reading/learning you have been doing towards Islam and what things you have given up, as this will show his mother that you are serious and committed to him, your future as a couple and the religion. It's a big plus that his siblings know and that if they like you it is a bonus for when your boyfriend tells his mother. Best of luck with it and I hope it works out for you two!


I’m sorry to hear that, although I’m sure it worked out better for you as nobody deserves to be cheated on! Thank you :smile:
Original post by hol2404
Hi guys, thanks for the replies again! Haaris sorry to hear that. And thank you Hamas, yes they have told me that! I’m sure it will work out for us, just not easily! :smile:


You're not anonymous anymore...
Sorry, but I believe it's only limited to non-muslims that are christian or jewish, but i agree with you this guy seems to great influence and commend her even more so for her efforts in doing good. Anonymous 1, with the ways things seem to be going I encourage you to keep the reading up! If your interest in islam keeps growing, you could make it work out and remove those difficulties by becoming a muslimah (of course, no pressure). Hope for you the best
Original post by Anonymous

I have changed many aspects of my life to be more suitable, I have stopped eating pork, try to eat halal, and have done lots of reading about Islam both online and from books. I’ve also spoken to Muslim friends who have been really helpful and brutally honest that it won’t be easy at all.

I know our relationship is wrong, but I love him so much and we have planned a future together; to get married and raise (Muslim) children.


:facepalm:

you're making all these changes for him but in return he can't even pluck up the courage to introduce you to his family. Sweetheart - hes just feeding you a pack of lies if hes telling you that hes not saying anything out of fear of repercussions - cold hard truth is you don't mean that much to him. THATS why hes not telling his family. and is probably not ever going to tell them. get some self respect and dump and move on.
In Islam, a Muslim is not allowed to marry a non-Muslim, regardless. However, due date o culture and the appreciation of boys in a lot of cultures results in the fact that boys get away with more stuff than girls.e.g. Marrying girls who aren’t from ther culture or religion, while girls get into a heap loads of crap for it.

I personally think that having ‘secret relationships’ is very common within Muslim people because 1) fear of family 2) guilt of sinning and more. You’re not alone. However, I believe that if you stick with him and maybe times will get better and time may favour you.


I’m sure, if he introduced you as his friend at first, then maybe situations would change,e.g. after a few months explain to mum that he really likes you, how much you favour the religion and are interested, blah blah blah.

&..

She’ll eventually agree.


If it’s meant to be, then it will be!

kun faya kun’ darling x
Original post by hol2404
Hi guys, thanks for the replies again! Haaris sorry to hear that. And thank you Hamas, yes they have told me that! I’m sure it will work out for us, just not easily! :smile:


Anonymous fail
hehe
Original post by Anonymous #1
Hello,

I have been with my boyfriend, a Muslim, for 3 years - I have no religion.

I have been a secret the entire time, although his mother has found presents or cards that I have given him, and questioned his siblings (who are lovely and are aware of our relationship) about him having a girlfriend. He’s round mine very often, as all my family are aware (even my rather old fashioned grandparents) and adore him!

I have changed many aspects of my life to be more suitable, I have stopped eating pork, try to eat halal, and have done lots of reading about Islam both online and from books. I’ve also spoken to Muslim friends who have been really helpful and brutally honest that it won’t be easy at all.

I know our relationship is wrong, but I love him so much and we have planned a future together; to get married and raise (Muslim) children.

It hurts that the only bad thing about me is the cultural difference. I’m Head Girl at my school, targeted AAB, do volunteering and have a part time job. I’m not a very bad person so it’s upsetting to know that I will be pushed out despite this.

Since his father is not around (his parent’s arranged marriage failed, they’re divorced) I also fear the repercussions on his family as they are already not looked highly upon - they don’t deserve that, but I don’t want to lose him.

I suppose all I really want is to have a good relationship with his mother, but I know this is unlikely. How long would you wait for him to tell her, and what else can I except apart from the obvious?
Hi, just want to follow up with how did it go with you and your boyfriend?😊

Latest

Trending

Trending