Hey guys,
I've got another account on this forum but since people in real life know who I am I'd rather keep this anonymous, so I made another account.
Anyways I guess I'd just like some support and reassurance that I'm going to do the right thing. It's a long post but I'll be super grateful if you get through it all and throw in your two cents.
The summary is that I am currently in my first year of an academic science degree at a London university. I haven't made any friends, got into any friendship groups or had any fun normally associated with London uni experience. I live in London anyway, so I didn't move out for uni. The main problem I had was being very shy and had very low self-discipline. I missed a few weeks of uni initially due to an illness (more like a month and a half).
I was severely behind, and this coupled with a few lecturers who liked to put people on the spot (as in, ask questions in the class in front of everyone) and me not knowing the answers and my shyness and "public speaking anxiety" caused me to miss some more. I thought I'll start coming back when I catch up, and initially I sort of did, but I slipped back again. I thought I'll catch up after christmas, but everything went really fast. I missed more lectures, tutorials and stuff. I managed to keep up with most deadlines for coursework that counted for something, but now I feel it slipping.
As minor exams and more coursework is coming up, I know 100% that I won't be able to handle it. The fact that I don't have friends at uni, and that I'm not terribly happy with the course is making me feel very frustrated, anxious, depressed, hopeless but also inadequate and failing. I have insomnia for 2 or 3 weeks and I get 3/4 hours of sleep, then the next month or two I sleep for 10/11 hours a day. Half the time, I missed lectures because I overslept or was worn out. I'm not sure though what is the cause and what's the effect here. The bottom line is I feel unhappy and want to quit, and start over again. But the main problems are lack of friends and lack of interest/passion for the course. I heard the lecturers talking to some PhDs the other day. I just felt that they were "pawns" - not very nice, cos some of them are really nice people, but they have some minor part in a random area of science that has millions of areas like that. And they get paid as much as a Subway "Sandwich Artist". That's not something I want to do, I want my work to matter.
The problem is with what will others think? What should I tell my friends? I already missed a year because I failed to get into uni the first time round (didn't meet the offer) so most are a year ahead of me already. What do I say to my mum (who has contributed to my unhappiness partially, pushing me into doing a different degree to what I wanted to do, and into staying at home rather than moving out). That's the hardest part. But also very hard is the feeling of failure. If I withdraw, I'll be a drop out. We used to take the mick out of a teacher who dropped out of oxbridge at our school (he was horrible to everyone though), and now I'll be the drop out.
If I gave myself a break, figured out what I wanted to do (I sort of never got the chance at A-levels) and then reapplied, I might have a better outlook on things. I started studying Further Maths in January, and I think I can do the full A-level before May/June. With a good grade in that I can get myself a hopefully better uni place.
But it's something I'll have to do. Maybe I'll repeat the year. Maybe I'll reapply next year. But I can't face 2.5 more years of this.
Am I right in withdrawing from uni? Or is it just a case of quitting when the going gets tough?
How should I handle everyone else? People will ask unnecessary questions. They will try to urge me on and stick at it which will make me feel worse (other people believe in me, and I'm failing them).
Am I a quitter?
Did I fail?
Please help me out somehow... I mean, I've had a string of failures last year and the year before, but I've been so unhappy for the last few years, but I'm not a complete waste. And this will be another failure. I don't know... I guess I just want some advice and outside opinions.
The worst part is that it was not just the university that's been getting me down, but other matters in my life, just various personal things. But I worked hard and systematically and I am slowly turning things around on all fronts, even if very slowly, but I am starting to feel better inside (I was depressed and had CBT and NLP training and it sort of worked for me). I lost 15 kg of weight, learned various skills etc, but university is getting me down, back into feeling bad. Should I "withdraw and regroup" or am I making the wrong choice?
Anyway, sorry for being long-winded, and thank you for reading it, even if you only read a part... I'd greatly appreciate your two cents.
Michael