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I think I need help

I just typed up a massive explanation of where I'm at but lost it all so here we go again.

I'm in my second year of university at the moment and for the most part things were going good. I made a group of friends and through them met a girl and developed a relationship. In retrospect the relationship had problems but I was still happy. The one thing holding me back though is that ever since moving to university I've been experiencing what I can only expect to be some form of social anxiety. I've not spoken to anyone professionally so I don't want to diagnose myself or anything but I find it incredibly exhausting to be around unfamiliar people and as a result avoid it. I also experience nausea in my stomach when I'm forced to sit in the middle of a row in lectures, I find it hard to focus on anything and I basically have to sit there feeling like I'm going to throw up for 20 minutes until I calm down. This was usually done by texting my ex. I think this why I've found it so hard to make course mates, I had to leave lectures a lot at the beginning of university. I think a large reason why our relationship broke down was me going through periods of feeling inadequate and jealous when I really didn't need to. It was unfair on her but I really couldn't help it.

We broke up around 3 weeks ago because of something I did drunk. I have no memory of what happened but it was vile and I'd rather not discuss the specifics. 3 days after it happened we broke up at 3am over text. I think the fact that I have no memory of what happened and the break up was over text is a large reason why I'm struggling to process that we're not together anymore. Since breaking up we didn't speak for a week, after which she messaged me saying that she didn't want to throw away our friendship because we didn't work out and that if she could rewind to last year (we dated for 11 months) she would. We continued speaking for 2 and a half weeks but after coming back to University we fell out. I think this was because I'd largely failed to internalize and accept the fact that we're not together anymore due to the circumstances of the break up. Ever since falling out again I've felt so so low. I have no motivation, I've not eaten a proper meal in 3 days, I go through periods of just wanting to sleep and not interact with people. I find no interest in doing what I'd usually enjoyed doing and I can't focus on my work. I was up until 6:30am last night and purposefully skipped my lecture this morning, something I've never done before. I even have intrusive thoughts about ending my life or harming myself, which when I put it down into words seems so ridiculous because I don't think I ever would, but there we go. I've sent her a long message explaining where I'm at mentally and that if she wants to be my friend like she says then that's what I really need right now. She's not replied since seeing it which is fair enough but I just, don't know what to do. I'm worried that when I speak to a professional they're going to tell me there's nothing wrong with me and that it just turns out I'm a ****. I don't want to be a bad person, I never meant to hurt her :frown:

I don't have any close friends of my own and I'm finding university such a lonely place. I just feel so empty, I just need someone to care and someone to help me :frown:

Bump

Always talk to a professional. Explain clearly how you feel and they WILL help. Life after a breakup is really tough, no matter how long and only time will heal you. It sounds hard to cope with but from personal experience, it’s true. If she wants to be in our life, she will make an effort. Don’t chase someone who doesn’t respect you and how you’re feeling.