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Report Thread starter 2 years ago

Can someone give me feedback on my first paragraph I have written?

Extract: Image
First Paragraph:
In this extract the writer describes Brighton as occupied due to the large amount of people entering. “every five minutes, rocked down Queen’s road”. The phrase “every five minutes” suggests how quickly the local tram travelled back and forth delivering crowds of passengers pack together. Furthermore, the verb “rocked” interests the reader as it gives the idea that the local tram was jolted side to side due to the amount of passengers on board which builds tension as it is dangerous and a hazard.

Also, if anyone could give me some pointers on what to write about next that would be useful.

Badges: 10
Report 2 years ago
I would suggest covering language and techniques. You mentioned a bit of language in the first paragraph but it is not enough. What literary devices does the writer use? What feelings and emotions does this convey? The use of words like glittering air, and the ‘the new silver paint sparkled.’ have been placed in the text for a reason.
I think your first paragraph is good, you have supported your analysis with opinion. Everyone will see something slightly different in the text but, as long as you support your findings that will help you achieve your 8 marks.
Badges: 5
Report 2 years ago
Is this Brighton Rock? I think I did this paper for homework or something?
For the second paragraph I'd write about the physical appearance words like 'glittering', 'silver' and 'sparkled' give a magical effect to the city. Or, elaborate on things like 'flower gardens in bloom', 'pale Victorian water-colour', 'pale vanishing clouds' because they make the city seem very quaint.

In terms of your first paragraph, it's not bad. Something I would do is remove "every five minutes, rocked down queens road" and keep the rest of the sentence. I'd elaborate a little more on the end of the paragraph too, linking back to your idea and linking back to the original question.
Hope this helps!

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