username3907030
Badges: 1
Rep:
?
#1
Report Thread starter 2 years ago
#1
Hello,

Can someone give me feedback on my first paragraph I have written?

Extract: Image
First Paragraph:
In this extract the writer describes Brighton as occupied due to the large amount of people entering. “every five minutes, rocked down Queen’s road”. The phrase “every five minutes” suggests how quickly the local tram travelled back and forth delivering crowds of passengers pack together. Furthermore, the verb “rocked” interests the reader as it gives the idea that the local tram was jolted side to side due to the amount of passengers on board which builds tension as it is dangerous and a hazard.

Also, if anyone could give me some pointers on what to write about next that would be useful.

Thanks
0
reply
mel100
Badges: 10
Rep:
?
#2
Report 2 years ago
#2
I would suggest covering language and techniques. You mentioned a bit of language in the first paragraph but it is not enough. What literary devices does the writer use? What feelings and emotions does this convey? The use of words like glittering air, and the ‘the new silver paint sparkled.’ have been placed in the text for a reason.
I think your first paragraph is good, you have supported your analysis with opinion. Everyone will see something slightly different in the text but, as long as you support your findings that will help you achieve your 8 marks.
1
reply
komoii
Badges: 5
Rep:
?
#3
Report 2 years ago
#3
Is this Brighton Rock? I think I did this paper for homework or something?
For the second paragraph I'd write about the physical appearance words like 'glittering', 'silver' and 'sparkled' give a magical effect to the city. Or, elaborate on things like 'flower gardens in bloom', 'pale Victorian water-colour', 'pale vanishing clouds' because they make the city seem very quaint.

In terms of your first paragraph, it's not bad. Something I would do is remove "every five minutes, rocked down queens road" and keep the rest of the sentence. I'd elaborate a little more on the end of the paragraph too, linking back to your idea and linking back to the original question.
Hope this helps!
0
reply
X

Quick Reply

Attached files
Write a reply...
Reply
new posts
Back
to top
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise

Should there be a new university admissions system that ditches predicted grades?

No, I think predicted grades should still be used to make offers (699)
33.88%
Yes, I like the idea of applying to uni after I received my grades (PQA) (880)
42.66%
Yes, I like the idea of receiving offers only after I receive my grades (PQO) (392)
19%
I think there is a better option than the ones suggested (let us know in the thread!) (92)
4.46%

Watched Threads

View All