Turn on thread page Beta

Pregnant- don’t want my baby. watch

Announcements
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    I’m almost 20, my boyfriend is 28 and we have been dating for two years now. We live together in a house in London near his parents (where I attend uni) and we are lucky enough to be very financially stable. Around a month ago, I found out that I was pregnant with our baby, and it felt like the worst possible news to receive. He has wanted a baby for ages, so he was completely overjoyed. We had a long talk about it and I spoke of how I don’t want to be a mother so young and that I wanted to get rid of it. He was furious and left to stay with his parents. He came back the next day but we still could not agree with one another. He told me that if I got rid of it that we would not be together anymore and that I can go find somewhere else to live. I just don’t know what to do. I am still so young and I do not want to be a mother yet and I want to get an abortion. But I absolutely adore my boyfriend and I don’t want him to hate me. Please leave advice
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    How old is the baby now?
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    Very difficult situation. I would say that if you don’t want this child, you must not have it. Yes you and your boyfriend may stay together when it’s born, but it’s likely that you may grow to resent your boyfriend for pushing such a huge obligation onto you and split up anyway.

    I’m only 20 myself so I know that having a kid when we’re this young isn’t the best idea, especially when we have so much we can do ahead of us. You wouldn’t want to start resenting your child because you weren’t able to have the life you wanted due to its birth.

    You two both obviously want very different things so if you do have an abortion, yes you may split up, but that’s a lesser evil than ending up with a child you don’t want just to stay with your boyfriend.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Mill Hill)
    How old is the baby now?
    13 weeks
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    Reminds me of the film Black Christmas:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d_cv_dp8XT8

    Obviously, abortion is immoral and it's unfair on the baby and your bf.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Abcdefghijk123)
    Very difficult situation. I would say that if you don’t want this child, you must not have it. Yes you and your boyfriend may stay together when it’s born, but it’s likely that you may grow to resent your boyfriend for pushing such a huge obligation onto you and split up anyway.

    I’m only 20 myself so I know that having a kid when we’re this young isn’t the best idea, especially when we have so much we can do ahead of us. You wouldn’t want to start resenting your child because you weren’t able to have the life you wanted due to its birth.

    You two both obviously want very different things so if you do have an abortion, yes you may split up, but that’s a lesser evil than ending up with a child you don’t want just to stay with your boyfriend.
    Thank you so much for your response. I just want to be a young adult and enjoy myself, and looking after a baby isn’t what I want to do with my time. Maybe in 5 years time, but not now. It’s just very hard, as I will be loosing both my boyfriend and a child all at once.
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    Can't he just put it off for a few years? He needs to compromise as 20 is still young for having a child and the relationship won't work if you resent him.
    Posted on the TSR App. Download from Apple or Google Play
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    Both me and the Lord Waluigi could not agree more
    • #3
    #3

    You've mentioned financial stability: what is the main source of your financial stability? It makes a huge difference if it is your parents, his parents, or him personally.

    If it is your parents, you may risk splitting up.

    If it is his parents or him, why risk it? I mean you are already in 0.1% of the population if you can afford a house in London, everything is going well for you, you are two happy healthy people.

    There really isn't much more to life than having a family, passing down your DNA and survival. You need to genuinely ask yourself what are your expectations and dreams to be fulfilled. The amount of women over 30 who are reaching the age of 35 and are desperate to have children is growing. Fertility declines rapidly over 30.

    You have also mentioned that you 'absolutely love' your boyfriend. If this is someone you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with, you are probably going to have children sooner or later.

    The main question remains: why 'later' - what would you list as the main reasons?
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    You should go with the abortion. As you said you can always have a baby in 5 years, you can always find love again, but you can never get your youth back. Spend your years being young wisely
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you so much for your response. I just want to be a young adult and enjoy myself, and looking after a baby isn’t what I want to do with my time. Maybe in 5 years time, but not now. It’s just very hard, as I will be loosing both my boyfriend and a child all at once.
    It will be hard, but you’re doing it for your sake, and the baby’s sake. Just remember that.
    Offline

    20
    ReputationRep:
    I’d get rid of it. He shouldn’t use it as an ultimatum for the relationship, such a controlling move. If he’s acting like that maybe you need some space to figure out what you both want from the relationship.

    Think about it this way, would you want to know that your mum only had you out of guilt and because she was being blackmailed by your dad? I know I wouldn’t. :dontknow:
    Posted on the TSR App. Download from Apple or Google Play
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Bio 7)
    Can't he just put it off for a few years? He needs to compromise as 20 is still young for having a child and the relationship won't work if you resent him.
    I suppose that he just sees it as being his baby and he wants it now. “It is our child, our baby, and you’re refusing me the opportunity to be a father”. But his selfish brain doesn’t think about how I feel. The one who has to carry it for 9 months.
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I’m almost 20, my boyfriend is 28 and we have been dating for two years now. We live together in a house in London near his parents (where I attend uni) and we are lucky enough to be very financially stable. Around a month ago, I found out that I was pregnant with our baby, and it felt like the worst possible news to receive. He has wanted a baby for ages, so he was completely overjoyed. We had a long talk about it and I spoke of how I don’t want to be a mother so young and that I wanted to get rid of it. He was furious and left to stay with his parents. He came back the next day but we still could not agree with one another. He told me that if I got rid of it that we would not be together anymore and that I can go find somewhere else to live. I just don’t know what to do. I am still so young and I do not want to be a mother yet and I want to get an abortion. But I absolutely adore my boyfriend and I don’t want him to hate me. Please leave advice
    It’s YOUR body. If you don’t want to go through pregnancy then you don’t have to. And if he thinks he can dictate what you should do with your body then you don’t need to be with him. Your happiness comes before anyone elses.
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I suppose that he just sees it as being his baby and he wants it now. “It is our child, our baby, and you’re refusing me the opportunity to be a father”. But his selfish brain doesn’t think about how I feel. The one who has to carry it for 9 months.
    If that is his attitude then think about how the relationship will progress. Is he someone worth staying with for long term?

    He really needs to think about it from your side, if you do want to have a child in a few years he needs to be willing to just accept that as a compromise.
    Posted on the TSR App. Download from Apple or Google Play
    Offline

    21
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I’m almost 20, my boyfriend is 28 and we have been dating for two years now. We live together in a house in London near his parents (where I attend uni) and we are lucky enough to be very financially stable. Around a month ago, I found out that I was pregnant with our baby, and it felt like the worst possible news to receive. He has wanted a baby for ages, so he was completely overjoyed. We had a long talk about it and I spoke of how I don’t want to be a mother so young and that I wanted to get rid of it. He was furious and left to stay with his parents. He came back the next day but we still could not agree with one another. He told me that if I got rid of it that we would not be together anymore and that I can go find somewhere else to live. I just don’t know what to do. I am still so young and I do not want to be a mother yet and I want to get an abortion. But I absolutely adore my boyfriend and I don’t want him to hate me. Please leave advice
    Obviously this is a very personal and difficult situation.

    You need to consider both sides of the argument and your situation right now. If you were to have the baby, would you be able to cope? Could you put your education aside for a couple of years until the child can be looked after by someone else? Could family or friends help you look after a child?
    In some cases, grandparents can care for the child most of the time to take the pressure off parents.

    There are also options other than abortion or keeping the child; would you consider giving birth but giving them up for adoption? There are more couples looking for babies to adopt than children of other ages. The problem I would have is giving up a child grown in my own womb, but this might be easier for some people than others.

    Another option would be to make this man a father but separate if you’re really not ready. Could he have more time with the child than you? Perhaps he could become a “housewife” as it were and take on more of the responsibility. Something you’d need to make sure he agrees with, obviously, so you don’t have to put more time into it than you expect. Of course this would also end up in the child being closer to the father than you; something that may be negative as it grows up.

    I understand there are so many things to think about. I have to say though that I think it’s unreasonable for your partner to threaten to leave you if you don’t give him a child. Is he specifically against abortion, or is it just the child he’s after? If it’s a child then he should be more supportive of the impact it will have on your life and your education and I’d be questioning whether he is worth staying with no matter the outcome.

    The final problem will be reasoning behind an abortion. I believe the most common claim is lack of welfare of the baby or mother, but you need to prove this somehow. There are still requirements to be met before an abortion can take place.

    I really hope you come to a happy conclusion! Best of luck, and feel free to message me if you just want someone to talk to or hear you out.
    Posted on the TSR App. Download from Apple or Google Play
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    his perspective on life is much different to yours, theres an 8 year gap between you and youll both want different things in life. yes he may want the baby but you must think about yourself, if he really loves you he will understand and respect your decision.
    Offline

    4
    ReputationRep:
    You should really question whether you want to stay with someone who would give you such an awful ultimatum. You are so young. You do not want the child. For him to expect you to have it regardless of how you feel even after you've told him how you feel is point blank a terrible thing to do. Also ignore all the nuts on here saying abortion is terrible etc. Abortion is a perfectly acceptable choice if you do not want the baby and are early on enough in your pregnancy. I would consult a doctor about whether you are or not as I don't have that information. I understand your worries about being kicked out etc. That is just terrible. Do you have somewhere you can live if, worst came to worst, you did break up?

    You need to think about whether someone who loved and cared about you would put you through that. There are better men out there!
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    You've mentioned financial stability: what is the main source of your financial stability? It makes a huge difference if it is your parents, his parents, or him personally.

    If it is your parents, you may risk splitting up.

    If it is his parents or him, why risk it? I mean you are already in 0.1% of the population if you can afford a house in London, everything is going well for you, you are two happy healthy people.

    There really isn't much more to life than having a family, passing down your DNA and survival. You need to genuinely ask yourself what are your expectations and dreams to be fulfilled. The amount of women over 30 who are reaching the age of 35 and are desperate to have children is growing. Fertility declines rapidly over 30.

    You have also mentioned that you 'absolutely love' your boyfriend. If this is someone you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with, you are probably going to have children sooner or later.

    The main question remains: why 'later' - what would you list as the main reasons?
    Thank you for your response. My boyfriend works in a very well paid job in central London for a large well known business which I won’t state on here for privacy reasons. I am currently in university studying very hard in fashion management. I am only 20 and I want my years of youth to be spent doing everything that I’ve ever wanted to do. Partying, drinking, going on holidays, progressing my skills at work etc. I suppose our age gap being 8 years is proving difficult. He is ready to settle down and have a family, but I am not willing to give up my time to have a baby, as selfish as that may sound.
    • Very Important Poster
    Offline

    19
    Very Important Poster
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I’m almost 20, my boyfriend is 28 and we have been dating for two years now. We live together in a house in London near his parents (where I attend uni) and we are lucky enough to be very financially stable. Around a month ago, I found out that I was pregnant with our baby, and it felt like the worst possible news to receive. He has wanted a baby for ages, so he was completely overjoyed. We had a long talk about it and I spoke of how I don’t want to be a mother so young and that I wanted to get rid of it. He was furious and left to stay with his parents. He came back the next day but we still could not agree with one another. He told me that if I got rid of it that we would not be together anymore and that I can go find somewhere else to live. I just don’t know what to do. I am still so young and I do not want to be a mother yet and I want to get an abortion. But I absolutely adore my boyfriend and I don’t want him to hate me. Please leave advice
    Your life, your body. talk it through and consider all options, but if its not what you want then go with that. Fact is he is going to manipulate you with the threat of homelessness.

    No winners here and if you decide no, then your relationship isnt strong enough to survive it. If you decide yes your life has changed in a much bigger way.
 
 
 
Turn on thread page Beta
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: April 27, 2018
Poll
Do you think parents should charge rent?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.