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What went wrong with my sister?

She is 22 now, we both live at home with our parents but she is still not making anything of her life. She was fine at school, got average grades had a few friends although she was always very quiet and self concious as a kid didn't even speak until she was 2 years old. She never had a bf and barely spoke a word in her classes. Shes always enjoyed karate shes in a club and still goes twice a week. Anyway she went to sixth form at 17 and things sort of went downhill from there her tutor said she was withdrawn even though she got 3 A levels, low grades. She collapsed at her first day of work and has had like an anxiety ever since, she had had councilling and therapy several times. She started uni at 18 but then quit cause she said she was panicky on the way there she fainted a few times don't know why and then quit, the gp isn't worried about her. She then started a catering job and got sacked because she didn't make the required amount of food.

Basically though ever since she was 18/19 all she has done is lie in bed all day, wonder around the house all night, and go to karate. She has got a job but doesn't go to it, she has no friends at all, has never had a bf and has even admitted to being a virgin lol and she has no social skills. I think shes doing an open university course not sure. She only look about 14 and can't even buy a thunderball ticket without ID. Shes not overweight or anything is petite, healthy and can do 12 full chin ups lol.. more than me.

Although she sounds miserable she does talk with family in the evenings and laugh, take the dog for a walk. She says shes not depresssed but she says she has this constant feeling that she can't move forward in life and she feels bad when she does. My dad is sick of her and constantly calling her a lazy b**** and tells all his friends about her everyone thinks shes a freak even my 7 year old cousin.

Does anyone know why she is like this? I just assume its her personality. What caused her to be like she is?

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Reply 1
Anonymous
has never had a bf and has even admitted to being a virgin lol


Are you laughing at your sister for being a virgin? :eek:
Maybe you should be more supportive!
Anonymous
She started uni at 18 but then quit cause she said she was panicky on the way there she fainted a few times don't know why and then quit, the gp isn't worried about her.

has she been to see the Dr herself?


obviously,i'm no expert, but from the things you've described it sounds like there must be some underlying cause for her feeling like this. Maybe it would do her some good to try and get some therapy/counselling of some kind and see if that helps herfigure out herself why she feels how she does.

You obviously seem worried about her yourself.

The one thing i would say - unfortunately,in these kinds of situations there is only so much an outsider can do. From experience i know that the only way someone can truly improve their lives/get better is if they want to help themselves.
Reply 3
h82think
Are you laughing at your sister for being a virgin? :eek:
Maybe you should be more supportive!


Get a grip, Im laughing because she gave family details about her sex life.
You need to be more supportive of your sister. Even though she claims shes not depressed she does sound very low, especially if she suffers from forms of anxiety and things like that.

The constant cycle of being unable to cope with Uni and hold down a job has obviously knocked her self confidence quite badly. I know people who have been in a similar position and feel dreadful and incapable of holding down a normal working life.

Be there for your sister, and be encouraging about every positive step she takes. Its good that she makes the effort to go to Karate, and that shows that shes not a completely isolated. Speak to your dad about the way he treats her, you sister should be encouraged to apply for jobs and courses not be put down for something which doesnt sound like her fault.

What has happened to her does not sound like laziness, its sounds like she is quite trapped and not very confident about herself.
And laughing about the fact she is a virgin, thats just really unkind. One day when she is feeling more confident and positive I'm sure he love life will pick up for her.
Reply 5
h82think
Are you laughing at your sister for being a virgin? :eek:
Maybe you should be more supportive!


I personally think you can tell they are being supportive by the fact they (sorry i dont know if its a he/she) are worried enough to post here, although i agree the lol bit wasnt very supportive!!

Has she tried any sort of counselling, although the thought of it may freak her out a little, but im suprised the GP cant see there is a problem here as it seems she has some anxiety issues which need addressing before it gets worse. If she doesnt have much confidence this will add to the issues of her not wanting to go out and socialise. I think the best thing you can do is just encourage her, maybe suggest you both go out together sometimes or something!
i hope she improves soon as it must be upsetting and stressful to see her like this.

lex x
Reply 6
Could it be she is very self concious and it isn't helped by you or your dad.

She needs support, why is being a virgin remotely funny
and what idiot calls her daughter a freak?

sorry but thats my opinion.
Anonymous
Get a grip, Im laughing because she gave family details about her sex life.

Because you're her sister and she trusted you? And why does it matter how old she looks or how many chinups she can do?! You're the one that needs to get a grip and try being more supportive of your sister.
Anonymous
She is 22 now, we both live at home with our parents but she is still not making anything of her life. She was fine at school, got average grades had a few friends although she was always very quiet and self concious as a kid didn't even speak until she was 2 years old. She never had a bf and barely spoke a word in her classes. Shes always enjoyed karate shes in a club and still goes twice a week. Anyway she went to sixth form at 17 and things sort of went downhill from there her tutor said she was withdrawn even though she got 3 A levels, low grades. She collapsed at her first day of work and has had like an anxiety ever since, she had had councilling and therapy several times. She started uni at 18 but then quit cause she said she was panicky on the way there she fainted a few times don't know why and then quit, the gp isn't worried about her. She then started a catering job and got sacked because she didn't make the required amount of food.

Basically though ever since she was 18/19 all she has done is lie in bed all day, wonder around the house all night, and go to karate. She has got a job but doesn't go to it, she has no friends at all, has never had a bf and has even admitted to being a virgin lol and she has no social skills. I think shes doing an open university course not sure. She only look about 14 and can't even buy a thunderball ticket without ID. Shes not overweight or anything is petite, healthy and can do 12 full chin ups lol.. more than me.

Although she sounds miserable she does talk with family in the evenings and laugh, take the dog for a walk. She says shes not depresssed but she says she has this constant feeling that she can't move forward in life and she feels bad when she does. My dad is sick of her and constantly calling her a lazy b**** and tells all his friends about her everyone thinks shes a freak even my 7 year old cousin.

Does anyone know why she is like this? I just assume its her personality. What caused her to be like she is?

Your family sounds awful. I really feel sorry for your sister.
Anonymous
Get a grip, Im laughing because she gave family details about her sex life.


Maybe you should get a grip and give your sister some support - it will count more coming from within her family unit than from a GP or a psychiatrist. She doesn't sound like she's thinking straight and you're laughing because she tells you she's still a virgin. Well sorry Miss Twice-Round-the-Block, but not everyone takes part in this competition to get laid as early as possible.

How about you have a wee chat to your sis to see what's wrong, and then go away and find out how to best help her. Even lending an ear without laughing at her problems would go a long way. :rolleyes:
Reply 10
miss_sparkles88
has she been to see the Dr herself?


obviously,i'm no expert, but from the things you've described it sounds like there must be some underlying cause for her feeling like this. Maybe it would do her some good to try and get some therapy/counselling of some kind and see if that helps herfigure out herself why she feels how she does.

You obviously seem worried about her yourself.

The one thing i would say - unfortunately,in these kinds of situations there is only so much an outsider can do. From experience i know that the only way someone can truly improve their lives/get better is if they want to help themselves.


Yes shes been loads of times about anxiety, had therapy, seen different people etc etc its just going round in circles really. My dad thinks shes pathetic and a hyperchondriac so she probably now feels bad about going to the gp. Like you said only she can change herself but she says she doesn't know whats wrong like everytime she nearly succeeds in something she quits its as though shes scared of success Ive no idea why. She did tell us though that she wishes she had friends but that no one finds her interesting but she can only make her own friends! I don't see whats so hard about it.
Reply 11
cutandpasteandtwisty
Your family sounds awful. I really feel sorry for your sister.


Well my parents have let us live with them rent free all this time and both work full time!
From the way you've described, her home environment doesn't sound supportive.

If she knows your Dad calls her pathetic, she probably thinks everyone expects her to fail or quit at anything she tries to do.

It sounds to me like she has very low self confidence and feels trapped in her situation.
Imagine if you knew your family though you were a 'freak', you'd have no confidence to try and prove them otherwise because if any teeny tiny problem came up you wouldn't expect any support.

It's awful really, because i think if she had her own independence it could all improve - but she needs to get a steady job etc for her to be able to move out. Catch 22 really.
Reply 13
Captain Biggles
Maybe you should get a grip and give your sister some support - it will count more coming from within her family unit than from a GP or a psychiatrist. She doesn't sound like she's thinking straight and you're laughing because she tells you she's still a virgin. Well sorry Miss Twice-Round-the-Block, but not everyone takes part in this competition to get laid as early as possible.

How about you have a wee chat to your sis to see what's wrong, and then go away and find out how to best help her. Even lending an ear without laughing at her problems would go a long way. :rolleyes:


Mate, ******* off im not laughing at anyone why the hell do you think im posting this?? We always chat to each other, not making assumptions and thinking before you post would go a long way.
Your dad's a ****, your sister is anaemic and has depression, end.
Reply 15
Anonymous
Well my parents have let us live with them rent free all this time and both work full time!


You've got a very strange idea of what a decent family is... :s-smilie:
Anonymous
Mate, ******* off im not laughing at anyone why the hell do you think im posting this?? We always chat to each other, not making assumptions and thinking before you post would go a long way.


So you just put the "has even admitted to being a virgin lol" for a bit of banter, huh? :rolleyes:
Reply 17
Anonymous
She is 22 now, we both live at home with our parents but she is still not making anything of her life. She was fine at school, got average grades had a few friends although she was always very quiet and self concious as a kid didn't even speak until she was 2 years old. She never had a bf and barely spoke a word in her classes. Shes always enjoyed karate shes in a club and still goes twice a week. Anyway she went to sixth form at 17 and things sort of went downhill from there her tutor said she was withdrawn even though she got 3 A levels, low grades. She collapsed at her first day of work and has had like an anxiety ever since, she had had councilling and therapy several times. She started uni at 18 but then quit cause she said she was panicky on the way there she fainted a few times don't know why and then quit, the gp isn't worried about her. She then started a catering job and got sacked because she didn't make the required amount of food.

Basically though ever since she was 18/19 all she has done is lie in bed all day, wonder around the house all night, and go to karate. She has got a job but doesn't go to it, she has no friends at all, has never had a bf and has even admitted to being a virgin lol and she has no social skills. I think shes doing an open university course not sure. She only look about 14 and can't even buy a thunderball ticket without ID. Shes not overweight or anything is petite, healthy and can do 12 full chin ups lol.. more than me.

Although she sounds miserable she does talk with family in the evenings and laugh, take the dog for a walk. She says shes not depresssed but she says she has this constant feeling that she can't move forward in life and she feels bad when she does. My dad is sick of her and constantly calling her a lazy b**** and tells all his friends about her everyone thinks shes a freak even my 7 year old cousin.

Does anyone know why she is like this? I just assume its her personality. What caused her to be like she is?

Your poor sister :frown: Are you a guy by any chance?

From your post, I can't help but get the feeling that you're judging her so much on the way she chooses to live her life. And I get the feeling that your father has done the same, and as he has kindly informed your entire extended family and all your family friends and even the nice lady who puts the bread out every morning in the bakery of her "freak" lifestyle, it's no wonder she faints and has anxiety.

Don't you see, she's living under a terrible contradiction? If she keeps her lifestyle as it is, she's facing constant judgement. If she changes her lifestyle, then she's undermining your father's role for her that he seems to have shoved her in. She is the "lazy" one, the "weird" one, and if she undermines that then she fears she will lose any love that she feels from her father. All of this may be subconscious, but no doubt it is there.

Okay, try and see it from her position. Say you are an ordinary girl. You're quiet at school. People don't really make an effort to talk to you, and you haven't got the faintest idea how to talk to them. Perhaps some of the louder girls make nasty comments about you behind your back, and you hear them one day, or in front of your face. It makes you want to withdraw further, because why would you want to take the trouble to get to know people who are that horrible to you? All around you, girls your own age are getting taller, growing breasts, wearing makeup, and you always just feel so much younger. You're a late developer so you still look like a child while your classmates look like women. Boys start taking an interest in them, and start asking them out. They ignore you completely, because to them you still look like a child. You withdraw further because you feel even more of an outcast. You're so busy worrying about what people think of you, that you don't have any time to think about yourself. Your grades drop, you stop taking care of yourself, the teachers are angry at you. It's a never-ending spiral that you don't know how to stop. You don't perform as well as you know you could have done in your school exams, and you leave, feeling like a failure.

You start a job, hoping that in the real world, adults and people of different ages might be a bit different, might not judge you for how you are. You're wrong. People are just as shallow and small-minded as they were at school. All this anxiety about yourself, how other people view you and your frustration at not being able to convey any of your anxiety across to anyone, mounts up and suddenly you feel absolutely panicked. You faint with fear, which makes you even more panicky, because now you don't even have your health. You try to go to uni, to make something of yourself that way. But you're scared that the people there are not going to be any different from how they were at school, and that you're so behind when it comes to maturity that you won't have a clue how to interact with anyone. Your anxiety mounts up again and you have more panic attacks.

You've never really been able to talk to anyone about this. You don't have the first idea how to, really. And now your father has had enough. He doesn't ask you why you're fainting, why you have anxiety, and if he did, you couldn't really tell him. The roots of your anxiety seemed to start so long ago that it's hard to see how you'll ever be free of it. He has no sympathy for you, and tells everyone he knows what a failure you are. In a way, he's just agreeing with what you believe yourself - that you are a failure. You don't know how to move on from this. The one good thing in your life is karate, and keeping fit. That, at least is something you can control. You decide to concentrate on keeping fit, keeping your body in tip-top condition, because every other aspect of your life seems so out of control to you that you need to take a handle on something. You choose fitness. But in your subconscious moments you know that you're not happy in your life. You just don't have the faintest idea how to talk to anyone about it.

So in answer to your question, yes, your sister's lifestyle may partly be to do with her quietness. But it's the way that quietness was dealt with, by the people around her, which turned it into full-on anxiety. So you can't blame it all on your sister. If anyone, blame it on the people who should have been there for her, who should have taken the initiative, when no one else would, to ask her what was wrong, and wait patiently for her to explain, instead of waiting for her to make the first move.

Please, for your sister's sake, try to understand. Understanding is the first step to gaining her trust. Talk to her, a lot. Tell her things, a lot. Tell her things that you haven't told anyone else. Open up to her, show her that you trust her. And maybe, one day, she'll open up to you. And instead of getting a whole load of random strangers on the internet to guess why she's living the lifestyle that she is, maybe, one day, she'll tell you.
Reply 18
miss_sparkles88
From the way you've described, her home environment doesn't sound supportive.

If she knows your Dad calls her pathetic, she probably thinks everyone expects her to fail or quit at anything she tries to do.

It sounds to me like she has very low self confidence and feels trapped in her situation.
Imagine if you knew your family though you were a 'freak', you'd have no confidence to try and prove them otherwise because if any teeny tiny problem came up you wouldn't expect any support.

It's awful really, because i think if she had her own independence it could all improve - but she needs to get a steady job etc for her to be able to move out. Catch 22 really.


Our mum is nice its just my dad he's got something against people who don't work, my mum does tell him off but sometimes she can get impatient with her too (and me for that matter). She does know that people think she is weird but whats normal? Our family (as in aunts, grandma's) don't treat her any differently but yea she must feel really crap.
Anonymous
Our mum is nice its just my dad he's got something against people who don't work, my mum does tell him off but sometimes she can get impatient with her too (and me for that matter). She does know that people think she is weird but whats normal? Our family (as in aunts, grandma's) don't treat her any differently but yea she must feel really crap.

Where do you live? I'll be her friend.