Grade My English Language Narrative Story Please

I wrote this story. Please could someone mark it and give it a grade and any feedback.

I'm looking to write this story in the actual GCSE English Language paper or maybe change it a bit depending in the type of title or choices we can relate the story about. So i'm hoping something about the choice or the storm comes up.

Thanks.

Title: The Choice

The sky was black with clouds as I drove down the lonely country lane, suffocated by the high hedges on either side. My car had been making a clanking sound for the last 10 miles and I knew it wouldn’t last much longer.
The rain began to hammer down when my car finally died, and the sky was cut by lightning. My heart sank when I checked my phone and saw that I had no signal. Sighing, I dragged my raincoat off the back seat and stepped out into the raging storm. Shielding my eyes from the stinging rain, I searched the area for another car, a phone box, a house lit by friendly lights but could see nothing. The only thing I could do was walk through the ferocious weather to try and find some shelter…I had no other choice.

The lane was like a river, and the water was already up to my ankles, I began to get very frightened. There was nothing and no-one I could see that would help me. As I turned a corner, I was faced with just another empty road in the middle of nowhere. The rain was still lashing down and my ears were deafened by great rolls of thunder. I desperately looked left and right and shouted with joy at the sight of a driveway covered by an arch of stones with stone dragons on either side. This was my only choice

Immediately, the hairs went up on the back of my neck. The only light came from the flashes of lightning slicing through the gigantic window at the top of the stairs; all the furniture was covered in white dust sheets and the walls were draped with cobwebs. The only clean things in this frightful place were a white door on my left and a black door on my right.

My skin prickled as I heard a rattle like chains being dragged over gravestones coming from deep within the house. I needed to find a working phone very quickly. I had to make a choice – the white door or the black door? My heart was nearly beating out of my chest as I was sure the metallic dragging sound was getting louder and louder

Another stab of lightning lit the room and suddenly the dust sheets seemed to take on a life of their own; the wind gusted through like a devil’s breath. The white door or the black door? I frantically turned left and right, sure that my life was in danger if I made the wrong choice. The white door or the black door. The wind cried again. The terrible sound was so loud.

I finally made my choice and reached out my hand…

Reply 1

Alexbrookd

What grade do you think this is?

grade 9

I think phones and computers are just as good as each other Beacuse they can both be used to get in touch with family and friends the only better is about a phone is that you call someone on it with a laptop you can't. Also they both can go on the internet and you can find stuff out. But the better thing about computers are that they are biger and that you don't have to Stran your eys like you do on a phone. Over all I think they are both good for different resons

Reply 4

Spodmore20

I think phones and computers are just as good as each other Beacuse they can both be used to get in touch with family and friends the only better is about a phone is that you call someone on it with a laptop you can't.
Also they both can go on the internet and you can find stuff out.
But the better thing about computers are that they are biger and that you don't have to Stran your eys like you do on a phone.
Over all I think they are both good for different resons

Reply 5

Spodmore20

Question 1
Stretcher bearers face the great difficulty moving through the mad because their feet would have been getting stuck in the mud.
And it would take a long time to get the patient to the clearing station.
Feature two stretcher bearers also had difficulty because it took 4 Men to carry the stretcer this meant that they couldn't get the angels soldier to the base hospital quick enough.
Question 2 sources question
Source a shows tells us about a soldiers knowledge of the ingers what happened in the world war one Henry Buckle also tells us about the difficulties that the stretcher bearers faced getting the patients to the clearing station quick enough .
Using my own knowledge I know that it took the stretcher bearers a a long time to get thogh the mud to take the patient to the base Hospital .
Also in a phased problems with possibly getting shot on the battlefield this knowledge means that it's a primary source because he experienced it but on the other hand you can't argue that is a secondary source because he typed it after the war had ended
We can take this as a reliable source because he actually experience what happened in the war and he faced injuries him self in the war like his damaged leg this showas that he knows what he is talking about because he is actually telling us about what happened to him so why would he make it up.

Henry buckle also says that are stretchy people were busy and that we had to get back our sleds and that it took all night to get back to the barn . He also says that ramc came in but was able to fix them up . But why could the ramc not fix them up what where they doing ? They should have been trained to look after and treat the soldiers.
S source B is a primary source and reliable as it was taken at the time of the war it shows us the amount of soldiers being carried on the stretcher bearers. Although using my own knowledge I know that that the injured soldiers would not have bean laying on the stretcher bearers for long Beacuse they would need to keep moving for injured soldiers to take them to the base hospital before they die.
Also why were the stretcher people so busy when they should have been treating wounded soldiers and taking them to the base Hospital why did the ramc not treat any of the Soldiers
On the other hand the REM she could have been busy treating other soldiers but they still prove that the ramc were bad and what they were doing

Question 3 study source a how could you follow up source a to find out more about the system for dealing with soldiers.
Number one
Detail in Source a that I would flow up
Why did it take so long for the ramc to treat soldiers injuries.
Number 2 question I would ask
How many wounded soldiers were there
Was the ramc busy in 1915 then in World War 1
Number 3 what type of sauce I could use
Record office

Garde this please

Reply 6

emilyhaworthx

It’s really good, but honestly I would steer clear from learning a story off by heart, and just go in with vague ideas that you can fit to almost any title. If none of the titles fit and you can’t adapt this story, you’ll start to stress out as things aren’t going to plan; something which you definitely can’t afford to do, based on the little time you have. You’re obviously a very talented writer so just go in with ideas or backup plans and go for it on the day. Learn this if you’d like (as someone who got a 9, I’d definitely say it was up there, at the least an 8), but trust in yourself, and go in with other ideas too. I think the rules have changed a little now, since talking to my English teacher (i was the first year to do 9-1) but I simply went in with the thought that I’d make it up on the spot, and if all else fails, after writing in 1st person, I’d twist it and reveal that I was really a dog at the end (obviously with subtle clues throughout). It was a stupid, really simple idea, but somehow I managed to get almost full marks haha.

(edited 5 years ago)

Reply 7

Spodmore20

Original post by emilyhaworthx

Thanks for that. I only got grade 5 for that.

Got 56 present

Reply 8

emilyhaworthx

Original post by Spodmore20

Thanks for that. I only got grade 5 for that.

Got 56 present

Sorry, my reply was to the op, I hadn’t read the other replies, or your story for that matter, however the same tips would still apply; don’t try and learn a story unless it’s easily adaptable or you have other options for if it doesn’t fit. What title were you using, also ‘The Choice’?