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Can someone mark my creative writing?

I am trying to improve my creating writing description so cany anyone mark this and give me feedback.

The picture I used was of some fireworks and people celebrating



My writing :


Dark. Cold. Silent. Walking through people silently who are waiting for the new year. Shouting and laughing people who are excited; smell of the air is fresh and smooth. Dogs are barking, children crying. Sparkling rockets fly up in the air and go boom!

Bright and tall buildings, people looking outside through there apartments. Trees glaring at what is happening. The delicious smell of food. Food is cooked for people to eat and enjoy the night. Shops selling merchandise. Decorated houses shining with bright lights on them. Clouds and stars gazing down on everything.

Walking further there are bright and tall building, inside them, there are people with excitement and people with rage. Some people are not having a good night. Windows shut, doors closed, people who don,t have anyone to celebrate new years with.

News channels in front of the bright and tall buildings recording and reporting everything for the whole world to watch. Tourists coming to this place to celebrate the new years. After a while, everyone calms down and there is peace and silent.

Dogs are feeling cold and restless from all the standing. Barking loudly to express their emotions of joy but no one cares. Dogs are like stones to everyone, unnoticed material. Grains of sand on the floor. Wind accelerating at the speed of light past people.

The newspaper being handed out early, the headline says: grandparents killed their own children, peoples nigh ruined by reading this headline. Who would do such a thing!

This place is really dark, cold and silent.
(edited 5 years ago)
Found a mistake "through their* apartments"

good similies used
Reply 2
Original post by garry12345
Found a mistake "through their* apartments"

good similies used


thanks. And which simile are you talking about?
Moved to English study help, please try to put your threads in the right forum.
Reply 4
Original post by garry12345
Found a mistake "through their* apartments"

good similies used


It was meant to say stones. srry
Original post by Zaspo
It was meant to say stones. srry


grave mistake! I'm going to have to give you a mark of 1/10
the mark you have been given is lower than the sea level
Original post by Zaspo
I am trying to improve my creating writing description so cany anyone mark this and give me feedback.

The picture I used was of some fireworks and people celebrating



My writing :


Dark. Cold. Silent. Walking through people silently who are waiting for the new year. Shouting and laughing people who are excited; smell of the air is fresh and smooth. Dogs are barking, children crying. Sparkling rockets fly up in the air and go boom!

Bright and tall buildings, people looking outside through there apartments. Trees glaring at what is happening. The delicious smell of food. Food is cooked for people to eat and enjoy the night. Shops selling merchandise. Decorated houses shining with bright lights on them. Clouds and stars gazing down on everything.

Walking further there are bright and tall building, inside them, there are people with excitement and people with rage. Some people are not having a good night. Windows shut, doors closed, people who don,t have anyone to celebrate new years with.

News channels in front of the bright and tall buildings recording and reporting everything for the whole world to watch. Tourists coming to this place to celebrate the new years. After a while, everyone calms down and there is peace and silent.

Dogs are feeling cold and restless from all the standing. Barking loudly to express their emotions of joy but no one cares. Dogs are like stones to everyone, unnoticed material. Grains of sand on the floor. Wind accelerating at the speed of light past people.

The newspaper being handed out early, the headline says: grandparents killed their own children, peoples nigh ruined by reading this headline. Who would do such a thing!

This place is really dark, cold and silent.


Original post by Zaspo
I am trying to improve my creating writing description so cany anyone mark this and give me feedback.

The picture I used was of some fireworks and people celebrating



My writing :


Dark. Cold. Silent. Walking through people silently who are waiting for the new year. Shouting and laughing people who are excited; smell of the air is fresh and smooth. Dogs are barking, children crying. Sparkling rockets fly up in the air and go boom!

Bright and tall buildings, people looking outside through there apartments. Trees glaring at what is happening. The delicious smell of food. Food is cooked for people to eat and enjoy the night. Shops selling merchandise. Decorated houses shining with bright lights on them. Clouds and stars gazing down on everything.

Walking further there are bright and tall building, inside them, there are people with excitement and people with rage. Some people are not having a good night. Windows shut, doors closed, people who don,t have anyone to celebrate new years with.

News channels in front of the bright and tall buildings recording and reporting everything for the whole world to watch. Tourists coming to this place to celebrate the new years. After a while, everyone calms down and there is peace and silent.

Dogs are feeling cold and restless from all the standing. Barking loudly to express their emotions of joy but no one cares. Dogs are like stones to everyone, unnoticed material. Grains of sand on the floor. Wind accelerating at the speed of light past people.

The newspaper being handed out early, the headline says: grandparents killed their own children, peoples nigh ruined by reading this headline. Who would do such a thing!

This place is really dark, cold and silent.



Just marking the things that could be altered..constructive criticism ok?

Line 1 ...Silent and silently too close together. Choose another descriptive word for silently.

Smell of the air is fresh and smooth...Smooth is a texture not a smell. Choose another word.

It should be Their apartments not there

Shops selling merchandise is boring, it describes nothing. Try Shops selling a scintillating array of colourful merchandise”.

Double repetition of bright and tall buildings. Choose another description for the 2nd one.

Should be New Year” or New Years Eve not New Years.

There is peace and silence ..not silent ...but you are overusing the silent word frequently.

The Dogs like stone” sentence is very awkward. Unnoticed material just doesn’t work in this context.

I don’t understand the news headline and what it is trying to say in context. After grandparents killing their children the rest is all wrong.

You end as you started on dark, cold and silent but it is not a dramatic ending. It needs far more description.


Hope this helps. I write a column in a newspaper so do have experience in this field.

Best of luck!
Reply 7
Original post by Bernadette04
Just marking the things that could be altered..constructive criticism ok?

Line 1 ...Silent and silently too close together. Choose another descriptive word for silently.

Smell of the air is fresh and smooth...Smooth is a texture not a smell. Choose another word.

It should be Their apartments not there

Shops selling merchandise is boring, it describes nothing. Try Shops selling a scintillating array of colourful merchandise”.

Double repetition of bright and tall buildings. Choose another description for the 2nd one.

Should be New Year” or New Years Eve not New Years.

There is peace and silence ..not silent ...but you are overusing the silent word frequently.

The Dogs like stone” sentence is very awkward. Unnoticed material just doesn’t work in this context.

I don’t understand the news headline and what it is trying to say in context. After grandparents killing their children the rest is all wrong.

You end as you started on dark, cold and silent but it is not a dramatic ending. It needs far more description.


Hope this helps. I write a column in a newspaper so do have experience in this field.

Best of luck!


You work in a newspaper industry?

Maybe you could also help me on writing how to persuade?
Original post by Zaspo
You work in a newspaper industry?

Maybe you could also help me on writing how to persuade?


If you write something, I can offer to look at it and correct it, or add to it as I have above. I don’t mind helping out on occasion as creative writing is a great skill for young people to acquire.

Writing to persuade is a practised art...and I am still learning at my age!
Reply 9
Original post by Bernadette04
If you write something, I can offer to look at it and correct it, or add to it as I have above. I don’t mind helping out on occasion as creative writing is a great skill for young people to acquire.

Writing to persuade is a practised art...and I am still learning at my age!


How old are you?
Original post by Zaspo
How old are you?






Middle aged!
Reply 11
Original post by Zaspo
How old are you?


This is also creative writing peace.

The picture I used was of a beach

My writing:
Calm. Peaceful. Smooth. Walking on the beach water splashing; rocks are talking. Utterly amazing smell of the wind. Wind accelerating past me at the speed of light. At the far corner of the horizon mountains can be seen glaring at this beautiful place. Boats floating on top of the ocean.




On top of the mountain you can see a house build with antique bricks; the bricks are a beige colour. When you walk inside the house it has broken furniture, door and windows are so antique that they are creaking and groaning. One of the windows is broken into one pieces screaming at me to put it back together. I can hear cows “mooing” I don, t know where it is coming from! From my head or outside? I steadily walk outside the house to check and it was in my head.




Creeped out I run to try to get away from the haunted house. Running and running lost my way back I came to an abandoned factory, it has a massive red colour name on it. Although this factory is abandoned the walls are new but the walls are as clean as a queens carpet. Slowly walking as I glare down to my feet, I accidentally stepped on a newspaper which had a title, the head line said: Grandparents killed their own grandchildren. Terrified by the title I kicked the newspaper and came outside the factory where their was a car, the car doesn’t seem to belong here. It is wrecked like it has been smashed in to a million pieces.




Trying to find my way back I see a boat resting against a dock, it is made from a material I have never seen before, it looks priceless, it is shining and it is talking to me. Silently stepping inside I started to steer the boat and I could see the whole ocean from here, After a while I cam back to the place where I stated I came back to the beach.




The beach is soft smooth and silent.
Thnx for this. I'll submit it as my own in the morning before you.

Saved me some time and an all nighter.
Reply 13
Original post by NonIndigenous
Thnx for this. I'll submit it as my own in the morning before you.

Saved me some time and an all nighter.


Really?
Original post by Zaspo
Really?


Nah, not really. Maybe a cruel joke if you're under stress.
Reply 15
?
Original post by NonIndigenous
Nah, not really. Maybe a cruel joke if you're under stress.


Do you do coursework for English?
Original post by Zaspo
?

Do you do coursework for English?


No lol. I'm finishing my MSc in engineering at university in a few months.
Reply 17
Original post by NonIndigenous
No lol. I'm finishing my MSc in engineering at university in a few months.


Oh

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